Disney Entry Part 2: Ramblings and Incoherencies
Here I shall discuss/explain a personality flaw, or at least I think it is a flaw, oh, I'm never quite sure about that, but my safe assumption would be to label it as a flaw. I try, although not as much as I can, to act against it.
Most probably from my observations of the media, and my associations with these types of people I have had earlier in my life (although I cannot say that I actually remember much anymore which, in some ways, can be either delightfully fun or frustratingly.. well... frustrating.). Attractive people. Oh ho! But not any type of attractive person, no. There are three types: hot, cute, oddly intriguing. For some not so odd reason, I had developed the mindset that with particular combinations of bone structures/facial structures/skin/hair/"form"/etc some type of innate evil resides. (A.K.A. Hot people are evil.) Ah ha!, but what about the friends of the "hot" (I do not particularly like the term hot, it seems to be degrading to the hot person. And, in an effort to preserve their integrity [yes, odd I know, being that I, to some degree, do not hold these types of people in high esteem] I shall change the term hot into unusually attractive.) The friends of these unusually attractive people, I deemed, shall also be placed in the evil pot. Now, from my assumptions of the innate natures of these people, I do a wonderfully harsh job of judgement. Let us now, with this background information, which I must admit is probably not the most coherent piece of work I have put together, go to the Disney trip.
There were a set of three Bruinettes (not including Jessica b/c she is my friend) on the trip. None of them were viciously attractive, but they were at least mildly pleasing to the eye. I assumed that from the company that they took that they must be bad people. I, surely by accident, stumbled into talking to them, and they were so very nice. And very polite also, now that I think of it. It was at this time, and another reminder from Claire that I had undergone this process many times before, that I thought to myself, "Well Tyler, perhaps these people aren't evil at all. Perhaps they have the potential to be wonderfully nice people." I have, since the trip, not pursued any friendly relationship with these people because that would be illogical, but that does not scratch out the fact that they were actually nice. I have decided, once again (until I forget), to try to be nice to even the people that I think to be the most vile. It was quite liberating and made me jovial.
Speaking of joviality (if that actually is a word) I find myself to be a very merry person. There is rarely a time when I am genuinely sad for a prolonged periods of time. Sure there are always small little spurts of sadness, but that's part of life. Actually probably the main cause of these spurts would be my brother. I have to admit, although he is quite amusing and I like having him as a brother, he has found himself very infatuated with... himself. He never thinks he is wrong, and always puts his own personal feelings in front of others. Due to this, he often makes fun of me or says I'm wrong or stupid, so it gets me sad. It makes me feel sort of inferior, but then I stop and think how happy I am all the time and how he is often sour, so I get sort of happy after that. When I ever find myself sad or worried or angry I force myself to become happy. And yes, it is force, I have to put a large amount of willpower into it. Due to the fact that it is sometimes forced, I used to think that perhaps this happiness is fake happiness. I can't say that I have ever found any solid proof against it, but I do think that I was wrong -- I think it is true happiness. If others can be good at sports, speaking, schoolwork, socialness, why can't I be talented at being jovial. Actually I consider my almost perpetual happiness to be probably my best talent. But there are times when I am sad or doubtful, and when I fail to force myself to be happy it is sort of bad. Actually, not to deceive anyone who would be bored enough to read this entire entry, I sometimes don't even try to force myself to be happy again. Sometimes it is neat to feel sadness or anxiety, you know? Just that normal teen feeling, I guess (but perhaps it's not teen, perhaps it's simply human.)
These gaps in happiness make me think not so happy things. (I know the logic is simply perplexing. [saracasm]) During the trip I started to think to myself, what if the friends that I thought were my friends were not actually friends, but just simply pretending to be my friends so that they could become the perfect enemies. Pretending to be my friends so that they could later deceive me, and any pain that they may cause would be amplified by the fact that I would feel betrayed by a person that I used to hold in my trust. The destruction of trust can be quite painful, actually I think that is the worst thing a friend can do it to you, and luckily, I am not overly familiar with this by any means. Reguardless of how silly it was, I began doubting that any of the people around me liked me. I have since stabalized, and think that at least the vast majority actually like me, but there is no way for me to know with any type of certainty.
I also told my roommates (in the illogical stupor of fatigue) that I was a potato -- one with many many eyes, and one big eye. I believe that that may have been probably one of the few things I said that night that had any semblance of truth. By calling myself a potato I was stating that I truly have no deeply embedded sexual desires. (To avoid confusion thought, I remind you that I am heterosexual.) Many guys (and girls) have the intense desire to engage in sexual pleasures, and if they did sort of symbolize extreme affection I would never engage in them in any type of frequency for the rest of my life because they would become animalistic. My main desire is to hug and love everyone (or at least a lot of people). I want to be friends to many and be able to embrace them and share myself with them without them thinking I wanted a "committed relationship." My big eye. I do tend to latch on to one certain person, and this person I want to hug even more and share even more - sort of like an uber friend. But I want to be able to do this with many other friends. I cannot. People would imply things that are not true. My potatoness is not a large concern of mine.
I do not know what I have written. I write this to perhaps read it over and arrange my thoughts being that I often forget and twist what I do think. It is for no one but me, but feel free to read if you so desire. That is my disclaimer.
Most probably from my observations of the media, and my associations with these types of people I have had earlier in my life (although I cannot say that I actually remember much anymore which, in some ways, can be either delightfully fun or frustratingly.. well... frustrating.). Attractive people. Oh ho! But not any type of attractive person, no. There are three types: hot, cute, oddly intriguing. For some not so odd reason, I had developed the mindset that with particular combinations of bone structures/facial structures/skin/hair/"form"/etc some type of innate evil resides. (A.K.A. Hot people are evil.) Ah ha!, but what about the friends of the "hot" (I do not particularly like the term hot, it seems to be degrading to the hot person. And, in an effort to preserve their integrity [yes, odd I know, being that I, to some degree, do not hold these types of people in high esteem] I shall change the term hot into unusually attractive.) The friends of these unusually attractive people, I deemed, shall also be placed in the evil pot. Now, from my assumptions of the innate natures of these people, I do a wonderfully harsh job of judgement. Let us now, with this background information, which I must admit is probably not the most coherent piece of work I have put together, go to the Disney trip.
There were a set of three Bruinettes (not including Jessica b/c she is my friend) on the trip. None of them were viciously attractive, but they were at least mildly pleasing to the eye. I assumed that from the company that they took that they must be bad people. I, surely by accident, stumbled into talking to them, and they were so very nice. And very polite also, now that I think of it. It was at this time, and another reminder from Claire that I had undergone this process many times before, that I thought to myself, "Well Tyler, perhaps these people aren't evil at all. Perhaps they have the potential to be wonderfully nice people." I have, since the trip, not pursued any friendly relationship with these people because that would be illogical, but that does not scratch out the fact that they were actually nice. I have decided, once again (until I forget), to try to be nice to even the people that I think to be the most vile. It was quite liberating and made me jovial.
Speaking of joviality (if that actually is a word) I find myself to be a very merry person. There is rarely a time when I am genuinely sad for a prolonged periods of time. Sure there are always small little spurts of sadness, but that's part of life. Actually probably the main cause of these spurts would be my brother. I have to admit, although he is quite amusing and I like having him as a brother, he has found himself very infatuated with... himself. He never thinks he is wrong, and always puts his own personal feelings in front of others. Due to this, he often makes fun of me or says I'm wrong or stupid, so it gets me sad. It makes me feel sort of inferior, but then I stop and think how happy I am all the time and how he is often sour, so I get sort of happy after that. When I ever find myself sad or worried or angry I force myself to become happy. And yes, it is force, I have to put a large amount of willpower into it. Due to the fact that it is sometimes forced, I used to think that perhaps this happiness is fake happiness. I can't say that I have ever found any solid proof against it, but I do think that I was wrong -- I think it is true happiness. If others can be good at sports, speaking, schoolwork, socialness, why can't I be talented at being jovial. Actually I consider my almost perpetual happiness to be probably my best talent. But there are times when I am sad or doubtful, and when I fail to force myself to be happy it is sort of bad. Actually, not to deceive anyone who would be bored enough to read this entire entry, I sometimes don't even try to force myself to be happy again. Sometimes it is neat to feel sadness or anxiety, you know? Just that normal teen feeling, I guess (but perhaps it's not teen, perhaps it's simply human.)
These gaps in happiness make me think not so happy things. (I know the logic is simply perplexing. [saracasm]) During the trip I started to think to myself, what if the friends that I thought were my friends were not actually friends, but just simply pretending to be my friends so that they could become the perfect enemies. Pretending to be my friends so that they could later deceive me, and any pain that they may cause would be amplified by the fact that I would feel betrayed by a person that I used to hold in my trust. The destruction of trust can be quite painful, actually I think that is the worst thing a friend can do it to you, and luckily, I am not overly familiar with this by any means. Reguardless of how silly it was, I began doubting that any of the people around me liked me. I have since stabalized, and think that at least the vast majority actually like me, but there is no way for me to know with any type of certainty.
I also told my roommates (in the illogical stupor of fatigue) that I was a potato -- one with many many eyes, and one big eye. I believe that that may have been probably one of the few things I said that night that had any semblance of truth. By calling myself a potato I was stating that I truly have no deeply embedded sexual desires. (To avoid confusion thought, I remind you that I am heterosexual.) Many guys (and girls) have the intense desire to engage in sexual pleasures, and if they did sort of symbolize extreme affection I would never engage in them in any type of frequency for the rest of my life because they would become animalistic. My main desire is to hug and love everyone (or at least a lot of people). I want to be friends to many and be able to embrace them and share myself with them without them thinking I wanted a "committed relationship." My big eye. I do tend to latch on to one certain person, and this person I want to hug even more and share even more - sort of like an uber friend. But I want to be able to do this with many other friends. I cannot. People would imply things that are not true. My potatoness is not a large concern of mine.
I do not know what I have written. I write this to perhaps read it over and arrange my thoughts being that I often forget and twist what I do think. It is for no one but me, but feel free to read if you so desire. That is my disclaimer.