jeff's favorite movie of all time (behind "dead man") is "unforgiven." when he was drinking, he used to watch the end where clint eastwood snaps and kills everyone, over and over and over. i think he would very much relate to everything you just said.
but even though i'm a girl and have no pressure to live up to a "tough guy" ideal, i very much relate to having to subvert an unacceptable part of my personality. my parents made it very clear what tendancies and traits they found inappropriate, and i learned to deny them. but those parts continue to exist, they just become dirty little secrets, and without a healthy outlet, they manifest in unhealthy ways.
i don't think it's at all a bad thing that you're sensitive. sensitivity can be an enormous advantage, to relationships and self awareness, etc. but i think because you've had to deny it, it's morphed into its unhealthy sibling: anxiety-which you interpret as weakness, because it prevents you from functioning.
does that make sense?
i'm sorry you had such a hard weekend. i'm glad you're willing to be so open about it though-makes me feel stronger to know someone i admire so much goes through similar issues from time to time -or constantly, at times :P
but even though i'm a girl and have no pressure to live up to a "tough guy" ideal, i very much relate to having to subvert an unacceptable part of my personality. my parents made it very clear what tendancies and traits they found inappropriate, and i learned to deny them. but those parts continue to exist, they just become dirty little secrets, and without a healthy outlet, they manifest in unhealthy ways.
i don't think it's at all a bad thing that you're sensitive. sensitivity can be an enormous advantage, to relationships and self awareness, etc. but i think because you've had to deny it, it's morphed into its unhealthy sibling: anxiety-which you interpret as weakness, because it prevents you from functioning.
does that make sense?
i'm sorry you had such a hard weekend. i'm glad you're willing to be so open about it though-makes me feel stronger to know someone i admire so much goes through similar issues from time to time -or constantly, at times :P
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