Nothing ventured, nothing gained
Last night on Gloria's recommendation, I attended a special seminar given by the woman who usually presents the Mastery of Self-Expression workshops, on "Happiness: It Isn't What You Think". Except that it totally was, and while it's always nice to have what you've been/are doing validated by finding others who think/do things similarly to oneself, I'm reasonably glad I didn't have to pay for two+ hours of being told what I already knew, often in far more detail or personal application than permitted by the presentation format.
There were some new things to come out of the presentation, like learning the difference between hedonistic happiness and eudaimonic happiness (and the Learning Geek in me is, today, all over the initial research into both concepts, and I'm dragging dicea along for the ride, because she apparently likes it when I make her have to resort to dictionaries :). I am, and have always been, a hedonist. Shorter-term, higher-impact, harder-to-keep-renewing sensual pleasures that often originate from sources external to myself. The shift into eudaimonic well-being is the process that began with recognizing my unhappiness with Brock and blossomed into the growth period starting with J and still kicking my arse today. Read the Wikipedia article on the philosophical roots of eudaimonia at your own risk; it's meaty. The important part of the article for my purposes is as follows:
Eudaimonia and modern Psychology
Models of eudaimonia in psychology emerged out of early work on self-realization and the means of its accomplishment by researchers such as Erikson, Allport, and Maslow.[11] Ryff identified the distinction between eudaimonia and hedonic wellbeing, and, a six-factor structure based on the Aristotelian emphasis on the qualities of belonging and benefiting others, flourishing, thriving and exercising excellence:
* Autonomy
* Personal growth
* Self-acceptance
* Purpose in life
* Environmental mastery
* Positive relations with others.
Last night's speaker distilled her own research down into five main areas of concentration for people who want to increase their personal sense of eudaimonic happiness and well-being:
5. Live in accordance with your personal values. (Pros: decision-making process are far more effective and results more sustainable when you use acknowledged values to drive decisions; cons: most people can't consciously identify and articulate their own personal values, though emotional reactivity lets them know when subconscious values are being challenged.)
4. Expand your time (mindfulness and focusing more on the here-and-now, breathing deeply and consciously and slowly, making time for things that are in accordance with values. This part was a little handwavium in explaining specific methodologies, so I'm glad many years of Buddhist teachings had already underpinned the message here.)
3. Heal your relationships. Best line of the night: "Retaining resentment is like ingesting poison and expecting OTHER PEOPLE to die." Even if the relationship you most need to heal is within yourself, there's a lot of ground to gain from (a) releasing resentment, or (b) exonerating/forgiving those against whom you've been holding grudges/resentment/anger/hurt/etc. Other people may exhibit toxic behaviours, but it's how we individually internalize that toxicity that really does us in and obstructs our paths to well-being.
2. Embrace suffering. Avoiding suffering and pain doesn't make it go away. Clinging to things that used to bring us happiness only leads to fear of the potential loss of those crutches, and increases our need to control them, which sets toxic and destructive cycles in motion. Sometimes the only way out is to let go and push through ("leaning into the sharp things" all the way along, as Pema Chodron would say.)
1. Growth and risk. Stuckness and stagnation because we're too afraid of change, or pain, or loss and grief, are what keep us trapped in unhappiness or consistently hedonistic reactive cycles. We experience "hedonistic adaptation", like a drug's addictive properties, where we need more and more stimulation from outside to feel the same sense of perceived happiness (more of the drug, more feedback from our environment, more acquisitions, more whatever), and on the downside of that spiral, we feel exhausted because we are constantly chasing the next hedonic hit with one hand while the other fights to keep change and risk and fear and growth at bay.
The other great quote of the night, I forget the attribution, was, "Life is like photography - use the negative to develop.". That has always been a key component for me, finding the aspects of myself that don't sit right within the framework of my identified values, and developing my understanding of where those errant blocks come from, where they *do* fit, whether or not they can be trimmed to fit or whether they can be jettisoned completely if their purpose has been outlived.
The upshot of both the seminar and the cogitations and ruminations afterward is that, when I look at it, I am not UNhappy. What I am, I think, is mired in a can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees state that results from the perpetual instability of striving to live an active life with an actively-working-and-mostly-consciously-actualized intimate relationship while simultaneously battling against a whole host of legacy behavioural patterns and ineffective coping mechanisms. I live in fear of loss and grief, yet every day I set out to do exactly those things that provoke those fears. No wonder I'm freakishly exhausted in the self-perpetuating cycle of stress-induced poor sleep.
And no wonder I can't always (or even often) recognize my own happiness when I'm being swamped by pervading waves of Fear Bunnies. At one point last evening while pondering something the speaker had said, it occurred to me that the choice to live as actively consciously as possible - to experience what I can whether it brings the fear or not, and to sit with the outcomes of those choices no matter what they are, owning what is mine and releasing what is not - that kind of walking deliberately into the fire, or the lion's jaws, is in and of itself a fierce kind of joy. It doesn't always make me *happy*, per se, but welcoming the pain and knowing there is growth in the process is certainly something.
I also had time to reflect on the linguistics, the lexiconical issue that brings me back to the questions with which the speaker started off the evening: What IS happiness? What does it feel like? Part of the problem with language is that when there are many words associated with similar experiences, it can be hard to find a particular meaning to go with one particular word. (Matthew and I, and more recently 'dicea and I, often go round and round in explorations of how we use a word very differently; it's great fun, though much easier done sitting next to each other in the same car or on the same sofa than when separated by distance and limited to flat text :). I make a distinction between contentment and happiness: I strive for one because it conveys an innate implication of balance or harmony (but not happiness, in my lexicon), but I avoid the other because experience has taught me that happiness is a fragile and fleeting state often predicating the abrupt tumble from that high estate into something far less enjoyable, often much darker... and the hedonist in me would rather cling to the high bright state in any way than face that tumble, so if I can't control everything sufficiently to guarantee perpetual "happiness", I avoid the risk of pain and loss by trying to stay off the pedestal.
(And here is the sneaky tie-in to why I approach relationships the way I do, namely actively avoiding falling in love with people by selecting the unavailable types, or being myself unavailable; it's part of the avoidance tactics that are my principle coping mechanism for dealing with that fear of loss. So there you go; personal and relevant application of my own noodlings; yeah, I know... I can see your Surprise Faces from here :)
But I CAN identify experiences that fit "joy", "delight", "glee", "peace", and a bunch of other happiness synonyms. They are equally transient in nature, and mostly not at all avoided, though I wouldn't have said I active go looking for most of them either, not the way we are conditioned to seek happiness. Maybe the difference there, for myself, is that "happiness" is something we're taught to pursue, and since I don't pursue it, it's not what I experience (or expect to experience). But I do have very positive experiences that occur in the moment and are appreciated as such. I laugh aloud, I smile, I get playful, I feel light, I breathe easier... someone else might label such moments "happiness" and not be wrong. I'll spend a while rolling that concept around in my head and see how it fits.
I went looking for this poem this morning. There had been a brief reference to it last night but the speaker couldn't remember the poem nor the content well enough to bring it entirely into the presentation. Whether this is the one she had meant or not, it's a powerful meditation on the idea of making peace with ourselves as part of removing the obstructions between ourselves and our perception of happiness. It's as good a note as any on which to end this post, so here you go :)
The Guest House ~ Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
There were some new things to come out of the presentation, like learning the difference between hedonistic happiness and eudaimonic happiness (and the Learning Geek in me is, today, all over the initial research into both concepts, and I'm dragging dicea along for the ride, because she apparently likes it when I make her have to resort to dictionaries :). I am, and have always been, a hedonist. Shorter-term, higher-impact, harder-to-keep-renewing sensual pleasures that often originate from sources external to myself. The shift into eudaimonic well-being is the process that began with recognizing my unhappiness with Brock and blossomed into the growth period starting with J and still kicking my arse today. Read the Wikipedia article on the philosophical roots of eudaimonia at your own risk; it's meaty. The important part of the article for my purposes is as follows:
Eudaimonia and modern Psychology
Models of eudaimonia in psychology emerged out of early work on self-realization and the means of its accomplishment by researchers such as Erikson, Allport, and Maslow.[11] Ryff identified the distinction between eudaimonia and hedonic wellbeing, and, a six-factor structure based on the Aristotelian emphasis on the qualities of belonging and benefiting others, flourishing, thriving and exercising excellence:
* Autonomy
* Personal growth
* Self-acceptance
* Purpose in life
* Environmental mastery
* Positive relations with others.
Last night's speaker distilled her own research down into five main areas of concentration for people who want to increase their personal sense of eudaimonic happiness and well-being:
5. Live in accordance with your personal values. (Pros: decision-making process are far more effective and results more sustainable when you use acknowledged values to drive decisions; cons: most people can't consciously identify and articulate their own personal values, though emotional reactivity lets them know when subconscious values are being challenged.)
4. Expand your time (mindfulness and focusing more on the here-and-now, breathing deeply and consciously and slowly, making time for things that are in accordance with values. This part was a little handwavium in explaining specific methodologies, so I'm glad many years of Buddhist teachings had already underpinned the message here.)
3. Heal your relationships. Best line of the night: "Retaining resentment is like ingesting poison and expecting OTHER PEOPLE to die." Even if the relationship you most need to heal is within yourself, there's a lot of ground to gain from (a) releasing resentment, or (b) exonerating/forgiving those against whom you've been holding grudges/resentment/anger/hurt/etc. Other people may exhibit toxic behaviours, but it's how we individually internalize that toxicity that really does us in and obstructs our paths to well-being.
2. Embrace suffering. Avoiding suffering and pain doesn't make it go away. Clinging to things that used to bring us happiness only leads to fear of the potential loss of those crutches, and increases our need to control them, which sets toxic and destructive cycles in motion. Sometimes the only way out is to let go and push through ("leaning into the sharp things" all the way along, as Pema Chodron would say.)
1. Growth and risk. Stuckness and stagnation because we're too afraid of change, or pain, or loss and grief, are what keep us trapped in unhappiness or consistently hedonistic reactive cycles. We experience "hedonistic adaptation", like a drug's addictive properties, where we need more and more stimulation from outside to feel the same sense of perceived happiness (more of the drug, more feedback from our environment, more acquisitions, more whatever), and on the downside of that spiral, we feel exhausted because we are constantly chasing the next hedonic hit with one hand while the other fights to keep change and risk and fear and growth at bay.
The other great quote of the night, I forget the attribution, was, "Life is like photography - use the negative to develop.". That has always been a key component for me, finding the aspects of myself that don't sit right within the framework of my identified values, and developing my understanding of where those errant blocks come from, where they *do* fit, whether or not they can be trimmed to fit or whether they can be jettisoned completely if their purpose has been outlived.
The upshot of both the seminar and the cogitations and ruminations afterward is that, when I look at it, I am not UNhappy. What I am, I think, is mired in a can't-see-the-forest-for-the-trees state that results from the perpetual instability of striving to live an active life with an actively-working-and-mostly-consciously-actualized intimate relationship while simultaneously battling against a whole host of legacy behavioural patterns and ineffective coping mechanisms. I live in fear of loss and grief, yet every day I set out to do exactly those things that provoke those fears. No wonder I'm freakishly exhausted in the self-perpetuating cycle of stress-induced poor sleep.
And no wonder I can't always (or even often) recognize my own happiness when I'm being swamped by pervading waves of Fear Bunnies. At one point last evening while pondering something the speaker had said, it occurred to me that the choice to live as actively consciously as possible - to experience what I can whether it brings the fear or not, and to sit with the outcomes of those choices no matter what they are, owning what is mine and releasing what is not - that kind of walking deliberately into the fire, or the lion's jaws, is in and of itself a fierce kind of joy. It doesn't always make me *happy*, per se, but welcoming the pain and knowing there is growth in the process is certainly something.
I also had time to reflect on the linguistics, the lexiconical issue that brings me back to the questions with which the speaker started off the evening: What IS happiness? What does it feel like? Part of the problem with language is that when there are many words associated with similar experiences, it can be hard to find a particular meaning to go with one particular word. (Matthew and I, and more recently 'dicea and I, often go round and round in explorations of how we use a word very differently; it's great fun, though much easier done sitting next to each other in the same car or on the same sofa than when separated by distance and limited to flat text :). I make a distinction between contentment and happiness: I strive for one because it conveys an innate implication of balance or harmony (but not happiness, in my lexicon), but I avoid the other because experience has taught me that happiness is a fragile and fleeting state often predicating the abrupt tumble from that high estate into something far less enjoyable, often much darker... and the hedonist in me would rather cling to the high bright state in any way than face that tumble, so if I can't control everything sufficiently to guarantee perpetual "happiness", I avoid the risk of pain and loss by trying to stay off the pedestal.
(And here is the sneaky tie-in to why I approach relationships the way I do, namely actively avoiding falling in love with people by selecting the unavailable types, or being myself unavailable; it's part of the avoidance tactics that are my principle coping mechanism for dealing with that fear of loss. So there you go; personal and relevant application of my own noodlings; yeah, I know... I can see your Surprise Faces from here :)
But I CAN identify experiences that fit "joy", "delight", "glee", "peace", and a bunch of other happiness synonyms. They are equally transient in nature, and mostly not at all avoided, though I wouldn't have said I active go looking for most of them either, not the way we are conditioned to seek happiness. Maybe the difference there, for myself, is that "happiness" is something we're taught to pursue, and since I don't pursue it, it's not what I experience (or expect to experience). But I do have very positive experiences that occur in the moment and are appreciated as such. I laugh aloud, I smile, I get playful, I feel light, I breathe easier... someone else might label such moments "happiness" and not be wrong. I'll spend a while rolling that concept around in my head and see how it fits.
I went looking for this poem this morning. There had been a brief reference to it last night but the speaker couldn't remember the poem nor the content well enough to bring it entirely into the presentation. Whether this is the one she had meant or not, it's a powerful meditation on the idea of making peace with ourselves as part of removing the obstructions between ourselves and our perception of happiness. It's as good a note as any on which to end this post, so here you go :)
The Guest House ~ Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.