My Spring Break and Being a "Broken Angel"
So small and yet still so proud
At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds
A high flyer's what I want to be
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
I don't feel small at all
Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high and swoop so low
You can't bring me down
Going be so proud
Little angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Little angel, just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Push and shove, then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see?
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
What is that supposed to mean?
What am I supposed to be?
I pull my way up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious
Why couldn't you see?
That you can't go high flying
Without a pair of high-flyer wings
Little one's broken lying on the ground
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out
Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even angels die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud
Broken angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Broken angel, just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Get up and earn your wings
Earn your wings tonight
~Hanson's "Broken Angel"
So this is going to be a long entry, since a lot happened over the past few weeks. Spring Break is over and it was very, well, eventful to say the least. I went home on Thursday to help my mom move, and we were up until about 3am for a few days packing and transporting boxes over to the new house. Then Saturday rolled around. Around 6am, I was up and packing after getting about an hour of sleep the night before. I woke my mom and sister up and we were ready to go (kind of). My father and his friends from work arrived around 8:30 with a big moving truck. He said he was only going to make 2 trips to the new house and whatever was left behind stayed or we could find a way to get it over there. Well, my sister's basketball hoop, our barbecue grill, my mom's porch swing, and lots of other stuff got left there, and he refused to bring it over. Everyone left except for me and my mom, sister, and aunt. Well, my mom was pissed! She called him and was yelling at her on the phone about it, and he basically said that he didn't care. We had to find a way to get half of our stuff out of the house and the stuff left outside over to the new house before they padlocked the house on Sunday because we were being evicted. Great!
I was supposed to go see Disney's On the Record musical on Sunday with my sisters, and bring my other sister home on Sunday to help us move and finish unpacking during Spring Break. I didn't want to leave my mom stranded without any help, so I thought I'd call my father and see if would take my ticket and go see the show and bring my other sister home, or if he wanted to come over and help my mom. Well, he didn't want to do either one. He told me I was useless and I only called him when I needed him. He told me if I didn't take her, he would be mad because I made her miss it. He told me I was always up my mom's ass, which isn't true. I was just trying to help out my family.
Anyways, I ended up hanging up on him and I just lost it. I began crying and couldn't stop. My little sister was there to comfort me, which was kind of cool, but my mom was furious and called my father and cussed him out on the phone. Then he blamed that on me too. He wanted to get together later that weekend to eat dinner and talk, so we did. He wanted to go back to his house to play board games, but I didn't want to, so my sisters did and he brought them home after that. I just didn't want to talk to him.
I wound up taking my sister up to see the show on Sunday, since my mom and aunt found someone with a trailer hitch that could finsih transporting the big stuff out of the house. The show was really cute, and I'm glad I went. We brought my other sister home with us, and she finished helping us move, but not before falling down the porch stairs and hurting her knee. So, I had to spend 3 hours in the emergency room with her while my mom and aunt moved and organized stuff. When we got back, we found out that my father had brought his new girlfriend (who he has only been dating for a month, supposedly) over to our new house. My little sister lost it. She began pounding on the ground and screaming "I hate you! I don't want to talk to you again!" to my father. Then, my mom and aunt got involved. My parents were about to go at it when my aunt stepped in and got punched in the mouth instead of my father. I'm glad I wasn't there to see any of that drama! But when I heard about it, I was furious!
My father met with us to discuss the situation with his girlfriend, but I don't know how much I believe. He said that our mom has us brainwashed and we spend so much time with her and none with him, which is mainly becuase all our stuff is at my mom's! He told me to start making my own decisions, so I did. I didn't take sides, but I really don't want to talk to my father anymore. We spend most of Spring Break unpacking, and are almost done! Go us!
Things seemed to be going pretty well, but then this past Thursday, shit really hit the fan. My little (12 year old) sister called me crying around 10pm, and she was hysterical. She said that my father's girlfriend was on the phone with my mom and was saying really bad stuff about her, calling her a bitch and stuff. She said that she had been screwing my father for the past 15 years and they had a 14 year old son together. That blew me away! Then, I found out that his girlfriend just said that to get under my mom's skin. She was joking around and was trying to make my mom feel bad, and my father and her were both just sitting there laughing about it the whole time! And I guess they have been living together for awhile now, but I don't know how long. My little sister was so scared that he was going to come over and try to take her, since he now wants to fight for custody of her. My other sister got a phone call from my father and they talked for awhile. Then he asked if I wanted to talk to him. I said no, because I really didn't care what he had to say, so she hung up and started talking to my mom on my cell phone.
My father kept beeping through on my phone and left me one or two voicemail messages. I got mad, picked up my sister's phone, and called him. I was mad! I said, "If I say I don't want to talk to you, then I don't want to talk to you! Stop calling me!" He just kept asking, "What's wrong? What are you feeling?" I told him that I didn't appreciate his girlfriend yelling at mom on the phone, and saying that she was a bad parent. I didn't like my little sister hearing it either. He said "She shouldn't have heard that." And I said, "Then it shouldn't have been said!" He just asked, "What are you feeling?" again, and I told him that I didn't want to tell him because he wanted to know that I felt bad. He wanted to make me feel bad. He said I was starting to sound like my mom. I told him to leave her out of it. I was 20 years old and I was making my own decision like he told me to earlier. He said, "Then start acting like it!" I said, "That's it! We're done!" and hung up on him again. I don't want to talk to him anymore and haven't since Thursday night. My sister and I both started crying and we drove home that night around midnight to be with our mom and sister. We just wanted to be there to support them and help them out. It was a very emotional night, as you can imagine. My father kept calling all weekend, but I wouldn't talk to him or answer my phone at all. I just don't have anything to say and don't care what he has to say. I kind of feel like I lost my father, but it was my decision, not his. I don't know if I should call him or talk to him or not, but I really don't want to.
I feel like I grew up a lot this past week and a half, like the song says about a "Broken Angel", at least that's how I interpreted it. I've almost turned into a third parent for my sisters, doing everything my father used to do. I missed my organic chemistry quiz on Friday to be with my family, but in my opinion, family is the most important thing in the world, especially right now. If you don't have family, what do you have?
I don't know if I'm making the right decisions lately, but I don't know what else to do. So I'm just going to go with it for now.
At night before he dreams, he looks into the clouds
A high flyer's what I want to be
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
I don't feel small at all
Break my dreams, that's what they'll do
Well I'm going to run away and learn to fly like you
I'm going to go so high and swoop so low
You can't bring me down
Going be so proud
Little angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Little angel, just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Push and shove, then climb aboard
This is the shuttle train to the top of the world
When you look around what do you see?
These are all high flyers
But none of these high flyers look like me
What is that supposed to mean?
What am I supposed to be?
I pull my way up through this crowd
To find your body crushed on the ground
It's so obvious
Why couldn't you see?
That you can't go high flying
Without a pair of high-flyer wings
Little one's broken lying on the ground
Trying to get up 'till his last breath out
Wings are strewn everywhere, there's blood all around
'Cause even angels die, but that light just fades
It's so sad, but he'd be so proud
Broken angel, you've got to learn to fly
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Broken angel, just look in my eyes
Get up and earn your wings tonight
Get up and earn your wings
Earn your wings tonight
~Hanson's "Broken Angel"
So this is going to be a long entry, since a lot happened over the past few weeks. Spring Break is over and it was very, well, eventful to say the least. I went home on Thursday to help my mom move, and we were up until about 3am for a few days packing and transporting boxes over to the new house. Then Saturday rolled around. Around 6am, I was up and packing after getting about an hour of sleep the night before. I woke my mom and sister up and we were ready to go (kind of). My father and his friends from work arrived around 8:30 with a big moving truck. He said he was only going to make 2 trips to the new house and whatever was left behind stayed or we could find a way to get it over there. Well, my sister's basketball hoop, our barbecue grill, my mom's porch swing, and lots of other stuff got left there, and he refused to bring it over. Everyone left except for me and my mom, sister, and aunt. Well, my mom was pissed! She called him and was yelling at her on the phone about it, and he basically said that he didn't care. We had to find a way to get half of our stuff out of the house and the stuff left outside over to the new house before they padlocked the house on Sunday because we were being evicted. Great!
I was supposed to go see Disney's On the Record musical on Sunday with my sisters, and bring my other sister home on Sunday to help us move and finish unpacking during Spring Break. I didn't want to leave my mom stranded without any help, so I thought I'd call my father and see if would take my ticket and go see the show and bring my other sister home, or if he wanted to come over and help my mom. Well, he didn't want to do either one. He told me I was useless and I only called him when I needed him. He told me if I didn't take her, he would be mad because I made her miss it. He told me I was always up my mom's ass, which isn't true. I was just trying to help out my family.
Anyways, I ended up hanging up on him and I just lost it. I began crying and couldn't stop. My little sister was there to comfort me, which was kind of cool, but my mom was furious and called my father and cussed him out on the phone. Then he blamed that on me too. He wanted to get together later that weekend to eat dinner and talk, so we did. He wanted to go back to his house to play board games, but I didn't want to, so my sisters did and he brought them home after that. I just didn't want to talk to him.
I wound up taking my sister up to see the show on Sunday, since my mom and aunt found someone with a trailer hitch that could finsih transporting the big stuff out of the house. The show was really cute, and I'm glad I went. We brought my other sister home with us, and she finished helping us move, but not before falling down the porch stairs and hurting her knee. So, I had to spend 3 hours in the emergency room with her while my mom and aunt moved and organized stuff. When we got back, we found out that my father had brought his new girlfriend (who he has only been dating for a month, supposedly) over to our new house. My little sister lost it. She began pounding on the ground and screaming "I hate you! I don't want to talk to you again!" to my father. Then, my mom and aunt got involved. My parents were about to go at it when my aunt stepped in and got punched in the mouth instead of my father. I'm glad I wasn't there to see any of that drama! But when I heard about it, I was furious!
My father met with us to discuss the situation with his girlfriend, but I don't know how much I believe. He said that our mom has us brainwashed and we spend so much time with her and none with him, which is mainly becuase all our stuff is at my mom's! He told me to start making my own decisions, so I did. I didn't take sides, but I really don't want to talk to my father anymore. We spend most of Spring Break unpacking, and are almost done! Go us!
Things seemed to be going pretty well, but then this past Thursday, shit really hit the fan. My little (12 year old) sister called me crying around 10pm, and she was hysterical. She said that my father's girlfriend was on the phone with my mom and was saying really bad stuff about her, calling her a bitch and stuff. She said that she had been screwing my father for the past 15 years and they had a 14 year old son together. That blew me away! Then, I found out that his girlfriend just said that to get under my mom's skin. She was joking around and was trying to make my mom feel bad, and my father and her were both just sitting there laughing about it the whole time! And I guess they have been living together for awhile now, but I don't know how long. My little sister was so scared that he was going to come over and try to take her, since he now wants to fight for custody of her. My other sister got a phone call from my father and they talked for awhile. Then he asked if I wanted to talk to him. I said no, because I really didn't care what he had to say, so she hung up and started talking to my mom on my cell phone.
My father kept beeping through on my phone and left me one or two voicemail messages. I got mad, picked up my sister's phone, and called him. I was mad! I said, "If I say I don't want to talk to you, then I don't want to talk to you! Stop calling me!" He just kept asking, "What's wrong? What are you feeling?" I told him that I didn't appreciate his girlfriend yelling at mom on the phone, and saying that she was a bad parent. I didn't like my little sister hearing it either. He said "She shouldn't have heard that." And I said, "Then it shouldn't have been said!" He just asked, "What are you feeling?" again, and I told him that I didn't want to tell him because he wanted to know that I felt bad. He wanted to make me feel bad. He said I was starting to sound like my mom. I told him to leave her out of it. I was 20 years old and I was making my own decision like he told me to earlier. He said, "Then start acting like it!" I said, "That's it! We're done!" and hung up on him again. I don't want to talk to him anymore and haven't since Thursday night. My sister and I both started crying and we drove home that night around midnight to be with our mom and sister. We just wanted to be there to support them and help them out. It was a very emotional night, as you can imagine. My father kept calling all weekend, but I wouldn't talk to him or answer my phone at all. I just don't have anything to say and don't care what he has to say. I kind of feel like I lost my father, but it was my decision, not his. I don't know if I should call him or talk to him or not, but I really don't want to.
I feel like I grew up a lot this past week and a half, like the song says about a "Broken Angel", at least that's how I interpreted it. I've almost turned into a third parent for my sisters, doing everything my father used to do. I missed my organic chemistry quiz on Friday to be with my family, but in my opinion, family is the most important thing in the world, especially right now. If you don't have family, what do you have?
I don't know if I'm making the right decisions lately, but I don't know what else to do. So I'm just going to go with it for now.