sooo
I'm turning 20 in a few hours...so im gonna list all my little triumphs from my teenage years, just to feel over them i guess
13- I don't think i successfully did anything this year except for being the least popular person ever...and I was in some pageant that I did really well in by non stop creepy smiling and bullshitting.
14- Learned how to take care of myself, make friends without being a wierdo, and grew tits. High school started off well for me, for the first time I wasn't a complete loser and I was completely secure and confident. I knew what I believed and simultaneously believed in myself, learning that living somewhere foreign didn't define me.
15- met my first love, found out how other people view the world.
16- found out what it was like to be completely wrapped up in one person, went to italy for the first time, joined weight watchers and learned what it was like to hate my body and be a normal teenage girl, started appearing on school news/local cable lol (really cool!), joined the track team and then started to like my body again cuz i learned if you work at it it can do all these cool things, took voice lessons, joined every club imaginable and became really well rounded.
17- fell out of love, got the lead in a school play, top 5 in guilderland gold...again with no luck, switched friend groups, felt more looked down upon but more self worth simultaneously than ever, lost my virginity, parting hard, betrayed my parents, other fucked up things happened and i wound up confused with only my girls to cling to. a whirlwind year but im thankful for every minute of it.
18-awesome year, possibly the best one yet. best summer ever--senior prom, graduation, making the grad video (props to dj and torie too) that looked awesome, getting over pills, a new adventure/party/whatever every night, parents let down their reign and became friends, starting college and owning the shit out of it, getting over living for someone else's approval and starting to live for my own needs, getting over more heartbreak but breaking through stronger, meeting g20.
19-officially being with my second and current great love of my life--and all the crazy ups and downs surrounding it, traveling europe, going to my first yankees game, realizing the importance of family, losing almost 20 pounds but still hating my body more than i did 20 pounds ago, learning the importance of money, hair color craziness, vegetarianism, and prolly the advent of a whole lot of other hippie habits that im sure are soon to come, a lot of reading, caring about film stuff and getting the best education possible, working a lot.
WHAT I HOPE 20 BRINGS
I know that being 20 will just make me another year older...technically another day older, but i hope it is the end of some things. a new shot at resolutions, if you will. i want the self loathing to end this year. i want to voice what i feel with no bullshit this year. i want to always strive for better, and more, and plan my time even better than i am now. i want to figure out the God stuff this year. I want to spend more time with my girlfriends this year, and with my family. I want a job i enjoy this summer, and the same for next year. i want to not give two shits about other people, and dress how and do what i want, and be content with the fact that i am impressing the shit out of myself. if i want to act, then im gonna goddamn do it. if i want to sing, or make websites, or make movies, or throw a silly hats party, or fingerpaint, im gonna fucking do it. i want to worry less and enjoy more. im not gonna worry about what my boyfriend is doing, what he thinks of my body, what he might really think of me or whether or not im a good enough girlfriend, about his past, and if ppl judge our past. if he's with me, he must like me for who i am rite? so why do i give a shit? I'm tired of worrying about money too. money just fucking ruins my life. working takes away my time and energy and for what? im not even half as frivolous as i used to be. maybe i dont need to spend 5 dollars on a sandwich everyday. given my other two meals will haven been cereal, i can still just buy some bread, broth, and fruit for the same price that will sustain me for a few days as opposed to once. why do i need to buy that magazine, or another thing of chapstick? im seriously going to become such a hippie, you watch, lol. i do need to get my hair did again, no lie, lol. yo like speaking of money, how is it that im gonna wind up spending all this money on my birthday? money for martini glasses and a dress i supposedly NEED for my birthday. so lol. then like money for booze and the train this weekend. oy ve, fuck you money. i need to come up with a plan to make more for less of my time. anyway. i just want to not worry this year about stuff. every lil thing, is gonna be alright. so my goals:
1) stop hating myself/believe i'm worth my blessings
2) stop worrying
3) continue healthy habits
4) more time with other ppl
5) less working, but more money
6) keep up on projects
7) be spiritual
8) listen more
13- I don't think i successfully did anything this year except for being the least popular person ever...and I was in some pageant that I did really well in by non stop creepy smiling and bullshitting.
14- Learned how to take care of myself, make friends without being a wierdo, and grew tits. High school started off well for me, for the first time I wasn't a complete loser and I was completely secure and confident. I knew what I believed and simultaneously believed in myself, learning that living somewhere foreign didn't define me.
15- met my first love, found out how other people view the world.
16- found out what it was like to be completely wrapped up in one person, went to italy for the first time, joined weight watchers and learned what it was like to hate my body and be a normal teenage girl, started appearing on school news/local cable lol (really cool!), joined the track team and then started to like my body again cuz i learned if you work at it it can do all these cool things, took voice lessons, joined every club imaginable and became really well rounded.
17- fell out of love, got the lead in a school play, top 5 in guilderland gold...again with no luck, switched friend groups, felt more looked down upon but more self worth simultaneously than ever, lost my virginity, parting hard, betrayed my parents, other fucked up things happened and i wound up confused with only my girls to cling to. a whirlwind year but im thankful for every minute of it.
18-awesome year, possibly the best one yet. best summer ever--senior prom, graduation, making the grad video (props to dj and torie too) that looked awesome, getting over pills, a new adventure/party/whatever every night, parents let down their reign and became friends, starting college and owning the shit out of it, getting over living for someone else's approval and starting to live for my own needs, getting over more heartbreak but breaking through stronger, meeting g20.
19-officially being with my second and current great love of my life--and all the crazy ups and downs surrounding it, traveling europe, going to my first yankees game, realizing the importance of family, losing almost 20 pounds but still hating my body more than i did 20 pounds ago, learning the importance of money, hair color craziness, vegetarianism, and prolly the advent of a whole lot of other hippie habits that im sure are soon to come, a lot of reading, caring about film stuff and getting the best education possible, working a lot.
WHAT I HOPE 20 BRINGS
I know that being 20 will just make me another year older...technically another day older, but i hope it is the end of some things. a new shot at resolutions, if you will. i want the self loathing to end this year. i want to voice what i feel with no bullshit this year. i want to always strive for better, and more, and plan my time even better than i am now. i want to figure out the God stuff this year. I want to spend more time with my girlfriends this year, and with my family. I want a job i enjoy this summer, and the same for next year. i want to not give two shits about other people, and dress how and do what i want, and be content with the fact that i am impressing the shit out of myself. if i want to act, then im gonna goddamn do it. if i want to sing, or make websites, or make movies, or throw a silly hats party, or fingerpaint, im gonna fucking do it. i want to worry less and enjoy more. im not gonna worry about what my boyfriend is doing, what he thinks of my body, what he might really think of me or whether or not im a good enough girlfriend, about his past, and if ppl judge our past. if he's with me, he must like me for who i am rite? so why do i give a shit? I'm tired of worrying about money too. money just fucking ruins my life. working takes away my time and energy and for what? im not even half as frivolous as i used to be. maybe i dont need to spend 5 dollars on a sandwich everyday. given my other two meals will haven been cereal, i can still just buy some bread, broth, and fruit for the same price that will sustain me for a few days as opposed to once. why do i need to buy that magazine, or another thing of chapstick? im seriously going to become such a hippie, you watch, lol. i do need to get my hair did again, no lie, lol. yo like speaking of money, how is it that im gonna wind up spending all this money on my birthday? money for martini glasses and a dress i supposedly NEED for my birthday. so lol. then like money for booze and the train this weekend. oy ve, fuck you money. i need to come up with a plan to make more for less of my time. anyway. i just want to not worry this year about stuff. every lil thing, is gonna be alright. so my goals:
1) stop hating myself/believe i'm worth my blessings
2) stop worrying
3) continue healthy habits
4) more time with other ppl
5) less working, but more money
6) keep up on projects
7) be spiritual
8) listen more