Ha, what a perfect writers block for this week. I definitely need to rant and vent because omfg I'm going to go postal.
I found out yesterday I might be out of a job next year. So that's pretty shit. It's all dependent on student enrolment numbers, because if there's not enough students to run more than one class then it's bye bye to me. I get it. It's a waiting game and they can't promise me work, which I understand. What shits me is that they didn't bother to actually tell me any of this, and it was only when I asked what I was timetabled on for next year that she told me. Yeah, nice. Her words were, "I understand we might lose you." :|
So I'm in a crappy position where I have to make the choice of whether to start looking elsewhere for work, or to hang out and hope that we get the normal influx of students enrolling at the end of January. Which won't leave me much time to find out, because my contract finishes on the 20th Jan. Awesome. Thanks, Kim. Thanks a fucking lot. I was originally timetabled for a decent spread of units over the two courses I normally teach in, and then I noticed that on the amended version I had been pulled completely. With no explanation. I'd be lying if I wasn't just a bit pissed off and just a tad upset. It's just the friggin perfect news I need right now, right before fucking Christmas, and after I have just gone through all this shit with my leg.
I get the impression that I'm gently being shoved out the door, but it could just be me being paranoid. I don't think Kim likes me because I challenge her, though I rarely bother because it's just not worth it. She's never wrong, in her opinion. It's easier just to rant and bitch behind closed doors because everyone thinks the sun shines out of her ass and I would very quickly be alienated. And along with it any chance of employment. I don't play the office politics game. I don't care for it, it's not my way and I'm no good at it. I just want to do my job. I'm not going to stomp on people in an attempt to become successful because that is a pretty fucking low thing to do. I seriously just want to friggin teach and get credit for the amount of goddamn work I do. I worked pretty much my entire hospital stay when I went in for the graft. And I'm not talking a few hours here and there. I'm talking 8am until often 1am just to get my shit done.While in hospital. I come back to work expecting everything to be cruisey because I've finished all my marking, and there's a fucking mass of assessments that need to be marked for another unit - THAT ISN'T MINE. They were sent to Kim while I was in hospital and no one bothered to mark them. So guess who got lumped with that. Again. I don't mind doing it, but I'm sick of the attitude that it's ok to keep dumping excess shit on me and expecting me to just fit it in. The sessional teachers at least get paid for doing the additional marking. I fucking don't. I'm just so fucking frustrated. I suspect they didn't say anything because I'm working on resource development for the new training package next year and why the fuck would I if I'm not even going to be delivering any of them? So.Fucking.Over.It.
I could seriously rant for pages about this. I bawled in the shower because it seems like everything goes to shit for me. I can't ever just have things go right. I know that all of this shit thrown at me makes me the strong, independent person I am, but seriously, I can't take anymore. I'd really like to just catch a break now. Seriously. It feels like all of my ambitions are being stomped on. My childhood dream of becoming a palaeontologist - crushed. I hated geology, though I loved the palaeo and there's no work in Australia. But that's ok, I had other ambitions that I had wanted to complete. So I got my Zoology major. And then couldn't get a job. So I drifted trying to find my purpose. Enjoyed teaching so followed that, and now it feels like the door is closing on that too. I know I'm being horribly melodramatic and things might turn out fine. And if they don't that's not to say there won't be something else around the corner. It just feels so shit right now. I also discontinued my Dip Ed because I was meant to be teaching next year, and it was the only option I had. I can't complete the teaching rounds because I'm teaching and I can't get recognition for it because it's not secondary teaching. Now I've got half a Grad Dip Ed that is completely meaningless because the course is rolling over into a Masters in 2013 and so I won't be able to just complete my outstanding units. Yeah, fucking great.
I hate Christmas; I'm stressed, worried that we're going to run out of money next year and we're already pretty tight. Matt and I aren't even buying each other Christmas presents this year because I can't justify spending the money. We didn't even get a tree. It's just another expense on something we don't need and will just make a mess everywhere. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep because I'm stressed. I've been working 10-13 hr days and I'm just exhausted and tired and sick of being treated like shit. Christmas sucks because it reminds me that my family has disintegrated and that I've lost my dad. I contemplated sending him a Christmas card but I just don't think I can yet. The hurt and betrayal is too deep and fresh and basically, he's a fucking asshole. And his wife is a family-wrecking slut whore and I will never, ever classify her as my step-mother. Plus, the logistics of having a step-mum younger than you is just too fucking ridiculous. Seriously. Gross.
On a positive, I get two weeks annual leave starting Friday, which I am very much looking forward to. Though I suspect I will still have to do some work :/ But I plan to enjoy my break because I didn't get much of my sick leave. My leg is on the mend and the graft is healing over. It still niggles and I have to be careful not to overdo it. The humidity (even mild) makes my ankle and foot swell, which isn't terribly comfortable. I guess it could be worse though. And hey, I have some pretty impressive photos :D Seriously you guys, I have a chunk of my leg missing and it's a bit surreal. At least I still have my leg! I am looking forward to spending Christmas with my mum and my brother (and Matt of course). We go to Matt's parent's house for Christmas Eve and my mum's for Christmas Day. Matt's family are German so they celebrate on the eve anyway, so it works out well for us. We do the traditional meal with his family and then seafood with mine :D YUM! Oysters and crayfish and prawns mmmmm.
I have to believe that everything happens for a reason. I can hear the desperation in my voice as I tell myself, but if fate isn't intervening for some ulterior purpose then it just makes everything seem all the more miserable and shitty. I need to go to bed. I'm rambling rather than ranting.