Why
I honestly feel like i've given up on life.
Yay all the shit i've ever wanted has come true so what the fuck is the point anymore.
No matter what aspiring ideas I come up with it feels like they are all unatainable now. Like why set my foot forward, I'll just be stepping off the edge.
Perhaps it's becasue I feel like everytime I make friends witha girls she leaves me or gets a little psycho when she finds out I'm not who she thought I was going to be for her. I'm a person too I have the right to change too.
Perhaps its the fact that I got married and there's really nothing left to look forward to on that.
Perhaps it that ever since quitting doing hair I have not enough money to pay for bills an dam back living paycheck to pay check wondering whe I get to do the fun things I like to do again.
Maybe its the damn weather - snowing since ??? October? November? whatever it was it's been long enough now.
Could be the fact too that another girl was assimilated into the trio of friends I had made over the winter, and even though I'm friend enough with her - I'm not single and therfore am not as fun to hang outwith. Understandable, really, but still painful.
Or possibley too it jst doesn't seem like anyone understands me anymore, because really I don't know myself anymore. For a split second I thought about getting out an instrument and playing yesterday but why? Honestly why?
It could also too be the fact that aaron and I aren't NOT trying to get pregnant, which isn't working so far. And thus I feel useless too.
I just dont feel a thrill or want to live anymore recently. Like all the things I endever for are pointless and all the things I warred for with my mind and body are gone. What was my plan in life anyway? To go to school and get that 4 year degree and finally feel like I accomplished something all by myself for myself. But it's just a dump. Just a fucking worthless dump.
It could be too that even though Iput in over 100% for my friend who DJ's at the local dance club/bar I have reaached the point where I got shit to show for it. Oh, I know now that I could do it, that I could run a show by myself, and have learned alot about lighting, but yeah... whoo! I got married and I'm shit.
This is what I've been worried about the whole comeing up to getting married, is feeling like just another woman put in her place, just a fucking second fiddle, just bleh. And one of the main reasons for not changing my last name, aside from the extreme importance of it to me, is the fact that this feeling was in the background the whole time and now it's flourishing and I feel that when/if I do make that final sacrement - I will be lost for good.
This loss of zest could also be attributed to the fact that I hate working second shift. I like getting my work done in the daylight before the sun goes down and you leave when the world is asleep. I miss getting done with work in time to still DO things or have the abbility to go and do things on my lunch ...hell even LEAVE on my lunch. I hate my job. hate it. Dont mind the work - hate the way the company runs. And the way I'm treated, treated like
I'm some dumbnut who hasn't gone through ANY post highschool ed, just cause I wear a white coat, like some derduhblah, who doesnt know left from right, and then to get repremanded like I have - WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK, if you treat me with disrespect like fuck I'm going to act any better than how you treat me. After a while you learn to not try.
And that's abotu where I'm at. I've learned to not try anymore. Because honestly I wake up, eat shit work, go to bed. Wake up - repeat. Fucking glued to the damn tv half the time and gorgin my face the other half. I'm depressed. I'm misserable. I dont need my therapist, I dont need pills, I dont need to talk or even journal - I NEED SOME FUCKING RESPECT!!!! Some fucking ACKNOWLEDGMENT for DOING SHIT!
Yay all the shit i've ever wanted has come true so what the fuck is the point anymore.
No matter what aspiring ideas I come up with it feels like they are all unatainable now. Like why set my foot forward, I'll just be stepping off the edge.
Perhaps it's becasue I feel like everytime I make friends witha girls she leaves me or gets a little psycho when she finds out I'm not who she thought I was going to be for her. I'm a person too I have the right to change too.
Perhaps its the fact that I got married and there's really nothing left to look forward to on that.
Perhaps it that ever since quitting doing hair I have not enough money to pay for bills an dam back living paycheck to pay check wondering whe I get to do the fun things I like to do again.
Maybe its the damn weather - snowing since ??? October? November? whatever it was it's been long enough now.
Could be the fact too that another girl was assimilated into the trio of friends I had made over the winter, and even though I'm friend enough with her - I'm not single and therfore am not as fun to hang outwith. Understandable, really, but still painful.
Or possibley too it jst doesn't seem like anyone understands me anymore, because really I don't know myself anymore. For a split second I thought about getting out an instrument and playing yesterday but why? Honestly why?
It could also too be the fact that aaron and I aren't NOT trying to get pregnant, which isn't working so far. And thus I feel useless too.
I just dont feel a thrill or want to live anymore recently. Like all the things I endever for are pointless and all the things I warred for with my mind and body are gone. What was my plan in life anyway? To go to school and get that 4 year degree and finally feel like I accomplished something all by myself for myself. But it's just a dump. Just a fucking worthless dump.
It could be too that even though Iput in over 100% for my friend who DJ's at the local dance club/bar I have reaached the point where I got shit to show for it. Oh, I know now that I could do it, that I could run a show by myself, and have learned alot about lighting, but yeah... whoo! I got married and I'm shit.
This is what I've been worried about the whole comeing up to getting married, is feeling like just another woman put in her place, just a fucking second fiddle, just bleh. And one of the main reasons for not changing my last name, aside from the extreme importance of it to me, is the fact that this feeling was in the background the whole time and now it's flourishing and I feel that when/if I do make that final sacrement - I will be lost for good.
This loss of zest could also be attributed to the fact that I hate working second shift. I like getting my work done in the daylight before the sun goes down and you leave when the world is asleep. I miss getting done with work in time to still DO things or have the abbility to go and do things on my lunch ...hell even LEAVE on my lunch. I hate my job. hate it. Dont mind the work - hate the way the company runs. And the way I'm treated, treated like
I'm some dumbnut who hasn't gone through ANY post highschool ed, just cause I wear a white coat, like some derduhblah, who doesnt know left from right, and then to get repremanded like I have - WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK, if you treat me with disrespect like fuck I'm going to act any better than how you treat me. After a while you learn to not try.
And that's abotu where I'm at. I've learned to not try anymore. Because honestly I wake up, eat shit work, go to bed. Wake up - repeat. Fucking glued to the damn tv half the time and gorgin my face the other half. I'm depressed. I'm misserable. I dont need my therapist, I dont need pills, I dont need to talk or even journal - I NEED SOME FUCKING RESPECT!!!! Some fucking ACKNOWLEDGMENT for DOING SHIT!