Oh, it is more than salvageable! I really enjoyed it!
I agree that the ending could be scrapped. I think it can just end with the grandmother walking away OR having her daughter wake up just after she leaves the room and having the goodbye there instead. This might work better if the story is told from the grandmother's perspective in third person instead. It won't be such a jarring shift.
If the grandmother is just sticking around for the baby, it might serve the piece well to have some mention of her daughter and newborn being just home from the hospital. Otherwise, I'm left wondering why she stuck around to see the baby if the baby's been around for awhile. By the way she's sleeping, it seems like she's older than a newborn.
Contrary to kenderlord, I was clued in pretty early on that grandma was a ghost. Perhaps some line about her not making any creaks even if they were possible in that house would clue folks in sooner.
I love the way the grandmother describes each member of her family. I really got the sense that they were sacred to her. Beautiful.
I personally thought it was a really strong piece that needs some tweaking, but that's what this community is about, right? I mean most of the stuff we write isn't revised. It's rough. And as a draft, I think it has stunning potential. Please don't scrap it!
One technical note: as the grandmother is saying Goodnight to her namesake, put a period after "namesake."
I agree that the ending could be scrapped. I think it can just end with the grandmother walking away OR having her daughter wake up just after she leaves the room and having the goodbye there instead. This might work better if the story is told from the grandmother's perspective in third person instead. It won't be such a jarring shift.
If the grandmother is just sticking around for the baby, it might serve the piece well to have some mention of her daughter and newborn being just home from the hospital. Otherwise, I'm left wondering why she stuck around to see the baby if the baby's been around for awhile. By the way she's sleeping, it seems like she's older than a newborn.
Contrary to kenderlord, I was clued in pretty early on that grandma was a ghost. Perhaps some line about her not making any creaks even if they were possible in that house would clue folks in sooner.
I love the way the grandmother describes each member of her family. I really got the sense that they were sacred to her. Beautiful.
I personally thought it was a really strong piece that needs some tweaking, but that's what this community is about, right? I mean most of the stuff we write isn't revised. It's rough. And as a draft, I think it has stunning potential. Please don't scrap it!
One technical note: as the grandmother is saying Goodnight to her namesake, put a period after "namesake."
Nice work, but that's hardly a surprise.
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