Bridget's Fame, March week three entry
this is an eleventh-hour idea; I haven't had time to fully develop it, or, well, even run a spell check. Horrifying errors of grammer may be contained herin ;-D
( The Night Horses )
( The Night Horses )
There seemed to be fewer of them tonight, but perhaps not.: Either there is or there isn't. You say later that, yes, each night fewer come, so maybe be a little more decisive on this statement.
an hallucination: Because you vocalize the 'h', it has to be 'a hallucination'.
firey eyes: fiery
any more: One word.
the windowsill.
One night,: Watch the spacing. Should have an extra line break.
One night, they [...] them from her window: Waaaaay too many commas here. A lot of this can be rearranged with fewer commas. (One night as they thundered past her gate, she imagined that they looked up at her as they passed, watching her watching them from her window) Or something like that. Make sense how you can remove so many commas?
thy all were: They were all. In this case, you're going to want to go ahead and put 'were' in front of 'all'.
hoofbeats; it seemed that this night there was only one horse left: 'Hoofbeats' is two words. Semi-colon should be a period. And 'it seemed' is too weak for the narrator to use in this case. She should be able to clearly see/hear if there is one horse or not.
its flanks steaming its nostrils flaring, its eyes liquid fire: A form of poetic repetition that doesn't serve much purpose at this point. You can go ahead and cut out the constant 'its... its...' What about "regarded her over the gate, its flanks steaming and nostrils flaring, with eyes like liquid fire"? Something to take into consideration.
It flinched its skin: While I understand what you're getting at, skin can't do anything on it's own. It's the muscles underneath that are twitching. And why don't you try something like "its muscles flinched" or "its skin flinched"? It sounds awkward as 'it flinched its skin'.
Inside the house, rather than the typical hush and static of tragedy, were the sounds of waking. As harlotbug3 said, the ending is a bit rough, but nice. However, it seemed like everyone was awake already. Tradtionally, large houses that have staff members like that are awake really early. So saying that there were the sounds of waking is kind of weird, because everything is up-and-going. Maybe it's just an odd shift from where the beginning of the paragraph starts. I don't know if some kind of play on words was intended by using 'waking', but it makes for an interesting idea.
In any case, good job for winning this week (as well as March overall!) Take these comments as you will (have fun prepping it for publication), and just be on the lookout for the things I pointed out in the beginning (commas and semi-colons galore).
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