Love the 7, Hate the Eleven
Today on the way home from school, I decided to make a quick stop at what used to be my favorite local convenience store in the entire universe, a little place known as 7-Eleven. You may have heard of it. The reason for this delicious little detour was that I was getting extremely thirsty, and in the 20 years that I have been on this earth, I have learned that the only way to eliminate such a heinous thirst is to drown its sorry ass with a cold, delicious Slurpee.
I walked in the door, past the donuts and candy, past the magazines and gum, and right over to the most breathtakingly useful invention ever devised by man: the Slurpee machine. I stood in front of it for a minute in awe of its sheer delicious ice-drink producing abilities, and just stared, in marvel of its profound thirst-quenching power and the unmistakable impact it has made on my life since its introduction to the world in 1966. I wiped the drool off my face and took a step forward, my mouth still watering. The soft hum of the machine warmed my ears as well as my heart.
I reached forward with my hand, gently grazing the knob of the Coca-Cola flavor dispenser. Hmmm... It's been a while. I moved my eyes to the left, and then to the right, over the plethora of exotically frozen flavors that seemed to call out my name: Coca-Cola, Banana, Grapermelon... I paused. Pina Colada.
That was the one. I grabbed a 40 0z. cup, slapped a top on it, and prepared it to be filled with the most delicious blend of ice-cold flavors ever devised by man. I was shaking. I grabbed the knob with my hand and began to pull it gently to the left.
To my surprise, the next sound I heard was not the rush of pineapple-coconut flavored perfection I was expecting, but instead, only a quiet plop, as a few small drops fell to the bottom of my cup. I couldn't believe it! I peered through the glass at the swirling, white vortex of iciness that lay before me; it was clearly not empty. So I tried again.
I grabbed a hold of the knob and pulled. Again, nothing more than a few drips of half-frozen syrup graced the bottom of my cup. By this time, I was getting mad. I swore out loud and pounded my fist on the face of the monstrous pile of plastic and metal that was imprisoning my drink.
I grabbed the knob once again, but this time I was determined. I mustered every ounce of strength left in my body and pulled. With a groan, the lever suddenly popped loose and SLAMMED all the way to the left, making a short hiss, quickly followed by a loud gurgle, as it furiously spewed its ice-juice at me like a frigid, white volcano! I shuttered and stepped back in shock, looking down at my clothes. I was covered in sticky, frozen sludge. My eyes shot back up to the machine.
You worthless bastard!
Infuriated, I grabbed a napkin and tore it across my body, flinging bits of Slurpee across the quiet store. The machine remained motionless, still humming, its contents spinning seductively in front of me. taunting me. I clenched my fist, which was now dripping with Slurpee. This offense would not go unpunished. I pulled back my arm and swung, shattering the glass and sending red juice oozing out of the front of the worthless drink dispenser. The owner of the store ran up behind me and stared at his bleeding money-generator.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he yelled in horror. I turned around, screaming like an ape, and jumped on his head, letting loose with a fury-storm of gorilla punches to his soft, brown forehead.
After I had dispatched my first attacker, his wife started yelling and waving her arms menacingly. Through my rage I could see her true intentions. I jumped over her husband's evil corpse, ran up to her, and PUNCHED HER ASS IN THE FACE! Then I looked back in disgust at the piece of crap Slurpee machine, which was now lying in RUIN! I left a trail of chaos and destruction behind me as I tore through the store, exacting revenge on everything in my path, screaming like a chimpanzee on ecstasy!
It wasn't long before the police arrived.
I ran outside, shot four cops, and stole the keys to an 18-wheeler that was sitting in the parking lot. I started it up, gripping the steering wheel with my tightly clenched fists and glaring at the evil, evil machine in the back of the store. I roared out of the parking space and slammed right through the glass of the front window. The eerie silence inside the store was suddenly and forever destroyed as my death machine trampled aisle after aisle, customer after customer, until making its final resting place on top of that stupid, worthless, ingrate Slurpee factory. I jumped out, ripped a hole in the gas tank, set the charges, and ran my ass out of there on my motorcycle. I turned around just in time to see the entire state of Michigan explode in a giant, satisfying fireball. A smile crossed my face as I realized that that evil, worthless slurpee machine wouldn't hurt anyone ever again.
Then I came back a week later and pissed on its grave.
I walked in the door, past the donuts and candy, past the magazines and gum, and right over to the most breathtakingly useful invention ever devised by man: the Slurpee machine. I stood in front of it for a minute in awe of its sheer delicious ice-drink producing abilities, and just stared, in marvel of its profound thirst-quenching power and the unmistakable impact it has made on my life since its introduction to the world in 1966. I wiped the drool off my face and took a step forward, my mouth still watering. The soft hum of the machine warmed my ears as well as my heart.
I reached forward with my hand, gently grazing the knob of the Coca-Cola flavor dispenser. Hmmm... It's been a while. I moved my eyes to the left, and then to the right, over the plethora of exotically frozen flavors that seemed to call out my name: Coca-Cola, Banana, Grapermelon... I paused. Pina Colada.
That was the one. I grabbed a 40 0z. cup, slapped a top on it, and prepared it to be filled with the most delicious blend of ice-cold flavors ever devised by man. I was shaking. I grabbed the knob with my hand and began to pull it gently to the left.
To my surprise, the next sound I heard was not the rush of pineapple-coconut flavored perfection I was expecting, but instead, only a quiet plop, as a few small drops fell to the bottom of my cup. I couldn't believe it! I peered through the glass at the swirling, white vortex of iciness that lay before me; it was clearly not empty. So I tried again.
I grabbed a hold of the knob and pulled. Again, nothing more than a few drips of half-frozen syrup graced the bottom of my cup. By this time, I was getting mad. I swore out loud and pounded my fist on the face of the monstrous pile of plastic and metal that was imprisoning my drink.
I grabbed the knob once again, but this time I was determined. I mustered every ounce of strength left in my body and pulled. With a groan, the lever suddenly popped loose and SLAMMED all the way to the left, making a short hiss, quickly followed by a loud gurgle, as it furiously spewed its ice-juice at me like a frigid, white volcano! I shuttered and stepped back in shock, looking down at my clothes. I was covered in sticky, frozen sludge. My eyes shot back up to the machine.
You worthless bastard!
Infuriated, I grabbed a napkin and tore it across my body, flinging bits of Slurpee across the quiet store. The machine remained motionless, still humming, its contents spinning seductively in front of me. taunting me. I clenched my fist, which was now dripping with Slurpee. This offense would not go unpunished. I pulled back my arm and swung, shattering the glass and sending red juice oozing out of the front of the worthless drink dispenser. The owner of the store ran up behind me and stared at his bleeding money-generator.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" he yelled in horror. I turned around, screaming like an ape, and jumped on his head, letting loose with a fury-storm of gorilla punches to his soft, brown forehead.
After I had dispatched my first attacker, his wife started yelling and waving her arms menacingly. Through my rage I could see her true intentions. I jumped over her husband's evil corpse, ran up to her, and PUNCHED HER ASS IN THE FACE! Then I looked back in disgust at the piece of crap Slurpee machine, which was now lying in RUIN! I left a trail of chaos and destruction behind me as I tore through the store, exacting revenge on everything in my path, screaming like a chimpanzee on ecstasy!
It wasn't long before the police arrived.
I ran outside, shot four cops, and stole the keys to an 18-wheeler that was sitting in the parking lot. I started it up, gripping the steering wheel with my tightly clenched fists and glaring at the evil, evil machine in the back of the store. I roared out of the parking space and slammed right through the glass of the front window. The eerie silence inside the store was suddenly and forever destroyed as my death machine trampled aisle after aisle, customer after customer, until making its final resting place on top of that stupid, worthless, ingrate Slurpee factory. I jumped out, ripped a hole in the gas tank, set the charges, and ran my ass out of there on my motorcycle. I turned around just in time to see the entire state of Michigan explode in a giant, satisfying fireball. A smile crossed my face as I realized that that evil, worthless slurpee machine wouldn't hurt anyone ever again.
Then I came back a week later and pissed on its grave.