The stuffed men.
Due to the influence of a couple of friends, and a a lack (not loss) of anything better to do since finishing exams, I have been reading over this site. Blogs of people still near. Musings of those long gone. Old posts of selves, long gone.
Which, inevitably sparked conversations with people with whom I haven't conversed for quite some time. The inevitable question "Why haven't I heard from you in so long?"
I mean it's a good question really. What draws people together. What drags/drives/drains people apart. Peope change. We all recognise that.
The answer that I want to say, though never would. That creeps to the tip of the tongue but is swallowed back down just in time, as bile upon a punch to the stomach. Is simply that they don't interest me anymore. It's not an insult, as we have changed. What once stirred me to life stirs no longer. We have much history and I am fond of our associations. But no effort can be drawn on my part.
It becomes hard to live. A life built on transience. What to invest in something. Whether to care, to trust, to love. For nothing lasts. Certainly we have had our moments. Is that what is being asked? Why do we no longer share such moments?
There was a time when I treated everybody as objects at play. We were there for our mutual amusement and enjoyment. Our companionships were pleasant, and the meanings we gave them irrelevant. Who cared for meaning when there was permanence in the present.
As I get older, the less I see myself and others as objects with which to interact. I have gained too much respect for those around me. I have gained too much respect for myself. To have come this far is quite an achievement. To not have failed and fallen at each and every loss.
For there has been loss. The transience of life demands it. Every person, relationship and event must culminate in its loss.
Each time I meet a new person. Each time I speak a word I am distraught because I know that it shall not last. I am paniced by the inability to stop things from fading away.
But I suppose that there is hope. Hope in change? In that once one thing fades the new things will bring new moments.
Though here I am, stuffed full. I cling so much to the moments I've had. The loss is overwhelming. With such weight of meaning behind, what could the present possibly bring. I find that I am too slow-witted to appreciate the moment. I may only gain such a sense by stopping and staring at it a while.
There are so many people who have fallen out of my life. Yet I know that when I see them that things will continue as though no time has passed. Like a book that I can put down and come back to at my leisure. Why haven't you heard from me in so long? Because we've both been leading our lives and although these have made us into different people, somehow nothing has changed. The truth is I will never lose anything that I once had. It stays here and stuffs me full.
***
I think I'll have to move to Melbourne. It's a beautiful city and has such a sense of promise. After I travel Europe for a while. As much as I might think that I know myself, there is so much transience I need to experience and compile. I have so much more to learn and see before I can experience the moment as it should be. Before I can invest without worrying about impermanence.
Which, inevitably sparked conversations with people with whom I haven't conversed for quite some time. The inevitable question "Why haven't I heard from you in so long?"
I mean it's a good question really. What draws people together. What drags/drives/drains people apart. Peope change. We all recognise that.
The answer that I want to say, though never would. That creeps to the tip of the tongue but is swallowed back down just in time, as bile upon a punch to the stomach. Is simply that they don't interest me anymore. It's not an insult, as we have changed. What once stirred me to life stirs no longer. We have much history and I am fond of our associations. But no effort can be drawn on my part.
It becomes hard to live. A life built on transience. What to invest in something. Whether to care, to trust, to love. For nothing lasts. Certainly we have had our moments. Is that what is being asked? Why do we no longer share such moments?
There was a time when I treated everybody as objects at play. We were there for our mutual amusement and enjoyment. Our companionships were pleasant, and the meanings we gave them irrelevant. Who cared for meaning when there was permanence in the present.
As I get older, the less I see myself and others as objects with which to interact. I have gained too much respect for those around me. I have gained too much respect for myself. To have come this far is quite an achievement. To not have failed and fallen at each and every loss.
For there has been loss. The transience of life demands it. Every person, relationship and event must culminate in its loss.
Each time I meet a new person. Each time I speak a word I am distraught because I know that it shall not last. I am paniced by the inability to stop things from fading away.
But I suppose that there is hope. Hope in change? In that once one thing fades the new things will bring new moments.
Though here I am, stuffed full. I cling so much to the moments I've had. The loss is overwhelming. With such weight of meaning behind, what could the present possibly bring. I find that I am too slow-witted to appreciate the moment. I may only gain such a sense by stopping and staring at it a while.
There are so many people who have fallen out of my life. Yet I know that when I see them that things will continue as though no time has passed. Like a book that I can put down and come back to at my leisure. Why haven't you heard from me in so long? Because we've both been leading our lives and although these have made us into different people, somehow nothing has changed. The truth is I will never lose anything that I once had. It stays here and stuffs me full.
***
I think I'll have to move to Melbourne. It's a beautiful city and has such a sense of promise. After I travel Europe for a while. As much as I might think that I know myself, there is so much transience I need to experience and compile. I have so much more to learn and see before I can experience the moment as it should be. Before I can invest without worrying about impermanence.