same post in other friends only journal
And i just, dont get it. :( I want to cry. I want to cry because _____ is an ass, because my foots broke and i fell today and twisted my knee, and because saturday will the the three year aniversary of Josh Gilbert's death. God it seems like forever ago. It seems like YEARS ago. I just, rememeber him calling and waking me up and saying "karol ann, you have to give me your blessing, you have to let me know you wont hate me after all of this" and I said "is this the ONLY way" and he told me yes, that he was suffering more than i could understand, and that this was his only way to get peace. and i told him okay, I told him i wouldn't hate him, and I understood his decision and that I loved him. and he told me thank you and that he loved me and would always and would never forget me. I woke up the next day wanting it all to be over, wanting it to of been a dream. And I got a message from his friend Jay saying it wasn't a dream, it was all real. I was in a fog for the next few days, then we left for Orlando with band and i got in a huge fight with people there, and cut, and wanted to come home. And then I got home, i dont remember for how many days, but I was depressed, really really deeply depressed, and on May 9th, i went to work, worked, bought the biggest bottle of tylenol pm i could find, came home, i'd already written letters, had a huge fight with my mom. came, sat on my bed, closed the door, and began taking them, one-by-one. I was crying my eyes out wondering what death would be like. And then, my dad walked in. Wanted to know what was wrong. I wouldn't tell him, eventually he made me open my hand to show him. They made me go to the ER, had to drink charcoal, puked, shitted black for a week. Then there were drs appointment, and decisions, and then Hillcrest. I had a three day stay in a mental hospital. I've never felt so helpless in my entire life. I miss him so much. I've grown alot since that. but in someways, i'm still that helpless girl, battling her demons, and not wanting to face the reality of life.
--Karol Ann