AND I'LL BE THE ONE COMING UP FROM UNDERGROUND
*To my favorite liar, to my favorite scar: "i could have died with you"...so bury me in memory around your throat*
I quit. i give up, i surrender, i'm throwing in the towel, i'm waiving my white flag.
i hate this feeling, having to run to the bathroom at work to ensure no one will see the tears streaming down my cheeks. i hate fighting, i just want someone to understand, you know someone to say "i can see where you're coming from". i'm so damn tired of being ripped apart, having all my flaws pointed out, made to feel like the points i have to make are weak and not worth mentioning. it kills me that i can't say what's on my mind, i can't put my emotions and thoughts into words that someone will actually listen to and understand.
Don't get me wrong i know that what is at stake is worth all of this: all of the pain, all of the tears, the lonely teary eyed drives home, the miserable nights followed by miserable mornings wanting nothing more than to never wake up/ disappear (basically anything to avoid the train wreck i know i am going to have to face). i just want to rip into someone and for once tell them all i have to say. i know this is most likely never going to happen all i ever end up saying is "i don't know" or "sorry". i'm really tired of "i don't know" and really fucking tired of "sorry". i hate feeling like i'm not enough, actually i know i'm not enough. i suppose something is just missing, and whatever that something is, is the reason i'm not enough, the reason i'll never be enough, the reason i'm not ideal.
i really thought i could handle all of this but now i just don't know.
Anyhow, enough of this. i know it means absolutely nothing to most of you. but i know someone will understand, but then again...
Well, today was the worst day of my life, i seem to be having a lot of those lately. i woke up late, not to mention pissed, and almost missed the bus. i recently noticed that "late" is rapidly becoming the theme of my life along with depressed and bitchy.i was tired all fucking day you know the kind of tired where your eyes feel heavy and not even starbucks and shopping therapy can wake you up. i hate my job, it's just so boring plus i get locked out every day and the middle aged bitches with coffee and pastries in hand refuse to let me in because they don't want to get "in trouble", i just really want to shout thanks a whole fucking lot you trailer park trash bitch go choke on a cigarette.i bet i'd like it a whole lot more if i were thirty, single, obese and spent my evenings at home knitting sweaters for my cats and adding to my ash tray collection. it's obviously not the job for a seventeen year old smart ass.
Anyhow, i'm off to sweep the kitchen floor. WOOT WOOT.
*~M-O-N-IQUE~*
*My heart is on my sleeve, wear it like a bruise or black eye. my badge, my witness means that i believe every single lie you said. cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap negates the pains i went through to avoid you, and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you... the only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips i hope they taste of my forever*
I quit. i give up, i surrender, i'm throwing in the towel, i'm waiving my white flag.
i hate this feeling, having to run to the bathroom at work to ensure no one will see the tears streaming down my cheeks. i hate fighting, i just want someone to understand, you know someone to say "i can see where you're coming from". i'm so damn tired of being ripped apart, having all my flaws pointed out, made to feel like the points i have to make are weak and not worth mentioning. it kills me that i can't say what's on my mind, i can't put my emotions and thoughts into words that someone will actually listen to and understand.
Don't get me wrong i know that what is at stake is worth all of this: all of the pain, all of the tears, the lonely teary eyed drives home, the miserable nights followed by miserable mornings wanting nothing more than to never wake up/ disappear (basically anything to avoid the train wreck i know i am going to have to face). i just want to rip into someone and for once tell them all i have to say. i know this is most likely never going to happen all i ever end up saying is "i don't know" or "sorry". i'm really tired of "i don't know" and really fucking tired of "sorry". i hate feeling like i'm not enough, actually i know i'm not enough. i suppose something is just missing, and whatever that something is, is the reason i'm not enough, the reason i'll never be enough, the reason i'm not ideal.
i really thought i could handle all of this but now i just don't know.
Anyhow, enough of this. i know it means absolutely nothing to most of you. but i know someone will understand, but then again...
Well, today was the worst day of my life, i seem to be having a lot of those lately. i woke up late, not to mention pissed, and almost missed the bus. i recently noticed that "late" is rapidly becoming the theme of my life along with depressed and bitchy.i was tired all fucking day you know the kind of tired where your eyes feel heavy and not even starbucks and shopping therapy can wake you up. i hate my job, it's just so boring plus i get locked out every day and the middle aged bitches with coffee and pastries in hand refuse to let me in because they don't want to get "in trouble", i just really want to shout thanks a whole fucking lot you trailer park trash bitch go choke on a cigarette.i bet i'd like it a whole lot more if i were thirty, single, obese and spent my evenings at home knitting sweaters for my cats and adding to my ash tray collection. it's obviously not the job for a seventeen year old smart ass.
Anyhow, i'm off to sweep the kitchen floor. WOOT WOOT.
*~M-O-N-IQUE~*
*My heart is on my sleeve, wear it like a bruise or black eye. my badge, my witness means that i believe every single lie you said. cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap negates the pains i went through to avoid you, and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention i still hate you... the only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips i hope they taste of my forever*