My story...
I was standing at my locker thinking about how much this school year was going to suck, just like every other. The only difference was that I was finally a senior and this would be my last year before I could finally get out of here. I didn’t really want to go to college even though I knew my parents would probably make me. I stopped daydreaming for a second as I saw a streak of red appear at the locker next to me. The figure studied the locker for a minute before continuing on its path. I turned and watched.
It was a girl, probably about my age, maybe a little younger. She definitely was lost, she had a very noticeable look of confusion on her face as she kept studying the small piece of paper in her hand and then looking at the locker numbers as she passed. It was obviously her first day here and she had yet to figure out where her locker was. I wondered if she realized the lockers were usually right outside of the homerooms and it would probably be a lot easier to go find her homeroom first. I was thinking about approaching her, even though it wasn’t something I normally did, just as a huge group of people walked in front of me and I lost sight of her. I sighed and turned back to my locker, wondering if this year would at all be different.
I took one last glance down the hall searching for the mysterious girl in red before giving up and deciding to go ahead and go to class. I walked into my homeroom and took the desk in the back corner, where I had sat every day for the past three years. I put my headphones on, turned on my ipod, and put my head down on my desk. I didn’t plan on watching the morning announcements, I never had before.
My fourth class of the day was astronomy. I had always loved the stars. I hadn’t really wanted to take this class, but my counselor had assured me that I NEEDED another science course in order to be able to graduate, and, being I loved the stars, this would be the way to go. I knew where the planetarium was. Not only had I taken field trips there as a child, but I passed it all the time in my three first years in this building. I headed there, stopping at the water fountain, and found a seat in the back corner, as always. I was one of the first people there as my history class was just three doors down. I pulled out my notebook, all I ever took on the first day of school, as I noticed the figure in red walk in the door. I got a good look at her face for the first time.
She had light brown hair and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen, I could see how blue and sparkly they were even from across the room. She was carrying a folder and a notebook, both clutched to her chest, covering the front of her red t-shirt. She was wearing a pair of nice fitting blue jeans and some converse tennis shoes. She caught my eye. I wasn’t embarrassed to be looking at her, it was a common occurrence for people to watch the door on the first day of class to see if any friends happened to be in class with them. We made eye contact for a split moment before I gave her a small smile and turned my attention back to my notebook. I opened it to the fourth page, I hadn’t even managed an entire page of notes in any of my other classes yet.
That was when I noticed the red figure slide into the seat next to me. There were empty seats all over the room, and the entire row I was in was empty, yet she had sat right next to me. I took my eyes off of my notebook and glanced in her direction. She was smiling shyly at me. I smiled back, not sure what was going on, and looked back at my notebook. I pulled my blue pen out of my pocket and took the lid off. I could feel her eyes on me, she was still watching. I looked back up at her. Sure enough, she was still watching me, and still clinging the notebook and folder to her chest.
“Hi. I’m Taylor.” She said, extending her hand. I eyed her for a moment. I wasn’t in a very social mood, but I decided I’d go along with this anyway. I took her hand in mine. She had a very firm, yet soft grip.
“Melissa, but everyone calls me Mel.” I said, noticing just how sparkly her eyes were in person. I wondered what she wanted. Why had she chosen me out of everyone else in the room? Who else was in our class anyway? I pried my eyes away from hers and surveyed the room quickly. Jen Reeves was at the front of the room, as always. She was little miss perfect; blond hair, drop dead body, teachers pet as well as popular with all the guys. There were a few other familiar faces, but none I knew too well.
I looked down at myself for a moment. Black jeans, black t-shirt with Slipknot across the front; black skater shoes as well as the dyed black hair. I was not exactly gothic or anything although everyone always seemed to think I must be evil, simply because of the way I dressed and the fact that I had my eyebrow pierced. That was part of the reason I wanted more than anything to get out of this place, no one understood that I was actually a great person, a tad shy, I just couldn’t stand life in this dumb town, that was my only issue. I glanced back at her. She was looking at her own shoes, seemed lost in her thoughts.
“First day?” I asked, attempting to kill the awkward silence. She blinked a couple times and then looked back up at me. She had a far away look in her eyes for a moment, then seemed to refocus on my own.
“Yeah. How’d you guess?” She was very quiet, definitely lost in her own thoughts.
“I saw you searching for your locker this morning. I mean, I figured that’s what you were doing anyway. Did you ever find it?” I felt dumb, for the first time in forever, I felt strange talking to someone and not knowing what to say.
“Oh. Did I look that lost?” She laughed shyly. “Yeah, I did. This school is pretty big. I transferred here from Denson, we only had like 30 kids in my class there.” I laughed quietly. Here we had over 500 kids per class, and we were in a three story building. I’d never heard of Denson, but I was guessing with that small of a class size, it was probably only a floor if two.
“This must be crazy for you then. Where’s your next class? I can point you in the right direction if you want.” Why was I being so nice? This was the most conversation I’d had all day. Maybe I was just eager to talk? No, that didn’t sound like me.
“I… Uhhh…” She pulled out her schedule and stared at it for a moment, then looked back at me. “I think I have lunch next.” I thought for a moment. I did as well. Did she have any friends yet? Should I ask her to sit with me? I hadn’t seen Mike yet, I wasn’t sure if we had lunch together or not. If not, I wasn’t sure who I’d be sitting with myself. “Where’s that?” She asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Oh, it’s… Well, what grade are you in? Because that would decide whether you eat first or second, and where I need to point you to.” I hadn’t even thought of that yet. Seniors and freshman ate together. I had always thought that was the dumbest set up, but that was the way of it anyway.
“Junior.” She blurted out almost immediately. Well, there went that idea. She almost seemed to read my mind. “I mean, I wasn’t planning on eating today though. Is there any way I wouldn’t have to go to the cafeteria?” I thought for a minute then smiled slightly.
“Welll… If you don’t want to skip completely,” I laughed slightly, that was what I had done my entire junior year, Mike and I. “Then you can go to the library. Just know that the librarians are all old women who love to talk your head off and you can’t talk to any students and you also can’t go on a computer unless you have an assignment and even then all the sites are blocked.” I got lost in my thoughts for a split moment of all the times Mike and I had gotten in trouble in the library, the exact reason we had started skipping to begin with.
She seemed startled for a moment. “Oh. Uhhm… What would you recommend?” She seemed to be looking up to me already. This definitely wasn’t something I was used to. Not in this crowd anyway.
“I have lunch next period too. I can take you to the library if you want.” Here I was again, being so nice to her. What had gotten over me? I was perplexed. I looked at her, her blue eyes stared into mine, and I lost all track of what I had been questioning.
“That would be great.” She smiled at me. Her eyes sparkled. She was beautiful. I was lost in her eyes. The bell rang and woke me up. I turned towards the board where our teacher Mr. Ness introduced himself and got straight into class. I had planned and trying to talk to her some more, there was something about her that confused and intrigued me. But he was busy explaining things, and she was busy jotting in her notebook. Without anyone noticing, I slid my headphones over the ear facing away from her so she wouldn’t notice, and got lost in the world of my favorite music until the bell rang again. I stared at the board. We had homework already. I didn’t like this guy. She turned to face me. She was smiling. She sure seemed like a happy person, the exact opposite of me. “You ready?” She asked, distracting me from my instant dislike of Mr. Ness.
“Sure, lets go.” I replied, closing my notebook before she could notice my page was blank. She closed her own notebook and stood up. I followed her out of the room where she stepped aside so I could lead the way. We walked, in silence, side by side, up the steps, down the hallway, and into the library. There, we signed in by sliding our ID cards through the small black machine on the desk and then found our seats. I took a seat at the table farthest from the library desk, in the corner, as always. She walked up and put her books on the opposite end of the table. “Do you like it here so far?”
“It is really big. There are a lot of people. My old school was like a fifth of this place. I mean, it’s going to take a lot of getting used to, but other than that, I like it.” She liked to talk. Making yes or no answers into long explanations, yet, I didn’t mind it. I had been on this kick lately where everyone had been annoying me. Everyone other than Mike and our friend Rachael, who had graduated last year and already gotten out of this place. She went to the local community college, waiting for us, and hung out with us almost every day. The three of us had been inseparable since Mike and I were in third grade and she was in fourth. We had met on the playground because all three of us wanting nothing to do with the idiotic games the other kids played. I couldn’t remember now who had approached who, and why we had all decided to let each other in, but we had. We had been the best of friends ever since.
“I see.” I replied still lost slightly in my flashbacks. Mike and Rachael were amazing. They and I were almost the same soul split into three bodies. We could finish each others sentences, we could know what the others were thinking. We had each others backs no matter what stupid decision the other one made to get themselves in trouble in the first place.
“Yeah. I mean… I don’t really know anyone here yet. I knew everyone at my old school.” She definitely liked to talk. I glanced at her. She had taken the seat next to me and was staring at me intently. She was almost studying me.
“I know a lot of them, and I can tell you you don’t want to know the majority of them.” I definitely sounded as dark as I looked. I wondered if that bothered her. I watched her face, wondering how she would react to me. Her expression didn’t change. Her eyes lost their sparkle for a split moment, but then it was back. I wondered why I made her sparkle like that.
“Oh. You don’t have many friends?” She’d figured me out already hadn’t she? It wasn’t that I wasn’t a friendly person or anything. I had a few friends around school. I just had a really hard time letting people in, truly. There was something about this girl. Some vibe she was giving off. I had the feeling already she was different than everyone else here.
“I do. I just choose not to make friends with the majority of them.” She nodded slightly, seeming not sure how to take me in. “Once you get to know them, I think you’ll understand.” I looked down at her and for the first time saw her t-shirt. It was for some punk band I’d heard of once or twice, something you’d definitely find at Hot Topic. So, at least we had somewhat similar tastes.
“I think I know what you mean. A lot of them don’t seem like very interesting people, and a few of them also seem only to care of themselves, and if I can see that on the first day of meeting them, then I’m sure how many years with them has been crazy.” She smiled at me sweetly. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t felt this way about anyone in the longest time. I wasn’t sure what it was. I already felt at home with her, I already felt I could be myself with her. It’s very rare you find someone you can trust that quickly and easily. When you’re me anyway. I gave her a small smile as the bell rang and the librarians yelled at us all not to talk for the rest of the period. She shrugged her shoulders at me and opened her notebook to an empty page and began scribbling crazily. I looked away. She was probably writing a note to her boyfriend or something.
I opened my own and began to doodle. I was drawing some strange cartoon sort of character when the bell rang a second time. I looked over at her and she smiled at me, she had already been looking at me. She handed me a small piece of paper and then told me she thought her next class was on the third floor so she had to go, and with that, she walked off. I was unsure of what to do next. I stuffed the note into my pocket, I figured I’d need something to occupy me in my next class. Math was, after all, my least favorite subject.
I took the corner seat in the class and pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket. I eyed it for a moment before deciding to give the class a chance before opening it. I stared at the board. Things from the class before ours were still all over the board. Looked like they had played some dumb game where they had introduced themselves and written random facts about each other all over. I laughed slightly to myself, thanking God I hadn’t been in that class. The teacher walked in. A young woman. She took a seat at the desk, and then glanced up. She seemed to notice the writing all over the board and become almost as disgusted with it as I felt. She pulled herself out of her desk and cleaned the boards, collapsing again into her seat. I wondered if she wasn’t going to be so bad after all. I decided to give her a chance. She seemed nice enough. I looked at the note again. Curiosity overwhelmed me, but I decided to torture myself by sticking it back in my pocket for the mean time. I looked back up at the teacher. She couldn’t have been out of college for more than five years. She was very attractive. Nice body, blond hair. Her eyes were difficult to make out from here, reminding me of Taylor and just how sparkly her eyes had been. I shook my head slightly as though to free myself from my thoughts and continued to study my new teacher. She was wearing a blue button down shirt and a semi short black dress skirt. She had on some semi dressy, semi not high heels. I had respect for the woman already. She dressed up but not to a point to make herself uncomfortable. I shrugged my shoulders and put my head down until I heard that annoying bell go off again. I lifted my head. She was standing directly in front of me. The class was almost full and every single student was talking to at least one other with the exception of me.
“Hi,” she extended her hand “I’m Ms. Walters. What’s your name?” What was with all these people picking me out and then forcing me to shake hands? I slowly extended my own, taking hers in my hand. It was slightly clammy. Not at all like Taylor’s. Why did my mind keep shooting back to her?
“Melissa, but you can call me Mel.” I mumbled slightly. She smiled at me. She had grey eyes. I hadn’t seen eyes like that before, they mystified me slightly. I definitely had a thing for eyes. Always had.
“It’s nice to meet you Mel.” She squatted down next to my desk and lowered her voice slightly. “I couldn’t help but notice you weren’t talking to anyone, so I thought I’d come say hi to you. You remind me of myself a few years ago.” She winked at me and returned to her desk. I was stumped. So many people today. So many people who had actually had a good impact on me. Well. Two, but hey, that was more than usual. She introduced her to the class and told us a little about herself. Said she had only been out of school for two years. She had taught at some private school for handicapped students her first year before deciding she wanted to do public school. She said as corny as it sounded, she had gone to a public school herself and had wished she had a teacher like the one she was hoping to be. She smiled slightly, and her eyes found mine out of the class. She held my gaze for a moment before continuing. She told us some about her background and said she wanted to get to know us. I sighed. This was going to be one of those introduce your things, wasn’t it? She seemed to read my thoughts. “Please get a piece of paper out and write me a page worth about yourself. Tell me your name, your e-mail address if you have one so I can send you your grades, and anything you love to do. Tell me what you hate most in math or what you’re the worst at so I can give you some extra help when we reach that subject. Tell me what you like to do out side of school. Tell me what kind of music and movies you like. Tell me anything you want, so long as it’s a page long and school appropriate.” And with that, she sat down at her desk and pulled out a small black leather book. I smiled to myself. Maybe this year wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
I wrote my page, using slightly larger than usual handwriting just so I could finish faster. I said I loved Slipknot and many other heavy metal bands. I said Mike Rachael and I had often thought of making our own band, and I had actually been teaching myself to play the guitar for the past three years and actually wasn’t too bad. I said I hated math over all, but I was decent at it. Said I hated fractions in particular. I told her my e-mail address even though I usually didn’t give it out in situations like this. I filled up the page more easily than I had expected, and jumped up to take it to her desk. She already had a paper or two on her desk. I was surprised I wasn’t the first done, and even more surprised I hadn’t heard the other kids take their papers up. Had I been that into my writing? She looked up and caught my eye.
“Thought I was going to make you talk, didn’t you?” She smiled at me. I smiled back slightly. There was something about her. She reminded me of someone, but I wasn’t sure who. “I’d like to talk to you after class some day soon if you have time.” She said, and then returned her gaze back to the black leather book. It was a grade book of some sort, with all of our names listed alphabetically in her handwriting. I sighed quietly to myself. Today was strange. Then I returned to my desk. Only another ten minutes left to class. I could easily take a nap or whip back out the ipod. Yet, my mind returned to the small piece of paper in my desk. I contemplated it for a moment then decided I couldn’t take the suspension any longer. I took it out.
It was addressed to me, then it said that she had had a good time talking to me today. She said she’d love to talk to me sometime out of school, if I was up to it. Then she had given me her AIM screen name as well as her cell phone number. Then she had signed it, and put a small red heart next to her name. Her handwriting was neat without being annoyingly perfect. I stared at it for a moment. Someone really wanted to know me. It was a Friday. I wouldn’t be seeing either of them until Monday. I glanced back up at Ms. Walters. She was lost in thought, still staring at that dumb black book. I wondered what she would be doing this weekend. I loved how little kids thought that teachers weren’t real people. Almost androids, who lived at the school and did nothing other than teach. She was a person. She had a life. She would be going home tonight, and she would be entertaining herself in one way or another this weekend. I thought it was somewhat admirable of her that she had returned to a public school. She said I reminded her of herself. I would never come back. As much as I knew I could make a better teacher than most of the people here, I wouldn’t put myself through it. She was a nice person.
I sat there lost in my thoughts for the last few minutes of class. The bell rang, and I left, shooting her a quick smile on the way out the door. I didn’t want to talk to her today, I still wasn’t sure how I felt. In the hall I ran into Mike. Literally. He was walking past the door just as I walked out of it.
Mike was much like me. Dressed all in black, although he had kept his short brown hair. We had all considered dying our hair black, had even bought enough dye to do so, but I had been the only to actually go through with it. He grinned at me and wrapped his arm around me. “How you doing today Melly?” He was the only person in the universe I would ever allow to call me such a dumb nickname. I smiled back at him.
“Interesting actually. It seems like this year might not suck all that much.” He gave me a surprised look.
“Oh yeah?” He laughed quietly. “I already knew that since this is our last year in this hell hole.” I laughed with him this time.
“That is definitely true. I met a new girl, she’s pretty nice.” I fingered the unfolded note that was on top of my notebook and handed it to him. “Also have a math teacher who seems pretty decent.” He read the note and handed it back to me, eying me slightly.
“Ok then girly. We’re still doing something tonight right? I was hoping we could go see that new flick at West Geagua.” I laughed. West Geagua was the theater near us that played the private films none of the other theaters played. Mike had a thing for liking things no one else had ever heard of, and loved most of the movies there, whether or not they made any sense to us.
“Of couse. Rachael’s picking us up from here.” I glanced up for a moment and realized we had reached my next class. I poked him and quickly ran in the door, not giving him a chance to return it.
The rest of the day drug by. After class I hurried to my locker. I shoved my notebook inside and grabbed my hoodie. I looked around quickly. No one I knew. Mike would probably just meet me outside. With that, I closed my locker and snuck out the back way to hide near the door Rachael would be picking us up at. I was right. Mike was already there, leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. I eyed him. Smoking was the one thing I had never liked about Mike. He had ventured off to a new group of friends for about a month our freshman year, who had gotten him into things we would never normally allow each other to do, and he’d gotten hooked. Not only that, but he seemed to think it made him look hott, which completely made every attempt to make him quit fail. He shook his head at me and smiled, exhailing up into the air.
Most people who saw us would probably assume, simply by the way we dressed and whatnot, that we drank and smoked and did drugs. I hated that. I hated stereotypes, another reason I was eager to leave here. It wasn’t true. We’d never tried a single drug, other than the one time of course when we found Rachael’s brother Steve’s stash. We’d only been in seventh and eighth grade at the time and had no clue what it was. We’d tried it, and it had screwed us up so bad we’d never gone near it again. Drinking was fun on occasion but it was something none of us ever wanted to turn into a habbit. I was thinking about how dumb people’s assumptions were when I saw the black SUV pull up. It was Rachael. I grinned at Mike. He had yet to put out his cigarette, that meant I had the front seat because I’d make it there before him. We were so dumb sometimes, like little kids, but it made life fun. I ran and jumped in next to Rachael. She smiled at me. Her red hair was in her eye, as usual, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was wearing a white tanktop and black shorts. She had gorgeous green eyes. Mike’s were blue, but they were a darker blue, unlike Taylor’s. There I went again! I smacked myself in the forehead, gaining Rachael’s attention. She opened her mouth to ask me about it just as Mike hopped in the backseat, saving me. Rachael spun to face him and then grinned, looking from one of us to the other.
“I have a surprise for you two.” She told us, her eyes almost bulging out she was smiling so much. I sat back in my seat and eyed her. Mike apparently did the same as she started cracking up and punched us both in the shoulder before turning back to face the wheel. “You ready?”
“Sure.” Mike answered from the backseat. She looked at me. I simply nodded. Today sure was a strange day. She drove off, I buckled my seat belt. It was the law, not to mention that Rachael had MAJOR road rage on occasion. She got on the freeway and headed off toward downtown, turning the radio to our favorite station. We all sat in silence, Rachael with the slightest trace of a smile on her face as she drove off into who knows where. I got lost in my thoughts again when I noticed we were getting off at an exit, we were almost downtown, but not quite there. She took a few side streets and then pulled into a driveway. In front of us was a two story white house. Mike and I sat in silence for a few minutes, Rachael looking from one to the other. “Well?!” She asked almost bursting with excitement. I turned and looked at Mike. He shrugged at me, seeming as confused as I felt. “I’m renting it! I finally had enough of my stepdad.” She turned off the car and shook the keys in our faces. “I only have the second story, but it’s better than nothing, right?” With that, she got out of the car. I took her example and got out as well, Mike coming by my side. He poked me in the side and then shrugged at me again.
Rachael led us up the front steps and through the door that she unlocked with her key, and seemed so proud to do so. Once through the door, there were more steps. A set leading up and a set leading down. She took the set leading up and Mike and I followed, where she unlocked a door leading into a small room with some furniture. I recognized a chair or two from her house. There was the small TV set she had had in her bedroom. She pulled me through the door, doing the same to Mike once I was in, and then closing the door.
“Uhhmmm… Wow?” I said, not sure what else to say. Rachael seemed so happy. She held out her arms and then spun around in a circle. “That’s where you’ve been all week, isn’t it?” She nodded. She hadn’t hung out with us all week. She’d had some dumb excuse each night. Now it all made sense.
“So, I am taking the fold out couch from my basement, and then I bought a king size mattress. I figure that way you two can stay with me whenever you want.” She was still grinning. I looked at Mike. He smiled at me. The three of us hugged, and then I started laughing. Our whole world was changing. We finally had our own place to hang out at without having to worry about annoying parents waking us up or yelling at us for being too loud, or my favorite, yelling at us about having Mike sleep over. That would be my parents. They were stuck in the old days, and still bitched every time I had Mike over, even though anything sexual happening between us made me want to puke.
I woke up the next morning on the mattress next to Rachael. We had played video games on the small TV and eaten pizza all night. Then we’d left Mike on the floor in the living room and Rachael and I had gone to bed together. I opened my eyes and looked over. She was under the sheets with me, still in her white tanktop, but had lost the shorts somewhere along the way. I could see her white boxer underwear with little pink hearts on them. She was facing the other way. I smiled to myself. I had the best friends anyone could ask for. I wondered if Mike was up yet. It was still silent. He would be playing video games if he was up, and he wouldn’t be afraid to have the volume on because he knew how heavy of sleepers Rachael and I were. So, I assumed I was the only one. I put my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling thinking. Why was Taylor on my mind again? I just couldn’t get those eyes out of my mind. I hadn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. What was it? It couldn’t be a crush… Could it?
Just having those thoughts cross my mind made me feel confused. When was the last time I’d had a crush? I had thought Jon Rose in our chemistry class last year was cute… But I don’t know that I’d call it a crush. I’d never really dated anyone. None of us had. Rachael had had this off again on again boyfriend named Todd about two years ago, but she refused to blow us off for him and still spent almost all of her time with us, which pissed him off. So, the three of us had remained single. I couldn’t have a crush on her. Could I? I wasn’t a lesbian. I looked over at Rachael. She was still asleep. I mean, I’d thought girls were hott before. I’d never really told Mike or Rach, I wasn’t sure how they’d take it. But I’d never liked a girl. I didn’t want to be different. Not that I was. I sighed to myself. These thoughts were driving me crazy, all ready. That’s when I heard the video game music coming from the other room. Leave it to Mike to always save me from myself. I sat up and climbed out of bed, which seemed to wake Rachael. She turned in bed, facing me now. I looked at her. She was still sleeping. She looked so peaceful. I smiled at her and then went into the living room to join Mike. He was sitting on the floor hugging his knees with the controller in his hands. He turned his head and grinned at me, then returned to the game. I laughed and plopped down on the floor next to him. This was going to be a fun weekend, spent with my friends. I called my mom and apologized for not letting her know I wouldn’t be home last night. I told her I’d stayed at Rachael’s but didn’t bother to mention, just yet, that it was at her own apartment. Then I said I probably wouldn’t be home tonight either, before grabbing the other controller and challenging Mike to a game.
Monday morning I was beat. Mike Rach and I had spent the entire weekend in her apartment, leaving only to go buy snacks and pop. We had played video games and watched movies on the shitty DVD player she had taken from her house. We’d been up until almost four Monday night trying to get to the next part in Resident Evil. I dragged myself from class to class, and as I walked into astronomy, Taylor suddenly popped back into my head. I hadn’t thought about her at all the entire weekend since I’d had my slight crush thought. I sat down and looked over just in time to see her walk in the door. She met my gaze, and smiled. She came over and sat down next to me. I stared at my hand. I had butterflies in my stomach. She made me nervous. It had to be just because I felt uncomfortable because of my thoughts, right?
“How was your weekend?” She asked, smiling at me. I felt tongue tied. This was not normal. I felt my stomach tighten up. I did like her, didn’t I? I hadn’t felt like this since I was a kid. I thought for a moment.
“Uh, it was good. I stayed at my friends apartment all weekend. We… Uh… we ate a lot of junk food.” I didn’t know what to say. I sounded dumb. She giggled quietly and then she smiled at me.
“I’m glad you had fun. I did a lot of unpacking all weekend, that wasn’t any fun at all.” She smiled at me. I looked at the board, anything to get my gaze off of her face. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t done my homework. I looked back at her. “Forgot, didn’t you?” She opened her folder, took out a piece of paper, and handed it to me. As I reached for it, our hands touched, and I paused for a moment. I definitely felt a spark. I took it and copied down the answers, changing one or two. I smiled at her as I handed it back. I couldn’t think straight. I liked her. I liked a girl. I had to be confused, right?
Class was boring. I just stared at the board, writing down every third or fourth thing he said, whether it had any importance or not, I just couldn’t concentrate. She kept glancing at me, and I would try to look busy. I didn’t know what to say or do. After class, I muttered something about that I was going to go eat, and I’d see her, before dashing off to the bathroom where I stayed all of class. I sat there on the toilet seat and thought. I liked a girl. There was no question about it, the feelings I had for her, they were a crush. But it was just a crush. A crush was nothing big, right? I decided it wasn’t anything big and I was probably just confused and needed some sleep when the bell rang. I got to class as quickly as I could.
There I sat, head in my hands, staring at my desk, pondering about how to handle this, when Ms. Walters walked up to me.
“You look lost in thought, and you don’t look too happy. Anything you want to talk about?” I looked up at her. She was smiling at me. She was wearing another short skirt, and I could see her legs. I caught myself glancing at them which made me even sicker. Was I a lesbian? I was looking at women. She seemed concerned. She squatted next to my desk again. “Sweetie? You ok?” She reached out to touch my forehead. I grabbed her hand. Then I felt dumb, and let go.
“Fine. I’m fine.” I said, feeling dumb. I looked at her. She was genuinely concerned.
“You sure you don’t want to talk? I can assure you that nothing you say will leave this classroom.” I smiled at her then looked at my desk. What do you want me to say? That I’m a lesbian? I’m not. I’ve never felt like this before. I… What would my parents say?
“I… I’ll talk to you after class, if that’s ok.” She smiled at me. I figured that was the only way to get rid of her in a nice way. She nodded and returned to her desk, where she gave me one last smile before getting lost in her book. I thought for a few minutes. Would I actually talk to her? Or would I make up an excuse and run? Wait. If I did that, I’d bump into Mike, and he’d KNOW something was wrong, and he’d make me explain, and I couldn’t do that. So, I’d have to stay and talk to her. But what would I tell her? I debated all of class what to tell her. I still wasn’t completely sure when the bell rang. I waited until everyone else had left before wandering up, slowly, to her desk.
“So? What seems to be bugging you?” She asked, walking over and closing the door, then sitting down at one of the desks made for the students. I sat down next to her and looked at her. She was so nice. She really cared about me. And, she was beautiful. There I went again.
“I’m not sure. I’m kind of confused I guess.” She smiled at me. She nodded her head slightly, egging me to go on. “I think I might like someone…” Saying that made me choke on my words. I stopped. I stared at my fingernails, thinking of how I needed to trim them. I glanced back up. She was still looking at me, waiting for me to continue. “I don’t know if I do. And… I don’t want to.” I felt horrible. I was saying Taylor was bad and I felt dumb for liking her, wasn’t I? “I mean, not that anything is wrong with her, but…” That’s when I paused, and bit my lip hard. I had just said her, hadn’t I? I saw her lose her smile for a split moment, before it returned. She had definatley heard.
“So, you like a girl?” She reached out and took my hand in hers. I felt dumbfounded. Why wasn’t she telling me I was a lesbian and I was horrible and no one would ever love me and I was going to hell? Why was she holding my hand? Why was she looking at me so approvingly? “It is completely normal to have these feelings at this age sweetie. You may just be going through the phase where you’re questioning yourself, or you may truly be this way. If you are, it’s ok, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” She squeezed my hand, and smiled at me again.
“I don’t know what I feel.” I had never just opened up to someone like this. NEVER. “I can’t get her off of my mind, but then I feel… Almost dirty, for thinking about a girl like that.” She squeezed my hand again.
“It really is nothing to be ashamed of sweetie, I’m so sorry you feel that way. It doesn’t mean that you’re a dirty person. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you at all. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that you’re a lesbian. I, personally, have liked both guys and girls. I went through this too at your age. I felt dirty. I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling this way, but it didn’t go away. I learned that it was normal. I talked to the girl I liked, and discovered she was a lesbian. We kissed, and we even went on a trial date, but decided it wasn’t going to work. I was probably a few years younger than you at that point in time. Since then I’ve dated a few guys and a few girls. There is nothing wrong with it sweetie, I promise you.” I eyed her. She was gorgeous. She was an amazing person. There was definitely nothing wrong with her. Maybe it was ok to feel this way. Maybe I wasn’t alone. The bell rang. I was very curious. I asked her to tell me about it, and she did. We talked twenty mintues into my next class, and she wrote me a pass. She said we’d talk more the next day, and sent me on my way.
That night as I lay in my own bed, I thought about it. I had told Rach and Mike I didn’t feel good, and had come home. I had played around on the net, looking up things about it and going into some chat rooms and other things. I had decided I was probably bi, like my teacher. I had decided she was an amazing person. And I had decided I definitely liked Taylor, and wanted to talk to her at some point in time. I added her to my friends list, but by then it was already one in the morning and I figured she was in bed. I did a little bit more research, and then decided to get to bed myself. I lay there, thinking of Ms. Walters, of her girl, of her kissing a girl. It turned me on slightly, and made me feel sick. I didn’t want to think of girls that way. Then my mind turned to Taylor. I pictured myself taking the same approach as Ms. Walters. I saw myself leaning in for a kiss. Then I stopped myself. I opened my eyes and stared into the darkness for a few minutes before falling asleep.
The next day I got to class as soon as I could, I was nervous about seeing Taylor and didn’t know what else to do. I stared hard at my notebook. I was bisexual. I’d been thinking about it all morning. I had a crush on a girl. In a way, I was proud, but at the same time, I was very very nervous and wasn’t sure how to tell my friends or my family. That’s when she walked in the door. I knew it was her, I could feel her walking across the room towards me. She sat down next to me and seemed unsure. I heard her swallow. She wasn’t sure what to say. I wondered what she’d think if she knew I liked her. I wondered how freaked out she’d be and how much she’d hate me. I felt her eyes look over me. I took a deep breath and turned towards her.
“Hi. How are you today?” I asked, sounding more cheerful than I’d intended. She seemed slightly shocked as well, but smiled at me.
“I’m good. I’m guessing you had a good night.” Her eyes, they were sucking me in.
“Yeah, it wasn’t bad. Didn’t do much other than go on my computer all night.” She giggled slightly. She was so cute. I knew I liked her. Right then and there, I knew. If I had been standing, my knees would have buckled. It wasn’t a crush. It was a full fleged like.
“Well, at least you had a good time.” She continued to talk. I paid attention and I nodded my head to acknowledge I was listening, but most of the time was spent just staring into those eyes of hers. She talked her head off about her weekend and about unpacking and about the restaurant that her family had tried last night until the bell rang. Mr. Ness announced we would be looking at the stars for the first time today, and passed out flashlights with red filters. He explained that red light is the only one that doesn’t cause your pupils to get smaller again, therefore making the adjustment from light to dark and back again easier on your eyes. Then he turned them off. A few people made dumb remarks. I kept my mouth shut, and wondered about things. I ended up falling asleep, and being woken up by Taylor nudging me moments before Mr. Ness turned back on the lights. She whispered to me I hadn’t missed much, just a quick overview of the different stars and constalations that we’d be going over more tomorrow. Then we walked to the library together.
“Sorry about falling asleep in there. I didn’t get much sleep last night. On the computer pretty late I guess.” She smiled at me. She had the most amazing smile, and her eyes, they sparkled like crazy whenever she smiled at me.
“Well… I’ve told you a lot about me, what about you?” She asked. No, she hadn’t. I barely knew anything about her, and I wanted to know as much as possible. I shrugged.
“Well… My name is Mel. I’m 20. I live with my mom and dad. I’m an only child so I spend a lot of time on my own. I love music.” I paused. What all did I want to tell her? Only everything. I’d never felt like this before. I kept talking and talking. She’d ask questions, and I’d reply. Then she’d take a turn. She loved animals, her dad had promised she could get a puppy as soon as they got the back yard fenced. The librarians yelled multiple times for us to shut up, so we passed a note. We talked about everything under the sun. I found her so easy to talk to, and everything she said to be so cute. I did my best to write in the neatest handwriting I could muster. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it, for her. When the bell rang, it startled both of us. We hadn’t been expecting it, we’d been so lost in our chat. We said goodbye, grinning at each other, and hurried off in our separate ways. I managed to keep the note. I knew I would treasure it forever.
I was sitting in class staring at the piece of paper when Ms. Walters walked up. She squatted down, made eye contact with me, and grinned. “It’s from her, isn’t it?” I laughed quietly. “You want to talk again after class today?” She asked. I nodded my head, and she returned to her desk. I had friends. I was even friends with a teacher. That was different, something I’d never done before. I paid attention in class, it was easy enough, so I let my mind wander. I read the note one time, then another. She was so cute. I wished more than anything I could tell Mike and Rachael. I knew she was all that would be on my mind, and I’d be talking about her a lot. So, how to do that without telling them? After class I walked up to the front and closed the desk, then pulled a chair up to her desk.
“Ms. Walters, should I tell my friends? I really want them to know, I want to be able to talk to them about her, but I’m so scared they won’t love me any more.” I sat there, staring at her.
“First of all, call me April. That’s my first name, just not in front of anyone, ok?” I nodded. She smiled. “Second of all, sweetie, if they’re really your friends, and they truly care about you, they will just want what’s best for you, and they will support you. I know it’s scary. It’s a big thing, and it may change your relationship. It may cause some changes, but the feeling of relief, the fact that you can be yourself around them, that is an amazing feeling.” I smiled slightly. I agreed, that would feel amazing. We talked through my entire next class. I told her all about Taylor, all the feelings I’d been feeling, the dreams, the things I’d read online. Everything. I spilled my heart to her in a way I had never done before. When I was done talking, I was almost breathless. She smiled at me. The bell rang and I realized I had missed my entire class. A worried look spread over my face. She noticed it, and stood up and gave me a huge hug. It was an amazing feeling. She was the only person in the world who knew my secret, and she completely accepted it. She was my friend, and she was helping me feel better about it. She told me she’d talk to my teacher and explain why I hadn’t been there, but we better not do this any more. Then she gave me her e-mail address so we could talk later if I wanted to. I thanked her and ran off to my last class of the day.
After school I bumped into Mike. He was walking by my locker, probably searching for me. “Hey.” He said, eying me. He knew something was up. We hadn’t ever gone that long without talking.
“Hi. Sorry, I gotta go.” I told him throwing everything my locker and slamming it, getting ready to turn around and bolt before he could ask.
“No.” He grabbed my arm. He turned me to face him. “What’s up? Are you mad at me or something?” I stared at him.
“No, of course not. I just… Have to go. My… Uh… My mom is picking me up. I have… A doctors appointment.” I had never in my life lied to Mike. He knew I was lying, I could see it in his eyes, but he just shrugged and let go of me. I took one last look at him and dashed off. I ran the entire way home.
At home, I pulled out April’s e-mail address. It was at AOL, I wondered if that meant she’d ever be on AIM. So, I added her. Within the next hour both she and Taylor signed on. I IMed them both, nervously. And I talked to both of them the entire night. When Mike and Rachael signed on, I blocked them both. I felt horrible, but I wasn’t ready to talk to them yet.
That night, I had a dream where April Taylor and I went to some amusement park. I was happier than I’d ever been. But then we went on some haunted house ride, and inside, Mike and Rachael sprung up out of coffins. They asked me why I was avoiding them and what I was doing with my life. Then they saw me, with my arms around Taylor and April, and they just turned around and disappeared. I mean, it’s a dream. I woke up scared. What was I going to do? How was I going to tell them? That’s what April and I had been discussing.
I avoided Mike the entire day the next day at school and I didn’t reply to any of Rachael’s texts. I practically ran to astronomy and grabbed the best flashlights I could find for me and Taylor. She came in and smiled at me, taking the flashlight. We talked until the bell rang, and then Mr. Ness turned off the lights almost immediately. I leaned back in my chair and prepared myself to stay awake this time. That’s when Taylor’s hand found mine in the darkess. First she just kind of rubbed it, gently, then she took my fingers and intertwined them with hers. I was truly in heaven, and my mind was swirling. Was it possible? Did she like me back? Or was she just friendly in this way with all of her friends? We held hands the entire class period, with her occasionally rubbing my hand with her thumb. I was so happy it amazed me and it was all I could think about.
It was a girl, probably about my age, maybe a little younger. She definitely was lost, she had a very noticeable look of confusion on her face as she kept studying the small piece of paper in her hand and then looking at the locker numbers as she passed. It was obviously her first day here and she had yet to figure out where her locker was. I wondered if she realized the lockers were usually right outside of the homerooms and it would probably be a lot easier to go find her homeroom first. I was thinking about approaching her, even though it wasn’t something I normally did, just as a huge group of people walked in front of me and I lost sight of her. I sighed and turned back to my locker, wondering if this year would at all be different.
I took one last glance down the hall searching for the mysterious girl in red before giving up and deciding to go ahead and go to class. I walked into my homeroom and took the desk in the back corner, where I had sat every day for the past three years. I put my headphones on, turned on my ipod, and put my head down on my desk. I didn’t plan on watching the morning announcements, I never had before.
My fourth class of the day was astronomy. I had always loved the stars. I hadn’t really wanted to take this class, but my counselor had assured me that I NEEDED another science course in order to be able to graduate, and, being I loved the stars, this would be the way to go. I knew where the planetarium was. Not only had I taken field trips there as a child, but I passed it all the time in my three first years in this building. I headed there, stopping at the water fountain, and found a seat in the back corner, as always. I was one of the first people there as my history class was just three doors down. I pulled out my notebook, all I ever took on the first day of school, as I noticed the figure in red walk in the door. I got a good look at her face for the first time.
She had light brown hair and the bluest eyes I’d ever seen, I could see how blue and sparkly they were even from across the room. She was carrying a folder and a notebook, both clutched to her chest, covering the front of her red t-shirt. She was wearing a pair of nice fitting blue jeans and some converse tennis shoes. She caught my eye. I wasn’t embarrassed to be looking at her, it was a common occurrence for people to watch the door on the first day of class to see if any friends happened to be in class with them. We made eye contact for a split moment before I gave her a small smile and turned my attention back to my notebook. I opened it to the fourth page, I hadn’t even managed an entire page of notes in any of my other classes yet.
That was when I noticed the red figure slide into the seat next to me. There were empty seats all over the room, and the entire row I was in was empty, yet she had sat right next to me. I took my eyes off of my notebook and glanced in her direction. She was smiling shyly at me. I smiled back, not sure what was going on, and looked back at my notebook. I pulled my blue pen out of my pocket and took the lid off. I could feel her eyes on me, she was still watching. I looked back up at her. Sure enough, she was still watching me, and still clinging the notebook and folder to her chest.
“Hi. I’m Taylor.” She said, extending her hand. I eyed her for a moment. I wasn’t in a very social mood, but I decided I’d go along with this anyway. I took her hand in mine. She had a very firm, yet soft grip.
“Melissa, but everyone calls me Mel.” I said, noticing just how sparkly her eyes were in person. I wondered what she wanted. Why had she chosen me out of everyone else in the room? Who else was in our class anyway? I pried my eyes away from hers and surveyed the room quickly. Jen Reeves was at the front of the room, as always. She was little miss perfect; blond hair, drop dead body, teachers pet as well as popular with all the guys. There were a few other familiar faces, but none I knew too well.
I looked down at myself for a moment. Black jeans, black t-shirt with Slipknot across the front; black skater shoes as well as the dyed black hair. I was not exactly gothic or anything although everyone always seemed to think I must be evil, simply because of the way I dressed and the fact that I had my eyebrow pierced. That was part of the reason I wanted more than anything to get out of this place, no one understood that I was actually a great person, a tad shy, I just couldn’t stand life in this dumb town, that was my only issue. I glanced back at her. She was looking at her own shoes, seemed lost in her thoughts.
“First day?” I asked, attempting to kill the awkward silence. She blinked a couple times and then looked back up at me. She had a far away look in her eyes for a moment, then seemed to refocus on my own.
“Yeah. How’d you guess?” She was very quiet, definitely lost in her own thoughts.
“I saw you searching for your locker this morning. I mean, I figured that’s what you were doing anyway. Did you ever find it?” I felt dumb, for the first time in forever, I felt strange talking to someone and not knowing what to say.
“Oh. Did I look that lost?” She laughed shyly. “Yeah, I did. This school is pretty big. I transferred here from Denson, we only had like 30 kids in my class there.” I laughed quietly. Here we had over 500 kids per class, and we were in a three story building. I’d never heard of Denson, but I was guessing with that small of a class size, it was probably only a floor if two.
“This must be crazy for you then. Where’s your next class? I can point you in the right direction if you want.” Why was I being so nice? This was the most conversation I’d had all day. Maybe I was just eager to talk? No, that didn’t sound like me.
“I… Uhhh…” She pulled out her schedule and stared at it for a moment, then looked back at me. “I think I have lunch next.” I thought for a moment. I did as well. Did she have any friends yet? Should I ask her to sit with me? I hadn’t seen Mike yet, I wasn’t sure if we had lunch together or not. If not, I wasn’t sure who I’d be sitting with myself. “Where’s that?” She asked, interrupting my thoughts.
“Oh, it’s… Well, what grade are you in? Because that would decide whether you eat first or second, and where I need to point you to.” I hadn’t even thought of that yet. Seniors and freshman ate together. I had always thought that was the dumbest set up, but that was the way of it anyway.
“Junior.” She blurted out almost immediately. Well, there went that idea. She almost seemed to read my mind. “I mean, I wasn’t planning on eating today though. Is there any way I wouldn’t have to go to the cafeteria?” I thought for a minute then smiled slightly.
“Welll… If you don’t want to skip completely,” I laughed slightly, that was what I had done my entire junior year, Mike and I. “Then you can go to the library. Just know that the librarians are all old women who love to talk your head off and you can’t talk to any students and you also can’t go on a computer unless you have an assignment and even then all the sites are blocked.” I got lost in my thoughts for a split moment of all the times Mike and I had gotten in trouble in the library, the exact reason we had started skipping to begin with.
She seemed startled for a moment. “Oh. Uhhm… What would you recommend?” She seemed to be looking up to me already. This definitely wasn’t something I was used to. Not in this crowd anyway.
“I have lunch next period too. I can take you to the library if you want.” Here I was again, being so nice to her. What had gotten over me? I was perplexed. I looked at her, her blue eyes stared into mine, and I lost all track of what I had been questioning.
“That would be great.” She smiled at me. Her eyes sparkled. She was beautiful. I was lost in her eyes. The bell rang and woke me up. I turned towards the board where our teacher Mr. Ness introduced himself and got straight into class. I had planned and trying to talk to her some more, there was something about her that confused and intrigued me. But he was busy explaining things, and she was busy jotting in her notebook. Without anyone noticing, I slid my headphones over the ear facing away from her so she wouldn’t notice, and got lost in the world of my favorite music until the bell rang again. I stared at the board. We had homework already. I didn’t like this guy. She turned to face me. She was smiling. She sure seemed like a happy person, the exact opposite of me. “You ready?” She asked, distracting me from my instant dislike of Mr. Ness.
“Sure, lets go.” I replied, closing my notebook before she could notice my page was blank. She closed her own notebook and stood up. I followed her out of the room where she stepped aside so I could lead the way. We walked, in silence, side by side, up the steps, down the hallway, and into the library. There, we signed in by sliding our ID cards through the small black machine on the desk and then found our seats. I took a seat at the table farthest from the library desk, in the corner, as always. She walked up and put her books on the opposite end of the table. “Do you like it here so far?”
“It is really big. There are a lot of people. My old school was like a fifth of this place. I mean, it’s going to take a lot of getting used to, but other than that, I like it.” She liked to talk. Making yes or no answers into long explanations, yet, I didn’t mind it. I had been on this kick lately where everyone had been annoying me. Everyone other than Mike and our friend Rachael, who had graduated last year and already gotten out of this place. She went to the local community college, waiting for us, and hung out with us almost every day. The three of us had been inseparable since Mike and I were in third grade and she was in fourth. We had met on the playground because all three of us wanting nothing to do with the idiotic games the other kids played. I couldn’t remember now who had approached who, and why we had all decided to let each other in, but we had. We had been the best of friends ever since.
“I see.” I replied still lost slightly in my flashbacks. Mike and Rachael were amazing. They and I were almost the same soul split into three bodies. We could finish each others sentences, we could know what the others were thinking. We had each others backs no matter what stupid decision the other one made to get themselves in trouble in the first place.
“Yeah. I mean… I don’t really know anyone here yet. I knew everyone at my old school.” She definitely liked to talk. I glanced at her. She had taken the seat next to me and was staring at me intently. She was almost studying me.
“I know a lot of them, and I can tell you you don’t want to know the majority of them.” I definitely sounded as dark as I looked. I wondered if that bothered her. I watched her face, wondering how she would react to me. Her expression didn’t change. Her eyes lost their sparkle for a split moment, but then it was back. I wondered why I made her sparkle like that.
“Oh. You don’t have many friends?” She’d figured me out already hadn’t she? It wasn’t that I wasn’t a friendly person or anything. I had a few friends around school. I just had a really hard time letting people in, truly. There was something about this girl. Some vibe she was giving off. I had the feeling already she was different than everyone else here.
“I do. I just choose not to make friends with the majority of them.” She nodded slightly, seeming not sure how to take me in. “Once you get to know them, I think you’ll understand.” I looked down at her and for the first time saw her t-shirt. It was for some punk band I’d heard of once or twice, something you’d definitely find at Hot Topic. So, at least we had somewhat similar tastes.
“I think I know what you mean. A lot of them don’t seem like very interesting people, and a few of them also seem only to care of themselves, and if I can see that on the first day of meeting them, then I’m sure how many years with them has been crazy.” She smiled at me sweetly. I didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t felt this way about anyone in the longest time. I wasn’t sure what it was. I already felt at home with her, I already felt I could be myself with her. It’s very rare you find someone you can trust that quickly and easily. When you’re me anyway. I gave her a small smile as the bell rang and the librarians yelled at us all not to talk for the rest of the period. She shrugged her shoulders at me and opened her notebook to an empty page and began scribbling crazily. I looked away. She was probably writing a note to her boyfriend or something.
I opened my own and began to doodle. I was drawing some strange cartoon sort of character when the bell rang a second time. I looked over at her and she smiled at me, she had already been looking at me. She handed me a small piece of paper and then told me she thought her next class was on the third floor so she had to go, and with that, she walked off. I was unsure of what to do next. I stuffed the note into my pocket, I figured I’d need something to occupy me in my next class. Math was, after all, my least favorite subject.
I took the corner seat in the class and pulled the piece of paper out of my pocket. I eyed it for a moment before deciding to give the class a chance before opening it. I stared at the board. Things from the class before ours were still all over the board. Looked like they had played some dumb game where they had introduced themselves and written random facts about each other all over. I laughed slightly to myself, thanking God I hadn’t been in that class. The teacher walked in. A young woman. She took a seat at the desk, and then glanced up. She seemed to notice the writing all over the board and become almost as disgusted with it as I felt. She pulled herself out of her desk and cleaned the boards, collapsing again into her seat. I wondered if she wasn’t going to be so bad after all. I decided to give her a chance. She seemed nice enough. I looked at the note again. Curiosity overwhelmed me, but I decided to torture myself by sticking it back in my pocket for the mean time. I looked back up at the teacher. She couldn’t have been out of college for more than five years. She was very attractive. Nice body, blond hair. Her eyes were difficult to make out from here, reminding me of Taylor and just how sparkly her eyes had been. I shook my head slightly as though to free myself from my thoughts and continued to study my new teacher. She was wearing a blue button down shirt and a semi short black dress skirt. She had on some semi dressy, semi not high heels. I had respect for the woman already. She dressed up but not to a point to make herself uncomfortable. I shrugged my shoulders and put my head down until I heard that annoying bell go off again. I lifted my head. She was standing directly in front of me. The class was almost full and every single student was talking to at least one other with the exception of me.
“Hi,” she extended her hand “I’m Ms. Walters. What’s your name?” What was with all these people picking me out and then forcing me to shake hands? I slowly extended my own, taking hers in my hand. It was slightly clammy. Not at all like Taylor’s. Why did my mind keep shooting back to her?
“Melissa, but you can call me Mel.” I mumbled slightly. She smiled at me. She had grey eyes. I hadn’t seen eyes like that before, they mystified me slightly. I definitely had a thing for eyes. Always had.
“It’s nice to meet you Mel.” She squatted down next to my desk and lowered her voice slightly. “I couldn’t help but notice you weren’t talking to anyone, so I thought I’d come say hi to you. You remind me of myself a few years ago.” She winked at me and returned to her desk. I was stumped. So many people today. So many people who had actually had a good impact on me. Well. Two, but hey, that was more than usual. She introduced her to the class and told us a little about herself. Said she had only been out of school for two years. She had taught at some private school for handicapped students her first year before deciding she wanted to do public school. She said as corny as it sounded, she had gone to a public school herself and had wished she had a teacher like the one she was hoping to be. She smiled slightly, and her eyes found mine out of the class. She held my gaze for a moment before continuing. She told us some about her background and said she wanted to get to know us. I sighed. This was going to be one of those introduce your things, wasn’t it? She seemed to read my thoughts. “Please get a piece of paper out and write me a page worth about yourself. Tell me your name, your e-mail address if you have one so I can send you your grades, and anything you love to do. Tell me what you hate most in math or what you’re the worst at so I can give you some extra help when we reach that subject. Tell me what you like to do out side of school. Tell me what kind of music and movies you like. Tell me anything you want, so long as it’s a page long and school appropriate.” And with that, she sat down at her desk and pulled out a small black leather book. I smiled to myself. Maybe this year wasn’t going to be so bad after all.
I wrote my page, using slightly larger than usual handwriting just so I could finish faster. I said I loved Slipknot and many other heavy metal bands. I said Mike Rachael and I had often thought of making our own band, and I had actually been teaching myself to play the guitar for the past three years and actually wasn’t too bad. I said I hated math over all, but I was decent at it. Said I hated fractions in particular. I told her my e-mail address even though I usually didn’t give it out in situations like this. I filled up the page more easily than I had expected, and jumped up to take it to her desk. She already had a paper or two on her desk. I was surprised I wasn’t the first done, and even more surprised I hadn’t heard the other kids take their papers up. Had I been that into my writing? She looked up and caught my eye.
“Thought I was going to make you talk, didn’t you?” She smiled at me. I smiled back slightly. There was something about her. She reminded me of someone, but I wasn’t sure who. “I’d like to talk to you after class some day soon if you have time.” She said, and then returned her gaze back to the black leather book. It was a grade book of some sort, with all of our names listed alphabetically in her handwriting. I sighed quietly to myself. Today was strange. Then I returned to my desk. Only another ten minutes left to class. I could easily take a nap or whip back out the ipod. Yet, my mind returned to the small piece of paper in my desk. I contemplated it for a moment then decided I couldn’t take the suspension any longer. I took it out.
It was addressed to me, then it said that she had had a good time talking to me today. She said she’d love to talk to me sometime out of school, if I was up to it. Then she had given me her AIM screen name as well as her cell phone number. Then she had signed it, and put a small red heart next to her name. Her handwriting was neat without being annoyingly perfect. I stared at it for a moment. Someone really wanted to know me. It was a Friday. I wouldn’t be seeing either of them until Monday. I glanced back up at Ms. Walters. She was lost in thought, still staring at that dumb black book. I wondered what she would be doing this weekend. I loved how little kids thought that teachers weren’t real people. Almost androids, who lived at the school and did nothing other than teach. She was a person. She had a life. She would be going home tonight, and she would be entertaining herself in one way or another this weekend. I thought it was somewhat admirable of her that she had returned to a public school. She said I reminded her of herself. I would never come back. As much as I knew I could make a better teacher than most of the people here, I wouldn’t put myself through it. She was a nice person.
I sat there lost in my thoughts for the last few minutes of class. The bell rang, and I left, shooting her a quick smile on the way out the door. I didn’t want to talk to her today, I still wasn’t sure how I felt. In the hall I ran into Mike. Literally. He was walking past the door just as I walked out of it.
Mike was much like me. Dressed all in black, although he had kept his short brown hair. We had all considered dying our hair black, had even bought enough dye to do so, but I had been the only to actually go through with it. He grinned at me and wrapped his arm around me. “How you doing today Melly?” He was the only person in the universe I would ever allow to call me such a dumb nickname. I smiled back at him.
“Interesting actually. It seems like this year might not suck all that much.” He gave me a surprised look.
“Oh yeah?” He laughed quietly. “I already knew that since this is our last year in this hell hole.” I laughed with him this time.
“That is definitely true. I met a new girl, she’s pretty nice.” I fingered the unfolded note that was on top of my notebook and handed it to him. “Also have a math teacher who seems pretty decent.” He read the note and handed it back to me, eying me slightly.
“Ok then girly. We’re still doing something tonight right? I was hoping we could go see that new flick at West Geagua.” I laughed. West Geagua was the theater near us that played the private films none of the other theaters played. Mike had a thing for liking things no one else had ever heard of, and loved most of the movies there, whether or not they made any sense to us.
“Of couse. Rachael’s picking us up from here.” I glanced up for a moment and realized we had reached my next class. I poked him and quickly ran in the door, not giving him a chance to return it.
The rest of the day drug by. After class I hurried to my locker. I shoved my notebook inside and grabbed my hoodie. I looked around quickly. No one I knew. Mike would probably just meet me outside. With that, I closed my locker and snuck out the back way to hide near the door Rachael would be picking us up at. I was right. Mike was already there, leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette. I eyed him. Smoking was the one thing I had never liked about Mike. He had ventured off to a new group of friends for about a month our freshman year, who had gotten him into things we would never normally allow each other to do, and he’d gotten hooked. Not only that, but he seemed to think it made him look hott, which completely made every attempt to make him quit fail. He shook his head at me and smiled, exhailing up into the air.
Most people who saw us would probably assume, simply by the way we dressed and whatnot, that we drank and smoked and did drugs. I hated that. I hated stereotypes, another reason I was eager to leave here. It wasn’t true. We’d never tried a single drug, other than the one time of course when we found Rachael’s brother Steve’s stash. We’d only been in seventh and eighth grade at the time and had no clue what it was. We’d tried it, and it had screwed us up so bad we’d never gone near it again. Drinking was fun on occasion but it was something none of us ever wanted to turn into a habbit. I was thinking about how dumb people’s assumptions were when I saw the black SUV pull up. It was Rachael. I grinned at Mike. He had yet to put out his cigarette, that meant I had the front seat because I’d make it there before him. We were so dumb sometimes, like little kids, but it made life fun. I ran and jumped in next to Rachael. She smiled at me. Her red hair was in her eye, as usual, but she didn’t seem to notice. She was wearing a white tanktop and black shorts. She had gorgeous green eyes. Mike’s were blue, but they were a darker blue, unlike Taylor’s. There I went again! I smacked myself in the forehead, gaining Rachael’s attention. She opened her mouth to ask me about it just as Mike hopped in the backseat, saving me. Rachael spun to face him and then grinned, looking from one of us to the other.
“I have a surprise for you two.” She told us, her eyes almost bulging out she was smiling so much. I sat back in my seat and eyed her. Mike apparently did the same as she started cracking up and punched us both in the shoulder before turning back to face the wheel. “You ready?”
“Sure.” Mike answered from the backseat. She looked at me. I simply nodded. Today sure was a strange day. She drove off, I buckled my seat belt. It was the law, not to mention that Rachael had MAJOR road rage on occasion. She got on the freeway and headed off toward downtown, turning the radio to our favorite station. We all sat in silence, Rachael with the slightest trace of a smile on her face as she drove off into who knows where. I got lost in my thoughts again when I noticed we were getting off at an exit, we were almost downtown, but not quite there. She took a few side streets and then pulled into a driveway. In front of us was a two story white house. Mike and I sat in silence for a few minutes, Rachael looking from one to the other. “Well?!” She asked almost bursting with excitement. I turned and looked at Mike. He shrugged at me, seeming as confused as I felt. “I’m renting it! I finally had enough of my stepdad.” She turned off the car and shook the keys in our faces. “I only have the second story, but it’s better than nothing, right?” With that, she got out of the car. I took her example and got out as well, Mike coming by my side. He poked me in the side and then shrugged at me again.
Rachael led us up the front steps and through the door that she unlocked with her key, and seemed so proud to do so. Once through the door, there were more steps. A set leading up and a set leading down. She took the set leading up and Mike and I followed, where she unlocked a door leading into a small room with some furniture. I recognized a chair or two from her house. There was the small TV set she had had in her bedroom. She pulled me through the door, doing the same to Mike once I was in, and then closing the door.
“Uhhmmm… Wow?” I said, not sure what else to say. Rachael seemed so happy. She held out her arms and then spun around in a circle. “That’s where you’ve been all week, isn’t it?” She nodded. She hadn’t hung out with us all week. She’d had some dumb excuse each night. Now it all made sense.
“So, I am taking the fold out couch from my basement, and then I bought a king size mattress. I figure that way you two can stay with me whenever you want.” She was still grinning. I looked at Mike. He smiled at me. The three of us hugged, and then I started laughing. Our whole world was changing. We finally had our own place to hang out at without having to worry about annoying parents waking us up or yelling at us for being too loud, or my favorite, yelling at us about having Mike sleep over. That would be my parents. They were stuck in the old days, and still bitched every time I had Mike over, even though anything sexual happening between us made me want to puke.
I woke up the next morning on the mattress next to Rachael. We had played video games on the small TV and eaten pizza all night. Then we’d left Mike on the floor in the living room and Rachael and I had gone to bed together. I opened my eyes and looked over. She was under the sheets with me, still in her white tanktop, but had lost the shorts somewhere along the way. I could see her white boxer underwear with little pink hearts on them. She was facing the other way. I smiled to myself. I had the best friends anyone could ask for. I wondered if Mike was up yet. It was still silent. He would be playing video games if he was up, and he wouldn’t be afraid to have the volume on because he knew how heavy of sleepers Rachael and I were. So, I assumed I was the only one. I put my hands behind my head and stared up at the ceiling thinking. Why was Taylor on my mind again? I just couldn’t get those eyes out of my mind. I hadn’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. What was it? It couldn’t be a crush… Could it?
Just having those thoughts cross my mind made me feel confused. When was the last time I’d had a crush? I had thought Jon Rose in our chemistry class last year was cute… But I don’t know that I’d call it a crush. I’d never really dated anyone. None of us had. Rachael had had this off again on again boyfriend named Todd about two years ago, but she refused to blow us off for him and still spent almost all of her time with us, which pissed him off. So, the three of us had remained single. I couldn’t have a crush on her. Could I? I wasn’t a lesbian. I looked over at Rachael. She was still asleep. I mean, I’d thought girls were hott before. I’d never really told Mike or Rach, I wasn’t sure how they’d take it. But I’d never liked a girl. I didn’t want to be different. Not that I was. I sighed to myself. These thoughts were driving me crazy, all ready. That’s when I heard the video game music coming from the other room. Leave it to Mike to always save me from myself. I sat up and climbed out of bed, which seemed to wake Rachael. She turned in bed, facing me now. I looked at her. She was still sleeping. She looked so peaceful. I smiled at her and then went into the living room to join Mike. He was sitting on the floor hugging his knees with the controller in his hands. He turned his head and grinned at me, then returned to the game. I laughed and plopped down on the floor next to him. This was going to be a fun weekend, spent with my friends. I called my mom and apologized for not letting her know I wouldn’t be home last night. I told her I’d stayed at Rachael’s but didn’t bother to mention, just yet, that it was at her own apartment. Then I said I probably wouldn’t be home tonight either, before grabbing the other controller and challenging Mike to a game.
Monday morning I was beat. Mike Rach and I had spent the entire weekend in her apartment, leaving only to go buy snacks and pop. We had played video games and watched movies on the shitty DVD player she had taken from her house. We’d been up until almost four Monday night trying to get to the next part in Resident Evil. I dragged myself from class to class, and as I walked into astronomy, Taylor suddenly popped back into my head. I hadn’t thought about her at all the entire weekend since I’d had my slight crush thought. I sat down and looked over just in time to see her walk in the door. She met my gaze, and smiled. She came over and sat down next to me. I stared at my hand. I had butterflies in my stomach. She made me nervous. It had to be just because I felt uncomfortable because of my thoughts, right?
“How was your weekend?” She asked, smiling at me. I felt tongue tied. This was not normal. I felt my stomach tighten up. I did like her, didn’t I? I hadn’t felt like this since I was a kid. I thought for a moment.
“Uh, it was good. I stayed at my friends apartment all weekend. We… Uh… we ate a lot of junk food.” I didn’t know what to say. I sounded dumb. She giggled quietly and then she smiled at me.
“I’m glad you had fun. I did a lot of unpacking all weekend, that wasn’t any fun at all.” She smiled at me. I looked at the board, anything to get my gaze off of her face. That’s when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn’t done my homework. I looked back at her. “Forgot, didn’t you?” She opened her folder, took out a piece of paper, and handed it to me. As I reached for it, our hands touched, and I paused for a moment. I definitely felt a spark. I took it and copied down the answers, changing one or two. I smiled at her as I handed it back. I couldn’t think straight. I liked her. I liked a girl. I had to be confused, right?
Class was boring. I just stared at the board, writing down every third or fourth thing he said, whether it had any importance or not, I just couldn’t concentrate. She kept glancing at me, and I would try to look busy. I didn’t know what to say or do. After class, I muttered something about that I was going to go eat, and I’d see her, before dashing off to the bathroom where I stayed all of class. I sat there on the toilet seat and thought. I liked a girl. There was no question about it, the feelings I had for her, they were a crush. But it was just a crush. A crush was nothing big, right? I decided it wasn’t anything big and I was probably just confused and needed some sleep when the bell rang. I got to class as quickly as I could.
There I sat, head in my hands, staring at my desk, pondering about how to handle this, when Ms. Walters walked up to me.
“You look lost in thought, and you don’t look too happy. Anything you want to talk about?” I looked up at her. She was smiling at me. She was wearing another short skirt, and I could see her legs. I caught myself glancing at them which made me even sicker. Was I a lesbian? I was looking at women. She seemed concerned. She squatted next to my desk again. “Sweetie? You ok?” She reached out to touch my forehead. I grabbed her hand. Then I felt dumb, and let go.
“Fine. I’m fine.” I said, feeling dumb. I looked at her. She was genuinely concerned.
“You sure you don’t want to talk? I can assure you that nothing you say will leave this classroom.” I smiled at her then looked at my desk. What do you want me to say? That I’m a lesbian? I’m not. I’ve never felt like this before. I… What would my parents say?
“I… I’ll talk to you after class, if that’s ok.” She smiled at me. I figured that was the only way to get rid of her in a nice way. She nodded and returned to her desk, where she gave me one last smile before getting lost in her book. I thought for a few minutes. Would I actually talk to her? Or would I make up an excuse and run? Wait. If I did that, I’d bump into Mike, and he’d KNOW something was wrong, and he’d make me explain, and I couldn’t do that. So, I’d have to stay and talk to her. But what would I tell her? I debated all of class what to tell her. I still wasn’t completely sure when the bell rang. I waited until everyone else had left before wandering up, slowly, to her desk.
“So? What seems to be bugging you?” She asked, walking over and closing the door, then sitting down at one of the desks made for the students. I sat down next to her and looked at her. She was so nice. She really cared about me. And, she was beautiful. There I went again.
“I’m not sure. I’m kind of confused I guess.” She smiled at me. She nodded her head slightly, egging me to go on. “I think I might like someone…” Saying that made me choke on my words. I stopped. I stared at my fingernails, thinking of how I needed to trim them. I glanced back up. She was still looking at me, waiting for me to continue. “I don’t know if I do. And… I don’t want to.” I felt horrible. I was saying Taylor was bad and I felt dumb for liking her, wasn’t I? “I mean, not that anything is wrong with her, but…” That’s when I paused, and bit my lip hard. I had just said her, hadn’t I? I saw her lose her smile for a split moment, before it returned. She had definatley heard.
“So, you like a girl?” She reached out and took my hand in hers. I felt dumbfounded. Why wasn’t she telling me I was a lesbian and I was horrible and no one would ever love me and I was going to hell? Why was she holding my hand? Why was she looking at me so approvingly? “It is completely normal to have these feelings at this age sweetie. You may just be going through the phase where you’re questioning yourself, or you may truly be this way. If you are, it’s ok, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” She squeezed my hand, and smiled at me again.
“I don’t know what I feel.” I had never just opened up to someone like this. NEVER. “I can’t get her off of my mind, but then I feel… Almost dirty, for thinking about a girl like that.” She squeezed my hand again.
“It really is nothing to be ashamed of sweetie, I’m so sorry you feel that way. It doesn’t mean that you’re a dirty person. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you at all. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that you’re a lesbian. I, personally, have liked both guys and girls. I went through this too at your age. I felt dirty. I felt like something was wrong with me for feeling this way, but it didn’t go away. I learned that it was normal. I talked to the girl I liked, and discovered she was a lesbian. We kissed, and we even went on a trial date, but decided it wasn’t going to work. I was probably a few years younger than you at that point in time. Since then I’ve dated a few guys and a few girls. There is nothing wrong with it sweetie, I promise you.” I eyed her. She was gorgeous. She was an amazing person. There was definitely nothing wrong with her. Maybe it was ok to feel this way. Maybe I wasn’t alone. The bell rang. I was very curious. I asked her to tell me about it, and she did. We talked twenty mintues into my next class, and she wrote me a pass. She said we’d talk more the next day, and sent me on my way.
That night as I lay in my own bed, I thought about it. I had told Rach and Mike I didn’t feel good, and had come home. I had played around on the net, looking up things about it and going into some chat rooms and other things. I had decided I was probably bi, like my teacher. I had decided she was an amazing person. And I had decided I definitely liked Taylor, and wanted to talk to her at some point in time. I added her to my friends list, but by then it was already one in the morning and I figured she was in bed. I did a little bit more research, and then decided to get to bed myself. I lay there, thinking of Ms. Walters, of her girl, of her kissing a girl. It turned me on slightly, and made me feel sick. I didn’t want to think of girls that way. Then my mind turned to Taylor. I pictured myself taking the same approach as Ms. Walters. I saw myself leaning in for a kiss. Then I stopped myself. I opened my eyes and stared into the darkness for a few minutes before falling asleep.
The next day I got to class as soon as I could, I was nervous about seeing Taylor and didn’t know what else to do. I stared hard at my notebook. I was bisexual. I’d been thinking about it all morning. I had a crush on a girl. In a way, I was proud, but at the same time, I was very very nervous and wasn’t sure how to tell my friends or my family. That’s when she walked in the door. I knew it was her, I could feel her walking across the room towards me. She sat down next to me and seemed unsure. I heard her swallow. She wasn’t sure what to say. I wondered what she’d think if she knew I liked her. I wondered how freaked out she’d be and how much she’d hate me. I felt her eyes look over me. I took a deep breath and turned towards her.
“Hi. How are you today?” I asked, sounding more cheerful than I’d intended. She seemed slightly shocked as well, but smiled at me.
“I’m good. I’m guessing you had a good night.” Her eyes, they were sucking me in.
“Yeah, it wasn’t bad. Didn’t do much other than go on my computer all night.” She giggled slightly. She was so cute. I knew I liked her. Right then and there, I knew. If I had been standing, my knees would have buckled. It wasn’t a crush. It was a full fleged like.
“Well, at least you had a good time.” She continued to talk. I paid attention and I nodded my head to acknowledge I was listening, but most of the time was spent just staring into those eyes of hers. She talked her head off about her weekend and about unpacking and about the restaurant that her family had tried last night until the bell rang. Mr. Ness announced we would be looking at the stars for the first time today, and passed out flashlights with red filters. He explained that red light is the only one that doesn’t cause your pupils to get smaller again, therefore making the adjustment from light to dark and back again easier on your eyes. Then he turned them off. A few people made dumb remarks. I kept my mouth shut, and wondered about things. I ended up falling asleep, and being woken up by Taylor nudging me moments before Mr. Ness turned back on the lights. She whispered to me I hadn’t missed much, just a quick overview of the different stars and constalations that we’d be going over more tomorrow. Then we walked to the library together.
“Sorry about falling asleep in there. I didn’t get much sleep last night. On the computer pretty late I guess.” She smiled at me. She had the most amazing smile, and her eyes, they sparkled like crazy whenever she smiled at me.
“Well… I’ve told you a lot about me, what about you?” She asked. No, she hadn’t. I barely knew anything about her, and I wanted to know as much as possible. I shrugged.
“Well… My name is Mel. I’m 20. I live with my mom and dad. I’m an only child so I spend a lot of time on my own. I love music.” I paused. What all did I want to tell her? Only everything. I’d never felt like this before. I kept talking and talking. She’d ask questions, and I’d reply. Then she’d take a turn. She loved animals, her dad had promised she could get a puppy as soon as they got the back yard fenced. The librarians yelled multiple times for us to shut up, so we passed a note. We talked about everything under the sun. I found her so easy to talk to, and everything she said to be so cute. I did my best to write in the neatest handwriting I could muster. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it, for her. When the bell rang, it startled both of us. We hadn’t been expecting it, we’d been so lost in our chat. We said goodbye, grinning at each other, and hurried off in our separate ways. I managed to keep the note. I knew I would treasure it forever.
I was sitting in class staring at the piece of paper when Ms. Walters walked up. She squatted down, made eye contact with me, and grinned. “It’s from her, isn’t it?” I laughed quietly. “You want to talk again after class today?” She asked. I nodded my head, and she returned to her desk. I had friends. I was even friends with a teacher. That was different, something I’d never done before. I paid attention in class, it was easy enough, so I let my mind wander. I read the note one time, then another. She was so cute. I wished more than anything I could tell Mike and Rachael. I knew she was all that would be on my mind, and I’d be talking about her a lot. So, how to do that without telling them? After class I walked up to the front and closed the desk, then pulled a chair up to her desk.
“Ms. Walters, should I tell my friends? I really want them to know, I want to be able to talk to them about her, but I’m so scared they won’t love me any more.” I sat there, staring at her.
“First of all, call me April. That’s my first name, just not in front of anyone, ok?” I nodded. She smiled. “Second of all, sweetie, if they’re really your friends, and they truly care about you, they will just want what’s best for you, and they will support you. I know it’s scary. It’s a big thing, and it may change your relationship. It may cause some changes, but the feeling of relief, the fact that you can be yourself around them, that is an amazing feeling.” I smiled slightly. I agreed, that would feel amazing. We talked through my entire next class. I told her all about Taylor, all the feelings I’d been feeling, the dreams, the things I’d read online. Everything. I spilled my heart to her in a way I had never done before. When I was done talking, I was almost breathless. She smiled at me. The bell rang and I realized I had missed my entire class. A worried look spread over my face. She noticed it, and stood up and gave me a huge hug. It was an amazing feeling. She was the only person in the world who knew my secret, and she completely accepted it. She was my friend, and she was helping me feel better about it. She told me she’d talk to my teacher and explain why I hadn’t been there, but we better not do this any more. Then she gave me her e-mail address so we could talk later if I wanted to. I thanked her and ran off to my last class of the day.
After school I bumped into Mike. He was walking by my locker, probably searching for me. “Hey.” He said, eying me. He knew something was up. We hadn’t ever gone that long without talking.
“Hi. Sorry, I gotta go.” I told him throwing everything my locker and slamming it, getting ready to turn around and bolt before he could ask.
“No.” He grabbed my arm. He turned me to face him. “What’s up? Are you mad at me or something?” I stared at him.
“No, of course not. I just… Have to go. My… Uh… My mom is picking me up. I have… A doctors appointment.” I had never in my life lied to Mike. He knew I was lying, I could see it in his eyes, but he just shrugged and let go of me. I took one last look at him and dashed off. I ran the entire way home.
At home, I pulled out April’s e-mail address. It was at AOL, I wondered if that meant she’d ever be on AIM. So, I added her. Within the next hour both she and Taylor signed on. I IMed them both, nervously. And I talked to both of them the entire night. When Mike and Rachael signed on, I blocked them both. I felt horrible, but I wasn’t ready to talk to them yet.
That night, I had a dream where April Taylor and I went to some amusement park. I was happier than I’d ever been. But then we went on some haunted house ride, and inside, Mike and Rachael sprung up out of coffins. They asked me why I was avoiding them and what I was doing with my life. Then they saw me, with my arms around Taylor and April, and they just turned around and disappeared. I mean, it’s a dream. I woke up scared. What was I going to do? How was I going to tell them? That’s what April and I had been discussing.
I avoided Mike the entire day the next day at school and I didn’t reply to any of Rachael’s texts. I practically ran to astronomy and grabbed the best flashlights I could find for me and Taylor. She came in and smiled at me, taking the flashlight. We talked until the bell rang, and then Mr. Ness turned off the lights almost immediately. I leaned back in my chair and prepared myself to stay awake this time. That’s when Taylor’s hand found mine in the darkess. First she just kind of rubbed it, gently, then she took my fingers and intertwined them with hers. I was truly in heaven, and my mind was swirling. Was it possible? Did she like me back? Or was she just friendly in this way with all of her friends? We held hands the entire class period, with her occasionally rubbing my hand with her thumb. I was so happy it amazed me and it was all I could think about.