kwit yer bitchun
it had all started so well, so strongly. the semester is unraveling into an unorganized mess. i have been skipping some classes, but only some. i've managed to talk my way out of a few things but i'm sure it'll all catch up with me. i have this sneaking suspicion that every instructor/professor at iu will get together to compile my exhausting list of excuses (but, alas, i've never repeated two!) and either realize i'm a dirty liar or that i'm some poor grrl who has suffered for too long. i hope that if this summit exists they will choose the latter. i mean, i am pretty convincing.
i find myself at the same hole in the ground that i always find myself in. my life is messy, unorganized, and chaotic but i manage to exists on a fence around it. the only time my mess exists is when i'm laying in bed contemplating how the days will go, how the days have gone.
this is my college experience. a very generic college experience at the surface but underneath it's very different. yes, i partake [excessively] in a few vices, none that i'm explicitly reliant on, but vices nonetheless. i waste time, je suis tres pantouflarde aussi. i find myself unable to focus on school at the moment and am morally opposed to adderall (sp?). ah, but instead of trying to change that i'm updating my livejournal.
i think i'm smart, enough. i've gone this far with little more than a keen ability to lie and bullshit my way through life but now i worry that someday all of that will run out. then what will i do? what am i doing now that is really going to help me in the future? how am i pushing myself to do? i'm merely existing and enjoying my world in a bubble. when yr in bloomington, nothing else exists. the outside world is only what i see on pbs and the rare chance i pick up a magazine or newspaper. i have withdrawn from society as much as possible only to exist in what i deem existable. i only have time for bullshit, bullshit makes me happy.
wow, i'm really not miserable but this is beginning to sound that way. i'm restless. i want to see what is outside of this place. i want out. i want to scare the shit out of myself and do something insane. i want to start riding my bike south and not stop until i have a proper beard. i want to engage in dangerous and limit-pushing adventures. i want to go now. anywhere.
i watched a movie the other nite called before the devil knows you're dead that was so heartbreaking. at one point this old man is next to his wife's hospital bed (she had been shot), holding her hand, saying he loved her, etc. it made me think of that death cab for cutie song that has the line, "love is watching someone die. so who's gonna watch you die?" and i felt a stabbing in my chest, this overwhelming sensitivity for the fictional characters. that want for someone to love you that much, without question, is something i think all humans ultimately desire. i know i do. not any time soon, of course. i doubt i'm mature enough to handle those sorts of ultra serious feelings, as i've showcased in earlier relationships. but it made me wonder, will i get there? will i ever find someone that i can tell everything too? patton oswalt included in his stand-up something about his current (or then current) grrlfriend being the one that he told all of his deep, dark, scary secrets too. the weird stuff as well and how he never worried with her. i, on the other hand, could know someone for fifty years and still manage to keep secrets. that makes me the asshole. i am not nearly as assertive as i once thought, huh.
dribble.
at any rate, things are good. things, at times, are better than good. as for now, it's good. sustainable and more often then not wholly enjoyable. everyday i see friends, learn something new, feel loved. it's a good life, i just wish i would do more. make more. but that is my own fault and i apologize to anyone who has suffered through all of this whining. i've just been feeling whiney.
xoxo
i find myself at the same hole in the ground that i always find myself in. my life is messy, unorganized, and chaotic but i manage to exists on a fence around it. the only time my mess exists is when i'm laying in bed contemplating how the days will go, how the days have gone.
this is my college experience. a very generic college experience at the surface but underneath it's very different. yes, i partake [excessively] in a few vices, none that i'm explicitly reliant on, but vices nonetheless. i waste time, je suis tres pantouflarde aussi. i find myself unable to focus on school at the moment and am morally opposed to adderall (sp?). ah, but instead of trying to change that i'm updating my livejournal.
i think i'm smart, enough. i've gone this far with little more than a keen ability to lie and bullshit my way through life but now i worry that someday all of that will run out. then what will i do? what am i doing now that is really going to help me in the future? how am i pushing myself to do? i'm merely existing and enjoying my world in a bubble. when yr in bloomington, nothing else exists. the outside world is only what i see on pbs and the rare chance i pick up a magazine or newspaper. i have withdrawn from society as much as possible only to exist in what i deem existable. i only have time for bullshit, bullshit makes me happy.
wow, i'm really not miserable but this is beginning to sound that way. i'm restless. i want to see what is outside of this place. i want out. i want to scare the shit out of myself and do something insane. i want to start riding my bike south and not stop until i have a proper beard. i want to engage in dangerous and limit-pushing adventures. i want to go now. anywhere.
i watched a movie the other nite called before the devil knows you're dead that was so heartbreaking. at one point this old man is next to his wife's hospital bed (she had been shot), holding her hand, saying he loved her, etc. it made me think of that death cab for cutie song that has the line, "love is watching someone die. so who's gonna watch you die?" and i felt a stabbing in my chest, this overwhelming sensitivity for the fictional characters. that want for someone to love you that much, without question, is something i think all humans ultimately desire. i know i do. not any time soon, of course. i doubt i'm mature enough to handle those sorts of ultra serious feelings, as i've showcased in earlier relationships. but it made me wonder, will i get there? will i ever find someone that i can tell everything too? patton oswalt included in his stand-up something about his current (or then current) grrlfriend being the one that he told all of his deep, dark, scary secrets too. the weird stuff as well and how he never worried with her. i, on the other hand, could know someone for fifty years and still manage to keep secrets. that makes me the asshole. i am not nearly as assertive as i once thought, huh.
dribble.
at any rate, things are good. things, at times, are better than good. as for now, it's good. sustainable and more often then not wholly enjoyable. everyday i see friends, learn something new, feel loved. it's a good life, i just wish i would do more. make more. but that is my own fault and i apologize to anyone who has suffered through all of this whining. i've just been feeling whiney.
xoxo