impermanence
One of the Four Noble Truths is that nothing is permanent.
But this nightmare seems like it is never going to end.
And because I'm handling it better, Thomas is no longer there for me like he was in the height of all this. We had joked in the beginning that we always seem to do better in crisis. Well, that's not funny... because the crisis is far from over, but mentally I'm no longer losing my mind (?!?!?!?!)... let me re-phrase that. MOST days I'm not losing my mind. But then he feels free to be a total dick again, and THAT, coupled with the reality of what I'm going through, actually makes me lose my fucking mind.
Meditation doesn't seem to be helping. I feel so stuck. I'm having bad thoughts... like hurting the person responsible for my trouble... like killing myself... all these things that are so contrary to my Buddhist practice. But how can I not have moments like these?
Just when I think everything is shaping up, I get a reminder in some way that, no, it is FAR from over. It makes me want to cry because I just want life to return to "normal."
Thing is, I know my life will NEVER be the same. I'm not the same. No one will ever think of me the same way. My marriage will never be the same. My future won't have the same opportunities (different maybe, but definitely not the same).
I just want to breathe easy. Do I really deserve this?
1. How old will you be in five years?
44. holy shit.
2. What month is your birthday?
may
3. How tall are you?
5' 5 1/2"
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
my "situation" being over
5. What's the last movie you saw?
currently watching "Shut Up and Sing" the one right before that was "Stomp the Yard." Who's more versatile than me?
6. Who is the last person you called?
Cindy
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Cindy
8. What was the last text message you received?
"TY for before" from mi numero uno <3
9. Do you prefer call or txt?
txt
10. Do you have any pets?
yes
11. What were you doing at midnight?
driving home from Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver in Brooklyn
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
mom is remarried
13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
idk, last week? two weeks? i have NO idea
14. What color are your eyes?
brown.
15. What time did you wake up today?
8
16. What are you wearing right now?
my favorite jeans and a new tank top in lime green. its pretty hot
17. What's your favorite Christmas sonng?
Rhonda's version of "Christmas Time's a-Comin'"
18. What is your favorite place to be?
wow.... um... it WAS school. now it's my house.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
school? idk
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
montana. the sierra mountains in CA (going again in July!)
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
hopefully same place but with a bluegrass band
22. do you tan or burn?
both.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
nothing
24. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
i dont remember. there hasnt been much laughter in the last few months.
26. What do you miss most?
my "kids"
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
both
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
without
29. What color are your sheets?
off white
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
a bunch
31. What is your favorite season?
fall
32. What do you like about fall?
Palmer Vineyards and bluegrass on the deck in the sunshine and drinkin wine!
33. What do you like about winter?
fires in my fire place
34. What do you like about the summer?
traveling
36. How many states have you lived in?
1
37. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
4 i think
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or barefeet?
cowboy boots!
39. Are you a social person?
i was. i dont know what i am now
40. What was the last thing you ate?
pasta primavera with tofu
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
legal seafood. and any place i go with my "sushi partner for life"
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
anything with vanilla and caramel
43. What is your favorite dessert?
ice cream. creme brule. fried ice cream.
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
seafood bisque
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
raspberry
46. Do you like Chinese food?
only select items since i'm vegetarian
47. Do you like coffee?
yes.
48. How many glasses of water do you drink a day?
GALLONS
49. What do you drink in the morning?
water.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yeah left
52. Do you know how to play poker?
sorta. i always need a refresher when i play cuz so much time goes by
53. Do you like to cuddle?
eh.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
yes
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
i did. i dont anymore.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
out.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
nez, lisa, adira
59. Do you want kids?
no
60. Do you speak any other languages?
a lil spanish
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
yes
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
no.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
mostly a pool. it's cleaner and no rocks.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
window.
65. Do you know how to drive stick?
yep it's the only thing i drive!
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
CDs.
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
my wedding ring
68. What is your favorite TV show?
24 and One Tree Hill
69. Can you roll your tongue?
no
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
i know way too many funny people but i think this kid andrew in lap takes the cake. he can imitate ANYONE except New Yorkers which is kinda weird since he is one
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
right now it's Rent's "Seasons of Love"
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
no
74. What color are your bedroom walls?
off white in the master bedroom. a soothing green in my music room. bright purple in my computer room.
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
no
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
right now i dont have a door on my closet because we built me a walk-in one last year and never did the door
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
bear
78. Do you flirt a lot?
i used to. now i dont at all.
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
nothing. i leave it in the chicken. (I'm vegetarian)
80. What is your favorite food?
mexican
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
i have. i probably wouldnt remember how now though
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
too many
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
yes
84. What is your usual bedtime?
it varies, but usually somewhere in the vicinity of 11-12
85. Do you read the newspaper?
no really
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Bluegrass Unlimited
88. Best comedian?
Jon Stewart if you'd consider him a comedian. Rodney Carrington.
89. Do you watch soap operas?
no.
90. Do you dance in the car?
yes
91. Where do you work?
right now, no where. but i'm still getting paid :-) lol
92. Do you prefer plain or frosted animal crackers?
ew on both
93. Favorite article of clothing?
my jeans i'm wearing right now
94. Current CD(s) in you CD player/changer?
my iPod is quequed to Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver
95. Last person you missed a call from?
mi numero uno
96. What is or will be your first tattoo?
something celtic probably? with music
97. Do you wear gold or silver?
silver
98. Do you send chain texts to other people?
just one
99. Would you rather be in a relationship or single?
single
100. What college do you want to go to?
never again. i already have four degrees
But this nightmare seems like it is never going to end.
And because I'm handling it better, Thomas is no longer there for me like he was in the height of all this. We had joked in the beginning that we always seem to do better in crisis. Well, that's not funny... because the crisis is far from over, but mentally I'm no longer losing my mind (?!?!?!?!)... let me re-phrase that. MOST days I'm not losing my mind. But then he feels free to be a total dick again, and THAT, coupled with the reality of what I'm going through, actually makes me lose my fucking mind.
Meditation doesn't seem to be helping. I feel so stuck. I'm having bad thoughts... like hurting the person responsible for my trouble... like killing myself... all these things that are so contrary to my Buddhist practice. But how can I not have moments like these?
Just when I think everything is shaping up, I get a reminder in some way that, no, it is FAR from over. It makes me want to cry because I just want life to return to "normal."
Thing is, I know my life will NEVER be the same. I'm not the same. No one will ever think of me the same way. My marriage will never be the same. My future won't have the same opportunities (different maybe, but definitely not the same).
I just want to breathe easy. Do I really deserve this?
1. How old will you be in five years?
44. holy shit.
2. What month is your birthday?
may
3. How tall are you?
5' 5 1/2"
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks?
my "situation" being over
5. What's the last movie you saw?
currently watching "Shut Up and Sing" the one right before that was "Stomp the Yard." Who's more versatile than me?
6. Who is the last person you called?
Cindy
7. Who was the last person to call you?
Cindy
8. What was the last text message you received?
"TY for before" from mi numero uno <3
9. Do you prefer call or txt?
txt
10. Do you have any pets?
yes
11. What were you doing at midnight?
driving home from Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver in Brooklyn
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?
mom is remarried
13. When is the last time you saw your mom?
idk, last week? two weeks? i have NO idea
14. What color are your eyes?
brown.
15. What time did you wake up today?
8
16. What are you wearing right now?
my favorite jeans and a new tank top in lime green. its pretty hot
17. What's your favorite Christmas sonng?
Rhonda's version of "Christmas Time's a-Comin'"
18. What is your favorite place to be?
wow.... um... it WAS school. now it's my house.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be?
school? idk
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
montana. the sierra mountains in CA (going again in July!)
21. Where do you think you'll be in 10 yrs?
hopefully same place but with a bluegrass band
22. do you tan or burn?
both.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child?
nothing
24. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
i dont remember. there hasnt been much laughter in the last few months.
26. What do you miss most?
my "kids"
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer?
both
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
without
29. What color are your sheets?
off white
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
a bunch
31. What is your favorite season?
fall
32. What do you like about fall?
Palmer Vineyards and bluegrass on the deck in the sunshine and drinkin wine!
33. What do you like about winter?
fires in my fire place
34. What do you like about the summer?
traveling
36. How many states have you lived in?
1
37. How many cities/towns have you lived in?
4 i think
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or barefeet?
cowboy boots!
39. Are you a social person?
i was. i dont know what i am now
40. What was the last thing you ate?
pasta primavera with tofu
41. What is your favorite restaurant?
legal seafood. and any place i go with my "sushi partner for life"
42. What is your favorite ice cream?
anything with vanilla and caramel
43. What is your favorite dessert?
ice cream. creme brule. fried ice cream.
44. What is your favorite kind of soup?
seafood bisque
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich?
raspberry
46. Do you like Chinese food?
only select items since i'm vegetarian
47. Do you like coffee?
yes.
48. How many glasses of water do you drink a day?
GALLONS
49. What do you drink in the morning?
water.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
yeah left
52. Do you know how to play poker?
sorta. i always need a refresher when i play cuz so much time goes by
53. Do you like to cuddle?
eh.
54. Have you ever been to Canada?
yes
55. Do you have an addictive personality?
i did. i dont anymore.
56. Do you eat out or at home more often?
out.
58. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
nez, lisa, adira
59. Do you want kids?
no
60. Do you speak any other languages?
a lil spanish
61. Have you ever gotten stitches?
yes
62. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
no.
63. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
mostly a pool. it's cleaner and no rocks.
64. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats?
window.
65. Do you know how to drive stick?
yep it's the only thing i drive!
66. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
CDs.
67. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7?
my wedding ring
68. What is your favorite TV show?
24 and One Tree Hill
69. Can you roll your tongue?
no
70. Who is the funniest person you know?
i know way too many funny people but i think this kid andrew in lap takes the cake. he can imitate ANYONE except New Yorkers which is kinda weird since he is one
72. What is the main ring tone on your phone?
right now it's Rent's "Seasons of Love"
73. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
no
74. What color are your bedroom walls?
off white in the master bedroom. a soothing green in my music room. bright purple in my computer room.
75. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth?
no
76. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
right now i dont have a door on my closet because we built me a walk-in one last year and never did the door
77. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of bees?
bear
78. Do you flirt a lot?
i used to. now i dont at all.
79. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
nothing. i leave it in the chicken. (I'm vegetarian)
80. What is your favorite food?
mexican
81. Can you change the oil on a car?
i have. i probably wouldnt remember how now though
82. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket?
too many
83. Have you ever run out of gas?
yes
84. What is your usual bedtime?
it varies, but usually somewhere in the vicinity of 11-12
85. Do you read the newspaper?
no really
87. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
Bluegrass Unlimited
88. Best comedian?
Jon Stewart if you'd consider him a comedian. Rodney Carrington.
89. Do you watch soap operas?
no.
90. Do you dance in the car?
yes
91. Where do you work?
right now, no where. but i'm still getting paid :-) lol
92. Do you prefer plain or frosted animal crackers?
ew on both
93. Favorite article of clothing?
my jeans i'm wearing right now
94. Current CD(s) in you CD player/changer?
my iPod is quequed to Doyle Lawson and Quicksilver
95. Last person you missed a call from?
mi numero uno
96. What is or will be your first tattoo?
something celtic probably? with music
97. Do you wear gold or silver?
silver
98. Do you send chain texts to other people?
just one
99. Would you rather be in a relationship or single?
single
100. What college do you want to go to?
never again. i already have four degrees