(no subject)
Lolomg. I got an EPIC review on the balls-to-the-wall Mary Sue I wrote for beta testing torture over at ff_exchange.
The bolded bits are from the story itself.
So what I establish from the first paragraph is that your character is not only a Mary Sue but also apparently magical, for she is able to scream when she is unconscious. Good, I'll keep that in mind. Now, as for the description, I was unable to decipher exactly what you were going for, but from what I deduce, Malindabree Jennifer Hikaru-Crystalstone (good Japanese name there, I'll spare you the information that Hikaru is, in fact, a first name) is gothic, a Yuna cross-breed, and likes to play Video Games (capitalized, of course).
The story moves on...
Ah! Some song lyrics! This is very original. I'm not sure I AM ready for this, actually. Good lyric choice.
"I wake up to a bright lite above me and wondering if she's in heaven."
This sentence has perplexed me. You've woken up... you're wondering if WHO'S in heaven? I must be missing something.
"Be carefull, your hurt, ya" She here's a worried Jamacian man's voice above her.
And here the FFX writers cringed as their character had bad cultural stereotypes thrust upon him as well as the mistaken ethnic identity of a Jamaican islander.
"What?? Where am i?? Am I dreaming??"" she exclaims. "Get a
hold of yourself, or you'll be hurt more, ya!!"
Because everybody knows that when somebody is injured it is dangerous to their health to allow them to operate under the assumption that they are dreaming.
Her eyes flutter openand she sees a man with spiky orange hair, the colour of fire and tan muscles. He had a blue headband on. Melindabree sits up and looks around.
Wow. I never called myself a biologist, but here I was all these years living with the false impression that in order to achieve that fresh-off-the-beach look, I needed to tan my skin. Now I see it isn't my Irish blood that keeps me from gaining any color, it is in fact that I needed to work on tanning my MUSCLES. Damn. I really missed the boat on that one. I don't know if I'll ever make up for lost time there.
She isn't in Kansas any more, that's for sure!! Around her, there are four ppl and the Jamaca guy says "My name's Wakka." "Hi Wakka, I'm Melindabree."
Melindabree? Or Malindabree? This is discontinuity of the worst kind here. Poor Wakka, as well. He's now gone from Besaidian to Jamacian to simply Jamaca. I'm not sure if this is a place or a business or a name...
A quiet, pretty preppy girl with one blue eye and one green eye like me says "Im Yuna."
A emo girl with purple lips like me except with long black dreds says "Im Lulu."
A blonde boy who's really hot but also a bit of a chav smiles and says "I'm Tidus."
A reviewer who's totally horrified by this exchange says, "Dear God, she made her char a Yuna-Lulu cross. Thank God she didn't throw Tidus into her appearance, too."
"Where, am I?"
"You're in Spira, silly, don't you rememember?" Laughs Lulu.
"Last I remember, I was in my room playing ffx"
They all look confused. "Whats FFX?" They ecxlaim.
It certainly wouldn't have been enough for just one person to ask this question. For dramatic effect they must all say the same thing at once. I understand completely. You must be a theatrical genius.
"Nevermind, I say. So are we go Zanerkand?" I ask.
And here they all bowed their heads, for they could see that their confusion involving the so-called "FFX" was not due to any fault of their own, but clearly resulting from the fact that their guest speaks English like a toddler.
"Me and Tidus are next week." Said Wakka.
"Arent the rest of us too??"
"Ha, ha, ha. That's funny. Girls don't play Blitz ball." Said Tidus.
"Blitzball?? In Zanerkand??" I shout.
"Of course." Yuna smilted.
Forgive me. I've recently spent time studying foreign languages and must have let my English go. Smilted, I assume, is a new slang term. I'm going to guess a cross between smirking and smelting. So, Yuna's processing iron with an ironic grin on her face. Got it. Guess she's gotta do something since sexist Spira doesn't let women play blitzball.
"Our team the Spiran Sorcerers play The Zanerkand Abes next week."
Explained Wakka.
"Oh, we'd better get to class, lunch is over." Shouts Lulu.
I was under the impression if Malindabree was injured she would have been in a hospital wing of some kind. Now I realize that makes little sense, for I highly doubt four strangers would randomly go visit her on their lunch break. So I am just going to pretend I knew where this was set and go with it. I am also going to pretend that there is a good reason Lulu is shouting.
Melindabree looks confused. "Class??" She says.
"Yeah, next period we are gonna have Mr Auron."
"Auron's here??" I exclaim.
"Of course, he teaches pre-algebra and sword fighting." Says Tidus.
What a logical combination. I guess that could be useful. Assuming somebody ever needs to find X while locked in mortal combat. I'm sure it's happened.
"You can come with me and Ill show you your locker, " Said Lulu and smiled.
I will not question how Lulu knows where Malindabree's locker is. I am going to assume she is psychic. Perhaps mind-reading is something Mr. Auron taught her in pre-algebra.
Lyrics again! Ah, this is unfortunate. These suggest you've by now caught me writing this, now you're pointing the finger at me. I am a bad, bad person. Oh noes.
I can't believe I am in High school in Spra with
Wakka,Tidus,Auron,Lulu,and,Yuna, Malindabree thinks to herself. But where's Rikku and Kimahri? Just then, a big furry blue cat walked by.
"That's principle Seymour's cat Kiki Mari." Lulu admits. I bend down and pet his ear and her purrs. "I love cats." I smile sweetly.
...I'm not even sure what to say to this. I think in the interest of time and space I'll just let it go because there's too many questions...
Then suddenly a fat girl with acne and messy blonde hair walks by. "That is Rikku. She's a theif. She stole the Japanese club's bakesale money."
Which Lulu must assume is pertinent information, considering Malindabree's half-Japanese last name.
"She seems nice" Malindabree says to her sweetly.
"Well, she's not. Don't trust her or else she will steal everything. Including you're man!!" She added "If you dont beleive me, ask Paine about Nooj."
"I'll remember that," I reply.
Because it's logical that Malindabree would know who Nooj is, despite the fact that she has just arrived in school. And everyone knows all the guys leave their hotties for a fat chick with acne who steals stuff. Brilliant.
Then the bell rings. "We'd better hurry!!"
When I was in high school, the bell signified the start of a period. In that case, why hurry? Aren't they already late?
And more song lyrics. I really wanted to run away at this point, too. Your song choices are brilliantly in tune with the emotions of the reader. I applaud this.
"Class, please settle down!! We have a new student today. Her name is Malindabree and she's an exchange student..."
"From the aisle of Besaid" I muttered.
Now I understand completely. Wakka cannot be from Besaid because Malindabree, during her otherworldly transport into an alternate reality, has been positioned as a Besaidian islander in place of him. Therefore, your assumption that he is Jamaican can only make sense, for where else is he to go?
Malindabree sat down in my chair next to Lulu and looked at Aurom. He smiled at her. She thinks to her self, I didn't know Auron knew math."
Of course a high-class warrior monk would never have been trained in things so basic as pre-algebra.
"Okay, first half of the class we will sword fight then we will open our pre-algebra books."
I guess that makes sense. Let the class get all their energy out and then bore them to death with math.
So then we all got out our swords. Malindabree got a sword that was bigger than herself, with a dragon on the handle and faeries on the blade, that shimmered in the sun.
I was under the impression that Malindabree was in a classroom at this point, so I am curious to know how the sun became involved here.
She was partnered up witth Lulu and we started. Auron walked around to me. "Your natural." He stated.
You make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman...
She blushed and kept fightning.
Another slang term I admit I am unfamiliar with. This one I assume to mean fighting lightning, which is understandable as a conjoined word, really. There's just too many shared letters to say each word separately.
Suddenly Malindabree cried out. "My ankle!!" She cried. The last thing she knew before she fell and passed out was strong hands on her back.
This is truly reminiscent of a Lord of the Rings battle sequence. Every attacker during a sword fight would, of course, aim for their opponent's ankle. It's brilliant. The other person isn't expecting it, they're busy worrying about important things like their heart and neck, so a little ankle action is going to throw them completely off guard. Wow. You should be in charge of an army with strategies like this. Furthermore, whatever you imagine happened to Malindabree's ankle must have been truly a critical hit, for I was completely unaware that such injuries could lead to unconsciousness.
LAST PARAGRAPH TOPPER OUTSIDE THE CUT FOR YOUR CONVENIENT AMUSEMENT:
Okay. So the first thing I thought when I read this was, oh lawd, the girl must be 10 years old. Only then I went to your profile and I saw your other stories and I was truly perplexed because they indicated actual thought processes. In the future, unless you enjoy reviews like this one, I suggest you keep your Mountain Dew rambles to yourself. They are an insult to literature and kill brain cells.
...
Aahaha, some of this was actually hilarious. But insult to literature? I'll remember that, should I ever dare to soil the bastion of the high brow that is fanfiction.net again. Lol. And they even looked at my other stories.
I just hope this person isn't writing things like this to actual 10 year old girls.
The bolded bits are from the story itself.
So what I establish from the first paragraph is that your character is not only a Mary Sue but also apparently magical, for she is able to scream when she is unconscious. Good, I'll keep that in mind. Now, as for the description, I was unable to decipher exactly what you were going for, but from what I deduce, Malindabree Jennifer Hikaru-Crystalstone (good Japanese name there, I'll spare you the information that Hikaru is, in fact, a first name) is gothic, a Yuna cross-breed, and likes to play Video Games (capitalized, of course).
The story moves on...
Ah! Some song lyrics! This is very original. I'm not sure I AM ready for this, actually. Good lyric choice.
"I wake up to a bright lite above me and wondering if she's in heaven."
This sentence has perplexed me. You've woken up... you're wondering if WHO'S in heaven? I must be missing something.
"Be carefull, your hurt, ya" She here's a worried Jamacian man's voice above her.
And here the FFX writers cringed as their character had bad cultural stereotypes thrust upon him as well as the mistaken ethnic identity of a Jamaican islander.
"What?? Where am i?? Am I dreaming??"" she exclaims. "Get a
hold of yourself, or you'll be hurt more, ya!!"
Because everybody knows that when somebody is injured it is dangerous to their health to allow them to operate under the assumption that they are dreaming.
Her eyes flutter openand she sees a man with spiky orange hair, the colour of fire and tan muscles. He had a blue headband on. Melindabree sits up and looks around.
Wow. I never called myself a biologist, but here I was all these years living with the false impression that in order to achieve that fresh-off-the-beach look, I needed to tan my skin. Now I see it isn't my Irish blood that keeps me from gaining any color, it is in fact that I needed to work on tanning my MUSCLES. Damn. I really missed the boat on that one. I don't know if I'll ever make up for lost time there.
She isn't in Kansas any more, that's for sure!! Around her, there are four ppl and the Jamaca guy says "My name's Wakka." "Hi Wakka, I'm Melindabree."
Melindabree? Or Malindabree? This is discontinuity of the worst kind here. Poor Wakka, as well. He's now gone from Besaidian to Jamacian to simply Jamaca. I'm not sure if this is a place or a business or a name...
A quiet, pretty preppy girl with one blue eye and one green eye like me says "Im Yuna."
A emo girl with purple lips like me except with long black dreds says "Im Lulu."
A blonde boy who's really hot but also a bit of a chav smiles and says "I'm Tidus."
A reviewer who's totally horrified by this exchange says, "Dear God, she made her char a Yuna-Lulu cross. Thank God she didn't throw Tidus into her appearance, too."
"Where, am I?"
"You're in Spira, silly, don't you rememember?" Laughs Lulu.
"Last I remember, I was in my room playing ffx"
They all look confused. "Whats FFX?" They ecxlaim.
It certainly wouldn't have been enough for just one person to ask this question. For dramatic effect they must all say the same thing at once. I understand completely. You must be a theatrical genius.
"Nevermind, I say. So are we go Zanerkand?" I ask.
And here they all bowed their heads, for they could see that their confusion involving the so-called "FFX" was not due to any fault of their own, but clearly resulting from the fact that their guest speaks English like a toddler.
"Me and Tidus are next week." Said Wakka.
"Arent the rest of us too??"
"Ha, ha, ha. That's funny. Girls don't play Blitz ball." Said Tidus.
"Blitzball?? In Zanerkand??" I shout.
"Of course." Yuna smilted.
Forgive me. I've recently spent time studying foreign languages and must have let my English go. Smilted, I assume, is a new slang term. I'm going to guess a cross between smirking and smelting. So, Yuna's processing iron with an ironic grin on her face. Got it. Guess she's gotta do something since sexist Spira doesn't let women play blitzball.
"Our team the Spiran Sorcerers play The Zanerkand Abes next week."
Explained Wakka.
"Oh, we'd better get to class, lunch is over." Shouts Lulu.
I was under the impression if Malindabree was injured she would have been in a hospital wing of some kind. Now I realize that makes little sense, for I highly doubt four strangers would randomly go visit her on their lunch break. So I am just going to pretend I knew where this was set and go with it. I am also going to pretend that there is a good reason Lulu is shouting.
Melindabree looks confused. "Class??" She says.
"Yeah, next period we are gonna have Mr Auron."
"Auron's here??" I exclaim.
"Of course, he teaches pre-algebra and sword fighting." Says Tidus.
What a logical combination. I guess that could be useful. Assuming somebody ever needs to find X while locked in mortal combat. I'm sure it's happened.
"You can come with me and Ill show you your locker, " Said Lulu and smiled.
I will not question how Lulu knows where Malindabree's locker is. I am going to assume she is psychic. Perhaps mind-reading is something Mr. Auron taught her in pre-algebra.
Lyrics again! Ah, this is unfortunate. These suggest you've by now caught me writing this, now you're pointing the finger at me. I am a bad, bad person. Oh noes.
I can't believe I am in High school in Spra with
Wakka,Tidus,Auron,Lulu,and,Yuna, Malindabree thinks to herself. But where's Rikku and Kimahri? Just then, a big furry blue cat walked by.
"That's principle Seymour's cat Kiki Mari." Lulu admits. I bend down and pet his ear and her purrs. "I love cats." I smile sweetly.
...I'm not even sure what to say to this. I think in the interest of time and space I'll just let it go because there's too many questions...
Then suddenly a fat girl with acne and messy blonde hair walks by. "That is Rikku. She's a theif. She stole the Japanese club's bakesale money."
Which Lulu must assume is pertinent information, considering Malindabree's half-Japanese last name.
"She seems nice" Malindabree says to her sweetly.
"Well, she's not. Don't trust her or else she will steal everything. Including you're man!!" She added "If you dont beleive me, ask Paine about Nooj."
"I'll remember that," I reply.
Because it's logical that Malindabree would know who Nooj is, despite the fact that she has just arrived in school. And everyone knows all the guys leave their hotties for a fat chick with acne who steals stuff. Brilliant.
Then the bell rings. "We'd better hurry!!"
When I was in high school, the bell signified the start of a period. In that case, why hurry? Aren't they already late?
And more song lyrics. I really wanted to run away at this point, too. Your song choices are brilliantly in tune with the emotions of the reader. I applaud this.
"Class, please settle down!! We have a new student today. Her name is Malindabree and she's an exchange student..."
"From the aisle of Besaid" I muttered.
Now I understand completely. Wakka cannot be from Besaid because Malindabree, during her otherworldly transport into an alternate reality, has been positioned as a Besaidian islander in place of him. Therefore, your assumption that he is Jamaican can only make sense, for where else is he to go?
Malindabree sat down in my chair next to Lulu and looked at Aurom. He smiled at her. She thinks to her self, I didn't know Auron knew math."
Of course a high-class warrior monk would never have been trained in things so basic as pre-algebra.
"Okay, first half of the class we will sword fight then we will open our pre-algebra books."
I guess that makes sense. Let the class get all their energy out and then bore them to death with math.
So then we all got out our swords. Malindabree got a sword that was bigger than herself, with a dragon on the handle and faeries on the blade, that shimmered in the sun.
I was under the impression that Malindabree was in a classroom at this point, so I am curious to know how the sun became involved here.
She was partnered up witth Lulu and we started. Auron walked around to me. "Your natural." He stated.
You make me feel, you make me feel, you make me feel like a natural woman...
She blushed and kept fightning.
Another slang term I admit I am unfamiliar with. This one I assume to mean fighting lightning, which is understandable as a conjoined word, really. There's just too many shared letters to say each word separately.
Suddenly Malindabree cried out. "My ankle!!" She cried. The last thing she knew before she fell and passed out was strong hands on her back.
This is truly reminiscent of a Lord of the Rings battle sequence. Every attacker during a sword fight would, of course, aim for their opponent's ankle. It's brilliant. The other person isn't expecting it, they're busy worrying about important things like their heart and neck, so a little ankle action is going to throw them completely off guard. Wow. You should be in charge of an army with strategies like this. Furthermore, whatever you imagine happened to Malindabree's ankle must have been truly a critical hit, for I was completely unaware that such injuries could lead to unconsciousness.
LAST PARAGRAPH TOPPER OUTSIDE THE CUT FOR YOUR CONVENIENT AMUSEMENT:
Okay. So the first thing I thought when I read this was, oh lawd, the girl must be 10 years old. Only then I went to your profile and I saw your other stories and I was truly perplexed because they indicated actual thought processes. In the future, unless you enjoy reviews like this one, I suggest you keep your Mountain Dew rambles to yourself. They are an insult to literature and kill brain cells.
...
Aahaha, some of this was actually hilarious. But insult to literature? I'll remember that, should I ever dare to soil the bastion of the high brow that is fanfiction.net again. Lol. And they even looked at my other stories.
I just hope this person isn't writing things like this to actual 10 year old girls.