(no subject)
Apology #8(?)
I’m sorry I even told you guys
(Holmes and Jason, specifically)
but I felt I had to explain myself.
And the day after Evie left me to
my thoughts- everything went so dark.
I told Jason I felt like I was
filling up with stones and I lay in bed
feeling very fat and old and flat and heavy-
exhausted. I said at one point I
felt that the useful part of me
had been long ago spent.
Depression is so tiresome
to anyone except its host. Though they
love me, this is all so very boring. So I’m sorry
I felt compelled to mention anything at all.
I have no interest in simply complaining-
even when I call someone up,
“just to bitch,” it's never truly that
self-indulgent.
What I am actually looking for is someone
to riff with- when I say: “I feel like
I am filling up with stones.”
I need a poet around to ask what the stones look like: "Are they large or small?"
I can say: “Small as eggs.”
And the poet will say: “That is too easy, and therefore useless. See, the stones could also be ‘big as eggs.’ Are they really quite small? Are they small as a whisper?”
And I would say: “No, they are a conversational size.”
I’m sorry I even told you guys
(Holmes and Jason, specifically)
but I felt I had to explain myself.
And the day after Evie left me to
my thoughts- everything went so dark.
I told Jason I felt like I was
filling up with stones and I lay in bed
feeling very fat and old and flat and heavy-
exhausted. I said at one point I
felt that the useful part of me
had been long ago spent.
Depression is so tiresome
to anyone except its host. Though they
love me, this is all so very boring. So I’m sorry
I felt compelled to mention anything at all.
I have no interest in simply complaining-
even when I call someone up,
“just to bitch,” it's never truly that
self-indulgent.
What I am actually looking for is someone
to riff with- when I say: “I feel like
I am filling up with stones.”
I need a poet around to ask what the stones look like: "Are they large or small?"
I can say: “Small as eggs.”
And the poet will say: “That is too easy, and therefore useless. See, the stones could also be ‘big as eggs.’ Are they really quite small? Are they small as a whisper?”
And I would say: “No, they are a conversational size.”