sailing away.
Finished the whole thing this time. Enjoy. I'll title it later on. But for now we'll know it as Delusions in White
[one]
It's a noise running through my head,
the same corruption of electronic pulses
that drowned a man in Memphis,
and found a man incoherent in Baltimore.
Hiding from the sound that slides
into the folds and pulls away the memories
of swings on green grass with little girls,
and leaves the traces of putrid smells
and fleshy discoloration in the wake.
Throat dry and thoughts no longer my own,
speak to me from behind my eyes
buried deep within the chambers,
offering a sollace that I can never find
in a city without lights that fail to shine.
Walking forward, unaware of their placement,
shuffling while mumbling responses
to people surrounding me without presence.
Concentrating on refusing the offer
of a tranquility at cost.
Sometimes the rubies in the skies sparkle -
breathing ceases for a short time, body still.
Insects flutter past and land on the skin,
closed off from it all
sighs shake my body free of the touch.
Seeing colors rise off the objects
and at night I can see beauty in your vocals.
Steam creeps across the concrete gracefully,
a highlight to light the way to the futility,
lip to lip with an end I designed.
Choosen. The journey only confirmation
that I am capable of breathing.
Somethings are meant to be -
even when the dawn falls apart in the sky.
The colors standing up to me...
[02]
Paint crawls to the floor off the walls,
a rott outside the door exposes his chords,
belt worn around the bi,
tapped and taught -
covering the eye -
sliding off the toilet
onto the floor
pushing up against the door
whispering to the savage beast
"shusssh shusssh my child
"your outbursts upset the daffodils on the wall
"don't yell at me for my failings
"shusssh shusssh there is no silence for the aching
"stop your noise, i'm weeping without reason
"bringing me to my knees, love is not enough for me.
Abandoned rooms fill with filings of blue,
uniform and starched, a contrast to the images -
in the world, circling.
Their voices barking orders from corridor, down.
Needles entering my veins for tubes,
a table set up on wheels,
raised above the ground,
"saw me in half Houdini
packed into details of silver instrumentation.
They repeat words lucky and in time and agree,
but I am so sure of the opposite.
"excuse me, can i love you in exchange?
"I ache beneath bone and marrow
"beyond the reach of tears
"and I feel out of touch with it all.
'ssshhh, just breathe.
Sweetly. The colors she wears smell sweetly.
She spoke with - not to, through me.
[three]
White and sterile.
The smell of bleached clean -
teeth.
Jars of white,
cotton balls and cotton swabs.
Doctors and nurses,
wearing white, highlights.
Blurred.
Despite the activity,
there's no life.
Nurse hands me a cup of pills.
My gauzed arm intensely drawn,
red. One of two colors
in my head.
Holding both in my hands,
check under the tongue.
A more expensive overdose.
I want to break my arm
to use the splinter of bone
as a chisel
so I can make a window
to see the crude light.
Bring out more than
whites and reds
linens and bandages.
I couldn't hear what they tried to say,
not over the laughter.
[oo04]
Her hair was red in stripes,
black in the creases,
candy stripes for the cancer ward,
and she gave me an appetite.
From the back of the van to the room;
I've felt her love in my palms.
Beating faster and faster,
never slowing to the machine counts.
I know, I track the pulse in my head.
My eyes stay closed from wear,
but I can see her lips by my bed
reading the latest book,
She'll put two fingers on my wrist
every hour. A quick check
to verify my brain still carries a pulse.
We carry conversations between the walls
of my skull, and her kindness
is unforced. I know she
cares. And I want to wake up
to kiss her. Take her away from here.
Away from the white.
"...ssskkaypppe...
She looks up at me over the pages.
'what was that?
I try to lift my hand and move my lips,
but only air through my chords.
Her hand falls into mine
and the electrons race -
'i want to hear you speak.
- a connection is made.
"...nnaayyymm...
'isabel.
I twitch my hand in hers and fade.
[five]
In my sleep I've been repeating her name.
isabel.
It even sounds like compassion.
Can you hear the nuances that are similar?
like the rhyme and the spelling?
isabel.
I've tried to see her face,
but my lids only reveal a blur.
"isabel?
'yes?
"your name is beautiful.
'thank you.
"i want to open my eyes and see
"if it is a reflection of you.
'i wish you could.
"what do you mean?
'you're forever blind.
"...
'dear, you were crazy,
'pushed your fingers
'deep.
'pulled them free,
'screaming,
'the colors I see
Tears seep and crawl down my cheeks.
'they couldn't sedate you,
'not quick enough.
'I'm so sorry.
I tremble in the bed,
to afraid of my pain to attempt to move consciously.
She squeezes and I choke.
"...why did you stay?
'it's my job.
"i want to love you.
'i wouldn't object.
She leans in and kisses my hand,
dragging it across her lips and cheek.
I can't speak.
isabel.
[oo0006]
At night when isabel leaves,
a different nurse comes to sit by my side.
"Alone and Forsaken by fate and man.
'you're never alone.
"your presense doesn't mean companionship.
'the body should comfort you at least.
'but i can leave.
"please stay...
"the saddest song always has something sweet
"to say. and i'll wear it on my arm
"if it does not break.
'isabel told you of her love?
"yes, but i cannot see it.
'and you don't want to either,
'the corners of black,
'don't purify from forced tenderness.
'but you do not have to trust me
'my intentions are misguided
'by the reflection of a face in yours.
"who was he?
'a sad thought.
"will you protect me?
'only from a grasp thick like heating coils.
"you are the sweetest fruit
"from atop the highest limb
"of the tallest tree.
'or a person who doesn't want to clean
'the hole in your chest
'when it breaks.
Two hours we don't speak,
the creases of my mind flex and rot,
as synapses struggle to piece together
the cube before me.
A prisoner in my wounds.
"what's your name?
'who's face would you see if I told you?
'it wouldn't be mine.
"let me see your face then,
"i'll look with my hands
"and learn to feel the out your imperfections.
'would you call me beautiful?
"only if say your name.
She lifts my left hand to her lips,
'daphne.
I drag my fingers from one to the next,
tiny pillows for me to fit my own.
A tiny scar pulls at the left.
"beautiful.
It pulls higher in the face and I follow it.
Touch building a better face,
that sight would allow.
Colors fill in the rest.
And I hear them chirping.
[seven]
The turmoil in my ribs has settled down,
shuffling left foot, right foor, out the door.
Heading home on my own.
Daphne called a cab and folded my bills
so I can pay the driver.
Left foot, right foot, always moving forward.
He pulls in front of my room and lets me out,
helping me find the stairs before turning round.
Twenty minutes for two flights,
and I'm calling out to the walls of my room.
On the bed I push my palms into my sockets,
and remember the pain of resistance.
A new life to build.
Left foot, right foot, another block laid down.
Passing the night and I feel tugs on my wrists,
something slight and quick -
jerked.
Out of sleep.
By a burn -
on the arms -
dragged out.
Skin peeled back by revenge.
'daphne was always the innocent one.
'never liked it when i liked a man,
'but wouldn't show me how not to hurt him,
'jealousy wouldn't allow her.
'it's okay though, because this time,
'i'm taking away her choice.
Disoriented.
'you'll bleed, it'll hurt,
'but that's what happens when someone
'skins your veins.
'a heart in the blender
'is like suicide with a cheese grater.
Overloaded sensories.
'i'm sorry i won't be forgiven
'but sometimes the pain is how we show
'that we care.
isabel.
left foot, right foot, we all fall down.
[one]
It's a noise running through my head,
the same corruption of electronic pulses
that drowned a man in Memphis,
and found a man incoherent in Baltimore.
Hiding from the sound that slides
into the folds and pulls away the memories
of swings on green grass with little girls,
and leaves the traces of putrid smells
and fleshy discoloration in the wake.
Throat dry and thoughts no longer my own,
speak to me from behind my eyes
buried deep within the chambers,
offering a sollace that I can never find
in a city without lights that fail to shine.
Walking forward, unaware of their placement,
shuffling while mumbling responses
to people surrounding me without presence.
Concentrating on refusing the offer
of a tranquility at cost.
Sometimes the rubies in the skies sparkle -
breathing ceases for a short time, body still.
Insects flutter past and land on the skin,
closed off from it all
sighs shake my body free of the touch.
Seeing colors rise off the objects
and at night I can see beauty in your vocals.
Steam creeps across the concrete gracefully,
a highlight to light the way to the futility,
lip to lip with an end I designed.
Choosen. The journey only confirmation
that I am capable of breathing.
Somethings are meant to be -
even when the dawn falls apart in the sky.
The colors standing up to me...
[02]
Paint crawls to the floor off the walls,
a rott outside the door exposes his chords,
belt worn around the bi,
tapped and taught -
covering the eye -
sliding off the toilet
onto the floor
pushing up against the door
whispering to the savage beast
"shusssh shusssh my child
"your outbursts upset the daffodils on the wall
"don't yell at me for my failings
"shusssh shusssh there is no silence for the aching
"stop your noise, i'm weeping without reason
"bringing me to my knees, love is not enough for me.
Abandoned rooms fill with filings of blue,
uniform and starched, a contrast to the images -
in the world, circling.
Their voices barking orders from corridor, down.
Needles entering my veins for tubes,
a table set up on wheels,
raised above the ground,
"saw me in half Houdini
packed into details of silver instrumentation.
They repeat words lucky and in time and agree,
but I am so sure of the opposite.
"excuse me, can i love you in exchange?
"I ache beneath bone and marrow
"beyond the reach of tears
"and I feel out of touch with it all.
'ssshhh, just breathe.
Sweetly. The colors she wears smell sweetly.
She spoke with - not to, through me.
[three]
White and sterile.
The smell of bleached clean -
teeth.
Jars of white,
cotton balls and cotton swabs.
Doctors and nurses,
wearing white, highlights.
Blurred.
Despite the activity,
there's no life.
Nurse hands me a cup of pills.
My gauzed arm intensely drawn,
red. One of two colors
in my head.
Holding both in my hands,
check under the tongue.
A more expensive overdose.
I want to break my arm
to use the splinter of bone
as a chisel
so I can make a window
to see the crude light.
Bring out more than
whites and reds
linens and bandages.
I couldn't hear what they tried to say,
not over the laughter.
[oo04]
Her hair was red in stripes,
black in the creases,
candy stripes for the cancer ward,
and she gave me an appetite.
From the back of the van to the room;
I've felt her love in my palms.
Beating faster and faster,
never slowing to the machine counts.
I know, I track the pulse in my head.
My eyes stay closed from wear,
but I can see her lips by my bed
reading the latest book,
She'll put two fingers on my wrist
every hour. A quick check
to verify my brain still carries a pulse.
We carry conversations between the walls
of my skull, and her kindness
is unforced. I know she
cares. And I want to wake up
to kiss her. Take her away from here.
Away from the white.
"...ssskkaypppe...
She looks up at me over the pages.
'what was that?
I try to lift my hand and move my lips,
but only air through my chords.
Her hand falls into mine
and the electrons race -
'i want to hear you speak.
- a connection is made.
"...nnaayyymm...
'isabel.
I twitch my hand in hers and fade.
[five]
In my sleep I've been repeating her name.
isabel.
It even sounds like compassion.
Can you hear the nuances that are similar?
like the rhyme and the spelling?
isabel.
I've tried to see her face,
but my lids only reveal a blur.
"isabel?
'yes?
"your name is beautiful.
'thank you.
"i want to open my eyes and see
"if it is a reflection of you.
'i wish you could.
"what do you mean?
'you're forever blind.
"...
'dear, you were crazy,
'pushed your fingers
'deep.
'pulled them free,
'screaming,
'the colors I see
Tears seep and crawl down my cheeks.
'they couldn't sedate you,
'not quick enough.
'I'm so sorry.
I tremble in the bed,
to afraid of my pain to attempt to move consciously.
She squeezes and I choke.
"...why did you stay?
'it's my job.
"i want to love you.
'i wouldn't object.
She leans in and kisses my hand,
dragging it across her lips and cheek.
I can't speak.
isabel.
[oo0006]
At night when isabel leaves,
a different nurse comes to sit by my side.
"Alone and Forsaken by fate and man.
'you're never alone.
"your presense doesn't mean companionship.
'the body should comfort you at least.
'but i can leave.
"please stay...
"the saddest song always has something sweet
"to say. and i'll wear it on my arm
"if it does not break.
'isabel told you of her love?
"yes, but i cannot see it.
'and you don't want to either,
'the corners of black,
'don't purify from forced tenderness.
'but you do not have to trust me
'my intentions are misguided
'by the reflection of a face in yours.
"who was he?
'a sad thought.
"will you protect me?
'only from a grasp thick like heating coils.
"you are the sweetest fruit
"from atop the highest limb
"of the tallest tree.
'or a person who doesn't want to clean
'the hole in your chest
'when it breaks.
Two hours we don't speak,
the creases of my mind flex and rot,
as synapses struggle to piece together
the cube before me.
A prisoner in my wounds.
"what's your name?
'who's face would you see if I told you?
'it wouldn't be mine.
"let me see your face then,
"i'll look with my hands
"and learn to feel the out your imperfections.
'would you call me beautiful?
"only if say your name.
She lifts my left hand to her lips,
'daphne.
I drag my fingers from one to the next,
tiny pillows for me to fit my own.
A tiny scar pulls at the left.
"beautiful.
It pulls higher in the face and I follow it.
Touch building a better face,
that sight would allow.
Colors fill in the rest.
And I hear them chirping.
[seven]
The turmoil in my ribs has settled down,
shuffling left foot, right foor, out the door.
Heading home on my own.
Daphne called a cab and folded my bills
so I can pay the driver.
Left foot, right foot, always moving forward.
He pulls in front of my room and lets me out,
helping me find the stairs before turning round.
Twenty minutes for two flights,
and I'm calling out to the walls of my room.
On the bed I push my palms into my sockets,
and remember the pain of resistance.
A new life to build.
Left foot, right foot, another block laid down.
Passing the night and I feel tugs on my wrists,
something slight and quick -
jerked.
Out of sleep.
By a burn -
on the arms -
dragged out.
Skin peeled back by revenge.
'daphne was always the innocent one.
'never liked it when i liked a man,
'but wouldn't show me how not to hurt him,
'jealousy wouldn't allow her.
'it's okay though, because this time,
'i'm taking away her choice.
Disoriented.
'you'll bleed, it'll hurt,
'but that's what happens when someone
'skins your veins.
'a heart in the blender
'is like suicide with a cheese grater.
Overloaded sensories.
'i'm sorry i won't be forgiven
'but sometimes the pain is how we show
'that we care.
isabel.
left foot, right foot, we all fall down.