How do you know I'm mad? asked Alice
Collecting my 5 things fic, for posterity/connvience/I damn well feel like it.
Mostly humour, some angst, all SG-1.
The 4 Times Sam and Daniel Didn't Have Sex, and the 1 Time They Did
Warning: slightly adult, but only a little.
1. It was too hot. Sam can handle the heat-if she has too. But after spending a year on Abydos and a life time doing archaeological digs in deserts Daniel seems to thrive in it.
2. It was too cold. Damn shrinkage.
3. Jack beat him to it.
4. Jack beat her to it.
5. "What do you call this again?" asked Daniel, as he and Sam tried the alien delicacy that had been prepared in their honour. "It is called See'X pudding" said the Alien Ambassador. Sam choked on her mouthful. "We're having Sex?!" She managed to get out around the food in her mouth, with a minimum of spray-age. "Indeed. Is it not delicious?" He replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 Times Cassie wished she was an Earth Child
Spoilers for Rite of Passage
1.Holidays. It takes a few years before she understands the facts about things like Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and Valentine cards. As she gets older she learns how to go through the motions-but she never really understands them. They’re not her holidays.
2.Vaccinations. More specifically the 10 years of shots she gets all in one sitting. If she’d been born here most of those needles would have happened when she was a baby.
3. When Nirti comes for her, because her DNA is advanced or something. Things like that don’t happen to Earth kids.
4.The Tooth Fairy. Daniel tries to explain the concept to her and she stays up all night with her hand over her mouth, refusing to sleep. It takes Janet (and then Sam, who then calls Jack, who drives Teal’c over too) all day to talk her down. They explain about fairy tales and mythical creatures and the things parents tell their kids. They say all kids have a tooth fairy who take their teeth and it‘s nothing to worry about. Maybe on Earth, Cassie thinks. Such creatures were feared on Hanta. They stole children on her world.
5. Every time Cassie has to lie about where she’s from. Some of the most important, most interesting HUGEST things in her life happened on Hanta. She can’t tell her friends, or her boyfriend, and some day she’ll have to lie to her kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 Kids Jack Didn’t Like(w/swears!)
Spoilers for a couple episodes: Fragile Balance, Show and Tell , and for Buffy(yes, you read that right, I did a crossover, sort of. So ashamed right now)
1) Charlie, his son. Because he died, and sometimes Jack hates him for it.
2) Charlie, the Retu kid, after he got snaked with a Tokra. There's just something unsettling about that voice, the presence of a creature that's lived for centuries and a childs face. They never did play ball like Jack promised.
3)Mini Jack, his (possibly evil) clone. Especially after the little shit sent Carter lingerie for Christmas one year. The worst part is that she thinks it's funny. He is such a little bastard.
4)The Anointed One, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not that he watches that show or anything. It's just that everyone was over at Janet's place doing a Cassie 'extended family' thing and she made them all watch it. That Anointed Kid really is annoying, almost as annoying as Dawn was that first season she was on the show, but she turned out alright. Yep, Anointed One was just awful.
Not that he watches that show or anything.
5)Jack hates the larval Gouald in every Jaffa he's killed since this whole thing started. Because he knows they're just guys following orders, who have no option B, and if it weren't for the snake in their guts they'd still be alive and his hands would be a hell of a lot less bloody.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Five Seven reasons Daniel hasn't slept with Vala
spoilers for (in no particular order) Need, Broca Divide, Hathor, Past and Present, the Gamekeeper, every Sha're episode, every Osirus/Sarah episode.
1. The last women he slept with was the 'destroyer of worlds'.
2. The women before that was a suicidal princess who got him addicted to the sarcophagus.
3. The "woman" before that was Hathor.
4. The woman before that was a cavewoman.
5.The woman before that was his wife, Sha're, who ended up snaked, pregnant by another man and dead.
6. The woman before that was Sarah, who also ended up snaked.
7. Every woman that Daniel has ever loved, from his mother, to his wife, ended up worse for having had him in thier life. Daniel cares about Vala too much to put her through that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 reasons Teal’c is afraid of clowns
- After first coming to Earth and attempting to acclimate himself to Earth culture, Major Carter lent him her copy of Stephen Kings IT.
- After Mitchells first team movie night included a screening of Super Size Me.
- After Jack forced him to watch hours of the Simpson, including the episode with Bart's clown bed. Teal'c too, fears that if he sleeps, the clown will eat him.
-After Daniel Jackson tells Teal'c that clowns remind him of Gluk'achu, the ancient Jaffa spirit who causes male impotency.
-Teal'c trusts no man with feet that big.
~~~~~~~~~
The 5 times Vala was Possessed by June Cleaver
-It involved nostalgia weekend at Daniel's, a really old TV set, and a lightning strike.
-During the events of Momento Mori, while Athena tried to pry her inner most secrets from her mind with the memory device, Vala concentrated on the most inane, most insignificant thing she could think of on the spot - Leave It To Beaver. When the machine blew, thoughts of Leave It to Beaver were all that was left.
- During the events of Momento Mori, Saul, the diner owner, agreed to let her stay on one condition. Val had to help him create his life long dream of being Ward Cleaver. It mostly involved wearing heels and pearls at the same time, and sleeping in separate beds. Val didn't remember much of her life before, but she was pretty sure this wasn't the worst thing she'd ever been through.
- While rifling through some of Daniels artefacts, Vala comes across a case with a necklace inside. She doesn't bother looking at the alien warning, that she couldn't read anyway. If she had been able to read that it said (roughly translated as)"Beware those who would live in the past, especially pasts that never really existed" maybe she would have hesitated putting it on, then again maybe not.
- Ouija Boards really are bad juju.
~~~~~~~~~
The 5 Ba’als who ran away and joined the circus
Ba'al didn't know you shouldn't clone clones. By the time he realized that each generation of clone was a little more skewed then the last, a bunch of them had escaped. He recaptured most but 3 were unaccounted for. Years later he saw them on a televised program featuring Cirque de Soliel gymnasts. That day, Ba'al cursed his host body's Gumby like flexibility.
- In a plea bargain with Stargate Command, after his forces had been defeated, he agreed to (among other things) 100 hours of community service at children’s parties. Ba'al hoped that if he was wearing make up maybe no one would recognize him. That hope was destroyed when Gen. O'Neill showed up with a camera and a big smirk.
- One of the clones had just had enough: no dental, long hours and a high mortality rate. Screw it, he thought, I'm getting a job at McDonalds. It was just his luck that all new employees had to wear the costume and greet kids, while on their first day working there.
~~~~~~~~~
The 5 things that happened to Jonas Quinn When the Ori Came to His Planet
1. He died, instantly. The Ori decided to make a clear statement about what resistance would get you, and fired on the capitol city from orbit. Jonas never saw the ships that had darkened his skies.
2. He died, screaming. As the ships descended Jonas had run for the gate, hoping he could get through to Stargate Command in time to get help. Guards caught him mid address, and the recognized enough of it to know who he was calling. He was taken to a prior for interrogation. In the end he couldn't even remember his own name, but he never said a word that might betray the SGC. It was his final act of contrition to Dr. Jackson.
3.He died, as he lived. It was a nice enough eulogy the other resistance members thought. But Jonas Quinn was dead now, at peace. They still had to keep fighting.
4.He died, just days before they arrived. The stress of becoming the youngest Science Minister of Kelowna, a year with the SGC and another year trying to keep his people together was just too much. Jonas Quinn, dead of a heart attack at 33.
5. He died, in bed. After a lifetime of embracing Origin, as the Ori's first true convert, Jonas fully expected to achieve ascension. Instead, there was only the darkness of one whose soul has been burned away by beings older than life on his planet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The 5 times Love or Lust caught Teal’c off guard
1) When he saw his first Mothership. Apparently the love of a man for big machines transcends species.
2) After Vala dragged him out clubbing. He didn't know that the pills the friendly guy gave him ("the first one's free"), were Ecstacy. Teal'c spent the rest of the night in the infirmary telling everyone how much he loved them. Repeatedly and in detail.
3) While Samantha Carter's Cindy Loo pants downward slid
Method actor Teal'c's heart grew two sizes too big.
Jack in the corner dressed like a fig:
Should go to rehearsal, instead of rewatching the part with Spider Pig
Daniel, he stood and quoted the book
Of Dr. Suess's the Grinch, you know, you look.
T'was the SGC players favourite play
and SG-1's rendition would surely slay
the harsh words of critics and naysayers the same
the prize was theirs -if Hammond could only
remember his lines.
4) When Lt. Lust slammed the door into Teal'cs face. But only the first time, by the 37th loop he was kind of expecting it.
5)After his people were finally free. Teal'c looked at his team and was overcome. These people had taken him in-a stranger and an enemy. Fought and defeated Gods for him and his people. Only the birth of Teal'c son could eclipse this moment in Teal'c heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 ways Teal'c dated Cameron Mitchel
1) By asking Cam about Beta videos(versus VHS). His correct answer confirmed that he was at least thirty.
2)By telling Cam that Sodan cloaks only worked on 2 people at once if you held hands. It had worked on O'Neill as well, when he used the same line with the Tollan Phase devices.
3)By getting Cam to participate in a Jaffa rite of unity, or possibly it should be translated as civil union. Linguistic technicalities were more DanielJacksons area of expertise.
4)By covering Colonel Mitchel while he slept in candied nuts from P3X-479. By morning they were impossible to pry off without removing skin. The mission was cut short so he could go to the infirmary to have them surgerically removed. For weeks after Cam smelled vaguely almondy. He actually thought it was pretty funny. Teal'c still doesn't understand the appeal of practical jokes, and has vowed this will be his only one.
5) He invited him "fishing" as that was the code word SG-1 had been using for years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 things Shepherd will never tell his brother
Warning-liberal use of IMDB.com in this post.
Spoilers for the episode Dave was in.
1) John would tell him that he kind of looks like that guy from Blood Ties, Mike Celluci.
2) John would tell him on a good day he might pass for the guy who played Paceys brother on Dawsons Creek.
Not that he watched that show or anything.
3) John would tell him that he also looks like Dylan Shaw, from the Bold and The Beautiful-his ex-wife's indulgence, not his. Really.
4)John would tell him that he was kind of a jerk, through out both their entire lives.
5) John won't be telling Dave any of these things. Becasue as unpleasant as Dave is, he's pretty much the only family John has left and he loves him.
John won't be telling Dave that either.
Some of my favourite other people 5 things
The 5 times Jack was glad he wasn't on the team anymore
The 5 ways Shades of Grey could have gone wrong
Five reasons for the falling-out between Landry and Lam.
5 rejected storylines for Wormhole Xtreme
Mostly humour, some angst, all SG-1.
The 4 Times Sam and Daniel Didn't Have Sex, and the 1 Time They Did
Warning: slightly adult, but only a little.
1. It was too hot. Sam can handle the heat-if she has too. But after spending a year on Abydos and a life time doing archaeological digs in deserts Daniel seems to thrive in it.
2. It was too cold. Damn shrinkage.
3. Jack beat him to it.
4. Jack beat her to it.
5. "What do you call this again?" asked Daniel, as he and Sam tried the alien delicacy that had been prepared in their honour. "It is called See'X pudding" said the Alien Ambassador. Sam choked on her mouthful. "We're having Sex?!" She managed to get out around the food in her mouth, with a minimum of spray-age. "Indeed. Is it not delicious?" He replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 Times Cassie wished she was an Earth Child
Spoilers for Rite of Passage
1.Holidays. It takes a few years before she understands the facts about things like Santa, and the Easter Bunny, and Valentine cards. As she gets older she learns how to go through the motions-but she never really understands them. They’re not her holidays.
2.Vaccinations. More specifically the 10 years of shots she gets all in one sitting. If she’d been born here most of those needles would have happened when she was a baby.
3. When Nirti comes for her, because her DNA is advanced or something. Things like that don’t happen to Earth kids.
4.The Tooth Fairy. Daniel tries to explain the concept to her and she stays up all night with her hand over her mouth, refusing to sleep. It takes Janet (and then Sam, who then calls Jack, who drives Teal’c over too) all day to talk her down. They explain about fairy tales and mythical creatures and the things parents tell their kids. They say all kids have a tooth fairy who take their teeth and it‘s nothing to worry about. Maybe on Earth, Cassie thinks. Such creatures were feared on Hanta. They stole children on her world.
5. Every time Cassie has to lie about where she’s from. Some of the most important, most interesting HUGEST things in her life happened on Hanta. She can’t tell her friends, or her boyfriend, and some day she’ll have to lie to her kids.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 Kids Jack Didn’t Like(w/swears!)
Spoilers for a couple episodes: Fragile Balance, Show and Tell , and for Buffy(yes, you read that right, I did a crossover, sort of. So ashamed right now)
1) Charlie, his son. Because he died, and sometimes Jack hates him for it.
2) Charlie, the Retu kid, after he got snaked with a Tokra. There's just something unsettling about that voice, the presence of a creature that's lived for centuries and a childs face. They never did play ball like Jack promised.
3)Mini Jack, his (possibly evil) clone. Especially after the little shit sent Carter lingerie for Christmas one year. The worst part is that she thinks it's funny. He is such a little bastard.
4)The Anointed One, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Not that he watches that show or anything. It's just that everyone was over at Janet's place doing a Cassie 'extended family' thing and she made them all watch it. That Anointed Kid really is annoying, almost as annoying as Dawn was that first season she was on the show, but she turned out alright. Yep, Anointed One was just awful.
Not that he watches that show or anything.
5)Jack hates the larval Gouald in every Jaffa he's killed since this whole thing started. Because he knows they're just guys following orders, who have no option B, and if it weren't for the snake in their guts they'd still be alive and his hands would be a hell of a lot less bloody.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Five Seven reasons Daniel hasn't slept with Vala
spoilers for (in no particular order) Need, Broca Divide, Hathor, Past and Present, the Gamekeeper, every Sha're episode, every Osirus/Sarah episode.
1. The last women he slept with was the 'destroyer of worlds'.
2. The women before that was a suicidal princess who got him addicted to the sarcophagus.
3. The "woman" before that was Hathor.
4. The woman before that was a cavewoman.
5.The woman before that was his wife, Sha're, who ended up snaked, pregnant by another man and dead.
6. The woman before that was Sarah, who also ended up snaked.
7. Every woman that Daniel has ever loved, from his mother, to his wife, ended up worse for having had him in thier life. Daniel cares about Vala too much to put her through that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 reasons Teal’c is afraid of clowns
- After first coming to Earth and attempting to acclimate himself to Earth culture, Major Carter lent him her copy of Stephen Kings IT.
- After Mitchells first team movie night included a screening of Super Size Me.
- After Jack forced him to watch hours of the Simpson, including the episode with Bart's clown bed. Teal'c too, fears that if he sleeps, the clown will eat him.
-After Daniel Jackson tells Teal'c that clowns remind him of Gluk'achu, the ancient Jaffa spirit who causes male impotency.
-Teal'c trusts no man with feet that big.
~~~~~~~~~
The 5 times Vala was Possessed by June Cleaver
-It involved nostalgia weekend at Daniel's, a really old TV set, and a lightning strike.
-During the events of Momento Mori, while Athena tried to pry her inner most secrets from her mind with the memory device, Vala concentrated on the most inane, most insignificant thing she could think of on the spot - Leave It To Beaver. When the machine blew, thoughts of Leave It to Beaver were all that was left.
- During the events of Momento Mori, Saul, the diner owner, agreed to let her stay on one condition. Val had to help him create his life long dream of being Ward Cleaver. It mostly involved wearing heels and pearls at the same time, and sleeping in separate beds. Val didn't remember much of her life before, but she was pretty sure this wasn't the worst thing she'd ever been through.
- While rifling through some of Daniels artefacts, Vala comes across a case with a necklace inside. She doesn't bother looking at the alien warning, that she couldn't read anyway. If she had been able to read that it said (roughly translated as)"Beware those who would live in the past, especially pasts that never really existed" maybe she would have hesitated putting it on, then again maybe not.
- Ouija Boards really are bad juju.
~~~~~~~~~
The 5 Ba’als who ran away and joined the circus
Ba'al didn't know you shouldn't clone clones. By the time he realized that each generation of clone was a little more skewed then the last, a bunch of them had escaped. He recaptured most but 3 were unaccounted for. Years later he saw them on a televised program featuring Cirque de Soliel gymnasts. That day, Ba'al cursed his host body's Gumby like flexibility.
- In a plea bargain with Stargate Command, after his forces had been defeated, he agreed to (among other things) 100 hours of community service at children’s parties. Ba'al hoped that if he was wearing make up maybe no one would recognize him. That hope was destroyed when Gen. O'Neill showed up with a camera and a big smirk.
- One of the clones had just had enough: no dental, long hours and a high mortality rate. Screw it, he thought, I'm getting a job at McDonalds. It was just his luck that all new employees had to wear the costume and greet kids, while on their first day working there.
~~~~~~~~~
The 5 things that happened to Jonas Quinn When the Ori Came to His Planet
1. He died, instantly. The Ori decided to make a clear statement about what resistance would get you, and fired on the capitol city from orbit. Jonas never saw the ships that had darkened his skies.
2. He died, screaming. As the ships descended Jonas had run for the gate, hoping he could get through to Stargate Command in time to get help. Guards caught him mid address, and the recognized enough of it to know who he was calling. He was taken to a prior for interrogation. In the end he couldn't even remember his own name, but he never said a word that might betray the SGC. It was his final act of contrition to Dr. Jackson.
3.He died, as he lived. It was a nice enough eulogy the other resistance members thought. But Jonas Quinn was dead now, at peace. They still had to keep fighting.
4.He died, just days before they arrived. The stress of becoming the youngest Science Minister of Kelowna, a year with the SGC and another year trying to keep his people together was just too much. Jonas Quinn, dead of a heart attack at 33.
5. He died, in bed. After a lifetime of embracing Origin, as the Ori's first true convert, Jonas fully expected to achieve ascension. Instead, there was only the darkness of one whose soul has been burned away by beings older than life on his planet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The 5 times Love or Lust caught Teal’c off guard
1) When he saw his first Mothership. Apparently the love of a man for big machines transcends species.
2) After Vala dragged him out clubbing. He didn't know that the pills the friendly guy gave him ("the first one's free"), were Ecstacy. Teal'c spent the rest of the night in the infirmary telling everyone how much he loved them. Repeatedly and in detail.
3) While Samantha Carter's Cindy Loo pants downward slid
Method actor Teal'c's heart grew two sizes too big.
Jack in the corner dressed like a fig:
Should go to rehearsal, instead of rewatching the part with Spider Pig
Daniel, he stood and quoted the book
Of Dr. Suess's the Grinch, you know, you look.
T'was the SGC players favourite play
and SG-1's rendition would surely slay
the harsh words of critics and naysayers the same
the prize was theirs -if Hammond could only
remember his lines.
4) When Lt. Lust slammed the door into Teal'cs face. But only the first time, by the 37th loop he was kind of expecting it.
5)After his people were finally free. Teal'c looked at his team and was overcome. These people had taken him in-a stranger and an enemy. Fought and defeated Gods for him and his people. Only the birth of Teal'c son could eclipse this moment in Teal'c heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 ways Teal'c dated Cameron Mitchel
1) By asking Cam about Beta videos(versus VHS). His correct answer confirmed that he was at least thirty.
2)By telling Cam that Sodan cloaks only worked on 2 people at once if you held hands. It had worked on O'Neill as well, when he used the same line with the Tollan Phase devices.
3)By getting Cam to participate in a Jaffa rite of unity, or possibly it should be translated as civil union. Linguistic technicalities were more DanielJacksons area of expertise.
4)By covering Colonel Mitchel while he slept in candied nuts from P3X-479. By morning they were impossible to pry off without removing skin. The mission was cut short so he could go to the infirmary to have them surgerically removed. For weeks after Cam smelled vaguely almondy. He actually thought it was pretty funny. Teal'c still doesn't understand the appeal of practical jokes, and has vowed this will be his only one.
5) He invited him "fishing" as that was the code word SG-1 had been using for years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 5 things Shepherd will never tell his brother
Warning-liberal use of IMDB.com in this post.
Spoilers for the episode Dave was in.
1) John would tell him that he kind of looks like that guy from Blood Ties, Mike Celluci.
2) John would tell him on a good day he might pass for the guy who played Paceys brother on Dawsons Creek.
Not that he watched that show or anything.
3) John would tell him that he also looks like Dylan Shaw, from the Bold and The Beautiful-his ex-wife's indulgence, not his. Really.
4)John would tell him that he was kind of a jerk, through out both their entire lives.
5) John won't be telling Dave any of these things. Becasue as unpleasant as Dave is, he's pretty much the only family John has left and he loves him.
John won't be telling Dave that either.
Some of my favourite other people 5 things
The 5 times Jack was glad he wasn't on the team anymore
The 5 ways Shades of Grey could have gone wrong
Five reasons for the falling-out between Landry and Lam.
5 rejected storylines for Wormhole Xtreme