Fic: Courtship Rituals Pt. 3
Fandoms: Buffyverse and NCIS
Pairing Spike/Xander, Tony/Gibbs
Rating: Teen+ (dirty words, sexual situations)
Warnings: Potty mouth
Notes: Written for the Fall of S/X, not so beta'd. While it's a crossover, knowledge of NCIS isn't necessary to enjoy the fic.
Go back to Coursthip Rituals Pt. 1
Go to Courtship Rituals Index
Courtship Rituals Pt. 3
"Faith's gonna be in LA by morning. She's gonna have about 50 slayers there within 24 hours. She's also gonna make Angel call Buffy straight out and tell her everything that's going on. Kind of skip out on Giles altogether. Faith is gonna tell Giles what's going on. Giles is going to probably break his glasses, drink some tea, and try to kick my butt when he figures it out." Xander gave his best puppy dog eyes to Spike. "You'll protect me from mean ol' Watcher wrath, won't you?"
Spike snorted, wrapped a towel around his hips, and sat on the bed. "I had him right in my bloody fingers, Harris."
Xander sighed and dropped onto the bed next to him. "Spike. . . ."
"No! He was in my hands. A few days and. . . ." Spike twisted his fingers definitively.
Xander nudged Spike with his elbow. "And Hostile 17 would be on their radar again. You know that."
Spike sneered. "Don't care, eh? They can just raise the little tit again."
"Well I do care because they need to keep their grubby mitts off of you." Xander frowned. "Wait. What? Raise?"
"You were there in the secret base. You know." Spike flung a hand in the general direction of the setting sun. Toward California. His towel slipped a bit, revealing a lot more of those pretty abs.
Xander forced himself to look at Spike's face. "Uh, I was in a room doing a spell the whole time. Remember?"
"Adam killed Angelman and Walsh. Had them done up like clockwork dolls with tubes and such running through their bodies. They were stitched up and mechanical. Might've been a cross between a machine and a zombie or some sort of whatnot. Frankenstein's Monster made his own little Frankenstein's monsters." Spike shrugged his shoulders, almost turning them inward in a way that always made Xander want to hug the girls when they did it. "Disgusting and perverse, it was. Wrong. Like Adam hisself. Wolfram and Hart's lawyers dug 'round a bit. Found the place where the government was holding that chaos bloke of Rupert's. Ethan Rayne. The Initiative had Rayne bring Angelman back. Walsh was too far gone or too out of control and Angelman knew enough of what she was doing to duplicate her work if they wanted it. They gave him a new identity, gave him a posh job in the Navy. Left me with that bit of hardware in me head."
"Wait. Wait. Ethan Rayne resurrected this guy? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Yeah."
"No way. He'd never do it, for one, cause he's not that dumb, and for two, you need the Urn of Osiris to do it right and Willow got it from this Shirley MacClaine clone who had it in her attic for a decade. Willow still had it until Sunnydale went poof and now it's at the bottom of the crater."
Spike twisted and glared at Xander, fangs flashing. "I was in the jail, boy. I smelled Angelman."
"So whatever's in that jail's a damned good copy." Xander yanked his cellphone out of his pocket and pressed the speed dial for Giles. "And Ethan's been using it for years."
"It's human," Spike said. "Vampire nose, mate."
"Xander?" Giles said in his ear. "I hear Spike. Is there a problem?"
"Yeah, sorry to bother you, Giles." Xander flapped a hand in Spike's face to shut him up. The expression on Spike's face was kind of like a bulldog that got unexpectedly smacked on the nose with a fish. "Spike just informed me that the guy in jail, Angelman, was killed by Adam."
"Then who is in the jail cell?"
"Spike says the lawyers think Ethan Rayne resurrected him for the Initiative, be we all know how that isn't the way it happened."
There was silence on Giles' end of the phone. Well, probably the sounds of glasses polishing, but Xander couldn't hear it over the sound of Spike glaring in his face. It was way sexy. Xander licked his lips and curled his hand around the back of Spike's neck so he could rhythmically run his fingers through the short hair there. It was miraculously ungelled and soft. He could get used to this. "Spike thinks Ethan raised him because he smells just like Angelman."
"No," Giles eventually stated flatly. "Ethan wouldn't raise the dead. He wouldn't risk himself for it no matter what the inducement. I suspect he managed a golem or, if he had the materials available, an homunculus. Such a creature could have the memories of whomever Ethan fashioned it after and would appear human enough to fool a vampire. At least until Spike bit into it. Ethan could cause no end of trouble with an homunculus. Quite less with a golem. Its capacity to pass itself off as an individual is rather diminished."
The pinched, British, snotty, ticked off look was in the process of shifting off of Spike's face. Xander couldn't really place what was coming on in its place. Contemplative? Like one of those philosophical people with anger issues that think they know everything?
"Xander?" Giles said.
Xander focused himself back on the conversation. "So this thing is either a golem or a homunculus. Could it be anything else? Some kind of demon that Ethan bribed?"
"Hm. There may be a few species he could sway to such a purpose."
"How do we find out?"
"If it's an homunculus, its hair will burn with black flame as the thing has no true life. A golem's hair will turn to ash, as normal; however, it won't know how to deal with situations it hasn't been taught to handle. Expose it to something new."
"Like jail?"
"Precisely."
"I think we can rule out golem." Xander flopped onto his back, his eye half closing in thought. "That leaves the homunculus or a demon. It shouldn't be a problem to get to it. Spike broke in pretty easy the other night. We'll just do it again tonight."
Spike twisted himself to curve a bit over Xander, propped himself up on a hand, and licked his lips. Xander watched the tongue trace its way across those lips for a few seconds before forcing his attention back to Giles.
"If it's a demon," Giles began.
"Relax, G-man." Xander grinned. "If it's a demon, it'll give itself up in some way. They always do."
"'S not a demon," Spike said. He relaxed, half sprawling on top of Xander. "He was terrified of me the way a human is. Thought it was Angelman."
"Huh. Spike said---"
"I heard. Test the homunculus theory. It wouldn't be that difficult for Ethan to create one under the guise of raising the dead. Ring me when you've got information. I'll do some research on my end to see what that bastard is after."
Xander nodded. Even though Giles couldn't see him, it was the thought that counted. "Yeah. I'll have to call Riley up or something. See if we can figure out what Ethan was doing to screw with the Navy."
Spike's eyes unfocused. "We rest; a dream has power to poison sleep. We rise; one wandering thought pollutes the day. We feel, conceive, or reason; laugh or weep, Embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away; It is the same: for, be it joy or sorrow, The path of its departure still is free. Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow. Nought may endure but mutability!" Yellow eyes focused on Xander's face.
Xander smiled, somewhat idiotically no doubt. "Whatever that was, pretty."
"Shelley," Spike said. "Should just kill it. Not like killing the real thing, but it'll do."
"You can't kill it, Spike," Xander said. His voice was all soft and mushy, like Willow's whenever she talked of Tara.
"From Frankenstein," Giles added in his ear. "I don't see why Spike can't kill it. It has the same weaknesses as a human. It leaves no body, simply a bit of oily residue when it's been finished off."
"Because the government has it locked up in a jail cell so they can put it on trial," Xander told both of them patiently. "They might figure out Spike had something to do with it and hunt his pretty, bleached ass down."
Giles hummed his good point there, but I hate to concede hum.
Spike looked affronted. "Everyone thinks I'm dead."
Xander rolled his eye. "Right. Trust the government? No way, Jose. I'm sure they think you're unalive and unliving it up in LA."
Giles cleared his throat, loudly. "What do you suggest we do with it? Allow it to continue to wreak Ethan Rayne's havoc on the United States' military?"
Spike must have caught that because he suddenly looked absurdly pleased as only the idea of havoc wreaking on the military can please Spike.
Xander shook his head as much as possible while lying on his back with part of a vampire covering him. "Like it can do much havoc wreaking from jail. It tried to sell secrets or something. They're sending it to the big house. Let the military have their whole Law and Order episode, then send it to their brig thing, and then it can stay there."
Spike eased his mouth close enough to the phone to be heard clearly. "I say we get the bloody lawyers back and let them get the poor bugger off the charges. Not like it ought to be subject to human law, is it? Not human."
"It did commit the crimes," Giles stated flatly. "It's best to keep the thing contained until we can fully understand what we're dealing with. Besides, if it is Rayne's homunculus, it will have all of Angelman's knowledge intact. I'm certain you wouldn't want it running around loose, would you?"
Spike's eyes turned yellow.
"No, we wouldn't want that. Can't say I want the military in possession of the thing, either." Xander patted Spike's shoulder, hoping he wouldn't get bit for his troubles. Or maybe he would get bit, in a good, hickey kind of way. "We'll let them do the trial thing and send it to prison. Then we'll stage an escape for it after enough time has passed to lull them into a sense of security. We'll figure out what to do with it after that when we figure out what it is and what Ethan's been up to with it. Maybe let Spike get rid of it for us. How does that grab you?"
"By the short'n curlies, pet," Spike said. "I'm in."
"Hm. I suppose that would be the method of dealing with the creature that would arouse the least suspicion." Giles was probably chewing on the ear piece of his glasses. "I'll see what can be done from this end, of course, but I don't hold much hope without more observation of the creature in question. I'll have Dawn send you the particulars on homunculi when she gets in."
"Thanks, G-Man."
"Do stay out of trouble."
"Wouldn't dream of it." Xander thumbed the off button and grinned up at Spike. "I love it when a plan comes together."
Spike rolled his eyes. "The plan hasn't come together, pet. The dolly still sitting in jail, isn't it?"
"But I've got you by the short and curlies, now."
Spike's eyes narrowed.
Xander grinned. "You said I did, remember?"
"Whelp." The corner of Spike's fake sneer of disdain twitched.
Xander' affected a totally fake pout. "Oh c'mon. My face is like a poem. Dru said. You like poetry. It's fate, destiny, karma, in vino veritas. Take your pick."
Spike's eyebrow arched and he looked faintly amused. "Still say I should go kill it."
"Naw. We'll sneak in, burn some of its hair and figure out what kind of slimy thing of the week it is. No killing of the magical doojobby."
"Fine." And that didn't come out at all like a four year old getting told he wasn't getting a pony for Christmas.
Xander patted Spike's shoulder. "It'll be okay. We'll figure this thing out and head off to LA."
Spike stuck his bottom lip out. "Don't have to like it."
Xander put on his best serious face and hoped Spike wouldn't see the inner Snoopy dance of joy. "Don't expect you to. Just expect you to show up at LA, kick some evil lawyer ass, then go out and be the Big Bad when you're done. No vamp kamikaze runs."
"I don't do kamikaze, boy." Spike sneered, lip and all.
"Coolness. Hey, when this is done, wanna go out somewhere? Do some music or something? There's this Sex Pistols tribute band that I heard was supposed to be pretty good, not like the real thing, but not bad. They're based in LA, but they're doing stuff all over California. We could catch up with them somewhere, check it out. You know, find out if they're---"
"Oi!"
"Uh, yeah?" Xander blinked, his hands curling in on themselves. He hoped he didn't cut his sweaty palms open with his nails like he did when he asked Cordy out. She might be a shark in high school waters, but Spike would always be the Great White, with bleach and the blue eyes, and…. Well, Spike would smell the blood and that would be bad because he'd know Xander wasn't cool at all.
"Breathe, pet."
"Breathing just fine."
"We'll go. Check these blokes out, see if they're doing right by Sid and the boys."
Xander beamed, like an airport searchlight beam. If he beamed any broader, his lips wouldn't fit on his face anymore. "Great! We'll make sure that---
Spike's hand clamped over his mouth. "Someone at the door."
Someone pounded on the door. "Mr. Rupert Giles! Federal agents. NCIS. We'd like to have a word with you."
Xander's eye bugged out. Rupert Giles?
Spike glared down at Xander. "Picked up a little fan club, did you?"
"Mr. Giles! We know you're in there."
Spike vamped out in Xander's face. "I'll consider it room service."
Xander rolled his eye. "Right."
"Mr. Giles, open up!"
Spike humaned in. He prodded Xander in the gut none too gently. "'s for you."
Xander sighed and heaved himself up. "I'm coming! Keep your pants on!"
Spike rolled onto his side and lazily watched Xander cross to the door. Damned vamp made no move to swap that itty bitty hotel towel for some clothes, like a nice muumuu to keep those busy bodies from seeing what was now rightfully Xander's, or would be as soon as the vamp-wooing was a bit further underway. He threw Spike a one fingered salute over his shoulder and opened the door.
Two men stood in the hallway like a couple of professional buddy cop movie actors. Xander frowned.
"Well, well," said taller buddy cop. DiNozzo, according to his NCIS dossier. Xander gave a mental Beavis and Butthead giggle. He could use a word like dossier correctly in a sentence! Anyway, DiNozzo was the pretty boy in the buddy cop flick. He peered over Xander's shoulder at Spike. Both of his eyebrows went up. "If it isn't Mr. Giles and Mr. Giles. Looking a little incestuous there."
The older guy, Gibbs, who could have played the pretty boy a few years ago, so probably did the I'm too old for this shit bad ass cop thing, managed not to smirk. "Spike and Harris."
"You told them my name? After I eat them, I going to eat you!"
Xander looked back just long enough to see Spike's annoyed human face, though his eyes were a bit yellow and teeth were getting a little pointy. "I didn't tell them your name."
"Eat?" Gibb's eyebrows went up.
"Hey," DiNozzo put in, "don't invite us to your love fest."
Xander leaned against the doorframe. "I didn't. Not big on the invite thing. In fact, you're completely disinvited."
"We have questions," Gibbs said. He looked past Xander, at Spike. "Get dressed. You're coming to NCIS."
Xander arched both eyebrows, wishing, once again, he could do the single eyebrow archy thing that Spike always managed to do just to annoy him. "You got a warrant?"
Gibbs kept his bland poker face. DiNozzo flinched minutely.
Xander grinned. "Then you can be all standy in the hallway and we can be all ignorey in here."
"No they can't!" Spike was pressed against Xander's back an instant later. "Go away."
"Sounds like a plan," Xander said and swung the door shut.
Gibbs stuck his foot in the door. "I don't think so."
"Get rid of them, Harris," Spike hissed in his ear, sending goosebumps down his neck until he got all nippley, "or the take-away I'm expecting won't come from Varshall's."
"Varshall's?" DiNozzo shouldered the door wider, pushing his way in farther. "Never heard of that particular establishment."
"Not likely to deal with scrum like you, eh, mate." The trademarked sneer carried through Spike's voice clearly.
Demon bar, then. Xander crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?"
"We have a few questions," DiNozzo said. "And you're going to be kind enough to answer them."
"Course you do," Spike said. "You bloody tits can't do anything on your own. Your arse is that thing you sit on."
Gibbs' eyes tightened and his lips thinned. DiNozzo smirked.
"C'mon, Spike, let 'em do their thing and they'll go away."
"Bloody useless twat." Spike poked him in the ribs, to make it clear who was the twat in the scenario. "You bollix this up and---" Spike's hands made their way around either side of Xander's neck to make violent wrenching motions in front of his face. This had the net effect of putting Spike's arms on Xander's shoulders in a nice, modified hug.
Xander smiled. "Aww, I bet you say that to all the Scoobies."
"Twat." This was said with a great deal of affection.
"Hey, look at it this way, they totally proved that they're really good at what they do."
Spike leaned into him, hands dangling comfortably at the wrists. "They haven't proved anything but that you've the brains of a rock." More sneering was no doubt looming over Xander's shoulder. "A kitten could've figured you out, boy."
"Hey!" Gibbs snapped.
Xander frowned at him. "Do you mind? We're having a conversation here."
"You can have your conversation just as soon as you've answered a few questions. Angelman. Talk."
Xamder shook his head and tsked, oozing as much pity as he could. "Boy, they sure don't tell you cop people anything, do they?"
"No they don't. So start telling," DiNozzo said with a grin.
"Nothing to tell." Spike said. "Now leave."
Xander patted Spike's hip, which was about all he could reach, or so he rationalized, and thought about it for a fast moment. "Well, they are the ones putting Dr. Frankenstein in a cage for the rest of his unnatural life."
"Dr. Frankenstein? You mean Wilder?" Gibbs said. "Or is his name Angelman?"
Spike growled. Pretty boy's hand twitched toward his gun and Gibbs' lips thinned.
"You don't like Angelman," DiNozzo noted. "Why'd you hire the fancy lawyers for him?"
"Now we're heading into a whole universe of stuff you guys don't have the clearance to know." Xander said.
"You brought us in, Harris," Gibbs said. "You give me a name on a tombstone and two hours later some covert ops boy is telling us to butt the hell out. Now you're telling us to butt the hell out. If you didn't want us involved, why did you give me the name?"
Spike chuckled. "Got you there, Droopy."
Xander smacked him on the hip. It was all taut and smooth. He could just bet Spike leered from the sudden frown on DiNozz's face. "Wilder's got to be locked up. All there is to it."
"So what's Angelman got to do with it?" Gibbs said.
Xander twisted his head enough to look at Spike, who was glaring at Gibbs. "Justice. It's about justice for someone who won't get it any other way."
Gibbs' eyebrows went up and his eyes tilted to Spike. "Justice?"
Spike's lower lip started to stick out, just a little bit. "I can take care of it myself, whelp."
Xander sniffed haughtily, ala Cordy. "Not even, bleachy. You may be breathing challenged but you deserve to get the same justice as everyone else would."
DiNozzo shifted his stance. "Asthma must clash with the image."
Spike rolled his eyes and moved to lean against the door jamb. He tilted his head and regarded Xander through narrowed eyes. "How do you plan to get me justice, pet?"
Xander sighed and waved a hand at Gibbs and DiNozzo. "Well, not this way. They weren't supposed to figure out who we were, let alone show up for pizza."
"Can we take this inside?" Gibbs asked. It was a pleasant, respectful tone of voice, if you were Angelus doing the pleasanting and respectfuling.
DiNozzo grinned. Spike smirked. Xander shook his head. "Nope, you're not invited."
"Not like it bloody well matters," Spike muttered. "Humans."
DiNozzo frowned, but didn't open his mouth.
"So, the covert ops boy. Uh, who was he?" Xander asked in the same pleasant, respectful tone Gibbs had used.
Gibbs stared him down for a few really, really long minutes. Or maybe it was seconds? Then Gibbs shrugged. "Rye was the only name I got."
"Was he about yea tall," Xander held a hand about even with his eyes, "blonde hair, blue eyes, and look kind of like an ad for the all American soldier from Iowa?"
"Yes," Gibbs said.
"Rye, AKA Riley Finn. So, what did Riley want?"
Spike hissed. "Captain Cornfed? This keeps getting better, whelp."
Gibbs ' eyes flicked to Spike for a moment, than right back to the Xand-man. "Told me to drop my investigation. Or else."
"So naturally you didn't." Xander grinned and poked Spike in the side. "Oh yeah, this is great!"
Gibbs glared. "Great? He threatened to interrogate my people! What did you get me into, Harris?"
"Uh, well, I'm not sure what I should tell you."
"Bloody hell." Spike stomped into the room. "Bring 'em in, boy."
Gibbs pushed his way in before Xander could object. DiNozzo smirked and followed. Xander sighed, shut the door, turned around, and squawked. "Spike!"
Spike, who had totally dropped the towel and stood bare-assed in front of other people, turned to face him. "Wot?"
Xander rushed forward to protect his vampire, well his as soon as he figured out how to seal the deal on that. "You're naked!"
Spike huffed just like Buffy did whenever her shoes got scuffed. "'M sexy, too, but don't see me stating the obvious, do you?"
Xander felt his lips turning down. The glare of doom he was trying out was degenerating into a pout. He could feel it.
Spike heaved a sigh and pulled his jeans on. "Happy, whelp?"
"Shirt, too."
Spike snorted and dropped into the chair by the table that held his smokes. "M' bits are covered. Good enough."
"Riley Finn," Gibbs said.
"Captain Cornfed," Spike said. "Bastard. Run with a secret military group called the Initiative back in Sunnydale."
"Ixnay on the Initiativenay, Spike!"
Spike stuck a cigarette in his mouth. "Think Cornfed will help 'em out?"
Xander sighed. "Fine. The Initiative did a lot of experiments on innocents and, um, some evildoers."
Spike smirked. "'Bout time you noticed me for my finer qualities, besides my percy."
"They---wait, wait. Percy? What the hell are you talking about, Spike?"
Spike grabbed his crotch suggestively and leered. "Percy."
Xander's jaw dropped open. "Oh my god! You've been calling Wesley a dick all the time?"
Spike smirked.
"The Initiative," Gibbs cut in.
"Oh, yeah. Um, well, the tortured a bunch of de---people. Like, cut 'em all up and peeled their skin off and stuff like that, while they were awake, to see, um, something all sciencey sounding. They put behavior modifying chips in va---people's heads. Totally without asking. Kidnapped them right off the street and everything. They did a whole Frankenstein kind of thing with parts from a bunch of bodies, a computer, and some uranium. Don't ask, it was very much with the badness. Angelman was the second in command of the science people."
Spike huffed, less Buffy with scuffed shoes and more Buffy facing a nasty prophecy. "Put th' chip in my head."
Gibbs frowned. "Wait."
"Huh?"
"Behavior modification chips?" Gibbs frowned. "What kind of bullshit are you running?"
Xander crossed his arms and frowned. "Yeah, chips. And they were so not of the good. Riley was a good little Initiative soldi---"
"Nancy boy." Spike blew a smoke ring and ignored Xander's glare.
"And thank you, Spike. Soldier. Look, believe me or not, that's not my problem. The problem is whether or not you're going to put Wilder into a tiny little cell with Bubba of the bad attitude."
Gibbs looked under-impressed. "We were doing that before you showed up."
Xander crossed his arms and frowned. "Yeah, well, justice needs to happen for more than just some stupid super secret decoder ring stealing and espionaging. Sp---some people, the people Angelman hurt need justice, too. Maybe you can't charge him for what he did as Dr. Igor, but you can make sure it never gets to happen again. You can be the part of the justice system that knows that what he did was wrong and that he should be punished for it." Xander clenched his hands. "That'll have to be enough."
Spike blew another smoke ring and Gibbs simply frowned.
"Which one of you broke into the jail last night?" DiNozzo asked.
Xander did his best to not look guilty because that kind of expression never failed to convince Willow he did, in fact, eat the entire batch of cookies.
"Bloody white hats," Spike muttered and stubbed the cigarette. He stood up, which caused the buddy cops to twitch their hands toward their weapons, and stomped over to Xander. Spike hooked his arm around Xander's neck, half affectionate, half strangling. "Idiot whelp. The phrase 'more heart than sense' was created just for you."
Xander smiled because that was, wait, he frowned because it was, he had no idea what that was. "Are you insulting me?"
Spike ruffled his hair and dragged him downward until their heads were about level and, presumably, Spike was feeling comfortable. "Still evil enough, pet. Soul doesn't make that much difference."
"Well, Mr. Harris, you have the---"
"Oh, no. I so do not have time for the whole jail thing and you'll just have to let me go in the end anyway and I can totally withstand torture for, like, ever. I've been trained by the best. So, there will be no arresting of the Xan-man. No way, not now, not ever."
Spike abruptly shifted posture, into his graceful yet insultingly insolent relaxed tiger on two feet pose. Hey, that could be a martial art thing. Unfortunately for Xander's back, in order for Spike to be all Insulting Tiger, Smirking Dragon, Xander had to lean over a bit, which wasn't bad because Spike's back was arched, his hips thrust forward in that dominating the whole town without being slutty way of his, and he had his free thumb hooked into the sliding down waistband of his jeans, giving Xander one hell of a view.
"---to know everything. Eh, plodder?"
Xander snapped to attention. Spike had been at his taunting, well not worst, but he was using the tone of voice he had usually used on Giles when he wanted to drink the good tea without anyone knowing about it.
"If we didn't want to know, we wouldn't have tracked you down, came all the way over here, and trust me, traffic is a bitch, even with him driving," DiNozzo hooked a thumb toward Gibbs, "and then asked you questions." The last bit was said with a hard tone, a bit louder than the rest.
"Huh," Xander said, before Spike could reply. "I have a theory."
"I don't want theories," Gibbs said. "I want facts. Now."
"It's the quippage. Cops never seem to be able to quip well, even in the heat of," Xander waved his free hand, "whatever. I think that's what makes them so, well," he shrugged a bit.
Gibbs was ignoring him to concentrate all of his attention on Spike.
"See?" Xander said. "No sense of humor."
"Be a luv, pet." Spike sounded all amused and condescendy. "Varshall's boy'll be here in a mo'. Fetch my lunch, yeah?"
"Right. I'm not donut-boy anymore. Get your own."
"You planning on telling us anytime soon?" Gibbs asked in a mildish tone, kind of like Buffy whenever she'd interrogated Willy.
"Soon enough." Spike glared at Xander. "You're interrupting my holiday. Least you can do is play minion."
Someone knocked on the door, far more tentatively than the buddy cops in the room did when they showed up. Xander glared back at Spike. "Fine, but you owe me."
Xander tromped over to the door and flung it open. "What?"
A human-looking demon, probably half or a quarter human, slouched in the doorway. He sneered at Xander. "Delivery for Spike."
Xander raised his eyebrows. "For who?"
The demon puffed up.
Xander grinned with all of his teeth, took a step forward, and got all up in the demon's face. "Who?"
The demon's shoulders slumped and his head lowered a bit, until he had to peek up at Xander through his bangs. He looked petulant rather than insolent now. "I don't have to take this from you, human."
Xander wrapped his hand around the demon's throat and squeezed. Hard. "Don't take it. Make my day, punk."
In the background, Spike chuckled.
The demon's shoulders trembled and he swallowed. "You're the Slayer's boy."
"Excuse me?" Xander squeezed. In the back of the room, he could have sworn he heard Spike call him smashing and sexy.
"You're the Slayer's Knight," the demon spit out, complete with spit shower, "the One Who Sees, the Slayer's Heart. C'mon man," the demon whined, "I'm just a delivery boy."
"So, tell me, who is the delivery for?" He shook the demon, just to make sure.
The demon looked a bit nervous, his eyes darting into the room and then back to Xander's face. "Master Spike. I have a delivery for Master Spike."
"Better." Xander snatched the cooler out of the demon's hand and slammed the door in his face.
"Lovely, pet, just lovely."
Xander shrugged and put the cooler on the table in front of the couch. "He was rude, didn't deserve a tip."
Go to Courtship Rituals Pt. 4
Go to Courtship Rituals Index
Pairing Spike/Xander, Tony/Gibbs
Rating: Teen+ (dirty words, sexual situations)
Warnings: Potty mouth
Notes: Written for the Fall of S/X, not so beta'd. While it's a crossover, knowledge of NCIS isn't necessary to enjoy the fic.
Go back to Coursthip Rituals Pt. 1
Go to Courtship Rituals Index
Courtship Rituals Pt. 3
"Faith's gonna be in LA by morning. She's gonna have about 50 slayers there within 24 hours. She's also gonna make Angel call Buffy straight out and tell her everything that's going on. Kind of skip out on Giles altogether. Faith is gonna tell Giles what's going on. Giles is going to probably break his glasses, drink some tea, and try to kick my butt when he figures it out." Xander gave his best puppy dog eyes to Spike. "You'll protect me from mean ol' Watcher wrath, won't you?"
Spike snorted, wrapped a towel around his hips, and sat on the bed. "I had him right in my bloody fingers, Harris."
Xander sighed and dropped onto the bed next to him. "Spike. . . ."
"No! He was in my hands. A few days and. . . ." Spike twisted his fingers definitively.
Xander nudged Spike with his elbow. "And Hostile 17 would be on their radar again. You know that."
Spike sneered. "Don't care, eh? They can just raise the little tit again."
"Well I do care because they need to keep their grubby mitts off of you." Xander frowned. "Wait. What? Raise?"
"You were there in the secret base. You know." Spike flung a hand in the general direction of the setting sun. Toward California. His towel slipped a bit, revealing a lot more of those pretty abs.
Xander forced himself to look at Spike's face. "Uh, I was in a room doing a spell the whole time. Remember?"
"Adam killed Angelman and Walsh. Had them done up like clockwork dolls with tubes and such running through their bodies. They were stitched up and mechanical. Might've been a cross between a machine and a zombie or some sort of whatnot. Frankenstein's Monster made his own little Frankenstein's monsters." Spike shrugged his shoulders, almost turning them inward in a way that always made Xander want to hug the girls when they did it. "Disgusting and perverse, it was. Wrong. Like Adam hisself. Wolfram and Hart's lawyers dug 'round a bit. Found the place where the government was holding that chaos bloke of Rupert's. Ethan Rayne. The Initiative had Rayne bring Angelman back. Walsh was too far gone or too out of control and Angelman knew enough of what she was doing to duplicate her work if they wanted it. They gave him a new identity, gave him a posh job in the Navy. Left me with that bit of hardware in me head."
"Wait. Wait. Ethan Rayne resurrected this guy? Is that what you're telling me?"
"Yeah."
"No way. He'd never do it, for one, cause he's not that dumb, and for two, you need the Urn of Osiris to do it right and Willow got it from this Shirley MacClaine clone who had it in her attic for a decade. Willow still had it until Sunnydale went poof and now it's at the bottom of the crater."
Spike twisted and glared at Xander, fangs flashing. "I was in the jail, boy. I smelled Angelman."
"So whatever's in that jail's a damned good copy." Xander yanked his cellphone out of his pocket and pressed the speed dial for Giles. "And Ethan's been using it for years."
"It's human," Spike said. "Vampire nose, mate."
"Xander?" Giles said in his ear. "I hear Spike. Is there a problem?"
"Yeah, sorry to bother you, Giles." Xander flapped a hand in Spike's face to shut him up. The expression on Spike's face was kind of like a bulldog that got unexpectedly smacked on the nose with a fish. "Spike just informed me that the guy in jail, Angelman, was killed by Adam."
"Then who is in the jail cell?"
"Spike says the lawyers think Ethan Rayne resurrected him for the Initiative, be we all know how that isn't the way it happened."
There was silence on Giles' end of the phone. Well, probably the sounds of glasses polishing, but Xander couldn't hear it over the sound of Spike glaring in his face. It was way sexy. Xander licked his lips and curled his hand around the back of Spike's neck so he could rhythmically run his fingers through the short hair there. It was miraculously ungelled and soft. He could get used to this. "Spike thinks Ethan raised him because he smells just like Angelman."
"No," Giles eventually stated flatly. "Ethan wouldn't raise the dead. He wouldn't risk himself for it no matter what the inducement. I suspect he managed a golem or, if he had the materials available, an homunculus. Such a creature could have the memories of whomever Ethan fashioned it after and would appear human enough to fool a vampire. At least until Spike bit into it. Ethan could cause no end of trouble with an homunculus. Quite less with a golem. Its capacity to pass itself off as an individual is rather diminished."
The pinched, British, snotty, ticked off look was in the process of shifting off of Spike's face. Xander couldn't really place what was coming on in its place. Contemplative? Like one of those philosophical people with anger issues that think they know everything?
"Xander?" Giles said.
Xander focused himself back on the conversation. "So this thing is either a golem or a homunculus. Could it be anything else? Some kind of demon that Ethan bribed?"
"Hm. There may be a few species he could sway to such a purpose."
"How do we find out?"
"If it's an homunculus, its hair will burn with black flame as the thing has no true life. A golem's hair will turn to ash, as normal; however, it won't know how to deal with situations it hasn't been taught to handle. Expose it to something new."
"Like jail?"
"Precisely."
"I think we can rule out golem." Xander flopped onto his back, his eye half closing in thought. "That leaves the homunculus or a demon. It shouldn't be a problem to get to it. Spike broke in pretty easy the other night. We'll just do it again tonight."
Spike twisted himself to curve a bit over Xander, propped himself up on a hand, and licked his lips. Xander watched the tongue trace its way across those lips for a few seconds before forcing his attention back to Giles.
"If it's a demon," Giles began.
"Relax, G-man." Xander grinned. "If it's a demon, it'll give itself up in some way. They always do."
"'S not a demon," Spike said. He relaxed, half sprawling on top of Xander. "He was terrified of me the way a human is. Thought it was Angelman."
"Huh. Spike said---"
"I heard. Test the homunculus theory. It wouldn't be that difficult for Ethan to create one under the guise of raising the dead. Ring me when you've got information. I'll do some research on my end to see what that bastard is after."
Xander nodded. Even though Giles couldn't see him, it was the thought that counted. "Yeah. I'll have to call Riley up or something. See if we can figure out what Ethan was doing to screw with the Navy."
Spike's eyes unfocused. "We rest; a dream has power to poison sleep. We rise; one wandering thought pollutes the day. We feel, conceive, or reason; laugh or weep, Embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away; It is the same: for, be it joy or sorrow, The path of its departure still is free. Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow. Nought may endure but mutability!" Yellow eyes focused on Xander's face.
Xander smiled, somewhat idiotically no doubt. "Whatever that was, pretty."
"Shelley," Spike said. "Should just kill it. Not like killing the real thing, but it'll do."
"You can't kill it, Spike," Xander said. His voice was all soft and mushy, like Willow's whenever she talked of Tara.
"From Frankenstein," Giles added in his ear. "I don't see why Spike can't kill it. It has the same weaknesses as a human. It leaves no body, simply a bit of oily residue when it's been finished off."
"Because the government has it locked up in a jail cell so they can put it on trial," Xander told both of them patiently. "They might figure out Spike had something to do with it and hunt his pretty, bleached ass down."
Giles hummed his good point there, but I hate to concede hum.
Spike looked affronted. "Everyone thinks I'm dead."
Xander rolled his eye. "Right. Trust the government? No way, Jose. I'm sure they think you're unalive and unliving it up in LA."
Giles cleared his throat, loudly. "What do you suggest we do with it? Allow it to continue to wreak Ethan Rayne's havoc on the United States' military?"
Spike must have caught that because he suddenly looked absurdly pleased as only the idea of havoc wreaking on the military can please Spike.
Xander shook his head as much as possible while lying on his back with part of a vampire covering him. "Like it can do much havoc wreaking from jail. It tried to sell secrets or something. They're sending it to the big house. Let the military have their whole Law and Order episode, then send it to their brig thing, and then it can stay there."
Spike eased his mouth close enough to the phone to be heard clearly. "I say we get the bloody lawyers back and let them get the poor bugger off the charges. Not like it ought to be subject to human law, is it? Not human."
"It did commit the crimes," Giles stated flatly. "It's best to keep the thing contained until we can fully understand what we're dealing with. Besides, if it is Rayne's homunculus, it will have all of Angelman's knowledge intact. I'm certain you wouldn't want it running around loose, would you?"
Spike's eyes turned yellow.
"No, we wouldn't want that. Can't say I want the military in possession of the thing, either." Xander patted Spike's shoulder, hoping he wouldn't get bit for his troubles. Or maybe he would get bit, in a good, hickey kind of way. "We'll let them do the trial thing and send it to prison. Then we'll stage an escape for it after enough time has passed to lull them into a sense of security. We'll figure out what to do with it after that when we figure out what it is and what Ethan's been up to with it. Maybe let Spike get rid of it for us. How does that grab you?"
"By the short'n curlies, pet," Spike said. "I'm in."
"Hm. I suppose that would be the method of dealing with the creature that would arouse the least suspicion." Giles was probably chewing on the ear piece of his glasses. "I'll see what can be done from this end, of course, but I don't hold much hope without more observation of the creature in question. I'll have Dawn send you the particulars on homunculi when she gets in."
"Thanks, G-Man."
"Do stay out of trouble."
"Wouldn't dream of it." Xander thumbed the off button and grinned up at Spike. "I love it when a plan comes together."
Spike rolled his eyes. "The plan hasn't come together, pet. The dolly still sitting in jail, isn't it?"
"But I've got you by the short and curlies, now."
Spike's eyes narrowed.
Xander grinned. "You said I did, remember?"
"Whelp." The corner of Spike's fake sneer of disdain twitched.
Xander' affected a totally fake pout. "Oh c'mon. My face is like a poem. Dru said. You like poetry. It's fate, destiny, karma, in vino veritas. Take your pick."
Spike's eyebrow arched and he looked faintly amused. "Still say I should go kill it."
"Naw. We'll sneak in, burn some of its hair and figure out what kind of slimy thing of the week it is. No killing of the magical doojobby."
"Fine." And that didn't come out at all like a four year old getting told he wasn't getting a pony for Christmas.
Xander patted Spike's shoulder. "It'll be okay. We'll figure this thing out and head off to LA."
Spike stuck his bottom lip out. "Don't have to like it."
Xander put on his best serious face and hoped Spike wouldn't see the inner Snoopy dance of joy. "Don't expect you to. Just expect you to show up at LA, kick some evil lawyer ass, then go out and be the Big Bad when you're done. No vamp kamikaze runs."
"I don't do kamikaze, boy." Spike sneered, lip and all.
"Coolness. Hey, when this is done, wanna go out somewhere? Do some music or something? There's this Sex Pistols tribute band that I heard was supposed to be pretty good, not like the real thing, but not bad. They're based in LA, but they're doing stuff all over California. We could catch up with them somewhere, check it out. You know, find out if they're---"
"Oi!"
"Uh, yeah?" Xander blinked, his hands curling in on themselves. He hoped he didn't cut his sweaty palms open with his nails like he did when he asked Cordy out. She might be a shark in high school waters, but Spike would always be the Great White, with bleach and the blue eyes, and…. Well, Spike would smell the blood and that would be bad because he'd know Xander wasn't cool at all.
"Breathe, pet."
"Breathing just fine."
"We'll go. Check these blokes out, see if they're doing right by Sid and the boys."
Xander beamed, like an airport searchlight beam. If he beamed any broader, his lips wouldn't fit on his face anymore. "Great! We'll make sure that---
Spike's hand clamped over his mouth. "Someone at the door."
Someone pounded on the door. "Mr. Rupert Giles! Federal agents. NCIS. We'd like to have a word with you."
Xander's eye bugged out. Rupert Giles?
Spike glared down at Xander. "Picked up a little fan club, did you?"
"Mr. Giles! We know you're in there."
Spike vamped out in Xander's face. "I'll consider it room service."
Xander rolled his eye. "Right."
"Mr. Giles, open up!"
Spike humaned in. He prodded Xander in the gut none too gently. "'s for you."
Xander sighed and heaved himself up. "I'm coming! Keep your pants on!"
Spike rolled onto his side and lazily watched Xander cross to the door. Damned vamp made no move to swap that itty bitty hotel towel for some clothes, like a nice muumuu to keep those busy bodies from seeing what was now rightfully Xander's, or would be as soon as the vamp-wooing was a bit further underway. He threw Spike a one fingered salute over his shoulder and opened the door.
Two men stood in the hallway like a couple of professional buddy cop movie actors. Xander frowned.
"Well, well," said taller buddy cop. DiNozzo, according to his NCIS dossier. Xander gave a mental Beavis and Butthead giggle. He could use a word like dossier correctly in a sentence! Anyway, DiNozzo was the pretty boy in the buddy cop flick. He peered over Xander's shoulder at Spike. Both of his eyebrows went up. "If it isn't Mr. Giles and Mr. Giles. Looking a little incestuous there."
The older guy, Gibbs, who could have played the pretty boy a few years ago, so probably did the I'm too old for this shit bad ass cop thing, managed not to smirk. "Spike and Harris."
"You told them my name? After I eat them, I going to eat you!"
Xander looked back just long enough to see Spike's annoyed human face, though his eyes were a bit yellow and teeth were getting a little pointy. "I didn't tell them your name."
"Eat?" Gibb's eyebrows went up.
"Hey," DiNozzo put in, "don't invite us to your love fest."
Xander leaned against the doorframe. "I didn't. Not big on the invite thing. In fact, you're completely disinvited."
"We have questions," Gibbs said. He looked past Xander, at Spike. "Get dressed. You're coming to NCIS."
Xander arched both eyebrows, wishing, once again, he could do the single eyebrow archy thing that Spike always managed to do just to annoy him. "You got a warrant?"
Gibbs kept his bland poker face. DiNozzo flinched minutely.
Xander grinned. "Then you can be all standy in the hallway and we can be all ignorey in here."
"No they can't!" Spike was pressed against Xander's back an instant later. "Go away."
"Sounds like a plan," Xander said and swung the door shut.
Gibbs stuck his foot in the door. "I don't think so."
"Get rid of them, Harris," Spike hissed in his ear, sending goosebumps down his neck until he got all nippley, "or the take-away I'm expecting won't come from Varshall's."
"Varshall's?" DiNozzo shouldered the door wider, pushing his way in farther. "Never heard of that particular establishment."
"Not likely to deal with scrum like you, eh, mate." The trademarked sneer carried through Spike's voice clearly.
Demon bar, then. Xander crossed his arms over his chest. "What do you want?"
"We have a few questions," DiNozzo said. "And you're going to be kind enough to answer them."
"Course you do," Spike said. "You bloody tits can't do anything on your own. Your arse is that thing you sit on."
Gibbs' eyes tightened and his lips thinned. DiNozzo smirked.
"C'mon, Spike, let 'em do their thing and they'll go away."
"Bloody useless twat." Spike poked him in the ribs, to make it clear who was the twat in the scenario. "You bollix this up and---" Spike's hands made their way around either side of Xander's neck to make violent wrenching motions in front of his face. This had the net effect of putting Spike's arms on Xander's shoulders in a nice, modified hug.
Xander smiled. "Aww, I bet you say that to all the Scoobies."
"Twat." This was said with a great deal of affection.
"Hey, look at it this way, they totally proved that they're really good at what they do."
Spike leaned into him, hands dangling comfortably at the wrists. "They haven't proved anything but that you've the brains of a rock." More sneering was no doubt looming over Xander's shoulder. "A kitten could've figured you out, boy."
"Hey!" Gibbs snapped.
Xander frowned at him. "Do you mind? We're having a conversation here."
"You can have your conversation just as soon as you've answered a few questions. Angelman. Talk."
Xamder shook his head and tsked, oozing as much pity as he could. "Boy, they sure don't tell you cop people anything, do they?"
"No they don't. So start telling," DiNozzo said with a grin.
"Nothing to tell." Spike said. "Now leave."
Xander patted Spike's hip, which was about all he could reach, or so he rationalized, and thought about it for a fast moment. "Well, they are the ones putting Dr. Frankenstein in a cage for the rest of his unnatural life."
"Dr. Frankenstein? You mean Wilder?" Gibbs said. "Or is his name Angelman?"
Spike growled. Pretty boy's hand twitched toward his gun and Gibbs' lips thinned.
"You don't like Angelman," DiNozzo noted. "Why'd you hire the fancy lawyers for him?"
"Now we're heading into a whole universe of stuff you guys don't have the clearance to know." Xander said.
"You brought us in, Harris," Gibbs said. "You give me a name on a tombstone and two hours later some covert ops boy is telling us to butt the hell out. Now you're telling us to butt the hell out. If you didn't want us involved, why did you give me the name?"
Spike chuckled. "Got you there, Droopy."
Xander smacked him on the hip. It was all taut and smooth. He could just bet Spike leered from the sudden frown on DiNozz's face. "Wilder's got to be locked up. All there is to it."
"So what's Angelman got to do with it?" Gibbs said.
Xander twisted his head enough to look at Spike, who was glaring at Gibbs. "Justice. It's about justice for someone who won't get it any other way."
Gibbs' eyebrows went up and his eyes tilted to Spike. "Justice?"
Spike's lower lip started to stick out, just a little bit. "I can take care of it myself, whelp."
Xander sniffed haughtily, ala Cordy. "Not even, bleachy. You may be breathing challenged but you deserve to get the same justice as everyone else would."
DiNozzo shifted his stance. "Asthma must clash with the image."
Spike rolled his eyes and moved to lean against the door jamb. He tilted his head and regarded Xander through narrowed eyes. "How do you plan to get me justice, pet?"
Xander sighed and waved a hand at Gibbs and DiNozzo. "Well, not this way. They weren't supposed to figure out who we were, let alone show up for pizza."
"Can we take this inside?" Gibbs asked. It was a pleasant, respectful tone of voice, if you were Angelus doing the pleasanting and respectfuling.
DiNozzo grinned. Spike smirked. Xander shook his head. "Nope, you're not invited."
"Not like it bloody well matters," Spike muttered. "Humans."
DiNozzo frowned, but didn't open his mouth.
"So, the covert ops boy. Uh, who was he?" Xander asked in the same pleasant, respectful tone Gibbs had used.
Gibbs stared him down for a few really, really long minutes. Or maybe it was seconds? Then Gibbs shrugged. "Rye was the only name I got."
"Was he about yea tall," Xander held a hand about even with his eyes, "blonde hair, blue eyes, and look kind of like an ad for the all American soldier from Iowa?"
"Yes," Gibbs said.
"Rye, AKA Riley Finn. So, what did Riley want?"
Spike hissed. "Captain Cornfed? This keeps getting better, whelp."
Gibbs ' eyes flicked to Spike for a moment, than right back to the Xand-man. "Told me to drop my investigation. Or else."
"So naturally you didn't." Xander grinned and poked Spike in the side. "Oh yeah, this is great!"
Gibbs glared. "Great? He threatened to interrogate my people! What did you get me into, Harris?"
"Uh, well, I'm not sure what I should tell you."
"Bloody hell." Spike stomped into the room. "Bring 'em in, boy."
Gibbs pushed his way in before Xander could object. DiNozzo smirked and followed. Xander sighed, shut the door, turned around, and squawked. "Spike!"
Spike, who had totally dropped the towel and stood bare-assed in front of other people, turned to face him. "Wot?"
Xander rushed forward to protect his vampire, well his as soon as he figured out how to seal the deal on that. "You're naked!"
Spike huffed just like Buffy did whenever her shoes got scuffed. "'M sexy, too, but don't see me stating the obvious, do you?"
Xander felt his lips turning down. The glare of doom he was trying out was degenerating into a pout. He could feel it.
Spike heaved a sigh and pulled his jeans on. "Happy, whelp?"
"Shirt, too."
Spike snorted and dropped into the chair by the table that held his smokes. "M' bits are covered. Good enough."
"Riley Finn," Gibbs said.
"Captain Cornfed," Spike said. "Bastard. Run with a secret military group called the Initiative back in Sunnydale."
"Ixnay on the Initiativenay, Spike!"
Spike stuck a cigarette in his mouth. "Think Cornfed will help 'em out?"
Xander sighed. "Fine. The Initiative did a lot of experiments on innocents and, um, some evildoers."
Spike smirked. "'Bout time you noticed me for my finer qualities, besides my percy."
"They---wait, wait. Percy? What the hell are you talking about, Spike?"
Spike grabbed his crotch suggestively and leered. "Percy."
Xander's jaw dropped open. "Oh my god! You've been calling Wesley a dick all the time?"
Spike smirked.
"The Initiative," Gibbs cut in.
"Oh, yeah. Um, well, the tortured a bunch of de---people. Like, cut 'em all up and peeled their skin off and stuff like that, while they were awake, to see, um, something all sciencey sounding. They put behavior modifying chips in va---people's heads. Totally without asking. Kidnapped them right off the street and everything. They did a whole Frankenstein kind of thing with parts from a bunch of bodies, a computer, and some uranium. Don't ask, it was very much with the badness. Angelman was the second in command of the science people."
Spike huffed, less Buffy with scuffed shoes and more Buffy facing a nasty prophecy. "Put th' chip in my head."
Gibbs frowned. "Wait."
"Huh?"
"Behavior modification chips?" Gibbs frowned. "What kind of bullshit are you running?"
Xander crossed his arms and frowned. "Yeah, chips. And they were so not of the good. Riley was a good little Initiative soldi---"
"Nancy boy." Spike blew a smoke ring and ignored Xander's glare.
"And thank you, Spike. Soldier. Look, believe me or not, that's not my problem. The problem is whether or not you're going to put Wilder into a tiny little cell with Bubba of the bad attitude."
Gibbs looked under-impressed. "We were doing that before you showed up."
Xander crossed his arms and frowned. "Yeah, well, justice needs to happen for more than just some stupid super secret decoder ring stealing and espionaging. Sp---some people, the people Angelman hurt need justice, too. Maybe you can't charge him for what he did as Dr. Igor, but you can make sure it never gets to happen again. You can be the part of the justice system that knows that what he did was wrong and that he should be punished for it." Xander clenched his hands. "That'll have to be enough."
Spike blew another smoke ring and Gibbs simply frowned.
"Which one of you broke into the jail last night?" DiNozzo asked.
Xander did his best to not look guilty because that kind of expression never failed to convince Willow he did, in fact, eat the entire batch of cookies.
"Bloody white hats," Spike muttered and stubbed the cigarette. He stood up, which caused the buddy cops to twitch their hands toward their weapons, and stomped over to Xander. Spike hooked his arm around Xander's neck, half affectionate, half strangling. "Idiot whelp. The phrase 'more heart than sense' was created just for you."
Xander smiled because that was, wait, he frowned because it was, he had no idea what that was. "Are you insulting me?"
Spike ruffled his hair and dragged him downward until their heads were about level and, presumably, Spike was feeling comfortable. "Still evil enough, pet. Soul doesn't make that much difference."
"Well, Mr. Harris, you have the---"
"Oh, no. I so do not have time for the whole jail thing and you'll just have to let me go in the end anyway and I can totally withstand torture for, like, ever. I've been trained by the best. So, there will be no arresting of the Xan-man. No way, not now, not ever."
Spike abruptly shifted posture, into his graceful yet insultingly insolent relaxed tiger on two feet pose. Hey, that could be a martial art thing. Unfortunately for Xander's back, in order for Spike to be all Insulting Tiger, Smirking Dragon, Xander had to lean over a bit, which wasn't bad because Spike's back was arched, his hips thrust forward in that dominating the whole town without being slutty way of his, and he had his free thumb hooked into the sliding down waistband of his jeans, giving Xander one hell of a view.
"---to know everything. Eh, plodder?"
Xander snapped to attention. Spike had been at his taunting, well not worst, but he was using the tone of voice he had usually used on Giles when he wanted to drink the good tea without anyone knowing about it.
"If we didn't want to know, we wouldn't have tracked you down, came all the way over here, and trust me, traffic is a bitch, even with him driving," DiNozzo hooked a thumb toward Gibbs, "and then asked you questions." The last bit was said with a hard tone, a bit louder than the rest.
"Huh," Xander said, before Spike could reply. "I have a theory."
"I don't want theories," Gibbs said. "I want facts. Now."
"It's the quippage. Cops never seem to be able to quip well, even in the heat of," Xander waved his free hand, "whatever. I think that's what makes them so, well," he shrugged a bit.
Gibbs was ignoring him to concentrate all of his attention on Spike.
"See?" Xander said. "No sense of humor."
"Be a luv, pet." Spike sounded all amused and condescendy. "Varshall's boy'll be here in a mo'. Fetch my lunch, yeah?"
"Right. I'm not donut-boy anymore. Get your own."
"You planning on telling us anytime soon?" Gibbs asked in a mildish tone, kind of like Buffy whenever she'd interrogated Willy.
"Soon enough." Spike glared at Xander. "You're interrupting my holiday. Least you can do is play minion."
Someone knocked on the door, far more tentatively than the buddy cops in the room did when they showed up. Xander glared back at Spike. "Fine, but you owe me."
Xander tromped over to the door and flung it open. "What?"
A human-looking demon, probably half or a quarter human, slouched in the doorway. He sneered at Xander. "Delivery for Spike."
Xander raised his eyebrows. "For who?"
The demon puffed up.
Xander grinned with all of his teeth, took a step forward, and got all up in the demon's face. "Who?"
The demon's shoulders slumped and his head lowered a bit, until he had to peek up at Xander through his bangs. He looked petulant rather than insolent now. "I don't have to take this from you, human."
Xander wrapped his hand around the demon's throat and squeezed. Hard. "Don't take it. Make my day, punk."
In the background, Spike chuckled.
The demon's shoulders trembled and he swallowed. "You're the Slayer's boy."
"Excuse me?" Xander squeezed. In the back of the room, he could have sworn he heard Spike call him smashing and sexy.
"You're the Slayer's Knight," the demon spit out, complete with spit shower, "the One Who Sees, the Slayer's Heart. C'mon man," the demon whined, "I'm just a delivery boy."
"So, tell me, who is the delivery for?" He shook the demon, just to make sure.
The demon looked a bit nervous, his eyes darting into the room and then back to Xander's face. "Master Spike. I have a delivery for Master Spike."
"Better." Xander snatched the cooler out of the demon's hand and slammed the door in his face.
"Lovely, pet, just lovely."
Xander shrugged and put the cooler on the table in front of the couch. "He was rude, didn't deserve a tip."
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