shouldnt be stuck... but i am...
there is a part of your mind that thinks it knows what's best. your better judgment will protect you.
before i left shank for airborne/jalrez, this girl started talking to me. she was too good to be true. a perfect mix of smarts and looks. and she appealled to me. gradually we went from talking online for hours daily, to talking on the phone for hours daily. i spent hundreds of dollars on phone cards while i was out in the field at jalrez just so i could call her every morning, every night, every chance. it took no time at all for me to be able to say "i love you," but obviously in the limited way. all it would take for me to know if i were in love with her is finally eloping in person.
her and i were so close, while being thousands of miles apart. i had so many plans and great visions of how my leave was going to happen. i wanted to take her to newport and to a nice hotel and do a day trip somewhere. there were just so many plans and potential memories we could have had. i'm doing no justice to the depths of this connection we had.
but when i finally met her in person... she was closed off. instead of being warm and loving like she had been on the phone, she was stand off-ish, and bitchy. yet after a few drinks and me patiently sitting through her snide persona, we finally let loose and eloped. and it was what both of us had anticipated. "we're affirmed!" she wistfully sighed as she pulled my arm over her body to spoon and fall asleep, interlacing fingers.
and i was happy. after everything i've had to face, i had that small moment of happiness. it wasn't the fact that we kissed or had sex. it was just the fact that our connection finally became real.
but, she shut me out.
that happy moment last until the morning. everything changed on her part. i was still being the same person i always was to her. but i was clearly not a priority in her life. i tried to see her on her birthday. that went terribly. i can't even start to remember the terrible things she began to say. i've suppressed them already. but she absolutely did a 180 to me. i was, and am, still flabbergasted. utterly perplexed.
finally, when i thought we were kind of trying things through still, she invited me over. it was under shady circumstances, but, whatever. i gave her the benefit of the doubt. and then she said to me, "leave. i don't want you here in the morning." and that was finally my breaking point.
i was incredibly heated. it earned an instant, "fuck you." she began to back peddle her words, but she had this twisted smile on her face. when i started to let her talk, instead of her taking back what she said, she simply tried explaining it. i feel miserable thinking about that moment. her grabbing my arm and trying to pull me back. but she had insulted me so deeply.
it was such a deep hurt because of everything we had built up before. if i talked to you for 2.5 months and knew everything about you and felt so tenderly about you... you'd probably understand.
and since this was not the first time in the span of a few days that she so carelessly insulted me, my better judgment told me that i need to protect myself and completely sabatoge everything with her and i.
some days prior when she dissed me and and asked to try again, i said to her, "if you diss me like this again, i am going to list off bitter things to say, like when people fight and throw insults."
and remembering that idea, i commenced to make one of the biggest mistakes in my entire life. i actually did it. except, i was SO incredibly mad at her, i just took the first thought that came to my mind and figured out how to say it the meanest, nastiest way so she'd remember it. it's terrible because i didn't mean any of it. well, except a couple of lines she did kind of deserve. like calling her a liar. that was definitely true.
but seriously. at one point, i pulled out a strand of her hair that was interlaced into a blanket i had brought to her apartment. and just looking at it i made up some bullshit insult. i was really, really mad. and part of me knew the impact this might have, and hence why i chose to keep writing nasty things-- better judgment. i did it so she would hate me. so i wouldnt have to be putting myself in the situation of her callous demeanor.
but i wish i hadn't. i know she does have a heart. she has emotions, though she hides them well. she made bad mistakes in managing what her and i had. i took it on the chin, but once she slapped me in the face that last time, i cocked back and swung hard. since i walked up to her apartment on day 1, it's been a constant battle with each other's inner demons, and we've been each other's victim.
the next day i realized what i had done. i calmed down and realized my better judgment didn't take into account how much i liked her. how much i loved her, really. i would have sacrificed so much for her. given so much of my love and devotion. but i fucked it up, on purpose.
now, the twist is, i know that the way she acted should make me happy i insulted her and won't talk to her anymore. yet now i just want to try again, with a clean slate. no more bullshit lies on either of our ends. i wish she could forgive me and accept me back. i wish begging worked. i wish a solid argument and good apology worked. but it seems nothing will, because no one has ever been insulting to the degree i was in her life. i wish i could show her how much i didn't mean it. but nothing is going to work, and i'm stuck struggling with that fact. i am fully cognizant that there is a fine line between keeping faith, or romantic endurance, or something like that, versus just being creepy and desperate. i shouldn't be stuck. but i am.
i did love her. and she said to me that she was in love with me. and to me, that is worth fighting for and getting through a stilted and unorthodox beginning. she was worth it. she is.
before i left shank for airborne/jalrez, this girl started talking to me. she was too good to be true. a perfect mix of smarts and looks. and she appealled to me. gradually we went from talking online for hours daily, to talking on the phone for hours daily. i spent hundreds of dollars on phone cards while i was out in the field at jalrez just so i could call her every morning, every night, every chance. it took no time at all for me to be able to say "i love you," but obviously in the limited way. all it would take for me to know if i were in love with her is finally eloping in person.
her and i were so close, while being thousands of miles apart. i had so many plans and great visions of how my leave was going to happen. i wanted to take her to newport and to a nice hotel and do a day trip somewhere. there were just so many plans and potential memories we could have had. i'm doing no justice to the depths of this connection we had.
but when i finally met her in person... she was closed off. instead of being warm and loving like she had been on the phone, she was stand off-ish, and bitchy. yet after a few drinks and me patiently sitting through her snide persona, we finally let loose and eloped. and it was what both of us had anticipated. "we're affirmed!" she wistfully sighed as she pulled my arm over her body to spoon and fall asleep, interlacing fingers.
and i was happy. after everything i've had to face, i had that small moment of happiness. it wasn't the fact that we kissed or had sex. it was just the fact that our connection finally became real.
but, she shut me out.
that happy moment last until the morning. everything changed on her part. i was still being the same person i always was to her. but i was clearly not a priority in her life. i tried to see her on her birthday. that went terribly. i can't even start to remember the terrible things she began to say. i've suppressed them already. but she absolutely did a 180 to me. i was, and am, still flabbergasted. utterly perplexed.
finally, when i thought we were kind of trying things through still, she invited me over. it was under shady circumstances, but, whatever. i gave her the benefit of the doubt. and then she said to me, "leave. i don't want you here in the morning." and that was finally my breaking point.
i was incredibly heated. it earned an instant, "fuck you." she began to back peddle her words, but she had this twisted smile on her face. when i started to let her talk, instead of her taking back what she said, she simply tried explaining it. i feel miserable thinking about that moment. her grabbing my arm and trying to pull me back. but she had insulted me so deeply.
it was such a deep hurt because of everything we had built up before. if i talked to you for 2.5 months and knew everything about you and felt so tenderly about you... you'd probably understand.
and since this was not the first time in the span of a few days that she so carelessly insulted me, my better judgment told me that i need to protect myself and completely sabatoge everything with her and i.
some days prior when she dissed me and and asked to try again, i said to her, "if you diss me like this again, i am going to list off bitter things to say, like when people fight and throw insults."
and remembering that idea, i commenced to make one of the biggest mistakes in my entire life. i actually did it. except, i was SO incredibly mad at her, i just took the first thought that came to my mind and figured out how to say it the meanest, nastiest way so she'd remember it. it's terrible because i didn't mean any of it. well, except a couple of lines she did kind of deserve. like calling her a liar. that was definitely true.
but seriously. at one point, i pulled out a strand of her hair that was interlaced into a blanket i had brought to her apartment. and just looking at it i made up some bullshit insult. i was really, really mad. and part of me knew the impact this might have, and hence why i chose to keep writing nasty things-- better judgment. i did it so she would hate me. so i wouldnt have to be putting myself in the situation of her callous demeanor.
but i wish i hadn't. i know she does have a heart. she has emotions, though she hides them well. she made bad mistakes in managing what her and i had. i took it on the chin, but once she slapped me in the face that last time, i cocked back and swung hard. since i walked up to her apartment on day 1, it's been a constant battle with each other's inner demons, and we've been each other's victim.
the next day i realized what i had done. i calmed down and realized my better judgment didn't take into account how much i liked her. how much i loved her, really. i would have sacrificed so much for her. given so much of my love and devotion. but i fucked it up, on purpose.
now, the twist is, i know that the way she acted should make me happy i insulted her and won't talk to her anymore. yet now i just want to try again, with a clean slate. no more bullshit lies on either of our ends. i wish she could forgive me and accept me back. i wish begging worked. i wish a solid argument and good apology worked. but it seems nothing will, because no one has ever been insulting to the degree i was in her life. i wish i could show her how much i didn't mean it. but nothing is going to work, and i'm stuck struggling with that fact. i am fully cognizant that there is a fine line between keeping faith, or romantic endurance, or something like that, versus just being creepy and desperate. i shouldn't be stuck. but i am.
i did love her. and she said to me that she was in love with me. and to me, that is worth fighting for and getting through a stilted and unorthodox beginning. she was worth it. she is.