So.
This is all public now. Are you guys all familiar with my condition yet? If not, please sign up and read the posts in reverse chronological order until you catch up. I warn you, it's not good.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabriellebouliane
Thursday, 9.10.09
Physically, a good day. Emotionally, a long one.
Highlights:
n leaving facility on Monday, will be back to my odl apartment
n started working with Real estate agent to find a place for mom & dad -- & likely me.
n Family is coming together, emotions coming to the surface, we are each learning to ask for help
n First major contact with my best friend from back home.
n List of things NOT TO SAY when you first see your friend who’s been diagnosed with cancer
9:10pm. It’s pretty early, but I sent everyone home and called off my visitors tonight (Sally, George & her dog). I’m going to try & get some rest, but I need to keep this going daily or I’ll get too far behind again. I already owe you the rest of the emergency room story.
Anyway. The good news today is that I only needed pain spike medicine once. I’m hoping that means that the anti-inflammatories are working on my back pain, which means it’s far less likely to be something more serious - we were talking about a PET scan for my bones, to see if they were showing signs of cancer as well. Obviously, it would be cool if the inflammatories don’t work - and these aren’t ibuprofen based, they work toward the kidneys instead of the liver. So, that and I had some good sleep, I was in a much better mood today. Got up early and started calling real estate agents, and got really excited about living close to my parents.. Now I know that’s something most 43 year olds would never say, but I’ve lived in a different city from my parents since I was 17 years old - that’s 26 years, for those of you counting at home), and we have such a good relationship that I’ve been bringing this up to them for about 10 years. It’s exciting to think about - the be able to share the wonderful things I find in Austin with them, to have my mom’s food readily available, not a special treat that I save my tastebuds for once or twice a year (and vice versa, I may add, I’m no slouch myself), to have Dad around to troubleshoot my car, or walk around the lake, or discuss the how people with the same name share subtly different qualities - all the little everyday things that make up a life together. To me, that’s one of the awesome things about this next phase of my life.. I’ll be in the same town with my folks AND the people I love, hopefully doing a little work that I love, up to my stress level, and meanwhile working full-time on the arts projects I really believe in. Honestly, thanks to knowing that my health care needs will be cared for by the Hospice program, it’s going to be a very peaceful time once we get settled.
But I’m going in circles again, because this part is hard to talk about. See, today it was Dad’s turn to have a breakdown. I can’t go into what an incredible father my dad is because it could (and maybe will) take its own book). Suffice to say he is probably the gentlest, most protective, kind-hearted and generous people I know. He’s also very smart, which he doesn’t believe so much as he didn’t finish college - but he got thrown out “basically for playing too much pool”, which gets him tons of cool points in my book, and has assisted my racking skills immensely (no comment).
The other thing I tell people? I had a genuinely happy childhood. Really. I know, the perfect unicorn that doesn’t exist - but I did . I was Daddy’s Little Tomgirl, learning how to fish except putting the worms on (ew), air shows, car shows, canoes, godk, I think I was going to join the Civil Air Patrol at one point. I’ll have more There are dozens of stories about my father and his character alone, so really, when my Dad finally admits to me today that he’s havibg trouble sleeping, that he woke up at 2am and three hours later was walking around the block crying, thinking og those terrible words “terminal cancer”,l when I hear his cries leave him, my anchor, at a velocity even I can’t imagine.. well of course, it broke my heart too. And it IS tragic, of course, but here’s the thing - he’s focusing on memories that he feels he truly wronged me, that are soooo small, that they literally had no impact on me. Today wasn’t the day, but I can’t stand to see him beat himself up against something that could be considered the very smallest of moral offences.. .but then again, I suppose even he holy people have sins that seem disproportionate to them, yet wouldn’t even be noticed by the normal people. All I have to say is, if the story he told me is characteristic of his fears - he ain’t got NOTHING’ to worry about, from what I’ve heard from many of my friends and their parents.
The good news - he finally took himself to talk to the Chaplain. And he asked the medical team for help with his anxiety. Best lines of the day:
n Mom, when asked if she needed anything: “Nope. I’m stronger than both of you two realize.” (good, because we’re going to need it as we pass this ball around).
n My new nurse: “well, you all are certainly uncharacteristic.” We just looked at each other and laughed. If we can beat the bell curve in Austin, we’re doing ok.
I also talked to my best friend in Buffalo, Molly Hill-Campagne. That was also incredibly hard, but Molly is also a person of incredible strength in a crisis. (well., all the time, but the person I can rely on to not meltdown, freak out or flake when I have to tell something really hard.)
I’ll be leaving the facility on Monday. I could have left tomorrow am, but my meds have been settled less than 24 hours, which makes me nervous, and .. honestly, psychologically, I’m not quite ready for the assault that will come walking down the street to the constant refrain of “Gabrielle! Are you all right? I’m so sorry.. Is there anything I can do to help? (that one’s actually ok) My mother’s brother’s best friend tried… What happened? (which will just take a while)” And my personal favorite: “Are you ok?” [srsly, how the fuck am I going to answer that?]
So. If you see me, just tell me you love me, and you’re there if I need anything. I can answer specific questions, but try & keep ‘em few & far between - I’ve already had to tell my whole story 4 times today, which is why I’ve gotten so far behind in writing it, I just can’t stomach it when I’m alone, I just want to read your words. Also, I’m missing most of your status updates, so if you want me to see something, post or email to me.
Again, I loooooooooooove mail, please send to either
Gabrielle Bouliane
5609 Coventry Road
Austin, TX 78723
Or
Gabrielle Bouliane
C/O Phil West
Luminaria Media
906 E. 5th Street, Suite 203
Austin, TX 78702
Also: Tell my father what a good man he is. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without my loving father always at my side. I certainly couldn’t do any of this without my parents. Email me at multimediagrl@hotmail.com. And I will forward. Love you. Good night.
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabriellebouliane
Thursday, 9.10.09
Physically, a good day. Emotionally, a long one.
Highlights:
n leaving facility on Monday, will be back to my odl apartment
n started working with Real estate agent to find a place for mom & dad -- & likely me.
n Family is coming together, emotions coming to the surface, we are each learning to ask for help
n First major contact with my best friend from back home.
n List of things NOT TO SAY when you first see your friend who’s been diagnosed with cancer
9:10pm. It’s pretty early, but I sent everyone home and called off my visitors tonight (Sally, George & her dog). I’m going to try & get some rest, but I need to keep this going daily or I’ll get too far behind again. I already owe you the rest of the emergency room story.
Anyway. The good news today is that I only needed pain spike medicine once. I’m hoping that means that the anti-inflammatories are working on my back pain, which means it’s far less likely to be something more serious - we were talking about a PET scan for my bones, to see if they were showing signs of cancer as well. Obviously, it would be cool if the inflammatories don’t work - and these aren’t ibuprofen based, they work toward the kidneys instead of the liver. So, that and I had some good sleep, I was in a much better mood today. Got up early and started calling real estate agents, and got really excited about living close to my parents.. Now I know that’s something most 43 year olds would never say, but I’ve lived in a different city from my parents since I was 17 years old - that’s 26 years, for those of you counting at home), and we have such a good relationship that I’ve been bringing this up to them for about 10 years. It’s exciting to think about - the be able to share the wonderful things I find in Austin with them, to have my mom’s food readily available, not a special treat that I save my tastebuds for once or twice a year (and vice versa, I may add, I’m no slouch myself), to have Dad around to troubleshoot my car, or walk around the lake, or discuss the how people with the same name share subtly different qualities - all the little everyday things that make up a life together. To me, that’s one of the awesome things about this next phase of my life.. I’ll be in the same town with my folks AND the people I love, hopefully doing a little work that I love, up to my stress level, and meanwhile working full-time on the arts projects I really believe in. Honestly, thanks to knowing that my health care needs will be cared for by the Hospice program, it’s going to be a very peaceful time once we get settled.
But I’m going in circles again, because this part is hard to talk about. See, today it was Dad’s turn to have a breakdown. I can’t go into what an incredible father my dad is because it could (and maybe will) take its own book). Suffice to say he is probably the gentlest, most protective, kind-hearted and generous people I know. He’s also very smart, which he doesn’t believe so much as he didn’t finish college - but he got thrown out “basically for playing too much pool”, which gets him tons of cool points in my book, and has assisted my racking skills immensely (no comment).
The other thing I tell people? I had a genuinely happy childhood. Really. I know, the perfect unicorn that doesn’t exist - but I did . I was Daddy’s Little Tomgirl, learning how to fish except putting the worms on (ew), air shows, car shows, canoes, godk, I think I was going to join the Civil Air Patrol at one point. I’ll have more There are dozens of stories about my father and his character alone, so really, when my Dad finally admits to me today that he’s havibg trouble sleeping, that he woke up at 2am and three hours later was walking around the block crying, thinking og those terrible words “terminal cancer”,l when I hear his cries leave him, my anchor, at a velocity even I can’t imagine.. well of course, it broke my heart too. And it IS tragic, of course, but here’s the thing - he’s focusing on memories that he feels he truly wronged me, that are soooo small, that they literally had no impact on me. Today wasn’t the day, but I can’t stand to see him beat himself up against something that could be considered the very smallest of moral offences.. .but then again, I suppose even he holy people have sins that seem disproportionate to them, yet wouldn’t even be noticed by the normal people. All I have to say is, if the story he told me is characteristic of his fears - he ain’t got NOTHING’ to worry about, from what I’ve heard from many of my friends and their parents.
The good news - he finally took himself to talk to the Chaplain. And he asked the medical team for help with his anxiety. Best lines of the day:
n Mom, when asked if she needed anything: “Nope. I’m stronger than both of you two realize.” (good, because we’re going to need it as we pass this ball around).
n My new nurse: “well, you all are certainly uncharacteristic.” We just looked at each other and laughed. If we can beat the bell curve in Austin, we’re doing ok.
I also talked to my best friend in Buffalo, Molly Hill-Campagne. That was also incredibly hard, but Molly is also a person of incredible strength in a crisis. (well., all the time, but the person I can rely on to not meltdown, freak out or flake when I have to tell something really hard.)
I’ll be leaving the facility on Monday. I could have left tomorrow am, but my meds have been settled less than 24 hours, which makes me nervous, and .. honestly, psychologically, I’m not quite ready for the assault that will come walking down the street to the constant refrain of “Gabrielle! Are you all right? I’m so sorry.. Is there anything I can do to help? (that one’s actually ok) My mother’s brother’s best friend tried… What happened? (which will just take a while)” And my personal favorite: “Are you ok?” [srsly, how the fuck am I going to answer that?]
So. If you see me, just tell me you love me, and you’re there if I need anything. I can answer specific questions, but try & keep ‘em few & far between - I’ve already had to tell my whole story 4 times today, which is why I’ve gotten so far behind in writing it, I just can’t stomach it when I’m alone, I just want to read your words. Also, I’m missing most of your status updates, so if you want me to see something, post or email to me.
Again, I loooooooooooove mail, please send to either
Gabrielle Bouliane
5609 Coventry Road
Austin, TX 78723
Or
Gabrielle Bouliane
C/O Phil West
Luminaria Media
906 E. 5th Street, Suite 203
Austin, TX 78702
Also: Tell my father what a good man he is. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without my loving father always at my side. I certainly couldn’t do any of this without my parents. Email me at multimediagrl@hotmail.com. And I will forward. Love you. Good night.