Entry for Brigits Flame
Hi, everyone! The piece below is my entry into the August writing contest for Brigits Flame. It's short, around 350 words, so read if you want to, and as always, tell me what you think.
( Shadows of Self )
( Shadows of Self )
1. "I study her in the mirror, her brown limbs, browner freckles, messed hair, sparkly grin. The dress she has on is lovely, purple with bright flowers, soft and drapey, but the rather low v-neckline makes me squirm. There’s nothing to see, but still . . . She is ten years old; still a fairy child, but the babyishness has gone out of her face. She carries the shadow of who she will become around with her now; it frightens me beyond imagining."
-colon after "mirror."
-is there a more creative way to say "sparkly grin"?
-colon after "lovely" or re-structure the sentence so as not to repeat the format of the first sentence.
-"rather low" is unnecessary.
-connect "there's nothing to see" to the sentence before, with "even though" or something like that. eliminate the "but still..."
-comma after "ten years old"
-think of a better way to say "babyishness." something more descriptive.
-last sentence is a bit awkward. how could you re-word it?
-"beyond IMAGINATION." or find a different, less cliché way to say it.
2. "It is a look I recognize as trouble; one my husband says I use on him all the time." cute line!
3. Capitalize "we" before "are glaring."
4. write out the number "ten."
5. great humor in the second-to-last paragraph. poignant and effective.
6. new paragraph for the quote starting with "Well...".
7. "leaping into my lap"
-i wasn't aware the mother was sitting. earlier in the piece, you allude to them both in the 3-way mirror next to each other. doesn't that mean they're standing?
8. Beautiful closing scene and sentence. Overall, a joy to read with a very real feel to it. Nice work.
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