I'm scrapping together material for a book
I just had a suddent late night (aka early morning) appreciation for telling the truth.
Over the years, I have found that the clichés about truth have lasted so long for a reason. Especially "The truth shall set you free," and my favorite, "To thine own self be true." You need to apply this to dating, especially if you're a girl (note I said girl and not woman or lady-- those terms imply maturity).
I can't speak for females, but basically, if you are past age 14, whenever you meet someone of the opposite sex, you immediately size them up. It's just what we do. Regarding the personal level: if we're especially dismissive of you when you talk, then we're not attracted to you. Keep in mind I mean personal and not professional wavelengths. But if you have an extended friendship, there absolutely is an underlying element of attraction that gives you two that great communication and trust on which your friendship is built. Think what you will, but I don't have many busted or FUGLY female friends.
There are guys who are too timid to try and move beyond "just friends." But I'd wager for the most part, guys' ultimate goal is some sort of courtship. Obviously we have different approaches: some are just that jacked and macho that they get chics no problem, others have an approach that they've been refining since puberty, or others might be trial and error each time, whatever.
The biggest gray area, however, is the classic "I don't want to lose your friendship" spiel. When guys here references to this concept, we immediately react in a macho way. We're trained to think that valuing a friendship over a chance at something more is weak. You're a pussy if you're that sensitive. Of course, I think this is a shallow way of thinking, and although yes it does have something to do with sensitivity, it's also about being pragmatic. It's like a cost-benefit-analysis. Anyhow, I mention the friendship value as an inhibitor to courtship.
Essentially, guys will either try or not.
My point here actually isn't an expose on macho-ism's role in male-to-female relationships, but rather to call attention the value of truth to you ladies out there: Given this fact that guys size you up and potentially want your shit from Day 1, you need to make it clear from Day 1 whether A.) you're into someone else, B.) dating someone else, C.) flat out not attracted to the guy, D.) or have other inhibiting reasons.
I started this post talking about truth, but most people would label this communication. Well, I'm just saying communicate the truth-- and I mean the whole truth, not selective omission of details.
IF YOU DON'T, then the guy will still go ahead on his own game. It is so critical that you say it explicitly or leave adequate clues or hints as soon as possible. Because every action that we do while we know you, and every word we say while we know you is pure rhetoric. It doesn't have to be directly done/spoken to you. But everything is created with a rhetorical purpose, whether we're concious of it or not. We want to persuade you that we're so great and so relationship worthy, etc.
And when either one of you reaches a critical threshold, this repressed passion is going to burst, like throwing a grenade in the middle of a swimming pool (you know, the suburban above ground 4 footer). This is innevitable. When it comes to affairs of the heart, the truth can only be restrained for so long.
After that, if you aren't into the idea of dating him, then it will become sour and ruin a friendship. Typically, guys can live with this and move on often and easily-- unless they really wanted you hardcore. But it is precisely because we have trained ourselves to move on so quickly that you must make your limits and intentions clear ASAP. We will accept you as just a friend. Although, watch-- as soon as we do that, we won't have quite as fun or intense a rapport as before. If you allow us to continue and the passion breaks its chains and shows up at your door, and you shut us out, then we will resent you and feel like we horribly wasted our time, even if we had so many fun and great "platonic" memories.
But anyhow, if you let that grenade go off, then no matter what, you will never be able to have the same friendship, that same pool, with that person. You have to buy a whole new liner, ladder, floats, aluminum siding, and worst of all you need a whole new filter system. You're probably going to pay more attention to chemical managment, too. But you'll never have the exact same water. It will taste different. It will burn your eyes. You might vacuum it far less.
We're not as enticed to swim at your house anymore, because another little fact about guys: you're not the only one on the block whose pool we're dipping our toes into. We might like the blue plastic rug deck of someone across the street, or the elliptical shape of someone next door, so we'll start to favor their pools over yours.
Attraction is simultaneously the downfall and drive between basic male-female friendships.
Over the years, I have found that the clichés about truth have lasted so long for a reason. Especially "The truth shall set you free," and my favorite, "To thine own self be true." You need to apply this to dating, especially if you're a girl (note I said girl and not woman or lady-- those terms imply maturity).
I can't speak for females, but basically, if you are past age 14, whenever you meet someone of the opposite sex, you immediately size them up. It's just what we do. Regarding the personal level: if we're especially dismissive of you when you talk, then we're not attracted to you. Keep in mind I mean personal and not professional wavelengths. But if you have an extended friendship, there absolutely is an underlying element of attraction that gives you two that great communication and trust on which your friendship is built. Think what you will, but I don't have many busted or FUGLY female friends.
There are guys who are too timid to try and move beyond "just friends." But I'd wager for the most part, guys' ultimate goal is some sort of courtship. Obviously we have different approaches: some are just that jacked and macho that they get chics no problem, others have an approach that they've been refining since puberty, or others might be trial and error each time, whatever.
The biggest gray area, however, is the classic "I don't want to lose your friendship" spiel. When guys here references to this concept, we immediately react in a macho way. We're trained to think that valuing a friendship over a chance at something more is weak. You're a pussy if you're that sensitive. Of course, I think this is a shallow way of thinking, and although yes it does have something to do with sensitivity, it's also about being pragmatic. It's like a cost-benefit-analysis. Anyhow, I mention the friendship value as an inhibitor to courtship.
Essentially, guys will either try or not.
My point here actually isn't an expose on macho-ism's role in male-to-female relationships, but rather to call attention the value of truth to you ladies out there: Given this fact that guys size you up and potentially want your shit from Day 1, you need to make it clear from Day 1 whether A.) you're into someone else, B.) dating someone else, C.) flat out not attracted to the guy, D.) or have other inhibiting reasons.
I started this post talking about truth, but most people would label this communication. Well, I'm just saying communicate the truth-- and I mean the whole truth, not selective omission of details.
IF YOU DON'T, then the guy will still go ahead on his own game. It is so critical that you say it explicitly or leave adequate clues or hints as soon as possible. Because every action that we do while we know you, and every word we say while we know you is pure rhetoric. It doesn't have to be directly done/spoken to you. But everything is created with a rhetorical purpose, whether we're concious of it or not. We want to persuade you that we're so great and so relationship worthy, etc.
And when either one of you reaches a critical threshold, this repressed passion is going to burst, like throwing a grenade in the middle of a swimming pool (you know, the suburban above ground 4 footer). This is innevitable. When it comes to affairs of the heart, the truth can only be restrained for so long.
After that, if you aren't into the idea of dating him, then it will become sour and ruin a friendship. Typically, guys can live with this and move on often and easily-- unless they really wanted you hardcore. But it is precisely because we have trained ourselves to move on so quickly that you must make your limits and intentions clear ASAP. We will accept you as just a friend. Although, watch-- as soon as we do that, we won't have quite as fun or intense a rapport as before. If you allow us to continue and the passion breaks its chains and shows up at your door, and you shut us out, then we will resent you and feel like we horribly wasted our time, even if we had so many fun and great "platonic" memories.
But anyhow, if you let that grenade go off, then no matter what, you will never be able to have the same friendship, that same pool, with that person. You have to buy a whole new liner, ladder, floats, aluminum siding, and worst of all you need a whole new filter system. You're probably going to pay more attention to chemical managment, too. But you'll never have the exact same water. It will taste different. It will burn your eyes. You might vacuum it far less.
We're not as enticed to swim at your house anymore, because another little fact about guys: you're not the only one on the block whose pool we're dipping our toes into. We might like the blue plastic rug deck of someone across the street, or the elliptical shape of someone next door, so we'll start to favor their pools over yours.
Attraction is simultaneously the downfall and drive between basic male-female friendships.