birthdays
ive never been a fan of my own birthday. i do enjoy making a big deal out of other people's birthdays, and i think i generally do a pretty good job of making sure my significant other and family and such has a good day, for what thats worth.
but my own has generally brought about lots of weird feelings, and lots of lack of sleep. im not sure why i get anxious about my birthday. i know that its particularly bad because i spend a lot of money around my birthday and justify it by saying it is my birthday, when really im just buying new stuff to eradicate bad emotions.
one particularly bad part of my birthday that has haunted me since childhood is the fact that my mother never remembered my birthday, and once i reminded her when it was, she never knew how old i was. that part really wasnt the bad part, the bad part was that my sister has had rough birthdays since my mother died because my mom would always call her at like 6am and sing happy birthday to her like 100 times in the phone. my sister always says that birthdays were the one thing that mom did right, but she never did mine right, not since i was about 6 and she baked my own TMNT cake for me.
its really the only time of year that i have bad feelings about her being gone. i dont mind july 5th, or mothers day, or christmas, or thanksgiving or anything, because she was gone for so long living 500 miles away for so many years that those things lost significance regarding my mothers role in the day a very long time ago.
another reason i dont like my birthday is because i generally dont like having that much attention on myself. ive never had people take me out for my birthday, ive never arranged a get together, and neither has anyone else, not even for my 21st.
for the last 9 years or so i have gone to the tigers game on my birthday and i rather enjoy that tradition. i believe i will keep that going for a long, long time.
last year i bought a cake and some pop and some plates and utensils and brought them up to studio and gave all of my friends i could find a piece of cake. that was fun, i enjoyed that, a lot actually.
it is amazing how many friends you have on your birthday. whether it is just because you are holding a cake, or because myspace or facebook sends out an update. i always get a lot of happy birthdays on my birthday, and i really do appreciate it. it makes me smile to think of old friends that i used to see daily but now just get wishes from online once a year.
i spend a lot of time thinking about my past on my birthday, which makes me happy and sad. sad that i am no longer where i was, and no longer on that projected path. i believe that had i known where i would be when i turned 23 when i turned 16 or 18, i wouldve just ended it then.
i had a lot of potential, i suppose i still do. but i have accomplished nothing, as ive posted about before. and that bothers me a lot.
i especially miss my friendships. i used to have dozens of extremely close friends, dozens of people that had laughed and cried with me, dozens of people that i thought the world of, and they thought the same of me, dozens of people that thought i was cooler than i really ever was.
i miss those people a lot
a tremendous amount, in fact
ive been pretty depressed lately. my normal tricks really arent doing much, and samantha is beginning to wonder if she is doing something wrong, which is causing my lack of performance, but shes not doing anything wrong..
nothing at all
but my own has generally brought about lots of weird feelings, and lots of lack of sleep. im not sure why i get anxious about my birthday. i know that its particularly bad because i spend a lot of money around my birthday and justify it by saying it is my birthday, when really im just buying new stuff to eradicate bad emotions.
one particularly bad part of my birthday that has haunted me since childhood is the fact that my mother never remembered my birthday, and once i reminded her when it was, she never knew how old i was. that part really wasnt the bad part, the bad part was that my sister has had rough birthdays since my mother died because my mom would always call her at like 6am and sing happy birthday to her like 100 times in the phone. my sister always says that birthdays were the one thing that mom did right, but she never did mine right, not since i was about 6 and she baked my own TMNT cake for me.
its really the only time of year that i have bad feelings about her being gone. i dont mind july 5th, or mothers day, or christmas, or thanksgiving or anything, because she was gone for so long living 500 miles away for so many years that those things lost significance regarding my mothers role in the day a very long time ago.
another reason i dont like my birthday is because i generally dont like having that much attention on myself. ive never had people take me out for my birthday, ive never arranged a get together, and neither has anyone else, not even for my 21st.
for the last 9 years or so i have gone to the tigers game on my birthday and i rather enjoy that tradition. i believe i will keep that going for a long, long time.
last year i bought a cake and some pop and some plates and utensils and brought them up to studio and gave all of my friends i could find a piece of cake. that was fun, i enjoyed that, a lot actually.
it is amazing how many friends you have on your birthday. whether it is just because you are holding a cake, or because myspace or facebook sends out an update. i always get a lot of happy birthdays on my birthday, and i really do appreciate it. it makes me smile to think of old friends that i used to see daily but now just get wishes from online once a year.
i spend a lot of time thinking about my past on my birthday, which makes me happy and sad. sad that i am no longer where i was, and no longer on that projected path. i believe that had i known where i would be when i turned 23 when i turned 16 or 18, i wouldve just ended it then.
i had a lot of potential, i suppose i still do. but i have accomplished nothing, as ive posted about before. and that bothers me a lot.
i especially miss my friendships. i used to have dozens of extremely close friends, dozens of people that had laughed and cried with me, dozens of people that i thought the world of, and they thought the same of me, dozens of people that thought i was cooler than i really ever was.
i miss those people a lot
a tremendous amount, in fact
ive been pretty depressed lately. my normal tricks really arent doing much, and samantha is beginning to wonder if she is doing something wrong, which is causing my lack of performance, but shes not doing anything wrong..
nothing at all