Looking....Looking...
For a new house. And a home. Haven't had one of those in a while...
Haven't lived alone in a LOOOONG time. Very much looking forward to it. It feels great just to anticipate it! I've been looking and looking for a new place. Think that I my have found one. Going to look Monday at 2 places. One looks really promising. In so many ways. Just right for me and my babies. A bit more than I can afford easily, but everything is when you have to have a house with a yard because of pups... And one way or another I'll make it. It may be hard, but I've dealt with worse. Things may be different, but I'll learn anew. Starting all over again... Wow! To be able to get out of this wretched house, where I can't even stand outside the front with out seeing what he did to me that day, where I can't look at anything without remembering....good or bad, remembering... I want to move forward so badly, and I feel so trapped by the past here. This will be so good for me.
I wouldn't have a chance in hell of doing it if it wasn't for that whole Crime Victim's Compensation thing, though. I am SO fucking thankful for that.... Someone told me that he would have to eventually pay back anything that I use from this fund. Because he's the criminal. But, no one involved with the whole thing has mentioned that... I don't want to screw him over or anything...But even if he does, that's his fucking problem, because HE is responsible for his actions finally, not me. And he did what he did, and will pay for it, one way or another.
The one thing holding me back beyond the house thing right now... He for whatever reason (or his lawyer's) is dragging out the fucking court process longer than it needs to be... I don't understand it. I just want it to be over. To move past that worthless, phony, pathetic, waste of a person. What I don't think that he realizes, is that the longer he waits, the better off I'll be, and the worse off he is. Because if I can think out, react rationally, and be more in control in court... Well, he's in much more trouble. I'm not even sure that he realizes that I get MY day in court even if he tries to plea out. That whatever I say in court will affect all of it. I just have to have the strength to say it all in front of a judge, lawyers, him, and whomever else is there. And the longer he waits, the more strong I get... But I still can't get past all of it, with the continuingly looming courtdates, the sporadic phone calls, the worry... Not that I'll ever get over all of it: I mean, look at what he did, look at the situation and what he did! How cold anyone truly ever get past that? How could anyone ever truly trust again, when the one person that they automatically trusted so fully did THAT, and violated every version of trust that there is?! Fucking asshole.
And there's my rant. More of a journal than I've posted here in a long time. And more info than I've put out publicly on this... Though I didn't intend to... But oh well. I need to get used to it. And the worthless asshole doesn't have any right to complain, considering what he did. Not that anyone reads this, or knows what's happened/what's going on, anyway. Eh. So it goes.
Haven't lived alone in a LOOOONG time. Very much looking forward to it. It feels great just to anticipate it! I've been looking and looking for a new place. Think that I my have found one. Going to look Monday at 2 places. One looks really promising. In so many ways. Just right for me and my babies. A bit more than I can afford easily, but everything is when you have to have a house with a yard because of pups... And one way or another I'll make it. It may be hard, but I've dealt with worse. Things may be different, but I'll learn anew. Starting all over again... Wow! To be able to get out of this wretched house, where I can't even stand outside the front with out seeing what he did to me that day, where I can't look at anything without remembering....good or bad, remembering... I want to move forward so badly, and I feel so trapped by the past here. This will be so good for me.
I wouldn't have a chance in hell of doing it if it wasn't for that whole Crime Victim's Compensation thing, though. I am SO fucking thankful for that.... Someone told me that he would have to eventually pay back anything that I use from this fund. Because he's the criminal. But, no one involved with the whole thing has mentioned that... I don't want to screw him over or anything...But even if he does, that's his fucking problem, because HE is responsible for his actions finally, not me. And he did what he did, and will pay for it, one way or another.
The one thing holding me back beyond the house thing right now... He for whatever reason (or his lawyer's) is dragging out the fucking court process longer than it needs to be... I don't understand it. I just want it to be over. To move past that worthless, phony, pathetic, waste of a person. What I don't think that he realizes, is that the longer he waits, the better off I'll be, and the worse off he is. Because if I can think out, react rationally, and be more in control in court... Well, he's in much more trouble. I'm not even sure that he realizes that I get MY day in court even if he tries to plea out. That whatever I say in court will affect all of it. I just have to have the strength to say it all in front of a judge, lawyers, him, and whomever else is there. And the longer he waits, the more strong I get... But I still can't get past all of it, with the continuingly looming courtdates, the sporadic phone calls, the worry... Not that I'll ever get over all of it: I mean, look at what he did, look at the situation and what he did! How cold anyone truly ever get past that? How could anyone ever truly trust again, when the one person that they automatically trusted so fully did THAT, and violated every version of trust that there is?! Fucking asshole.
And there's my rant. More of a journal than I've posted here in a long time. And more info than I've put out publicly on this... Though I didn't intend to... But oh well. I need to get used to it. And the worthless asshole doesn't have any right to complain, considering what he did. Not that anyone reads this, or knows what's happened/what's going on, anyway. Eh. So it goes.