(no subject)
my heart is hurting thinking about all the things i've left behind, and am constantly letting go of. i'm just starting to realize that every time i say goodbye, i lose something. i lose a part of myself, and because i am the way i am, i just don't stay in touch. it hurts to look at pictures of people living the life i was supposed to be living still. what happens to things like that? i was so sure of everything; i had everything figured out, and my heart felt warm and safe. and then everything fell apart, and i was saying goodbye again. i think i'm ready to leave this place, but i don't know where i'll go. and it's hard, because isn't this place as good as any other place? it's so beautiful here; isn't it better in that way? i just want everyone i've ever loved together in one place that i can stay. i have left so many people behind. i think about them, and it fucking really sucks sometimes. and i bet they have no idea how i feel about them. because i never tell them. today, a good friend said "i love you", and that felt so strange to me. even when my best friend tells me she loves me, it still feels foreign. why is it like that for me? i've never been the kind of friend that can say or do absolutely anything to even my closest of friends. i still feel so guarded. i'm starting to think that it's because everything just kept changing and changing when i was growing up. i can't seriously hold onto anything or feel committed. but i want to. i need to find somewhere, and just fucking stay. but no where is ever good enough for me. god dammit. i love columbus, and everyone there, so fucking much. but i love and miss people in boston, too. and i miss my family. but i love jordan, and i want to go with him where he wants to go, because i need him to be happy, too. i have so much weighing down on my shoulders, and i just need money. i hate that everything is so fucking complicated. i never thought that i would be 22 years old, getting 3-4 different collection calls a day, dead broke and living in a strange place. i need to get my fucking shit together.
god, i miss delay.
god, i miss delay.