Everyday is like Sunday.
Warning: This is the longest LiveJournal entry ever, conveniently split up into segments so you may read at your leisure. Haha, like people read this thing. Never in my short-lived LJ career have I felt quite so unpopular. But it's alright. It has to be.
You ever been judged because of something? When people automatically assume something about you based on stuff like color, creed, ancestry, age, gender, preference, political leanings, education level, income, beauty, evening gown, dancing ability, you name it... it's no picnic. And while it would be neat if LiveJournal were this utopian community where no judging took place, we all know that isn't the case. I've been lucky that It's only happened a couple times with LJ folk, but somehow it tends to cut a little deeper on here because we're all revealing a bit of insider information and whatnot. LJ is many things to may people... therapy, a diary, a community, a soapbox, a family, a cry for help, a dating service. (Odd that such a public outlet is the home for some ordinarily very private things.) But I digress.
My appearance.
I'm always clean and neat when I leave the house (though sometimes I have 5 o'clock shadow... or even 10 o'clock shadow since I utterly loathe shaving), but I'm not what most of you would call "handsome." Or "cute." Or "attractive" even. On a scale of 1 to 10, most days I hope I'm a 5. And like it or not, looks do matter. Even online. Even with LJ friends. Once upon a time, I was SO CLOSE to magic on here. You know, when there are 'possibilities.' It was great while it lasted. I seemed to say the right things. She found me witty and funny and entertaining and sweet. A plain ole' kindred spirit. And then she saw me. And I felt I needed to apologize.
My job.
Yep, I work in retail. I'm paid by the hour and I do such menial tasks as lifting heavy objects and straightening aisles and putting pricetags on things and reshopping items that people have left in the wrong place. I'll be the first to admit it's not brain surgery. But it's an honest living and while I may not be changing the world and making it a better place, it doesn't hurt anyone. Retail just fit 'in the meantime,' until I figure out what i want to do. And honestly, I don't know when that will be. (Maybe i need a good swift kick in the arse. Maybe it will need to fall in my lap.) I graduated from college, but that doesn't make me smarter or more well-rounded or better than someone who didn't. It's not my plan to stay there forever, but what if I do?
Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?
No, I've never been drunk. Never been high. Yes, really. I don't expect to be admired or rejected for that. It just is what it is. How is that possible, you ask? Well, most people were introduced to such things with friends or at parties or something social of that nature. And well... I suppose I never had any of the above. I'm not 'straight-edge.' It doesn't go against any of my beliefs. It just hasn't happened yet. Someday I just might like to be lightly toasted to see what all the fuss is about. But I do have rules. I've got to be with someone I trust. No driving afterward. And no drugs. I'm on prozac, that's enough. And I'm plenty paranoid as it is. Knowing me, I'd get addicted or something. :/ Plus, at least in my experience, you can always tell who may have spent a little too long in the clouds. Again, this doesn't make them 'bad' or 'weak' or any more or less enlightened than those who don't participate. I open doors for people and don't swear much either. Hope that's okay.
Churchboy.
I go to church. Went today, as a matter of fact. I guess this sorta ties in with the goody-two-shoes-ness of the last paragraph. I bet not a lot of you knew that cuz I don't talk about it much. And I will never EVER shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. The one time I thought to post a quote from the bible, I talked myself out of it for fear of people thinking I was trying to convert them or something. I'm a 'christian boy,' but not the Precious Things kind, I assure you. It's just important for me to set aside a little time to reflect. And yes, I could do that in a park or a forest or on a beach or in my bedroom (and i have), but there's something about being in a church (even with all the (mostly deserved) criticism and bad vibes that surround organized religion) that makes it easier for me to think about stuff. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't think. But I do fear that people will judge me because of that. Or worse, think I will judge them. I hope I'm better than that.
While I'm on the subject of church, allow me to share with you one of my more embarrassing/heartbreaking/typically sad exploits. I've alluded to the Churchgirl incident a couple times on LJ, but I've never really gone into it in depth. If you've come this far, and bless your heart if you have.... here's the story.
Once upon a time, I went to church at a very regular time. At a very regular place. And I had a very regular seat off to the side. And since there was a very regular crowd (the last minute people or something), I began to recognize faces. Well, one face in particular caught my eye. Cute girl... looked a lot like Christina Ricci actually. Large forehead. Dark hair, a little longer than shoulder-length. Sometimes glasses. Not skinny, but not chubby either. Fashionable. No idea about her age, but I'd say early 20's. (My brother taught her younger brother in high school and he's long since graduated.) She often went to church with her mom and her brother. Anyway, we exchanged looks often. So I thought about talking to her. I figured, "Hey, she goes to church. How mean can she be?" (Perhaps I judged her?) For the life of me, I could not come up with a scenario that would allow me to approach this person. (Of course, just going up to her and saying 'Hi' or sitting somewhere in her vicinity was out of the question.) After more than a year, and after consulting some of my female co-workers who thought it was cute and harmless and non-stalkerish and typically me, I decided to write her a note. Autumnish, I'd say. And week after week, I'd sit there with the note in my back pocket, hoping for the chance to give it to her. And either I would chicken out or I'd be with a member of my family or what if she thinks it's got anthrax in it or this, that, and the other thing would happen. (The one time I came closest to giving it to her... I had the note in my hand and everything... I bumped into someone I knew.... which NEVER happens. I think that was God trying to send me a message, but did I listen? NO!) Fast-forward to December. And I came up with the brilliant idea of getting her a Christmas card. Surely this is the least creepy way of communicating with her. A year ago today, the last Sunday before Christmas, she did not show up at church. (Another case of divine intervention that I ignored.) But her mom did. And like an idiot, I caught up with her after church. Me: "Would you give this to your daughter for me? It's just a Christmas card." She stopped. Why is she stopping? Just keep walking and take the card. Please. Churchmom: "Oh. Do you know her?" Me: "Sort of." I say her last name... since that's all I knew. "I see her here at church all the time." And like Harry Dunn in Dumb & Dumber when his leg is on fire and that gal is trying to remember her phone number, I'm thinking 'Please take the damn card!' Churchmom: "Oh. Well, I'll give it to her." Immense sigh of relief... And I practically ran away.
What follows is the earliest draft of the note I wrote to her. Keep in mind that I made some adjustments upon having my best online friend (who would soon stop talking to me after she got a boyfriend (another typical rob occurance)) proofread it and I made some more slight changes as I was writing it on the card. I swore I made it even friendlier.
Dear Girl I See At Church Every Now And Again,
Umm... hi. I hope you're not freaking out or anything. I promise this isn't a chain letter and it doesn't contain anything I can use to blackmail you. It's just a harmless, friendly note. If you're reading this, I guess you might be a little curious why I gave it to you. Either that or you were in the mood for a good laugh and right now, you're reading this aloud in the car on your way home and making fun of what a dork I am. :) I suppose if I see you and your family pointing and giggling at me, I'll know it was the latter of the two. Anyways, after seeing you at church a bazillion times, I thought I'd finally introduce myself. Hi, I'm Rob.... nice to meet you. Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you on a date or anything. You could be married for all I know. This is just an offer to get to know each other and perhaps become friends. I have no idea what you're like and I have no idea if we'd even get along. In fact, we might not have anything in common other than the fact that we attend the same church, but if we ever talk, at least I'll get to stop wondering. Now it's quite possible that you have plenty of friends and you aren't the slightest bit interested in me, and that's okay. I just figured I had nothing to lose by writing you a little something. Maybe you'll write back and we'll become friends. Maybe we can wave to each other at the shaking hands part of Mass. Or at the very least, maybe you'll be flattered that some random guy was interested enough in you to take a huge chance like this. My email address is: radiostorm@aol.com. Feel free to write.
Take care and may God bless,
rob
The next time I saw her, she and her brother exchanged a goofy, knowing look and a very visible laugh and I smiled, looked away, swallowed hard, and tried very hard not to look again. Heh, she never wrote. I guess today is our one year nonniversary. :) Shocking that I offered to try and make friends and hang out with some of y'all after that lil fiasco. If I did, I hope you're a bit more flattered than she was.
You ever been judged because of something? When people automatically assume something about you based on stuff like color, creed, ancestry, age, gender, preference, political leanings, education level, income, beauty, evening gown, dancing ability, you name it... it's no picnic. And while it would be neat if LiveJournal were this utopian community where no judging took place, we all know that isn't the case. I've been lucky that It's only happened a couple times with LJ folk, but somehow it tends to cut a little deeper on here because we're all revealing a bit of insider information and whatnot. LJ is many things to may people... therapy, a diary, a community, a soapbox, a family, a cry for help, a dating service. (Odd that such a public outlet is the home for some ordinarily very private things.) But I digress.
My appearance.
I'm always clean and neat when I leave the house (though sometimes I have 5 o'clock shadow... or even 10 o'clock shadow since I utterly loathe shaving), but I'm not what most of you would call "handsome." Or "cute." Or "attractive" even. On a scale of 1 to 10, most days I hope I'm a 5. And like it or not, looks do matter. Even online. Even with LJ friends. Once upon a time, I was SO CLOSE to magic on here. You know, when there are 'possibilities.' It was great while it lasted. I seemed to say the right things. She found me witty and funny and entertaining and sweet. A plain ole' kindred spirit. And then she saw me. And I felt I needed to apologize.
My job.
Yep, I work in retail. I'm paid by the hour and I do such menial tasks as lifting heavy objects and straightening aisles and putting pricetags on things and reshopping items that people have left in the wrong place. I'll be the first to admit it's not brain surgery. But it's an honest living and while I may not be changing the world and making it a better place, it doesn't hurt anyone. Retail just fit 'in the meantime,' until I figure out what i want to do. And honestly, I don't know when that will be. (Maybe i need a good swift kick in the arse. Maybe it will need to fall in my lap.) I graduated from college, but that doesn't make me smarter or more well-rounded or better than someone who didn't. It's not my plan to stay there forever, but what if I do?
Don't drink, don't smoke, what do you do?
No, I've never been drunk. Never been high. Yes, really. I don't expect to be admired or rejected for that. It just is what it is. How is that possible, you ask? Well, most people were introduced to such things with friends or at parties or something social of that nature. And well... I suppose I never had any of the above. I'm not 'straight-edge.' It doesn't go against any of my beliefs. It just hasn't happened yet. Someday I just might like to be lightly toasted to see what all the fuss is about. But I do have rules. I've got to be with someone I trust. No driving afterward. And no drugs. I'm on prozac, that's enough. And I'm plenty paranoid as it is. Knowing me, I'd get addicted or something. :/ Plus, at least in my experience, you can always tell who may have spent a little too long in the clouds. Again, this doesn't make them 'bad' or 'weak' or any more or less enlightened than those who don't participate. I open doors for people and don't swear much either. Hope that's okay.
Churchboy.
I go to church. Went today, as a matter of fact. I guess this sorta ties in with the goody-two-shoes-ness of the last paragraph. I bet not a lot of you knew that cuz I don't talk about it much. And I will never EVER shove my beliefs down anyone's throat. The one time I thought to post a quote from the bible, I talked myself out of it for fear of people thinking I was trying to convert them or something. I'm a 'christian boy,' but not the Precious Things kind, I assure you. It's just important for me to set aside a little time to reflect. And yes, I could do that in a park or a forest or on a beach or in my bedroom (and i have), but there's something about being in a church (even with all the (mostly deserved) criticism and bad vibes that surround organized religion) that makes it easier for me to think about stuff. I'm not ashamed of it, I don't think. But I do fear that people will judge me because of that. Or worse, think I will judge them. I hope I'm better than that.
While I'm on the subject of church, allow me to share with you one of my more embarrassing/heartbreaking/typically sad exploits. I've alluded to the Churchgirl incident a couple times on LJ, but I've never really gone into it in depth. If you've come this far, and bless your heart if you have.... here's the story.
Once upon a time, I went to church at a very regular time. At a very regular place. And I had a very regular seat off to the side. And since there was a very regular crowd (the last minute people or something), I began to recognize faces. Well, one face in particular caught my eye. Cute girl... looked a lot like Christina Ricci actually. Large forehead. Dark hair, a little longer than shoulder-length. Sometimes glasses. Not skinny, but not chubby either. Fashionable. No idea about her age, but I'd say early 20's. (My brother taught her younger brother in high school and he's long since graduated.) She often went to church with her mom and her brother. Anyway, we exchanged looks often. So I thought about talking to her. I figured, "Hey, she goes to church. How mean can she be?" (Perhaps I judged her?) For the life of me, I could not come up with a scenario that would allow me to approach this person. (Of course, just going up to her and saying 'Hi' or sitting somewhere in her vicinity was out of the question.) After more than a year, and after consulting some of my female co-workers who thought it was cute and harmless and non-stalkerish and typically me, I decided to write her a note. Autumnish, I'd say. And week after week, I'd sit there with the note in my back pocket, hoping for the chance to give it to her. And either I would chicken out or I'd be with a member of my family or what if she thinks it's got anthrax in it or this, that, and the other thing would happen. (The one time I came closest to giving it to her... I had the note in my hand and everything... I bumped into someone I knew.... which NEVER happens. I think that was God trying to send me a message, but did I listen? NO!) Fast-forward to December. And I came up with the brilliant idea of getting her a Christmas card. Surely this is the least creepy way of communicating with her. A year ago today, the last Sunday before Christmas, she did not show up at church. (Another case of divine intervention that I ignored.) But her mom did. And like an idiot, I caught up with her after church. Me: "Would you give this to your daughter for me? It's just a Christmas card." She stopped. Why is she stopping? Just keep walking and take the card. Please. Churchmom: "Oh. Do you know her?" Me: "Sort of." I say her last name... since that's all I knew. "I see her here at church all the time." And like Harry Dunn in Dumb & Dumber when his leg is on fire and that gal is trying to remember her phone number, I'm thinking 'Please take the damn card!' Churchmom: "Oh. Well, I'll give it to her." Immense sigh of relief... And I practically ran away.
What follows is the earliest draft of the note I wrote to her. Keep in mind that I made some adjustments upon having my best online friend (who would soon stop talking to me after she got a boyfriend (another typical rob occurance)) proofread it and I made some more slight changes as I was writing it on the card. I swore I made it even friendlier.
Dear Girl I See At Church Every Now And Again,
Umm... hi. I hope you're not freaking out or anything. I promise this isn't a chain letter and it doesn't contain anything I can use to blackmail you. It's just a harmless, friendly note. If you're reading this, I guess you might be a little curious why I gave it to you. Either that or you were in the mood for a good laugh and right now, you're reading this aloud in the car on your way home and making fun of what a dork I am. :) I suppose if I see you and your family pointing and giggling at me, I'll know it was the latter of the two. Anyways, after seeing you at church a bazillion times, I thought I'd finally introduce myself. Hi, I'm Rob.... nice to meet you. Don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you on a date or anything. You could be married for all I know. This is just an offer to get to know each other and perhaps become friends. I have no idea what you're like and I have no idea if we'd even get along. In fact, we might not have anything in common other than the fact that we attend the same church, but if we ever talk, at least I'll get to stop wondering. Now it's quite possible that you have plenty of friends and you aren't the slightest bit interested in me, and that's okay. I just figured I had nothing to lose by writing you a little something. Maybe you'll write back and we'll become friends. Maybe we can wave to each other at the shaking hands part of Mass. Or at the very least, maybe you'll be flattered that some random guy was interested enough in you to take a huge chance like this. My email address is: radiostorm@aol.com. Feel free to write.
Take care and may God bless,
rob
The next time I saw her, she and her brother exchanged a goofy, knowing look and a very visible laugh and I smiled, looked away, swallowed hard, and tried very hard not to look again. Heh, she never wrote. I guess today is our one year nonniversary. :) Shocking that I offered to try and make friends and hang out with some of y'all after that lil fiasco. If I did, I hope you're a bit more flattered than she was.