How frail the human heart must be - a mirrored pool of thought [private to pink!L]

[mukou_tanjoubi]

(In all honesty, despite Lex and all that has happened on his behalf, B is managing. It's been rough, and he's not sure about how it is that he can possibly stay in this place, especially when he knows that L loved Lexington -- still loves, even, though it's still a difficult matter, bashing that into his brain. He doesn't think that things can be

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[justiceishot]

(Coming from Lex's room, L is devastated. His heart is broken in half, he's freaked out, and he can't help but sob uncontrollably. He's stumbling down the hallway, trying to find somewhere, anywhere but where he'd just been, and he stumbles on his old room, with the apple rug in front of it. That's a safe place; he can rest there--

And when he enters, he sees B, and he lets out a devastated cry, relieved beyond all other things. He collapses in the doorway, and curls his arms around his knees, hoping desperately that B will comfort him, somehow.)

[mukou_tanjoubi]

(Belatedly, B hears the door and is pulled from his thoughts, eyes snapping open at the sound. He gets to his feet and hopes that L is there, and he knows how he'd greet him if he were, but--

But this is not what he had anticipated. He hears L cry out, hit the floor, and he can hardly force himself to move. It's a scene that he despises, seeing L like this, and B has not a clue as of what to do now. However, he registers the fact that L is there and that he needs to do something, anything to comfort him, even if what he says or does means nothing.

Hesitantly, he gets down on his knees in front of L and wraps his arms around the other man, pulling him against his chest tightly and just holding him there for a moment, holding him as though his life depended on it.)

[justiceishot]

(He clings to B, sobbing into his shirt. Everything is a jumble, nothing makes sense-- all that matters is B is holding him, and that comforts him, at least, he knows, until B notices his wrists. And if B shouts at him for that, L didn't think he could take it; he was fragile as it was.

So he holds on, his breath coming in short, wheezing gasps, as he tries to control himself enough to speak. What comes out is quiet and unsteady:)

B-- B, B-- shouted... shouted at me, I-I'm sorry-- p-please, I love you--

[mukou_tanjoubi]

(What L says to him doesn't make much sense at all, but he thinks that this isn't really so important now and hugs L tighter against him. He makes a soft, soothing sound, lightly stroking L's hair as he speaks.)

L -- L, it's okay.
It's all right.
Just...calm down. Everything's okay.
I love you, too.
Everything's okay.

(He's not certain as to what has L so upset, but there are a few things that he could guess at, and none of them make the situation any better.)

[justiceishot]

(For a while, he stays there, letting B's warmth keep him safe. And eventually, the tears and cries die down, until L is left hiccuping, holding B's shirt so tightly his knuckles are white. He sighs softly as he finishes, loosening his hold slightly, and then pulls back to look at B, his face having a half-dead quality to it.

L lifts a hand to cup B's cheek, and he stares B in the eyes. He mumbles something unintelliglble, and then coughs, covering his mouth hastily. For a moment he stares at the floor, and the he rests his head against B's shoulder.)

B... Lex and I... we fought. He... he yelled at me and I yelled back, but... I--

(He breathes in a rattling breath, and closes his eyes.)

[mukou_tanjoubi]

(B gives L a long, intent look, and when L speaks he listens closely. The words disturb him greatly, but his feelings are not toward L; before, he hadn't thought it possible to dislike Lex even more than he had previously, but... He takes in a deep breath and continues to run his hands through L's hair.)

What...did you fight about, L?
He yelled?
Did he hurt you?

[justiceishot]

(He's hesitant to answer those questions, because he doesn't want B to hate Lex further, and... well, the reason for the fighting was something L preferred B didn't know about either.)

Not... not physically.

(He breathes in again, and moves back again, trying to calm himself. His voice breaks a little though.)

I-if... if I tell you, please... please don't get mad. Please.

(He offers his wrists, which are both crisscrossed with barely scabbing scars. L's eyes are teary again, and he looks like he'll completely break in half if B reacts angrily.)

[mukou_tanjoubi]

Not...

(L gives his wrists to B, and B says nothing, does nothing - not for a long while. He merely stares at the wounds, wounds that weren't there last time he saw L. They're just becoming scars, and B hates that he's taking note of every detail of them, how many, how deep, and he can't look up at L. Not then. Instead, he closes his eyes briefly, then reopens them, taking L's wrists in his hands and gingerly brushing his fingers over the cuts -- ghost-like touches on L's skin.)

...L, why did--
Why did you...? Why, L? Again?
I thought that -- ...Why?

(He thinks that maybe he's rambling to himself, that L isn't there at all and it's only himself there, but he turns his eyes up to L's face and takes an unsteady breath, slowly shaking his head back and forth.)

[justiceishot]

(He shudders when B brushes his fingers over the scars, watching his reaction with baited breath. B doesn't act angry, not like the last time, but this is almost worse. L bites his lip, and clenches his fists, trying not to burst out in tears again.)

... I told you. I told you I can't control it. I stop feeling and it hurts, and I have to bring myself back somehow. I wasn't...
I wasn't trying to die.
I'm s-sorry, please... please, you're... I think you're all I have l-left, B--

(He stares into B's eyes, trembling.)

[mukou_tanjoubi]

(B shakes his head again as though he doesn't understand. But he does, almost too well, and he has to keep himself from tightening the grip on L's wrists. He lets them go instead.)

You can't...
Why can't you just -- talk, L?
Why can't you just talk to me? Instead of this?
Instead of this. Is it really that much worse?

(Abruptly, he takes hold of L's shoulders, a firm clutch, staring back into L's eyes just because he can't do anything else, can't look away like he wants to. It's too difficult to understand. L has always been that way. He speaks in a pained voice that's on the brink of breaking -- not angry nor sad, just vulnerable, something he finds he can only be around L. And this time it isn't intentional.)

Why can't it stop?
I can't -- I could never do anything. Never?
Right?

[justiceishot]

I...

(B lets go of L's wrists and the tears spill over. He isn't crying loudly, not anymore, just had a silent, hurt expression as he stares. L just wants... just wants someone to help him, but he'd ended up hurting B instead and it was all his fault--)

I d-don't know, B, I--
I didn't-- I never meant to--

(He isn't sure what to say, and as a result, his throat clenches up, as he slowly reverts back to his previous hysterical state. No one could help him he was going to be alone and he'd loose them both and--

A pained gasp falls from L's lips, and takes B's face in his hands, tears streaming down his face.)

N-no. No. Nonono, no, B, no--
Not right-- not, you-- you're perfect-- you are and I don't deserve you, B, but you're here and--

... Please don't...

(He strokes B's face gently, brokenly.)

[mukou_tanjoubi]

(L's words sound a bit distorted in B's ears, a bit distant, and he can't really feel L's hands on his face at first, doesn't realize they're even there for a while. He gulps once, then glances down at L's hands - then back up to his eyes. And something in him causes him to grin, and he doesn't know why but he's smiling in a way that's too sincere for all of this, too sincere that he doesn't even notice. He takes L's hands and pulls them down, holding them in his own in a way that one would a piece of cystal, almost like he'll break under his touch.)

Don't...deserve--
L. L, you're wrong. So, so wrong.
You deserve me. More, even. If I could give you more, God knows that I would, L.

(His words come so easily, so steadily -- so different from just moments ago, and he doesn't even pause to think about these words as he says them.)

I would...

(He sighs, smile falling into more of a thoughtful expression.)

I just never understood you. You. I never did

[justiceishot]

(L doesn't like the way that B is smiling like that; he hates it because it looks and feels sincere when the situation is anything but okay. But then again, it's better than B crying, because... L couldn't handle that. B crying meant that the situation was hopeless, and he had to believe they was some sort of way to fix all of this or he'd go insane.

He wants to hold B's hands tightly, but his fingers won't move...)

You give me more. You always have.
You're always forgiving and loving even when I don't deserve it, B.

(He listens, expression hopeless, just... just not even sad, or anything. Just completely and utterly hopeless.)

I don't... I don't understand myself, either.
What I do know, though, what I do understand...
Is that you... without you, I would be dead. Several times over.
I can't... live without you. I can't breathe without you, remember?

You... You help more than you know, B.

(And finally his hands are working again, and he clutches B's hands tightly, entwining their fingers, trying to hold on.)

[mukou_tanjoubi]

...But...

(B trails off, speechless; he can't force his mind to string together a coherent statement, let alone pronounce such words. But L's words catch him and keep him at one thought, a memory, and he knows that L is so, so right. He gives a hesitant nod.)

Can't -- can't breathe without.
I remember, L. I do remember that. And that's something...that can never change.
No matter who else is here besides the two of us, who else comes between the two of us.

Then prove it.

(The touch makes him jump a bit, which is a very odd thing to him. After being touched by this man time and time again, why did that simple contact bring about a reaction like that? He swallows a gulp and closes his eyes, giving a deep, shuddery breath.)

I'd...tell you to stop, L.
You know that I would.
But...but you wouldn't listen, would you?
You'd...say you would try. And I would get my hopes up. So--
So I won't ask you to stop, and I won't yell or argue about it.

(He shakes his head at his owns words, as though affirming them) But I will promise