it's kind of like entitlement, in its own way

[much_ado]

this concept came up for me again recently in two unrelated-to-each-other and unrelated-to-me contexts, which has become a kind of "no-really-i-don't-make-this-shite-up" benchmark for me. and when it shows up in both school textbooks and as a subplot on QAF, i know we've hit the big time

Comments

[mzrowan]

Great post, as usual. ;-)

I have one quibble, though, which is that the wording implies a binary situation: that needs are either met or unmet. I think that view is also a part of the problem you are describing: "If my needs weren't met in their entirety, then they weren't met at all, and I was treated [insert negative adjective here]". I believe that the more a person recognizes that needs can be partially met, the happier they are.

[much_ado]

one quibble, though, which is that the wording implies a binary situation

i totally agree that need meeting (or perception of same) *shouldn't* be treated as a binary state, though for relationships in crisis, failure to meet even one core need often snowballs catastrophically into a failure (or perception of same) to meet *all* needs. i find this to be especially true where the Need Fail Crisis touches on the perceiver's sense of value or self-worth in the relationship in general and situation in specific.

and not everyone is consciously aware of the potential to look (or comfortable with the idea of looking) at partial solutions.

but if i took the time to get into all of that on top of the post's initial general thematic idea, i'd be writing a book manuscript instead of an LJ post ;-)

[lapsedagnostic]

I think that there are several elements you could touch on in this post, and I'm assuming that when you say relationship, you mean capital R Relationship

[much_ado]

there are a LOT of things i could have touched on, it's true, but as i point out to rowan above, if i got into all of them, i might as well write a book manuscript and not an LJ post.

and no, this process isn't limited *strictly* to capital-R Relationships, that's just the context in which i have experienced it and witnessed it most directly and consistently. you do raise a good point about communicating needs priority before a crisis occurs; it has been my experience (and i suspect yours as well), however, that crises more often occur because something triggers the emotional super nova *before* a need has been effectively self-identified, let alone effectively communicated to another, in the "huh, i didn't know this was important to me, but apparently it is" vein of things.

and i totally agree with your last point; that's what i meant by the last line of the post, about *how* balance is restored being a good indicator of the relationship going forward.

[witchicist]

I think I've run into this more in friendships than in cap-R relationships, actually. I had a number of friendships where I found myself paralyzed by the fear of being insensitive... tending to lead to a situation where I was trying to let the other person's needs/fears drive my actions. My own main need was to figure out their needs well enough to not bring that accusation on myself. It never has worked out all that well, since in this particular situation, nobody's needs were getting met.

I think what I'm driving at here is the possibility that, even after considering your needs, the other person might not be ABLE to meet them, whether they are deliberately elevating their own or not. Does that make sense?

[locus_ofcontrol]

As always, I wonder why we don't teach the definition of and communication of same, needs in grade school!