(no subject)
I really hate to come on this to bitch and moan about my problems, but I feel the need to do so now. It probably doesn't matter since nobody reads this anyways.
Things really aren't going well for me. Since school started, I've been waiting for something, waiting for someone, anyone, to pay me a little notice, to go out of their way to make me feel loved or welcomed or wanted. Sure, people do little things once in awhile, but I honestly don't remember the last time someone called me up on a weekend and asked if I wanted to hang out. I think Milo did once in September and we went bowling with some kids. Thanks Milo, you're a great guy, I appreciate it. You know, being a go-getter is all well and good to a point, but it starts feeling pretty shitty when the only parties you're at are the ones you're hosting. Maybe it's because I don't drink or smoke, because I value my base of morals and ethics. Maybe that's why no one wants my company. And I'm not even accusing anyone of not caring about me or hating me or any shit like that, I know people do care about me, it's just no one seems to go out of their way to do so. It's not that nobody wants me at their parties, it's that no one thinks to ask me to go. I seem to be invisible, unnoticed, off the social radar. Like in the musical Chicago, I'm Mr. Cellophane, cuz you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there. And then there's the cross country deal. I didn't realize when I chose not to run cross country in favor of playing ultimate that I was basically losing any extracurricular relationships that I had with most of my best friends from the past. I feel bad calling them my best friends now, because I feel like best friends are supposed to do more than nod at each other in the halls. I even went to one of the xc team's parties once because I couldn't stand it anymore and I called Gihan who said I could come along. Sure it was nice to see all my runner friends outside of school but I felt so out of place and unnoticed that I know trying to be a part of something that I am not part of is definitely not the solution. So what do I do about this? Do I just fall deeper and deeper clinging to the hope that someone will pull me out. I don't think that's the right solution. Maybe I should just start asking people what they're doing every Friday and Saturday night. But then comes the part where they undoubtedly say "Oh...I'm going to so-and-so's party"...or "oh...I'm hanging out with so-and-so." So when I get that, do I say "can I come?" and sound like a loser? If they say yes, then maybe I'll go (as was the case with the xc party) but then of course the entire time I'm there I'll be thinking "do these kids even want me here?" and at some point it will hit me: "what the fuck am I doing here?" So it doesn't seem to me that that's the right solution. But what else is there to do? Get a girlfriend? So if I got a girlfriend - which probably wouldn't happen in the first place because of my inability to have feelings for girls that might have feelings back for me and my inability to just say fuck it and go for someone that I know doesn't like me - it would feel forced and awkward most likely and I wouldn't even have a car or liscence to drive them around in because I'm young. I'm like Seth Cohen from the OC (lame comparison I know) only I'm not as funny or "cute" (as the girls say) as he is. I feel like saying in the spirit of Holden Caulfield "why is everyone so god damn phony?" And I'm not even saying here I'm depressed, because there are way too many good things about my life for me to hate it all. It just eats me up when I'm sitting at home on a night like tonight knowing that people I thought enjoyed my company are out there having fun with each other. Some of them are probably drunk or high, as that seems to be the thing to do these days. They're probably swearing a lot and might be talking about how stupid religion is, as those also seem to be popular things to do that go against basic groundings that have been a part of me since I was born. Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm blowing this way out of proportion in my mind. If I am, please tell me. I'll close this with the lyrics of the song I'm listening to right now, they don't refer to any one person in my case:
"Don't Go Away" -Oasis
Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
I don't wanna be there when you're ...
Coming down
I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground
So dont go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day ... In the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind
Me and you whats going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong
Things really aren't going well for me. Since school started, I've been waiting for something, waiting for someone, anyone, to pay me a little notice, to go out of their way to make me feel loved or welcomed or wanted. Sure, people do little things once in awhile, but I honestly don't remember the last time someone called me up on a weekend and asked if I wanted to hang out. I think Milo did once in September and we went bowling with some kids. Thanks Milo, you're a great guy, I appreciate it. You know, being a go-getter is all well and good to a point, but it starts feeling pretty shitty when the only parties you're at are the ones you're hosting. Maybe it's because I don't drink or smoke, because I value my base of morals and ethics. Maybe that's why no one wants my company. And I'm not even accusing anyone of not caring about me or hating me or any shit like that, I know people do care about me, it's just no one seems to go out of their way to do so. It's not that nobody wants me at their parties, it's that no one thinks to ask me to go. I seem to be invisible, unnoticed, off the social radar. Like in the musical Chicago, I'm Mr. Cellophane, cuz you can look right through me, walk right by me, and never know I'm there. And then there's the cross country deal. I didn't realize when I chose not to run cross country in favor of playing ultimate that I was basically losing any extracurricular relationships that I had with most of my best friends from the past. I feel bad calling them my best friends now, because I feel like best friends are supposed to do more than nod at each other in the halls. I even went to one of the xc team's parties once because I couldn't stand it anymore and I called Gihan who said I could come along. Sure it was nice to see all my runner friends outside of school but I felt so out of place and unnoticed that I know trying to be a part of something that I am not part of is definitely not the solution. So what do I do about this? Do I just fall deeper and deeper clinging to the hope that someone will pull me out. I don't think that's the right solution. Maybe I should just start asking people what they're doing every Friday and Saturday night. But then comes the part where they undoubtedly say "Oh...I'm going to so-and-so's party"...or "oh...I'm hanging out with so-and-so." So when I get that, do I say "can I come?" and sound like a loser? If they say yes, then maybe I'll go (as was the case with the xc party) but then of course the entire time I'm there I'll be thinking "do these kids even want me here?" and at some point it will hit me: "what the fuck am I doing here?" So it doesn't seem to me that that's the right solution. But what else is there to do? Get a girlfriend? So if I got a girlfriend - which probably wouldn't happen in the first place because of my inability to have feelings for girls that might have feelings back for me and my inability to just say fuck it and go for someone that I know doesn't like me - it would feel forced and awkward most likely and I wouldn't even have a car or liscence to drive them around in because I'm young. I'm like Seth Cohen from the OC (lame comparison I know) only I'm not as funny or "cute" (as the girls say) as he is. I feel like saying in the spirit of Holden Caulfield "why is everyone so god damn phony?" And I'm not even saying here I'm depressed, because there are way too many good things about my life for me to hate it all. It just eats me up when I'm sitting at home on a night like tonight knowing that people I thought enjoyed my company are out there having fun with each other. Some of them are probably drunk or high, as that seems to be the thing to do these days. They're probably swearing a lot and might be talking about how stupid religion is, as those also seem to be popular things to do that go against basic groundings that have been a part of me since I was born. Maybe I'm full of shit, maybe I'm blowing this way out of proportion in my mind. If I am, please tell me. I'll close this with the lyrics of the song I'm listening to right now, they don't refer to any one person in my case:
"Don't Go Away" -Oasis
Cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind
I don't wanna be there when you're ...
Coming down
I don't wanna be there when you hit the ground
So dont go away, say what you say
Say that you'll stay
Forever and a day ... In the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right
Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can't find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind
Me and you whats going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong