Fake Plastic Love
I just want some comfort.
I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore. Where is this all trying to go? I’m just digging myself deeper in this hole and nothing seems to mend it. When I cry, I feel worse than I did initially. My mother’s gone completely insane and well; this whole fight has changed everything. She’s treating me more like shit than she already has been for the last four years and nothing will ever change. When you’re grounded, it really gives you time to think. How fucking horrible shit really is and how beautiful things should be. My life has never been beautiful and I know that, but I want to remove it from this horridly dark shadow. I don’t think I know what love is and what I thought was love was me seeking comfort and trying to make peace with myself. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made with that relationship. I did love him though; one way or another. I do love my mother but I shouldn’t have to convince myself of that even though I find myself doing it all the time. I’m just a lonely person looking for truths in all the wrong places. Expressing it in all the wrong mannerisms. I’m a mess. I feel like such a floater and that I have this extremely distorted sense of reality. Why do I ramble? It’s not like anyone cares enough to give a shit. I think that’s my problem; I care too much. I embrace too fully and love it to the point of pain. Why does it hurt so badly? I want to light me some incense. Maybe I deserve this.
I want to be happy again…
I don’t know what I’m doing with myself anymore. Where is this all trying to go? I’m just digging myself deeper in this hole and nothing seems to mend it. When I cry, I feel worse than I did initially. My mother’s gone completely insane and well; this whole fight has changed everything. She’s treating me more like shit than she already has been for the last four years and nothing will ever change. When you’re grounded, it really gives you time to think. How fucking horrible shit really is and how beautiful things should be. My life has never been beautiful and I know that, but I want to remove it from this horridly dark shadow. I don’t think I know what love is and what I thought was love was me seeking comfort and trying to make peace with myself. I’m sorry for the mistakes I’ve made with that relationship. I did love him though; one way or another. I do love my mother but I shouldn’t have to convince myself of that even though I find myself doing it all the time. I’m just a lonely person looking for truths in all the wrong places. Expressing it in all the wrong mannerisms. I’m a mess. I feel like such a floater and that I have this extremely distorted sense of reality. Why do I ramble? It’s not like anyone cares enough to give a shit. I think that’s my problem; I care too much. I embrace too fully and love it to the point of pain. Why does it hurt so badly? I want to light me some incense. Maybe I deserve this.
I want to be happy again…