Halloween Rules
With Halloween so near again, it's worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to
help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's
really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what
you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you
are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast
enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to
the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot
yourself instead! You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion,
or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house,
women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight,
not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare
suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
help keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE! Please use these helpful hints.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's
really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
apply to any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out.
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what
you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you
are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast
enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to
the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot
yourself instead! You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion,
or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house,
women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight,
not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare
suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.