Prey - Chapter One

[lightbird777]

Summary: Alternate universe setting.

Disclaimer: I don't own it.

Note: This originally started out as a one-shot entitled Prey posted for fic_15 (3/29/07 prompt, fear) and 30_memories (theme #9, figuring). A few other one-shots were posted for other 30_memories themes, which continued the story; then I got involved in the idea and decided to expand it into a full-length fic.

Comments

[periskyye]

Hey! (grins to see the story more fleshed out)

Some notes...
"and she had worked out complex journeys for them." Is it more than one journey? I wasn't sure if their destination was more than just getting to Hong Kong. The phrasing just threw me a bit.

I also noticed a lot of "had been" type phrases in this piece... though it could also be I'm over-sensitive to the use right now, as a story I'm betaing for another person is very liberal in its use.

Also, "in pain"? You okay?

[lightbird777]

Thanks for reading and for the notes! :)

For the first one, their destination was Hong Kong, but because her aunt was worried about them getting caught, they did a lot of backtracking and zig-zagging so if anyone was following them they wouldn't guess their true destination. Maybe I should change it to "complex journeys within the journey" or "complex mini-journeys"? (Complex mini-journeys reminds me too much of mini-me, though). Any suggestions?

As for the second note, I'll read it through carefully with that in mind. A lot of the story is about memories, so I want that to be clear and that the incident in question happened in the past, especially in parts where the line between past and present may be easily blurred for Mulan. Again, any suggestions you might have would be greatly welcomed!

Thanks so much for your feedback. As for the "in pain", thank you for asking. I had to have a procedure on Friday (nothing serious or life-threatening) and the pain is just the after-effect of that. It'll pass; it's just a drag now. :(

[periskyye]

I like reading! :)

Another thing I noticed when I was rereading (not that it's a big deal; it just struck me as interesting) "she" doesn't have a name until "Mulan never saw them again."

Maybe something like "It wasn't easy to find a safe place. Aunt Qiu-you worked out a complex journey plan. To go south... Two months later, they made it to British-controlled Hong Kong."

[lightbird777]

:) Thanks. I think the "complex journey plan" works. I've done some further tweaking and will probably continue to do so before I work on the next chapter.