My Grandma...
I found out last weekend that my grandmother went into the hospital. She has very bad diabetes, to the point that she is blind and pretty much can't get around because she gained so much weight. When the doctors told her what she had to do to maintain a healthy life (eat right, no sugar, no sodium, etc) she didn't just say "Ok" and then not follow the doc's orders, she actually told the doc "Nope, I will eat what I want when I want and how much I want." and then told the doc that in the end she didn't want to be saved. It is the other people who tell the doctor that they will follow their orders, don't actually follow them, and then want the docs to fix them when they are ill. Not my grandma. She just said "Fuckem!" and did what she wanted to do, which was really, nothing at all.
So, when the home health nurse came to check on her last weekend, grandma was in such bad shape that the nurse told her that if she didn't go to the hospital she would die in an hour. Grandma had been to the hospital just recently before because of the fluid on her lungs, but they sent her home. She really isn't one to go to the doctor anyway. Anyway, they went.
It was bad. They had to put her on a ventilator. She had too much fluid on her lungs that they needed to breathe for her so her body could get enough oxygen. Then, after about 2 days they figured out her DNR request (through word of mouth and her husband and some other family members) and decided that on Wednesday they would take her off the breathing machine. As soon as that decision was made, I told my mom that I would be there the very next night (Tuesday night). There was no way I was going to not be home to see my grandma and really to be there for my mom. She was having such a hard time with it all. It really all was breaking my heart.
I have lived away from home since I was 18 and joined the military. I am 32 now and it seems like I never get to go home enough. I really don't, only about once a year or so. So I rented a car Monday night and Jessica and I drove to Wisconsin Tuesday morning. 14 hours from Shreveport to there.
When I saw grandma Wednesday morning, it was hard. It didn't look like her, but then it did. They had her sedated and of course all hooked up to the machines and their tubes. It is really hard to remember how she looked. Not hard because I can't remember, but hard because it was hard to see her in that state. The hardest part of all was seeing my mom so upset. Then when I saw my whole family at the hospital I had to step back a little so I wouldn't break down. I had kept some pretty dry eyes (once I got to Wisconsin.)
The doctor said that they were going to remove the tubes (extibate) soon, so we needed to get all the family there because grandma's lungs, even on the machines, weren't expelling the carbon dioxide that they need to. She may only live a minute, an hour, a day without the ventilator. But my mom and I were prepared for her to go as soon as they took her off the machines.
Well, she lived for 3 hours after they removed the tubes. THREE HOURS of her almost gasping for breath. Her body was in a reflex mode (even sedated and with morphine) and she would take these big fast breaths of air. It was pretty horrible to watch. She wasn't coherent. She would move her head from side to side like she was struggling with something. She opened her eyes a little around the last hour she was alive, I had said something and it was like she turned her head to look at me because she heard my voice. I am the oldest of all the grandkids and when I come home to visit I always have to make a stop at grandma's before I go home or I get in big trouble...
So, she is gone now. She is in a better place (to repeat the cliché). I really can’t write any more at this moment. I have stopped and come back to finishing this blog so many times that I just need to finish it now. So, I am done. I might write something personal soon so, if the blog after this one is not viewable, you will know why. I just feel like curling into a ball sometimes… then other times I just want to scream. I guess things will get better, but for right now, I am just taking it day by day. Today is a tough day.
Melis
So, when the home health nurse came to check on her last weekend, grandma was in such bad shape that the nurse told her that if she didn't go to the hospital she would die in an hour. Grandma had been to the hospital just recently before because of the fluid on her lungs, but they sent her home. She really isn't one to go to the doctor anyway. Anyway, they went.
It was bad. They had to put her on a ventilator. She had too much fluid on her lungs that they needed to breathe for her so her body could get enough oxygen. Then, after about 2 days they figured out her DNR request (through word of mouth and her husband and some other family members) and decided that on Wednesday they would take her off the breathing machine. As soon as that decision was made, I told my mom that I would be there the very next night (Tuesday night). There was no way I was going to not be home to see my grandma and really to be there for my mom. She was having such a hard time with it all. It really all was breaking my heart.
I have lived away from home since I was 18 and joined the military. I am 32 now and it seems like I never get to go home enough. I really don't, only about once a year or so. So I rented a car Monday night and Jessica and I drove to Wisconsin Tuesday morning. 14 hours from Shreveport to there.
When I saw grandma Wednesday morning, it was hard. It didn't look like her, but then it did. They had her sedated and of course all hooked up to the machines and their tubes. It is really hard to remember how she looked. Not hard because I can't remember, but hard because it was hard to see her in that state. The hardest part of all was seeing my mom so upset. Then when I saw my whole family at the hospital I had to step back a little so I wouldn't break down. I had kept some pretty dry eyes (once I got to Wisconsin.)
The doctor said that they were going to remove the tubes (extibate) soon, so we needed to get all the family there because grandma's lungs, even on the machines, weren't expelling the carbon dioxide that they need to. She may only live a minute, an hour, a day without the ventilator. But my mom and I were prepared for her to go as soon as they took her off the machines.
Well, she lived for 3 hours after they removed the tubes. THREE HOURS of her almost gasping for breath. Her body was in a reflex mode (even sedated and with morphine) and she would take these big fast breaths of air. It was pretty horrible to watch. She wasn't coherent. She would move her head from side to side like she was struggling with something. She opened her eyes a little around the last hour she was alive, I had said something and it was like she turned her head to look at me because she heard my voice. I am the oldest of all the grandkids and when I come home to visit I always have to make a stop at grandma's before I go home or I get in big trouble...
So, she is gone now. She is in a better place (to repeat the cliché). I really can’t write any more at this moment. I have stopped and come back to finishing this blog so many times that I just need to finish it now. So, I am done. I might write something personal soon so, if the blog after this one is not viewable, you will know why. I just feel like curling into a ball sometimes… then other times I just want to scream. I guess things will get better, but for right now, I am just taking it day by day. Today is a tough day.
Melis