(no subject)
My life seems to have lost it's flavor..
I don't know what it is..
Whether it's simple depression, or a culmination of the thoughts I've been having.
Just all of this is weighing down on me.
Back in school, I used to look forward to the weekends, used to live for them. I'd pass the time by, waiting for my chance to see my friends, to blossom, to live and be social with those I truly felt comfortable around.
I don't know..It's just I don't seem to have much to work toward lately. I hope this is only temporary, until I get into college, or something.
Ever since I started work..It sucked up so much time, I was so depressed with most of my life being devoted to do simple tasks for other people all day..
The reason I had work was the make money, right? About the only reason I had a job..
And money's just a form of..promises. A promise that I have done something, for someone, somewhere, and that someone should do something for me, in exchange for me having done something before?
I mow your lawn, you give me five dollars, I give the five dollars to someone to make me a sandwhich, out of something someone has baked, and butchered, and grown.
It's funny when you look at it like that.
So..What do I do with my life? Make money? The more money I get..the bigger station I have in life, the more I'll have to spend on it, the less the money will equal out to..
So I don't see much in looking for a higher 'station' in life..Except that it means I have more time to myself, rather then working..
So is that the big thing? Time is more important then money, right?
Time equals money..Time and Effort are what money stands for, aren't they?
So I work hard, devote time..into freeing up time later? Sounds fishy..
I've also found that I don't know what I want to be, and I'm afraid of what I am..
I'm afraid that in the past I've been callous, greedy, manipulative, without realizing it..It's hard to see what I'm doing from another point of view, when I get caught up in things..
And I feel entirely sorry for it.. But it's supposed to make me who I am, right?
And I get told that I am loved...That I'm a good person..But is it just welfare? Or sincere?
I've been feeling like I need something to work on..Like music, or a sculpture, some skill, or just.. something.
I wonder if I should devote this feeling to a person.. That's a form of love, right?
Treating someone like all those fairy tales, and love songs make relationships sound? But it's funny, how the biggest examples of love, can only be shown through strife and conflict.. Just holding someone forever doesn't look nearly as heroic as being there for them, when they find their way back from sojourn.
It's hard to think of life as just watching the moments go by..It makes one want to lay still, watch everything..suck on the seconds like candy, to live the longest..
I remember living in the minutes, the hours of the day.. But lately, I've felt it more in days, and weeks.
To me, Sex is no different then anything else.
If you have a book club, you get together and talk about books, right? A pen pal, you just write letters to each other, talk in a medium.
If you have someone, that you can only relate to on a passionate, and sexual level, it's just the same as everything else, in my opinion.. It just seems all messed up in other's views though, I don't get it. I'm not saying I'm an advocate of permiscuous sex, I'm just saying..to each his own, and relate how you can to other people. Everything's about interaction. You find it where you can get it..
Whether it's getting attention through yelling at each other, pushing each other's buttons..
Or just a simple nod of approval from a passerby.
I don't know what I'm saying..
If I've tried and talked to you about one thing, and you come up blank..And I try on another, and another, and they all pan out to nothing..and I finally hit a goldmine of something that you respond to, and interact with, something we have no problem communicating about or through..
And you decide to flip out on me, when all we talk about is that...Is it really my fault?
You don't make any point to change it, or try and help. You just condemn me, out of nowhere. I think it's unfair.
Also, I've decided if I'm ever in a about-to-die situation, like a falling plane, or something of the sort, and I've time to yell out..
I know just what I'll say.
I don't know what it is..
Whether it's simple depression, or a culmination of the thoughts I've been having.
Just all of this is weighing down on me.
Back in school, I used to look forward to the weekends, used to live for them. I'd pass the time by, waiting for my chance to see my friends, to blossom, to live and be social with those I truly felt comfortable around.
I don't know..It's just I don't seem to have much to work toward lately. I hope this is only temporary, until I get into college, or something.
Ever since I started work..It sucked up so much time, I was so depressed with most of my life being devoted to do simple tasks for other people all day..
The reason I had work was the make money, right? About the only reason I had a job..
And money's just a form of..promises. A promise that I have done something, for someone, somewhere, and that someone should do something for me, in exchange for me having done something before?
I mow your lawn, you give me five dollars, I give the five dollars to someone to make me a sandwhich, out of something someone has baked, and butchered, and grown.
It's funny when you look at it like that.
So..What do I do with my life? Make money? The more money I get..the bigger station I have in life, the more I'll have to spend on it, the less the money will equal out to..
So I don't see much in looking for a higher 'station' in life..Except that it means I have more time to myself, rather then working..
So is that the big thing? Time is more important then money, right?
Time equals money..Time and Effort are what money stands for, aren't they?
So I work hard, devote time..into freeing up time later? Sounds fishy..
I've also found that I don't know what I want to be, and I'm afraid of what I am..
I'm afraid that in the past I've been callous, greedy, manipulative, without realizing it..It's hard to see what I'm doing from another point of view, when I get caught up in things..
And I feel entirely sorry for it.. But it's supposed to make me who I am, right?
And I get told that I am loved...That I'm a good person..But is it just welfare? Or sincere?
I've been feeling like I need something to work on..Like music, or a sculpture, some skill, or just.. something.
I wonder if I should devote this feeling to a person.. That's a form of love, right?
Treating someone like all those fairy tales, and love songs make relationships sound? But it's funny, how the biggest examples of love, can only be shown through strife and conflict.. Just holding someone forever doesn't look nearly as heroic as being there for them, when they find their way back from sojourn.
It's hard to think of life as just watching the moments go by..It makes one want to lay still, watch everything..suck on the seconds like candy, to live the longest..
I remember living in the minutes, the hours of the day.. But lately, I've felt it more in days, and weeks.
To me, Sex is no different then anything else.
If you have a book club, you get together and talk about books, right? A pen pal, you just write letters to each other, talk in a medium.
If you have someone, that you can only relate to on a passionate, and sexual level, it's just the same as everything else, in my opinion.. It just seems all messed up in other's views though, I don't get it. I'm not saying I'm an advocate of permiscuous sex, I'm just saying..to each his own, and relate how you can to other people. Everything's about interaction. You find it where you can get it..
Whether it's getting attention through yelling at each other, pushing each other's buttons..
Or just a simple nod of approval from a passerby.
I don't know what I'm saying..
If I've tried and talked to you about one thing, and you come up blank..And I try on another, and another, and they all pan out to nothing..and I finally hit a goldmine of something that you respond to, and interact with, something we have no problem communicating about or through..
And you decide to flip out on me, when all we talk about is that...Is it really my fault?
You don't make any point to change it, or try and help. You just condemn me, out of nowhere. I think it's unfair.
Also, I've decided if I'm ever in a about-to-die situation, like a falling plane, or something of the sort, and I've time to yell out..
I know just what I'll say.