my heart has a hurt
I have been doing pretty good since the break up but....... yeah... it is pretty amazing compared to my last breakup.... holy crap.......
I just removed him as a friend on facebook but accidentally went to his profile page....... just seeing a picture of him made my heart jump and my stomach lurch..... I miss him...... this is the first time I wish we were back together........of course, this isn't anything serious... there is absolutely no way-unless a miracle from God happens :S -that we would get together again! Why? Because the things we want in the future are really different....... he wants kids, I don't know if I want kids...I'd like to have the option not to have them..... I believe you don't choose your sexuality......I believe in supporting your spouse come hell or high waters---you don't leave them hanging out to dry....if someone physically/verbally/mentally/whatever hurts you, you be there for them!!! You don't worry about what it does to your friendship with the attacker!!! ...... I want a protector...... I want to protect them too......
I want to go to sleep without curling up in the fetal position every night..... my body is trying to protect my heart..... it has had enough hurt.....
I just need to be more confident.... and more matured..... and less ridiculous.... blah blah blah.....
I am working three jobs...two of which I get paid for.... the other is volunteer...... I don't want to grow up..... you have no time to live....
Things could be a whole freaking lot worse.... I am VEEERY blessed to have food in my tummy, clothes on my back, roof over my head, my medications (LOL ), a car to drive myself places...... sigh... ... I is just feeling stressed..... and lonely.....veeery lonely...... *watches as people sneak away*.....NO NO! not THAT kind of lonely!!! Jeez! you sick people!!!........nyuck nyuck.....
nah.... I just miss being around my friends...... I feel like I am desperate for human contact....I mean sure I talk to people at work and what not but I have no social life..... I'm too tired to call people I know.........I want to make plans but I'm so tired and stressed and worn out and depressed..... tis a vicious vicious cyle!!!! Gaaarr!!!
I bought a Red Vs Blue DVD--the first 100 episodes....it has been fun....but it makes me miss people and stuff even more.....
Maybe I will have fun stuff to write about.......... someday..... :S