:-(
Seemingly I got sad out of the blue tonight. I was fine... had a killer vocal lesson which turned into a guitar lesson (maybe that got me depressed, I don't know. My guitar skills, or lack thereof, are really now the one missing link to my overall package, but the good news is I start with a new teacher next Thursday!)
Anyway, I got home and got overwhelmed with sadness.
An empty house? A discussion with a wingnut who is very passionately angry about something (nothing to do with me) and twisted my words and said that I said such and such to her about the situation. I'm kind of proud that, at that point, rather than get into it with her, I could see that she isn't capable of rational discussion (whether ever or just now while she's heated remains to be seen)... but I immediately excused myself from the conversation when I saw she twisted my words. And I didn't even give an explanation because I also in an instant of wisdom saw how pointless even saying anything would be. I just said I need to excuse myself from this discussion. I'll talk to you later.
Go me.
I'm very proud of all the progress I've made in so many areas of my life. The other day I saw how emotionally removed I am from helping, well, former students. This grad came to me with an issue and I gave advice and when I got the usual "you're the only one I can talk to" and "you're the best" lines that I always get whenever I help students, it no longer had the same reward it once did. I realized that I no longer need to be needed to feel good about myself. I do not need outside validation. And when the discussion was over, I was able to detach myself from it like it never even happened.
GO FUCKING ME!
But back to why I'm sad because I still haven't figured it out. LOL
Ohyeah, I also saw Andy has a girlfriend apparently. Not that I would EVER do anything about my crush, butttt... I guess I do send out little signs that I have feelings for him, and now I feel like a dickwad for doing so.
Oh and get this... he was in Germany for a month on tour, so I thought I was clever posting I miss you in german to him on his facebook (a coupla weeks ago)... well, today when I figured out he had this girlfriend and I wanted to see for how long, I went back a page in his comments and saw that SHE messaged him the very same message in German that I did. hahahahahaha
Yes, I feel like a dick!!! lmao
But again, the sadness. Truth be told, I know the reason.
I'm missing a relationship that was once a very important part of my life. And I wonder why NOW. And it ended very badly with that person hurting me worse than anyone has ever hurt me in my life. ANYONE. So why do I still have feelings? Especially when so much time has gone by and I didnt let myself think about it for so long. I guess that's the thing... I surpressed it because of all I had going on. For some reason I am now able to let myself FEEL. Feel the loss of what was.
And it's really strong and really painful. Probably the most painful thing I've ever felt. And I don't understand how someone could hurt me so very badly. Especially someone who once said "I love you."
Anyway, I got home and got overwhelmed with sadness.
An empty house? A discussion with a wingnut who is very passionately angry about something (nothing to do with me) and twisted my words and said that I said such and such to her about the situation. I'm kind of proud that, at that point, rather than get into it with her, I could see that she isn't capable of rational discussion (whether ever or just now while she's heated remains to be seen)... but I immediately excused myself from the conversation when I saw she twisted my words. And I didn't even give an explanation because I also in an instant of wisdom saw how pointless even saying anything would be. I just said I need to excuse myself from this discussion. I'll talk to you later.
Go me.
I'm very proud of all the progress I've made in so many areas of my life. The other day I saw how emotionally removed I am from helping, well, former students. This grad came to me with an issue and I gave advice and when I got the usual "you're the only one I can talk to" and "you're the best" lines that I always get whenever I help students, it no longer had the same reward it once did. I realized that I no longer need to be needed to feel good about myself. I do not need outside validation. And when the discussion was over, I was able to detach myself from it like it never even happened.
GO FUCKING ME!
But back to why I'm sad because I still haven't figured it out. LOL
Ohyeah, I also saw Andy has a girlfriend apparently. Not that I would EVER do anything about my crush, butttt... I guess I do send out little signs that I have feelings for him, and now I feel like a dickwad for doing so.
Oh and get this... he was in Germany for a month on tour, so I thought I was clever posting I miss you in german to him on his facebook (a coupla weeks ago)... well, today when I figured out he had this girlfriend and I wanted to see for how long, I went back a page in his comments and saw that SHE messaged him the very same message in German that I did. hahahahahaha
Yes, I feel like a dick!!! lmao
But again, the sadness. Truth be told, I know the reason.
I'm missing a relationship that was once a very important part of my life. And I wonder why NOW. And it ended very badly with that person hurting me worse than anyone has ever hurt me in my life. ANYONE. So why do I still have feelings? Especially when so much time has gone by and I didnt let myself think about it for so long. I guess that's the thing... I surpressed it because of all I had going on. For some reason I am now able to let myself FEEL. Feel the loss of what was.
And it's really strong and really painful. Probably the most painful thing I've ever felt. And I don't understand how someone could hurt me so very badly. Especially someone who once said "I love you."