Fic: For Love
This is my first attempt at BSG fic, please be nice. Its quite AU (deviates after Kara & Lee meet but before the mini). I know its a bit self indulgent, its just the mood I'm in right now. Please let me know if you're confused, I'm not really sure how much sense this makes if you don't already know what's going on. Anyway, on with the show.
For Love
Lee stood at the front of the temple and hated himself. It was his baby brother's wedding godsdammit, he should be happy. He needed to be happy for Zak. He was, when he concentrated hard on his brother’s face and forgot everything else. But then his concentration broke and Apollo stepped in, with his carefully neutral face. Behind the mask, Lee was screaming. Images flashed through his head, the last five years distilled into a few seconds. The crash, the hospital, the all-night vigils, the shared tears and comfort, all of it had lead to this.
Zak turned slightly and beamed at him and suddenly Lee couldn't breathe. He forced himself to smile back at his brother, fought to contain the scream echoing in his soul. He couldn't quite meet Zak’s eyes, but Zak was too full of nervous excitement to notice. Lee fixed on the chair instead and let familiar, bitter thoughts fill his mind. Zak wasn't the only one trapped by it. Kara had insisted on staying with Zak while he fought for his life, and soon she would be trapped for good. Kara would be trapped on the ground as well, guilt stopping her from taking a posting on a battlestar. Lee was trapped outside their little circle of domestic bliss. Trapped loving a women he could never have, feeling pain where there should have been joy. He could imagine his life from here on out, as Kara and Zak built a life together, raised a family. The thought of Zak’s child slowly swelling her belly was almost more than he could bear. Every family gathering Lee would be forced to watch Kara and Zak chase children with blond hair and blue eyes. Have to smile and congratulate and laugh when all he felt was this sharp ache deep in his chest. A quietly intense bond had grown between them over that stress-filled month when the doctors had kept saying Zak wouldn't make it another 24 hours, and Zak had kept turning them into liars. But he'd been too chicken shit to confront her about it, and it was almost too late now and he couldn't do anything to stop it. If Kara walked up that aisle and bound herself to his brother then there was no going back. But if he spoke up he would lose them both, and destroy their chances of happiness as well. Vaguely hysterically he wondered if this was always his place in the cycle of time, to love this woman beyond reason and never have her. Lee was desperately thinking about losing the rings when the music started.
Kara stepped into the doorway of the temple, and again Lee struggled to breathe. Gods she was beautiful. All the pain and sorrow melted away as she slowly made her way down the aisle. All he could see was Kara smiling at him and his heart beat painfully in his chest. Lee thought he was going to burst with love and joy. Her progress up the aisle was maddeningly slow, but Lee's eyes stayed locked to hers. Finally, she reached the front of the temple and Lee had to stop himself from reaching out.
She kept going.
One, two steps more, her eyes sliding in a smooth diagonal from Lee's gaze down to Zak's.
It took all of Lee’s self control to stay still and silent as reality crashed back in on him. Today, Kara would pledge herself to Zak, and Lee would stand and smile and quietly die inside. But for one unbearable moment, Lee had thought she was coming up that aisle for him. He couldn't stop the tears blurring his vision, he couldn't stop loving her more than he should, he couldn't stop his heart aching with loss so soon after it had been bursting with love. But he could stand and smile and help Zak slip the ring onto her finger when nerves and nerve damage conspired against him. For the happiness of the two people he loved most in all the worlds, he could sacrifice his own.
For Love
Lee stood at the front of the temple and hated himself. It was his baby brother's wedding godsdammit, he should be happy. He needed to be happy for Zak. He was, when he concentrated hard on his brother’s face and forgot everything else. But then his concentration broke and Apollo stepped in, with his carefully neutral face. Behind the mask, Lee was screaming. Images flashed through his head, the last five years distilled into a few seconds. The crash, the hospital, the all-night vigils, the shared tears and comfort, all of it had lead to this.
Zak turned slightly and beamed at him and suddenly Lee couldn't breathe. He forced himself to smile back at his brother, fought to contain the scream echoing in his soul. He couldn't quite meet Zak’s eyes, but Zak was too full of nervous excitement to notice. Lee fixed on the chair instead and let familiar, bitter thoughts fill his mind. Zak wasn't the only one trapped by it. Kara had insisted on staying with Zak while he fought for his life, and soon she would be trapped for good. Kara would be trapped on the ground as well, guilt stopping her from taking a posting on a battlestar. Lee was trapped outside their little circle of domestic bliss. Trapped loving a women he could never have, feeling pain where there should have been joy. He could imagine his life from here on out, as Kara and Zak built a life together, raised a family. The thought of Zak’s child slowly swelling her belly was almost more than he could bear. Every family gathering Lee would be forced to watch Kara and Zak chase children with blond hair and blue eyes. Have to smile and congratulate and laugh when all he felt was this sharp ache deep in his chest. A quietly intense bond had grown between them over that stress-filled month when the doctors had kept saying Zak wouldn't make it another 24 hours, and Zak had kept turning them into liars. But he'd been too chicken shit to confront her about it, and it was almost too late now and he couldn't do anything to stop it. If Kara walked up that aisle and bound herself to his brother then there was no going back. But if he spoke up he would lose them both, and destroy their chances of happiness as well. Vaguely hysterically he wondered if this was always his place in the cycle of time, to love this woman beyond reason and never have her. Lee was desperately thinking about losing the rings when the music started.
Kara stepped into the doorway of the temple, and again Lee struggled to breathe. Gods she was beautiful. All the pain and sorrow melted away as she slowly made her way down the aisle. All he could see was Kara smiling at him and his heart beat painfully in his chest. Lee thought he was going to burst with love and joy. Her progress up the aisle was maddeningly slow, but Lee's eyes stayed locked to hers. Finally, she reached the front of the temple and Lee had to stop himself from reaching out.
She kept going.
One, two steps more, her eyes sliding in a smooth diagonal from Lee's gaze down to Zak's.
It took all of Lee’s self control to stay still and silent as reality crashed back in on him. Today, Kara would pledge herself to Zak, and Lee would stand and smile and quietly die inside. But for one unbearable moment, Lee had thought she was coming up that aisle for him. He couldn't stop the tears blurring his vision, he couldn't stop loving her more than he should, he couldn't stop his heart aching with loss so soon after it had been bursting with love. But he could stand and smile and help Zak slip the ring onto her finger when nerves and nerve damage conspired against him. For the happiness of the two people he loved most in all the worlds, he could sacrifice his own.