i love ending my long days with conan.
It's such a light show. Light doesn't describe it. Insert adjective. That's what it is. Ever since childhood I've always had something that would signify the end of my day. It used to be primarily talking to a select few friends right before 'bedtime.'
lol. Is a television my virtual friend? Sure.
So while I've gone through much of college (well after freshman year) without too many issues/problems/fake drama to write about, I think it's that time of....life. Where I start pulling events and issues out of nowhere just to substantiate something. And in this case, to substantiate the end of college. It's unfortunate, really. My other 5 roommates still have a year left, at least. Which kind of feels odd. We came in together, we're technically leaving together, but....yeah. It shouldn't be a big deal, for them anyways. We've had the same core group for the past 3 years. Take me out of the picture, and all you're doing is....taking away my good friends...
Which is unfortunate. I do burn bridges, not on purpose, but because I am just a childish friendship arson deep down. No, that's impossible. I tend not to harbor bad feelings toward people. But I surely recall the days prior to the end of middle school. And the end of high school. And as the days got closer and closer to the 'last day,' I'd grow progressively more weary. And disillusioned with my current situation. Maybe it was a hint of optimisim that got caught up in there too. All I know is that for some reason, I always tend to first evaluate my social position toward my 'final days.' And they are generally favorable in terms of, "Wow, I've got some really good friends and a good situation going on." But as the 'time to part' approaches, there is a questioning. Is it denial? Maybe regret. But questions pop in my head...Why didn't I do more to foster a certain relationship further? Why couldn't we be better friends than we turned out to be? And the obvious....What next?
So that begins the cyclic trip down 'memory lane' for the friends/acquaintances involved in the past X years of whatever institution I am about to leave....I just.....analyze stuff. Mostly negative 'what could have beens.' Why bother. It just happens. It happens when you don't fall asleep. When you lie awake and let thoughts infiltrate your mind. Especially a mind at such a fragile time...leaving what you know, what you're used to for the prospect of something new and different. A part of you wants to leave it all behind, another wants to hold on to your favorite things forever..
Needless to say, the resolution on 'the last day' is hugely negative in my case. For some reason, I go through this emotional/rational struggle. I fail to think positively. And I tend to either grow more reserved as a person, or more incitatory. Hence, the 'drama.' I make it happen in my head. Or in reality. I tend to start arguing things with my good friends. Perhaps ideas or thoughts that we'd always agreed upon. But just to shake things up, I throw a topic of discussion into a different direction. Who knows why? No evil intentions. Maybe just to see ......stuff. It's generally not a favorable thing to do.
But back to 'burning bridges.' If anything I do is burning bridges, its that last month of 'drama' that I try to create. I try to make the parting as emotional as possible for myself. I try to make it seem extremely significant, important enough to even be awake right now and talk about it.
If anything, such 'stirring up' is my equivalent of burning bridges, but far from it. More probably, it can be considered as stepping off into a raft alone, and floating away gradually. No bridges involved. Just a distance separation. Always the opportunity to turn back.....but with what? No paddle. No oars. Just the current of the river, wherever it ends up flowing. If luck has it, the raft will make landfall in short time. And perhaps I can make headways back into my past. And maybe apologize for such an abrupt departure. But I still don't understand the departure. Why can't things be the same.. I lose everything that way. That 'scorched earth' policy. Nothing is left behind. I always have to start anew. And I hate it. Why can't I just...carry things with it. Get the world on my raft. Maybe if the world was a giant raft, it'd go wherever the current would take me...
And all this makes me laugh. I watch conan to relax. The lighthearted and completely inane 'comedy' involved in that show MAKE me forget these otherwise mindless thoughts. Yet I sit here and watch, but still have enough drive to dig my mind apart. Blah.
Maybe I will update about something on my mind tomorrow night. As for now.....I can relax. :)
lol. Is a television my virtual friend? Sure.
So while I've gone through much of college (well after freshman year) without too many issues/problems/fake drama to write about, I think it's that time of....life. Where I start pulling events and issues out of nowhere just to substantiate something. And in this case, to substantiate the end of college. It's unfortunate, really. My other 5 roommates still have a year left, at least. Which kind of feels odd. We came in together, we're technically leaving together, but....yeah. It shouldn't be a big deal, for them anyways. We've had the same core group for the past 3 years. Take me out of the picture, and all you're doing is....taking away my good friends...
Which is unfortunate. I do burn bridges, not on purpose, but because I am just a childish friendship arson deep down. No, that's impossible. I tend not to harbor bad feelings toward people. But I surely recall the days prior to the end of middle school. And the end of high school. And as the days got closer and closer to the 'last day,' I'd grow progressively more weary. And disillusioned with my current situation. Maybe it was a hint of optimisim that got caught up in there too. All I know is that for some reason, I always tend to first evaluate my social position toward my 'final days.' And they are generally favorable in terms of, "Wow, I've got some really good friends and a good situation going on." But as the 'time to part' approaches, there is a questioning. Is it denial? Maybe regret. But questions pop in my head...Why didn't I do more to foster a certain relationship further? Why couldn't we be better friends than we turned out to be? And the obvious....What next?
So that begins the cyclic trip down 'memory lane' for the friends/acquaintances involved in the past X years of whatever institution I am about to leave....I just.....analyze stuff. Mostly negative 'what could have beens.' Why bother. It just happens. It happens when you don't fall asleep. When you lie awake and let thoughts infiltrate your mind. Especially a mind at such a fragile time...leaving what you know, what you're used to for the prospect of something new and different. A part of you wants to leave it all behind, another wants to hold on to your favorite things forever..
Needless to say, the resolution on 'the last day' is hugely negative in my case. For some reason, I go through this emotional/rational struggle. I fail to think positively. And I tend to either grow more reserved as a person, or more incitatory. Hence, the 'drama.' I make it happen in my head. Or in reality. I tend to start arguing things with my good friends. Perhaps ideas or thoughts that we'd always agreed upon. But just to shake things up, I throw a topic of discussion into a different direction. Who knows why? No evil intentions. Maybe just to see ......stuff. It's generally not a favorable thing to do.
But back to 'burning bridges.' If anything I do is burning bridges, its that last month of 'drama' that I try to create. I try to make the parting as emotional as possible for myself. I try to make it seem extremely significant, important enough to even be awake right now and talk about it.
If anything, such 'stirring up' is my equivalent of burning bridges, but far from it. More probably, it can be considered as stepping off into a raft alone, and floating away gradually. No bridges involved. Just a distance separation. Always the opportunity to turn back.....but with what? No paddle. No oars. Just the current of the river, wherever it ends up flowing. If luck has it, the raft will make landfall in short time. And perhaps I can make headways back into my past. And maybe apologize for such an abrupt departure. But I still don't understand the departure. Why can't things be the same.. I lose everything that way. That 'scorched earth' policy. Nothing is left behind. I always have to start anew. And I hate it. Why can't I just...carry things with it. Get the world on my raft. Maybe if the world was a giant raft, it'd go wherever the current would take me...
And all this makes me laugh. I watch conan to relax. The lighthearted and completely inane 'comedy' involved in that show MAKE me forget these otherwise mindless thoughts. Yet I sit here and watch, but still have enough drive to dig my mind apart. Blah.
Maybe I will update about something on my mind tomorrow night. As for now.....I can relax. :)