a scattered mind brings scattered knights
when i was younger i used to control my bad feeling by writing in extreme detail. i had probably 100 notbooks that i used to record all my thoughts and feelings and details of my life in, as my brain got more confused, the notbooks got more and more detailed.
here is my attempt to calm my scattered brain tonight
imt alking to lindsay online, it used to be that i'd do this and it made me really happy, then we broke up and it made me really sad, now, finnally that i've coped with losing her i dont knwo what to feel. odds are i will never see the girl again, and since shes ok with that, i am too. i have to be, all these things in life that im not okay with i have to be, cause i cannot change them. i try and meditate and force my mind from the thoughts but they just wont leave me alone.
i want to leave me alone. i want to crawl into the desert and just leave myself there for years, maybe when i come out the world wont look like it does now. too bad that type of time machine only takes u forward in time when the places i like most are varying degrees of backward in time. damn the 60s or 70s woulda rocked. or maybe evern just a year or two ago, hell a week ago would be nice.
i am not crying
i am not crying
i am not crying
its jsut a trick of the mind trying to make me feel sorry for myself and my predicament that i put myself in. well at least we know my dad was right. and lynn too. grade A fuck up. this is why i cant have kids, i know my dad did the best he could, he put as much effort into me as he possibly could give, and i still ended up fucked up and not talking to him. why would i want to have kids just so that in the best of circumstances, they grow up to be nothing like me. a clone would be a much better idea.
my mind wont stop runnign around the thoughts of the lake in the summer. when i used to think everything was so bad. then it got worse, and worse. then i hit rock bottom and almost died. now look at me, im fully functional, as long as i'm high. fuck.
i cant believe i told dad not to talk to me again. it was a big step but probably in the wrong direction, i'm jsut tired of his bullshit and how he is alwasys putting me down and tellign em i disrespect him. all i can say is that its a two way street and he doesnt respect me. my mom does, but shes running out of meds and cracking up to. sometimes i feel like im in my own personal hellish nut house.
there is so much beauty around me out here, but i cant straiten my thoughts out enough to enjoy it. i knwo tis gorgeous but my brain wont allow me to jsut take it in, it wont slow down.
FUCK
that is all
here is my attempt to calm my scattered brain tonight
imt alking to lindsay online, it used to be that i'd do this and it made me really happy, then we broke up and it made me really sad, now, finnally that i've coped with losing her i dont knwo what to feel. odds are i will never see the girl again, and since shes ok with that, i am too. i have to be, all these things in life that im not okay with i have to be, cause i cannot change them. i try and meditate and force my mind from the thoughts but they just wont leave me alone.
i want to leave me alone. i want to crawl into the desert and just leave myself there for years, maybe when i come out the world wont look like it does now. too bad that type of time machine only takes u forward in time when the places i like most are varying degrees of backward in time. damn the 60s or 70s woulda rocked. or maybe evern just a year or two ago, hell a week ago would be nice.
i am not crying
i am not crying
i am not crying
its jsut a trick of the mind trying to make me feel sorry for myself and my predicament that i put myself in. well at least we know my dad was right. and lynn too. grade A fuck up. this is why i cant have kids, i know my dad did the best he could, he put as much effort into me as he possibly could give, and i still ended up fucked up and not talking to him. why would i want to have kids just so that in the best of circumstances, they grow up to be nothing like me. a clone would be a much better idea.
my mind wont stop runnign around the thoughts of the lake in the summer. when i used to think everything was so bad. then it got worse, and worse. then i hit rock bottom and almost died. now look at me, im fully functional, as long as i'm high. fuck.
i cant believe i told dad not to talk to me again. it was a big step but probably in the wrong direction, i'm jsut tired of his bullshit and how he is alwasys putting me down and tellign em i disrespect him. all i can say is that its a two way street and he doesnt respect me. my mom does, but shes running out of meds and cracking up to. sometimes i feel like im in my own personal hellish nut house.
there is so much beauty around me out here, but i cant straiten my thoughts out enough to enjoy it. i knwo tis gorgeous but my brain wont allow me to jsut take it in, it wont slow down.
FUCK
that is all