Shitty year? Happy year? Its all in how you look at it.
In other words, buck the fuck up.^^
I feel like I never really write anything, and I guess that's because I never really feel like I have anything of importance to say. Also I don't feel like anyone really cares about it. Most of the time I feel so isolated from everyone around me. I try not to reach out to those around me anymore because they never reach back and it fucking hurts. The people I care about don't really care much about me, so I hate caring. They tell me I'm a good friend and all I really want to tell them is how lucky they are that I give a damn about them at all.
Now I see them write and I read about how much their lives suck and I feel really truly blessed. My year has been so horrible....I've been practically confined to my bed because I haven't had the strength to move, I've had an mri and an eeg, had to spend two nights at the hospital and no one still knows for certain what is wrong with me, and it really is scaring the fuck out of me, my boyfriend of more than a year, the boy that I love more than anything is going to move across the country and I have no clue whether to go or stay or what the hell I want to do with my life, or even what I CAN do with my life at this point, depending on my health....and yet I am happier than all of these people. So many times when I speak to them, they're upset about things that don't even matter, or problems that they made themselves, and I just want to tell them how damn lucky they are. Usually, though, I don't see them at all. I guess I can say that this year, I really learned who my true friends are. The ones who stuck with me when I was sick and stuck at home, or who would come to see me even though I couldn't drive somewhere. I know I am truly blessed to have friends like this, people like Rachel and Karen, who I only met this year but who have made such an impact on my life already.
And Brian. I would not have survived this year without Brian. He is my day to day support, always there for me, always taking care of me, and always, ALWAYS making sure I know how very much he loves me. I can't express how great the depth of my feelings are for him. I don't know what I will do when he leaves this summer. The decision I have in front of me is so difficult and despite all the lists of pros and cons I am still no closer to a decision. But whatever happens, I know it can't end badly, because I feel so at home with him and his family. Everyone probably thinks that's stupid, but no one elses opinions matter but his and mine.
This year has been so hard, and it continues to be. I can't drive for another half a month at least, and then maybe another three. I'm going to Yale Hospital in another five days for a consultation. I'm going to have to make an appointment to stay there for a day or two where the doctors will put me in a room and attempt to induce a seizure. After that, it may be another three months of no driving, another three months of hell at home with nothing to do. But after writing this, I've realized that what has seemed like hell really hasn't been that bad. It's helped me to get a new perspective on this whole happiness thing. Maybe this perspective will help me to see the future in a whole new light. Maybe not. Maybe I'll be in hell the entire time. But just possibly this time, I'll know better when the people I think are my friends ignore me, and I'll be the better and stronger person and be able to push past the hurt. I hope so. I really do hope so.
To those that have been there, thank you.
I feel like I never really write anything, and I guess that's because I never really feel like I have anything of importance to say. Also I don't feel like anyone really cares about it. Most of the time I feel so isolated from everyone around me. I try not to reach out to those around me anymore because they never reach back and it fucking hurts. The people I care about don't really care much about me, so I hate caring. They tell me I'm a good friend and all I really want to tell them is how lucky they are that I give a damn about them at all.
Now I see them write and I read about how much their lives suck and I feel really truly blessed. My year has been so horrible....I've been practically confined to my bed because I haven't had the strength to move, I've had an mri and an eeg, had to spend two nights at the hospital and no one still knows for certain what is wrong with me, and it really is scaring the fuck out of me, my boyfriend of more than a year, the boy that I love more than anything is going to move across the country and I have no clue whether to go or stay or what the hell I want to do with my life, or even what I CAN do with my life at this point, depending on my health....and yet I am happier than all of these people. So many times when I speak to them, they're upset about things that don't even matter, or problems that they made themselves, and I just want to tell them how damn lucky they are. Usually, though, I don't see them at all. I guess I can say that this year, I really learned who my true friends are. The ones who stuck with me when I was sick and stuck at home, or who would come to see me even though I couldn't drive somewhere. I know I am truly blessed to have friends like this, people like Rachel and Karen, who I only met this year but who have made such an impact on my life already.
And Brian. I would not have survived this year without Brian. He is my day to day support, always there for me, always taking care of me, and always, ALWAYS making sure I know how very much he loves me. I can't express how great the depth of my feelings are for him. I don't know what I will do when he leaves this summer. The decision I have in front of me is so difficult and despite all the lists of pros and cons I am still no closer to a decision. But whatever happens, I know it can't end badly, because I feel so at home with him and his family. Everyone probably thinks that's stupid, but no one elses opinions matter but his and mine.
This year has been so hard, and it continues to be. I can't drive for another half a month at least, and then maybe another three. I'm going to Yale Hospital in another five days for a consultation. I'm going to have to make an appointment to stay there for a day or two where the doctors will put me in a room and attempt to induce a seizure. After that, it may be another three months of no driving, another three months of hell at home with nothing to do. But after writing this, I've realized that what has seemed like hell really hasn't been that bad. It's helped me to get a new perspective on this whole happiness thing. Maybe this perspective will help me to see the future in a whole new light. Maybe not. Maybe I'll be in hell the entire time. But just possibly this time, I'll know better when the people I think are my friends ignore me, and I'll be the better and stronger person and be able to push past the hurt. I hope so. I really do hope so.
To those that have been there, thank you.