i'm going to start charging royalties
a friend i picked up a year ago (not only because she seemed really cool online *AND* in person, but because she's also in thick with other cool people i adore and love, so she came pre-vouched-for, so to speak) is currently working through some important life stuff of her own, and last night she made a filtered post that matthew called me to see, once he was done giggling.
see, she had, all completely unprovoked and everything, used the terms "congruent" and "transparent", in the same sentence even.
i'm not gonna say it's all my doing or anything (and matthew certainly scoffed at me when i grinned and said, "ahh, my work here is done", because ghods know, especially after this weekend it has become painfully clear that my work here has barely begun). but i have to say, there's a certain kind of rush when i see disparate people on my friends list posting about their own internal processings and inner workings. we're all well on our way to a shared lexicon that, if it continues to ripple out to other people the way it has rippled through us, can only make things better for everyone around us, right?
yes, well, then, in the spirit of inner workings, i must go beat my head against a wall in order to quiet the inner weasels, who managed to get the better of me yet again this weekend, and succeeded in blowing what could have otherwise been a much different, potentially far more fun, weekend. suffice to say, today is a much better day for asking me about wedding plans than yesterday would have been... 'nuff said.
i'm glad matthew himself said that there would be no quick fixes for the process i'm trying to change, because, ultimately, they're so bloody ingrained that i still can't identify the warning signs in time to stop them *before* they roll out, and once i realize i'm in them, it takes a while for me to convince myself to stop them.
it's still all about being entrenched in the short-term desires, the "i want what i want" reactions, and working towards those even if i *know* they are completely incongruent with current arrangements and agreements. i behave opaquely, not transparently, and i still try and foist the "blame" off on anyone but me... and usually this means targeting matthew with the massive Weasel Fire Power. ummm... not so much with the "effective ownership of my own shite", there. ergo, i got focused on something i knew i couldn't have, blamed matthew for not letting me have what i wanted (when, in fact, the prohibition is a joint decision), went into a punitive disengagement mode, and just generally got pissy.
we talked about stuff on sunday when we got home - matthew brought his concerns to the table, and i acknowledged them all as valid, owned my responsibility for them, and apologized, because i felt the situation was worthy of actually saying the words, "I'm sorry for...". we hit a brutal speedbump thereafter, because when faced with me putting my feelings on the table, matthew in essence got up and walked away (i haven't been so white-hot furious since a long-ago sunday morning public row with brock that almost saw me swing a frying pan of hot bacon grease at him). it took me five hours to get the fury under control and be able to unstep the emotional response from the baggage from the actual issues i had with *matthew*, and be able to bring the issues to him directly. we talked, i felt i was heard, he stayed present and i feel he understood why i'd gotten so unspeakably angry, and we made up with a sweet chili chicken thai pizza and the 3rd Harry Potter movie.
but it was still a sucky way to lose the bulk of a weekend. he deals with his anger a whole lot better than i do. but on the upside, that time i spent cooling off i also spent focusing intently on the Magnum Opus Cloak, and finally managed to finish the last segment of the first band of of the first rock-face. so there was creative productivity, bought from the need to spend four and a half hours talking myself down from homicidal rage.
we're better today, really we are.
matthew made a comment last night that the loops are getting smaller: the time it takes to trigger the negative patterns, enact the associated behaviours, *recognize* the patterns for what they are, start to unstep them, and discuss the outcome like responsible, rational adults, is getting shorter, as is our ability to stay present and own up to stuff in those aftermath discussions. i'm glad that they're getting shorter. i'm not happy that they seem to be getting more intense in my head as a result. i understand *why* - because i'm fighting myself now, actively struggling against the weasels, and struggling with the overflow that externalizes that anger and frustration at matthew. but this level of intensity, even in the short term, is not sustainable for me (and i doubt it's sustainable for matthew).
it drives home the fact that i have to get rid of my inner six year old, or at least be able to bring her to the surface and *say*, "i want what i want, and i know i'm acting towards that want", before the subconscious actions trigger all the weasels, and everything goes to hell in an armed-to-the-teeth handbasket.
i don't know why it's so hard to do. that's a lie, i know exactly why saying "i want what i want" is hard, especially when what i want is something i know i cannot have. i know i'm going to get turned down, and in all likelihood, i'm going to be reminded that the prohibitions are partially my own doing, ergo i have myself to blame. i don't want to hear that i can't have what i want, and i don't want to hear that it's my "fault", or whatever. i don't want to be vulnerable in the first place, and i don't want to acknowledge that my own prior actions are immediately responsible for my current situation.
that's a lot of "don't wants" there. on a better day (as demonstrated in the roadmap posts), i *can* replace those with a list of things i *do* want, that i value highly enough to modify my patterns to achieve. but i'm still stinging a bit from the weekend, both my actions and matthew's. as we noted last night, there's a huge difference between being able to say, "I forgive you", and mean it, and perhaps the more honest statement of, "I'm trying to forgive you." today, i'm trying to forgive myself as much as anything else.
we get better, in small steps and one day at a time.
see, she had, all completely unprovoked and everything, used the terms "congruent" and "transparent", in the same sentence even.
i'm not gonna say it's all my doing or anything (and matthew certainly scoffed at me when i grinned and said, "ahh, my work here is done", because ghods know, especially after this weekend it has become painfully clear that my work here has barely begun). but i have to say, there's a certain kind of rush when i see disparate people on my friends list posting about their own internal processings and inner workings. we're all well on our way to a shared lexicon that, if it continues to ripple out to other people the way it has rippled through us, can only make things better for everyone around us, right?
yes, well, then, in the spirit of inner workings, i must go beat my head against a wall in order to quiet the inner weasels, who managed to get the better of me yet again this weekend, and succeeded in blowing what could have otherwise been a much different, potentially far more fun, weekend. suffice to say, today is a much better day for asking me about wedding plans than yesterday would have been... 'nuff said.
i'm glad matthew himself said that there would be no quick fixes for the process i'm trying to change, because, ultimately, they're so bloody ingrained that i still can't identify the warning signs in time to stop them *before* they roll out, and once i realize i'm in them, it takes a while for me to convince myself to stop them.
it's still all about being entrenched in the short-term desires, the "i want what i want" reactions, and working towards those even if i *know* they are completely incongruent with current arrangements and agreements. i behave opaquely, not transparently, and i still try and foist the "blame" off on anyone but me... and usually this means targeting matthew with the massive Weasel Fire Power. ummm... not so much with the "effective ownership of my own shite", there. ergo, i got focused on something i knew i couldn't have, blamed matthew for not letting me have what i wanted (when, in fact, the prohibition is a joint decision), went into a punitive disengagement mode, and just generally got pissy.
we talked about stuff on sunday when we got home - matthew brought his concerns to the table, and i acknowledged them all as valid, owned my responsibility for them, and apologized, because i felt the situation was worthy of actually saying the words, "I'm sorry for...". we hit a brutal speedbump thereafter, because when faced with me putting my feelings on the table, matthew in essence got up and walked away (i haven't been so white-hot furious since a long-ago sunday morning public row with brock that almost saw me swing a frying pan of hot bacon grease at him). it took me five hours to get the fury under control and be able to unstep the emotional response from the baggage from the actual issues i had with *matthew*, and be able to bring the issues to him directly. we talked, i felt i was heard, he stayed present and i feel he understood why i'd gotten so unspeakably angry, and we made up with a sweet chili chicken thai pizza and the 3rd Harry Potter movie.
but it was still a sucky way to lose the bulk of a weekend. he deals with his anger a whole lot better than i do. but on the upside, that time i spent cooling off i also spent focusing intently on the Magnum Opus Cloak, and finally managed to finish the last segment of the first band of of the first rock-face. so there was creative productivity, bought from the need to spend four and a half hours talking myself down from homicidal rage.
we're better today, really we are.
matthew made a comment last night that the loops are getting smaller: the time it takes to trigger the negative patterns, enact the associated behaviours, *recognize* the patterns for what they are, start to unstep them, and discuss the outcome like responsible, rational adults, is getting shorter, as is our ability to stay present and own up to stuff in those aftermath discussions. i'm glad that they're getting shorter. i'm not happy that they seem to be getting more intense in my head as a result. i understand *why* - because i'm fighting myself now, actively struggling against the weasels, and struggling with the overflow that externalizes that anger and frustration at matthew. but this level of intensity, even in the short term, is not sustainable for me (and i doubt it's sustainable for matthew).
it drives home the fact that i have to get rid of my inner six year old, or at least be able to bring her to the surface and *say*, "i want what i want, and i know i'm acting towards that want", before the subconscious actions trigger all the weasels, and everything goes to hell in an armed-to-the-teeth handbasket.
i don't know why it's so hard to do. that's a lie, i know exactly why saying "i want what i want" is hard, especially when what i want is something i know i cannot have. i know i'm going to get turned down, and in all likelihood, i'm going to be reminded that the prohibitions are partially my own doing, ergo i have myself to blame. i don't want to hear that i can't have what i want, and i don't want to hear that it's my "fault", or whatever. i don't want to be vulnerable in the first place, and i don't want to acknowledge that my own prior actions are immediately responsible for my current situation.
that's a lot of "don't wants" there. on a better day (as demonstrated in the roadmap posts), i *can* replace those with a list of things i *do* want, that i value highly enough to modify my patterns to achieve. but i'm still stinging a bit from the weekend, both my actions and matthew's. as we noted last night, there's a huge difference between being able to say, "I forgive you", and mean it, and perhaps the more honest statement of, "I'm trying to forgive you." today, i'm trying to forgive myself as much as anything else.
we get better, in small steps and one day at a time.