Roots to Grow Part four
Part Four
“Yep…one of my best qualities…So, I’m all ears…”
Hutch rolled his eyes again and let out a deep breath.
“Went to medical school for three years but decided to put an end to it before things became worse…”
“Worse?” Starsky raised his brows. “What’s so bad about being a ‘well- paid’ doctor?”
He held the shelves around Hutch’s arm and began to wrap the bandages around it. Hutch suppressed a cry and turned his head to the side so Starsky couldn’t see some tears streaming down his cheeks.
‘Have to distract you somehow, keep you talking Hutch.’
And as if the man could read Starsky’s thoughts he began to talk in a low voice, first in harsh words, but then he talked his head off, as if someone had pulled a plug out of an overfull sea.
“Seeing all the people you couldn’t help no matter how hard you tried, that was worse. I worked in a social hospital, not the best place in Duluth. A lot of homeless people, criminals. They came into the ER, bloodied, with shattered bones, bullets in their bodies…crying for help and you did everything you could and they died in front of your eyes. I did what I could but it was never enough, I failed more than I won. My father was a doctor in the army. He told me that I wasn’t good enough in what I was doing; I had to work harder and stop being a softy .
‘I always have to make a conscious decision, but you, you always want to help all people. Help everyone. Then you have to learn to make a choice.. Some are not worth helping.’ Argh…Starsk…stop that! God!” Hutch stopped for a minute, holding his breath when the pain in his arm spiked again.
“Almost done…sorry…just…just a second.” Starsky pressed out, fighting with the bandages holding the shelves in place. “So your dad wanted you to be a tough guy?”
“Yeah…Think that was the reason why he forced me to go with him to Vietnam with his unit. To learn to be hard and to save people who are worth it. But…but I couldn’t do that, I saw so much blood and I… it almost broke my heart that I couldn’t already help the few people in the ER. How should I do it in a country where war ruled? What about the victims, the Vietnamese people?
My father called me a loser. I never could do anything right to him. He said that I was too weak, that I need to be strong, that my Country needs me and I have to learn to get my feelings under control and so on. He was more than mad, but I stayed at home in the hospital.”
He stopped for a while as if the memories were to strong.
‘Oh Blondie, your heart is bigger than the Rocky Mountains. And you’re so damn’ right with Vietnam…be glad that you were not there! Wonder what your father would tell you when he heard about you caring about a total stranger! You even risked your life to do justice to the demands of your father. But your father called you a Softy, a Loser... And nobody ever told you that you did the right thing and that you’re so damn good in what you’re doing.’
“But you can’t save everyone, Hutch!”
“But I wanted it…”
Hutch sighed deeply and continued.
“But things got worse…I…an addict attacked the ER, wanted some drugs. He had a gun and was shooting around erratically. I was standing beside a nurse; she made a move in my direction and she got hit in the belly. I…I really did everything I could…but she bled to death in my arms…I never forgot the look in her eyes. They were so full of hope; she trusted me, but I couldn’t help her. I had the chance but I failed again, as usual...” Hutch hissed out in pain when Starsky put the now splinted arm into a sling. “Jezz…Starsky that hurts…stop that, please!” He begged, feebly pushing him aside.
“Almost done…just a second…” Hurriedly Starsky adjusted the sling around Hutch’s neck. “What…what happened then, Hutch, huh? Tell me…”
It took Hutch some minutes to catch his breath, but eventually the pain abated and he went on with a husky voice.
“I stopped medical school and took a year of absence. Did some backpacking in Canada, went to Mexico, and saw some wonderful places, but…but all the time I felt…useless. I went back to Duluth, and my father tried to force me to go back to medical school but I couldn’t do it again, I told him that I wanted to leave Duluth and wanted to go to California to do something different. Something where I could help people in a better way…”
“And that was to become a cop?” Starsky asked in amusement. “Let me guess…he was anything but inspired?”
“He threw me out of the house.” Hutch said shortly. “I haven’t spoken to him since that day.”
“Oh…” Starsky kept silent for a moment. “So…why do you want to be a cop? Helping dealers, addicts, hookers before they end up in the morgue?”
“Maybe help them not to end up there in the first place…” Hutch met his eyes. “My father told me the same… ‘You won’t be able to save them! They are losers; they’re not worth helping. You’re too sensitive, and when it becomes difficult you always run away!’ he said, and he was right…I always run away…”
“But before you ran away you played superman and risked your life! You didn’t run away when I needed your help…” Starsky said quietly glancing at him, his deep blue eyes full of understanding. “And you didn’t run away when Jack or Mara needed your help… You did everything you could, you were always there… I saw you fighting with Mayers…without you three people would be dead, it’s that simple!”
“No, it’s not that simple…My father said caring for someone distracts you from your work. Makes it so you can’t focus anymore.”
”So what’s wrong about showing feelings?”
“You’re vulnerable when you do it, and you never know if the people you’re caring about will kick you in the ass some time later.” He whispered.
“Well I don’t know if my useless life is worth enough that you saved it, but it was definitely good that you showed your feelings when you hit Jenkins! And I wouldn’t have kicked your ass unless you had fallen down that rock…And what you performed on Mara…well I guess that wasn’t that bad. So forget the crap about being a Loser and too weak!”
“Well, I broke my wrist when I hit Jenkins, but that was worst of the trouble!” Hutch smiled shyly. “Has anybody told you that you’re a damn good listener?”
Starsky blushed.
“Uh no…ah…so how do you feel…what about your arm?” He asked him, trying to change the subject.
“Feels broken, and as you said, hurts like hell…” Hutch looked down at his splinted arm. “You did a good job. Maybe you should become a doctor!”
Starsky shook his head vehemently. “Oh no, thank you, that would be your department! So, what shall we do now? Leave Jack and Mara alone? You were the one who trusted Jack first!”
Starsky climbed to his feet and limped over to the door to find it locked. So he walked over to the small window and looked out.
“And I still think he told Mayers the truth! But now we don’t have to react rashly. There are three goons, well-armed and we’re both hurt. So how do you think we should attack them? Perhaps we can convince them to let us all go…”
“You better come up with something better and very fast.” Starsky cut him of sharply. “We got company. You have got any weapons?” And without waiting for an answer he searched through a rack and found a bolt cutter. He rushed back to Hutch, pressed him to the ground and threw himself beside him.
“Don’t do anything stupid, Starsk…” Hutch murmured.
“Do I ever?!”
“During the last thirty minutes…no.”
“Then it’s time now. We’ve got surprise on our side; just play your part, okay?”
Hutch looked at him in disbelief.
“What part?”
“’Sleeping Beauty’, dummy.” Starsky explained impatiently. “Now keep quiet, will ya’?”
End Part Four
Part Five is here
http://muckel1470.livejournal.com/1978.html
“Yep…one of my best qualities…So, I’m all ears…”
Hutch rolled his eyes again and let out a deep breath.
“Went to medical school for three years but decided to put an end to it before things became worse…”
“Worse?” Starsky raised his brows. “What’s so bad about being a ‘well- paid’ doctor?”
He held the shelves around Hutch’s arm and began to wrap the bandages around it. Hutch suppressed a cry and turned his head to the side so Starsky couldn’t see some tears streaming down his cheeks.
‘Have to distract you somehow, keep you talking Hutch.’
And as if the man could read Starsky’s thoughts he began to talk in a low voice, first in harsh words, but then he talked his head off, as if someone had pulled a plug out of an overfull sea.
“Seeing all the people you couldn’t help no matter how hard you tried, that was worse. I worked in a social hospital, not the best place in Duluth. A lot of homeless people, criminals. They came into the ER, bloodied, with shattered bones, bullets in their bodies…crying for help and you did everything you could and they died in front of your eyes. I did what I could but it was never enough, I failed more than I won. My father was a doctor in the army. He told me that I wasn’t good enough in what I was doing; I had to work harder and stop being a softy .
‘I always have to make a conscious decision, but you, you always want to help all people. Help everyone. Then you have to learn to make a choice.. Some are not worth helping.’ Argh…Starsk…stop that! God!” Hutch stopped for a minute, holding his breath when the pain in his arm spiked again.
“Almost done…sorry…just…just a second.” Starsky pressed out, fighting with the bandages holding the shelves in place. “So your dad wanted you to be a tough guy?”
“Yeah…Think that was the reason why he forced me to go with him to Vietnam with his unit. To learn to be hard and to save people who are worth it. But…but I couldn’t do that, I saw so much blood and I… it almost broke my heart that I couldn’t already help the few people in the ER. How should I do it in a country where war ruled? What about the victims, the Vietnamese people?
My father called me a loser. I never could do anything right to him. He said that I was too weak, that I need to be strong, that my Country needs me and I have to learn to get my feelings under control and so on. He was more than mad, but I stayed at home in the hospital.”
He stopped for a while as if the memories were to strong.
‘Oh Blondie, your heart is bigger than the Rocky Mountains. And you’re so damn’ right with Vietnam…be glad that you were not there! Wonder what your father would tell you when he heard about you caring about a total stranger! You even risked your life to do justice to the demands of your father. But your father called you a Softy, a Loser... And nobody ever told you that you did the right thing and that you’re so damn good in what you’re doing.’
“But you can’t save everyone, Hutch!”
“But I wanted it…”
Hutch sighed deeply and continued.
“But things got worse…I…an addict attacked the ER, wanted some drugs. He had a gun and was shooting around erratically. I was standing beside a nurse; she made a move in my direction and she got hit in the belly. I…I really did everything I could…but she bled to death in my arms…I never forgot the look in her eyes. They were so full of hope; she trusted me, but I couldn’t help her. I had the chance but I failed again, as usual...” Hutch hissed out in pain when Starsky put the now splinted arm into a sling. “Jezz…Starsky that hurts…stop that, please!” He begged, feebly pushing him aside.
“Almost done…just a second…” Hurriedly Starsky adjusted the sling around Hutch’s neck. “What…what happened then, Hutch, huh? Tell me…”
It took Hutch some minutes to catch his breath, but eventually the pain abated and he went on with a husky voice.
“I stopped medical school and took a year of absence. Did some backpacking in Canada, went to Mexico, and saw some wonderful places, but…but all the time I felt…useless. I went back to Duluth, and my father tried to force me to go back to medical school but I couldn’t do it again, I told him that I wanted to leave Duluth and wanted to go to California to do something different. Something where I could help people in a better way…”
“And that was to become a cop?” Starsky asked in amusement. “Let me guess…he was anything but inspired?”
“He threw me out of the house.” Hutch said shortly. “I haven’t spoken to him since that day.”
“Oh…” Starsky kept silent for a moment. “So…why do you want to be a cop? Helping dealers, addicts, hookers before they end up in the morgue?”
“Maybe help them not to end up there in the first place…” Hutch met his eyes. “My father told me the same… ‘You won’t be able to save them! They are losers; they’re not worth helping. You’re too sensitive, and when it becomes difficult you always run away!’ he said, and he was right…I always run away…”
“But before you ran away you played superman and risked your life! You didn’t run away when I needed your help…” Starsky said quietly glancing at him, his deep blue eyes full of understanding. “And you didn’t run away when Jack or Mara needed your help… You did everything you could, you were always there… I saw you fighting with Mayers…without you three people would be dead, it’s that simple!”
“No, it’s not that simple…My father said caring for someone distracts you from your work. Makes it so you can’t focus anymore.”
”So what’s wrong about showing feelings?”
“You’re vulnerable when you do it, and you never know if the people you’re caring about will kick you in the ass some time later.” He whispered.
“Well I don’t know if my useless life is worth enough that you saved it, but it was definitely good that you showed your feelings when you hit Jenkins! And I wouldn’t have kicked your ass unless you had fallen down that rock…And what you performed on Mara…well I guess that wasn’t that bad. So forget the crap about being a Loser and too weak!”
“Well, I broke my wrist when I hit Jenkins, but that was worst of the trouble!” Hutch smiled shyly. “Has anybody told you that you’re a damn good listener?”
Starsky blushed.
“Uh no…ah…so how do you feel…what about your arm?” He asked him, trying to change the subject.
“Feels broken, and as you said, hurts like hell…” Hutch looked down at his splinted arm. “You did a good job. Maybe you should become a doctor!”
Starsky shook his head vehemently. “Oh no, thank you, that would be your department! So, what shall we do now? Leave Jack and Mara alone? You were the one who trusted Jack first!”
Starsky climbed to his feet and limped over to the door to find it locked. So he walked over to the small window and looked out.
“And I still think he told Mayers the truth! But now we don’t have to react rashly. There are three goons, well-armed and we’re both hurt. So how do you think we should attack them? Perhaps we can convince them to let us all go…”
“You better come up with something better and very fast.” Starsky cut him of sharply. “We got company. You have got any weapons?” And without waiting for an answer he searched through a rack and found a bolt cutter. He rushed back to Hutch, pressed him to the ground and threw himself beside him.
“Don’t do anything stupid, Starsk…” Hutch murmured.
“Do I ever?!”
“During the last thirty minutes…no.”
“Then it’s time now. We’ve got surprise on our side; just play your part, okay?”
Hutch looked at him in disbelief.
“What part?”
“’Sleeping Beauty’, dummy.” Starsky explained impatiently. “Now keep quiet, will ya’?”
End Part Four
Part Five is here
http://muckel1470.livejournal.com/1978.html