i hate subject boxes...ive said this before
this week was a good one, and it looks like the good times shall continue.
despite all of this, im really fucking fed up with people i put myself out there for and its never enough for them. i feel emotionally connected to no one besides debra. i feel alone. i think part of it is me being more dishonest than ever. i keep secrets here and there, but nothing quite like this. i HAVE touched on this, but lately im ashamed of what im thinking. lately my thoughts are getting so morbid they scare me. im actually scared of what my mind cooks up, these thoughts that taunt me day in and day out. i think im depressed, but here's the kicker--i have soooo much to be happy about, so wtf is up with all this darkness? i know i talk about this shit so much, but it gets worse every fucking day to the point where im scared to do normal things and my heart starts beating really fast and then i get even more panicked. my mom will say its a passing phase, my dad will blame demons, my sister will try to relate but fail miserably, ian will tell me im overreacting/being dramatic and im silly/stupid for these feelings, jordan will tell me about how she had this happen to her and whip out her giant medical journal and diagnose me with about 50 different things, kristen wont give a shit because apparently we're barely friends anymore (dont ask me why the fuck that is cuz its lost on me), and my emerson friends will refer me to all of their psychiatrists and sell me pills on the side. this is why i try not to talk about this shit, yet it preoccupies a lot of my thoughts--wtf is wrong with me? i feel like ive gone to the doctor way too much to ask yet again, so i guess i just hope the answer i would get from mom if i wasnt ashamed to tell her of my craziness is right, and this passes. it could be europe anxiety, which makes me more anxious to get the FUCK out of here. im tired of this monotonous, dissapointing summer. there i go bitching when GREAT things have happened to me. i need to be more grateful. i just want to be less scared, and finally enjoy things without imagining them leading to my sudden death...or even having thoughts that i want to die because im scared of the future, and failing in it. thats awful right. its weird to, because whenever i start to have fun, i get these stomach aches, like my body isnt allowing me to have it. weird shit, shit that needs to stop! im making this public, because this is my deal lately, and i figure my friends deserve to know whats going on. there it is.
despite all of this, im really fucking fed up with people i put myself out there for and its never enough for them. i feel emotionally connected to no one besides debra. i feel alone. i think part of it is me being more dishonest than ever. i keep secrets here and there, but nothing quite like this. i HAVE touched on this, but lately im ashamed of what im thinking. lately my thoughts are getting so morbid they scare me. im actually scared of what my mind cooks up, these thoughts that taunt me day in and day out. i think im depressed, but here's the kicker--i have soooo much to be happy about, so wtf is up with all this darkness? i know i talk about this shit so much, but it gets worse every fucking day to the point where im scared to do normal things and my heart starts beating really fast and then i get even more panicked. my mom will say its a passing phase, my dad will blame demons, my sister will try to relate but fail miserably, ian will tell me im overreacting/being dramatic and im silly/stupid for these feelings, jordan will tell me about how she had this happen to her and whip out her giant medical journal and diagnose me with about 50 different things, kristen wont give a shit because apparently we're barely friends anymore (dont ask me why the fuck that is cuz its lost on me), and my emerson friends will refer me to all of their psychiatrists and sell me pills on the side. this is why i try not to talk about this shit, yet it preoccupies a lot of my thoughts--wtf is wrong with me? i feel like ive gone to the doctor way too much to ask yet again, so i guess i just hope the answer i would get from mom if i wasnt ashamed to tell her of my craziness is right, and this passes. it could be europe anxiety, which makes me more anxious to get the FUCK out of here. im tired of this monotonous, dissapointing summer. there i go bitching when GREAT things have happened to me. i need to be more grateful. i just want to be less scared, and finally enjoy things without imagining them leading to my sudden death...or even having thoughts that i want to die because im scared of the future, and failing in it. thats awful right. its weird to, because whenever i start to have fun, i get these stomach aches, like my body isnt allowing me to have it. weird shit, shit that needs to stop! im making this public, because this is my deal lately, and i figure my friends deserve to know whats going on. there it is.