Collage time! The memorial trip, tattoo, and general thoughts...
Sick of this photo yet?
Aug took this the evening after I got the tattoo. he titled the photo "OMFG" - laf!
Erin has some sweet pics of the tattoo in action. I haven’t posted in a while. Life’s a little hectic. Or, has been. It’s slowing down a bit.. but soon it’ll ramp up again out of the need to prepare for Ecuador.
View of the Sunset over Sugarloaf Mountain, where Craig's ashes were spread just a few minutes later. July 19th 2008. Aug's Photo.
Erin has another fantastic Summit shot here.
Craig with enough slings on to sink a ship.
Erin too this photo at the top of the mountain we spread Craig's Ashes on. Most of the people who read my blog already know that I got a tattoo last week. It’s in memory of Craig and also honoring what kinda of.. outdoor gifts he’s introduced to my life. Initially, it was going to be smaller and on my side shoulder blade. But, then (after seeing more people with tattoos) I realized that I’d HATE something off-center, so I decided to put it in the center of my back. Then I realized that something that small on my back wouldn’t feel right, either. Plus, what’s a tattoo for if it isn’t glorious? So, I just went for it at the size (actually, slightly smaller) that Thad drew it as.
Hike in, Memorial Trip. Aug's Photo.
I should mention that Thad DID draw it for me.. which is awesome. I emailed him on like.. a Friday and was like “Bex told me you’re an artist, and I’d love it if you could help me make my tattoo idea real…. Oh, and, I need it Wednesday!” and he took on the challenge and I picked it up on Thursday morning and was like “this is AWESOME!” and went into the tattoo place and the artist was like “sweet drawing” and used it to make the outline and put it all on. Permanent. Forever.
Messing around on a rock. Letting the tattoo air out from the pack. Aug took this.
I’m sure given more time (and less exhaustion) I’ll sit down and write a whole blahblahblah about what exactly it means to me and why. The simple answer is that it’s representative of the flag that august made for Craig for Craig’s last set of 14ers. There were two flags made, one for aug and one for Craig. It’s a sweet play on the whole “pirate” and “mountaineering” theme. Beyond that.. it says “Craig” to me in a lot of ways that are simply hard as hell to articulate. I was standing at the top of the mountain this weekend, after august stood there and emptied the container of Craig’s ashes and was so fucking moved by the horridly beautiful experience that I knew.. I knew that the feelings I felt in that moment were feelings I feel are encapsulated in the tattoo and my motives for it.
Hut trip, on Machine gun Ridge, not too far from where his ashes were spread.
Also, August and I had five years together. He designed this tattoo. He changed my life in a lot of ways, and the impact of who he was and the dynamics of our relationship together helped me further grow into who I am today... and for that, I'm thankful. Without doubt, a peice of that reality is encapuslated in the tattoo. To a end, and beginning.
The summit of La Plata, enjoying some TenFiddy with the group represented via axes. I took this. June 2008.
All of that isn’t to say that I haven’t had moments of doubt or insecurity for making the choice to get this tattoo. Or, more, the size of the tattoo, since everyone’s comments have been “it’s so big!” in a freaked out tone. I think, if anything, it’s that people never saw me as the tattoo kinda of person. And, to see something that’s not a small butterfly tattoo on my side where it’d always be covered up is like.. contrary to people’s perception of me. Getting a tattoo this size and in memory of someone is, I think, evidence to how emotionally sensitive and sentimental of a person I really am - it’s out there, on the surface, for everyone to see (even if it’s disguised as a hardcore pirate).
Joe took this. It's from the top of the Sawtooth. July 13th 2008.
I remember telling people that this was the tattoo I was going to get for Craig curing Craig’s memorial service in November 7th. I’ve know this is what I wanted for MONTHS, and with time the feeling only grew stronger. The last two weeks before the memorial trip were un-freaking-bearable… I wanted this tattoo so bad that I needed it. Anyone that knows me knows how passive and “flip-floppy” I can be, and how hard it is for me to actually feel passionate about things - but certain things I am certain about… and getting this tattoo was one of them. No doubt.
Pearl Peak. Hut Trip '05. Near where the ashes were spread. Also, that's the flag.
Moving on from the tattoo discussion….
Erin was in town for the last week-ish. Which was awesome.. which I say not in a “dear livejournal” kind of way, but in a way where.. given more time apart from her, when we do spend time together I realize how much she means to me and how important of a role she plays in my life. And I know you, Erin, are reading this. But, it’s true. When I came to Utah, I realized how important of a individual Pookums is in my world.
Memorial Trip (notice, her memorial tattoo =P) Aug's Photo.
Also, Erin was incredibly supportive in my break-up with August -not a “fuck him, he’s a fucking douche” kind of way, but in a “wow, that really sucks, but I really care about you and am here for you..” kinda of way - which was refreshing. I miss her, and I’m seriously like.. planning for the next time we’ll see each other in like.. months.
Forg and I goin' up the ridge... the fucking flowers were to fucking awesome! Aug took this.
The memorial trip was this past weekend. I had planned this and put effort into it because I wanted to provide people with the opportunity to have a whole weekend in the mountains to deal and cope with the fact that one of our dear friends killed himself. I wanted people to not feel alone, but rather to come-together and experience this reality and be there emotionally. It’s no secret that some of the people in our social group are… non-communicative. So, while many still find it hard to talk about Craig, I figured the ACT of doing SOMETHING for/about Craig would be healing. Hopefully it was.
The whole group. Amanda's camera took this. Parking lot of Copper, Memorial trip, July 18th 2008.
I was in a bit better shape than other people… but all in all.. it didn’t seem to matter to people how much pain they were in. They had a objective in being here, and that was Craig.
Craig in Rocky. July 4th, 2007. Aug took this.
I had a minor breakdown on Friday, before the trip. Mostly, it was the realization that I had been planning this trip under the guise of “mothering” people and “providing” for them - which is, to be fair, how my grief manifests itself. But, It all kinda of hit me that… this trip would be to spread the ashes of our dear friend, a friend who killed himself, a friend who couldn’t look beyond his own pain and grief to see something more than the emotions that encompassed him. I realized how fucked up it was that we were going out to burry the remains of a friend; how fucked up it was that all of this was real.
The war of Rocks... Soon.. very soon mine will become more popular. And... alcoholic.
And, my breakdown pertained to how frustrating it was to try and coordinate 17 different people who were all in different places and some of which kinda-sorta read the details of my emails while others had their shit together and still others were use to backpacking and others weren’t… etc. In the end, despite the stress and kinda.. lack of support in organizing, it all worked out for the best and was, in fact, very healing for everyone involved. I’m happy and satisfied and will always, always. always remember this weekend and these people. The weekend was full of drinking, rock fun, blue skies and mountains.. not to mention moments of horrific beauty with Craig’s ashes, and despite sun burns, blisters and sweat it was a weekend that will forever be placed in the bank of fond and unforgettable experiences that happened in my life.
The group on the top of Sugarloaf Mountain, after waiting for Sarion. Memorial Trip. July 18th 2008.
We got back home on Sunday. Monday came and I worked a open to close shift. Then went and met metz and amy for beers at the sosun, and then managed to get to bed at 10pm only to wake up and pull another open to close shift Tuesday. It’ll be a bit of a long week for me seeing as they’re short people and I’m short money. It’s all sooo worth it because two weeks from today I’ll be on a plane towards Ecuador.
Ecuador is coming… all too soon and yet not fast enough. The school year starts up after that and I’m kinda wondering if, despite traveling, whether the summer break was a “break” or a “opportunity to work and be exhausted all of the time.” You know when you go on vacation, but then you almost need a vacation AFTER your vacation because the break wasn’t relaxing due to how busy you were… yeah, I’m wondering if I’ll feel that way. Although, perhaps I’ll come back from Ecuador and be happy to jump right back into the comforts of my home and scholastic world surrounded by familiar things and people that speak my language. We shall see… I’m open to whatever..
The summer is fleeting.
On the way up to Biersdat. Joe took this. July 13th 2008.
I’m working every day this week. On Sunday we’re going to get the Maroon Bells done. That’ll be fucking awesome because I’ll have 8 of my ten, then. Plus, the Bells are…. an ambitious and challenge. Talk about a awesome thing to say you’ve done. They’re some of the more… interesting 14ers out there, I think. Plus, seriously, who DOESN’T want to be able to point to their SooperCard and say “yeah, I’ve done those…” In addition, it’d be nice to see what this area looks like in DAYLIGHT.
I have pushed my limits this sumer, and a lot of positive change has come from it all. I will continue to push myself while discovering more and more about who I am while who I "want" to be is fadng into reality. I'm so incredibly thankful for this summer and it's blatant potential, which hasn't ended yet.
Forggie, Summit of La Plata peak. June 2008.
That also means there’s really only one more WEEKEND left before I head out of town. We’re also planning on getting together on Sunday the 2nd to do one whole… last minute gear check-through and play-time in the mountains of Colorado. We leave on the 4th.
Me, Glissaiding down the Angel of Shavano. May 2008. Aug took this.
I think I might try to throw a BBQ for us here at my/pats/russ’s place before I go leave for Ecuador. Some sort of drunken smores related BBQ for people to enjoy the company of august/saraion/forggie/me before we’re gone for two+ weeks. Prolly sometime later next week or next weekend. This is kinda something I only thought about today… so, I’ll post more when I figure something out.
Axes. Summit of Democrat first 14er of the summer. May 2008.
I think I’ve ranted enough. I’ve also posted some pictures in between from fellow friends and flikr users. Thanks to them for always having a camera on hand to document life. Here are their links:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/heavyglow/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/22886917@N06/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/79305942@N00/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/augustallen/