Feel ALL the pain and grow up - best of "coming of age" stories - My Merlin Recs 8
Before I get to this week's recs 2 important things:
1. summerpornathon is BACK!!! (in case you haven't heard ;) I'm so happy! Holidays without it wouldn't taste the same!
2. This month's theme at tavern-tales is slowly wrapping up, but my gosh does it bring us little gems! Go and see! Even today we had last-minute rotrude started a Blade Runner inspired story about replicants and empathy test (OMG YES) and a glorious drawing of a replicant!Merlin by alby_mangroves - it goes well put together and makes me want to weep and squee at the same time ;)
***
And now onto this week's stories. I'm sure you've read it all, but I couldn't not mention them.
The pain of growing up, shifting priorities, learning about life in a hard way and seeing things you won't see as an adult anymore - this is what coming of age is all about and the stories I mention below are just... IT.
This, dear ladies and gentlemen is THE BEST OF THE BEST. Be prepared for all the heartache. But eventually we all grow up, right? And some of us manage to do it in a really good way. :)
(Ps. I used my A03 bookmark notes for the recs, I hope you don't mind. Sorry for the mistakes!)
What We Choose by mab_di
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 71282 | Explicit | Modern AU | written for Paperlegends 2013
Summary: Modern, non-magical AU. Merlin and Arthur had always been close, made closer by early loss. But as Merlin comes out to himself and to the people who matter most to him, he finds it increasingly difficult to dodge that the way he feels about Arthur is not what it should be. Arthur is his first cousin, almost a brother, and he’s the gravitational centre of Merlin’s life. As they grow up, Merlin finds he can't look at Arthur without it stirring something that makes him feel ashamed. When Arthur comes to spend a summer with Merlin and his mum in New York City, Merlin is forced to confront his feelings, and left baffled by Arthur’s. This story follows Merlin and Arthur from childhood, through late adolescence, and into adulthood: it follows them through a summer of sexual awakening, and leads them through harrowing loss, to finally confront what seems an impossible choice.
Why I rec: This story, hands down, makes the list of my top 5 stories ever. It is PERFECTION. Nothing stirs my heart as much as the hurt of growing up, the stretch of summers when we are young and those hot months feel like eons. I’ve fallen in love with this story since the sentence “All firsts belonged to Arthur” and kept reading with my mouth open from astonishment till the very end. I was immersed in it. I never wanted it to end.
The way the world is painted bit by bit by focusing on all those amazing, tiny details - like the setting of Arthur’s legs in a triangle, or the coolness of the floor during the night storm - they all make this story feel like Wong Kar Wai’s stills or Bertolucci’s „Stealing Beauty” or Coppola’s „Lost in Translation”. I have no idea how it is possible to collect all those things seen through years, preserved in a way we felt them as teenagers and describe them in such a perfect, poetic way. I actually could feel the heat of the New York summers and smell the thunderstorms.
I loved this Merlin - confused, brave, self-conscious, sweet and focused on Arthur to the point of obsession. I loved how he was growing up - from the little boy, through the confused teenager and a pushing-forward but still attached to his childhood-love adult. I loved how Merlin’s voice sounded innocent and without world knowledge and ability to read others well, and older Merlin’s voice - was more and more mature with each passing year.
But even more I loved and ached for Arthur - he broke my heart. Poor, confused Arthur.
There is a warning for the 9/11 events but they were actually very needed here and very important for the development of the relationship of Arthur and Merlin. No other event would affect all the lives around them in the way it did and made them reevaluate their situation the way it did. So don't get scared because of this reference!
I know the love that Arthur and Merlin are experiencing is forbidden in a way, certainly a taboo thing. But it was pure and true and so strong there was no way they could force it down. Even if the close family relation between Arthur and Merlin squeeks you a little, give this story a chance anyway, because it shows what tolerance is and opens eyes to things that are important in life and things that only are appropriate to be important.
And last but not least just two words about sex. Jesus. Holy UNF. I cannot.
This story is beautiful on each and every level - plot, characters, poetic writing and the calm wisdom that comes from growing up and looking back.
For Starters by Malu_3 (Grainne)
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 15273 | Teen And Up Audiences | Modern AU | written for Glomp Fest 2013
Summary: Pendragon's restaurant is like a second home to ten-year-old Merlin, and the older Arthur his idol. Returning to Camelot after many years away, Merlin follows his nose and stomach back to Pendragon's - and his heart to a new understanding of Arthur.
Why I rec: This story killed me. Like honest to God killed me. The part with little Merlin is a masterpiece. I will always and forever cherish authors who can recreate the world perceived by a child or a teen. All the little things - like Merlin being embarrassed while caught by his mom smelling the rosemary branch, the painful discovery of Arthur's "betrayal" when Merlin sees his body under the shower, the smell of Arthur's hand when he covers Merlin's mouth, the disturbing scenes that we don't understand as children, the world seen in small glimpses, images that burn into our heads but are not connected with each other, and the simple things too - like things being huge, so huge when we are little and then suddenly so small when we grow up and look at them again (also literally).
I have no words to describe how much it moved me - especially the first part, seen through boy's eyes, yet not entirely, because filtered through an adult's memory in a way. It's so painful to go back to those memories, to understand the situations that once were just a set of circumstances, to discover that people we perceived as adults were just immature children as well (like Arthur - who in 10-year-old Merlin's eyes is a HERO and yet he's just a lost teen, who needs support).
And then there's the "adult" part and God - this is how it feels to go back to places and people we once knew in the past. This is nostalgia but not only that, there's something more, and the memories of the past mingle with later experiences and then with what is "now" and it's so hard to find a balance and not fall into the past totally.
I loved the characters - Merlin, sick from puppy love, possessive like only a child can be, then much more mature, changed, but still Merlin inside and Arthur - so complex, lost, a bit selfish but actually totally NOT selfish, always putting others above his needs. And I loved that it felt so beautifully real and sweet and a little bit heartbreaking.
Edit The Sad Parts by cruentum
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 93874 | Explicit | Modern AU | written for Paperlegends 2011
Summary: It takes more than a dick to make a guy. Merlin learns this as he goes from eating pussy as a sixteen-year old girl, to fucking other guys with his own cock as a twenty-seven-year old landscaper. The journey's riddled with tears, cocks, and enough self-hate to fill the Channel; but with a little help from his friends, and some mostly-stable relationships, Merlin gets his happily-ever-after in the end.
Why I rec: One of the most amazing stories about growing up that I've ever read. It features a transgender main character (FTM), but I don't want to focus in my rec on this, because the story is so much more than just a fic about it. It's a journey from teenage hurtful times to the world of acceptance as a grown-up. It's about finding one's sexuality and self-awareness, finding a place in life, defining oneself through oppositions at first and then moving forward - towards acceptance and embracing what life has in stake for us in the end.
I don’t have words to express how much I can relate to the growing up part of this story - to how things that once felt as the greatest tragedy - like exams, first love, dropping out of uni - aren’t that anymore in the perspective of time; to how things settle, the emotions shift, and even if they can be as strong as those young ones they don’t exactly have that destructive strength anymore. And also - how different people have different priorities in life and there’s no one way for everybody, so we shouldn't judge other people’s choices.
Maddie/Merlin in this story might be unnerving to some - especially at first when she->he is self-absorbed, focused on only one aspect of her/his life, hiding from real life by playing computer games, masturbating, and online chatting (so amazingly true!). But anyone who remembers their own teen years knows how it felt to be this unhappy and hating oneself so much. And we have the honor to join Merlin in this quest - such a hard one at times - until he finds his peace and place in the world.
And two more things - the sex scenes here were one of the most real ones I’ve ever read. (Which doesn’t mean they weren't hot!) But sex can be very confusing when you are so young. Also, the male/male interactions were really male/male ones - without common in fanfic literature “feminization” (whatever this means). I could always see two men there - in the way they spoke, acted, touched.
I have recommended this story to people in my real life, who had never read any fanfics before, because this story is truly perfect, in every aspect - beautifully written, with just the right plot, alive characters, and so so valuable and wise.
I know I tend to flail in my reviews - go all OMG, GAH!, I cannot even! - but this story needs so much more. I am reluctant to call this story a fanfic even, because it’s a totally grown-up piece of writing that stands alone without the prosthetics of Merlin world, or even Merlin characters, as Maddie/Merlin is an unique, detailed protagonist. Reading this felt like watching a brilliant documentary - but a one that gives insight to the character’s feelings and motivations. It can't get any more real than this - it's touching, making the readers cry and laugh and just FEEL with the main character.
MERLIN CLASSICS
This list of best of the best coming-of-age stories wouldn't, of course, be complete without the most important Merlin fanfic ever (at least for me) - Derryere's Good News. I'm not sure I can rec it in a way it should be done - it seems that nothing that I say will do it justice. But I'm sure that if you're in Merlin fandom you've read it already anyway. ;)
Good News (is on the way) by derryere
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 61K | Explicit | Modern AU | written for Glomp Fest 2011
Summary: Arthur, a travelling businessman, decides to rent a room with the Wyllt family while in town. Hunith is charmed. Her son, Merlin, is not.
Why I rec: Every fandom must have a story to which everybody points, saying "This!" And Good News is this story - the very ONE for Merlin fandom.
It's a sublime, epic journey through growing up, falling in love, discovering the strongest, most true emotions and then splitting up in the most heartbreaking way. Merlin in this story is the one that seems most hurt, but my heart has always belonged to Arthur - this lost, beautiful man, who fought so hard to not let go and had to surrender. Arthur, who's then drifting in his life, who lost himself somewhere along the way; who is without the will, accepting the reality as it goes. There's nothing more painful than seeing him like this.
This story has also the hottest ever sex scenes, that left me breathless (the mid-night scene in the summer house is a sex-writing masterpiece GAH!)
If by some cruel jest of fortune you've not read this story yet, leave everything else that you are reading, run to buy a box of tissues, bunker yourself in your room and read THIS. Because it won't get any more perfect than this. <3
***
Next week - ALL THE FLUFF to even up this heartbreak-load ;)
1. summerpornathon is BACK!!! (in case you haven't heard ;) I'm so happy! Holidays without it wouldn't taste the same!
2. This month's theme at tavern-tales is slowly wrapping up, but my gosh does it bring us little gems! Go and see! Even today we had last-minute rotrude started a Blade Runner inspired story about replicants and empathy test (OMG YES) and a glorious drawing of a replicant!Merlin by alby_mangroves - it goes well put together and makes me want to weep and squee at the same time ;)
***
And now onto this week's stories. I'm sure you've read it all, but I couldn't not mention them.
The pain of growing up, shifting priorities, learning about life in a hard way and seeing things you won't see as an adult anymore - this is what coming of age is all about and the stories I mention below are just... IT.
This, dear ladies and gentlemen is THE BEST OF THE BEST. Be prepared for all the heartache. But eventually we all grow up, right? And some of us manage to do it in a really good way. :)
(Ps. I used my A03 bookmark notes for the recs, I hope you don't mind. Sorry for the mistakes!)
What We Choose by mab_di
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 71282 | Explicit | Modern AU | written for Paperlegends 2013
Summary: Modern, non-magical AU. Merlin and Arthur had always been close, made closer by early loss. But as Merlin comes out to himself and to the people who matter most to him, he finds it increasingly difficult to dodge that the way he feels about Arthur is not what it should be. Arthur is his first cousin, almost a brother, and he’s the gravitational centre of Merlin’s life. As they grow up, Merlin finds he can't look at Arthur without it stirring something that makes him feel ashamed. When Arthur comes to spend a summer with Merlin and his mum in New York City, Merlin is forced to confront his feelings, and left baffled by Arthur’s. This story follows Merlin and Arthur from childhood, through late adolescence, and into adulthood: it follows them through a summer of sexual awakening, and leads them through harrowing loss, to finally confront what seems an impossible choice.
Why I rec: This story, hands down, makes the list of my top 5 stories ever. It is PERFECTION. Nothing stirs my heart as much as the hurt of growing up, the stretch of summers when we are young and those hot months feel like eons. I’ve fallen in love with this story since the sentence “All firsts belonged to Arthur” and kept reading with my mouth open from astonishment till the very end. I was immersed in it. I never wanted it to end.
The way the world is painted bit by bit by focusing on all those amazing, tiny details - like the setting of Arthur’s legs in a triangle, or the coolness of the floor during the night storm - they all make this story feel like Wong Kar Wai’s stills or Bertolucci’s „Stealing Beauty” or Coppola’s „Lost in Translation”. I have no idea how it is possible to collect all those things seen through years, preserved in a way we felt them as teenagers and describe them in such a perfect, poetic way. I actually could feel the heat of the New York summers and smell the thunderstorms.
I loved this Merlin - confused, brave, self-conscious, sweet and focused on Arthur to the point of obsession. I loved how he was growing up - from the little boy, through the confused teenager and a pushing-forward but still attached to his childhood-love adult. I loved how Merlin’s voice sounded innocent and without world knowledge and ability to read others well, and older Merlin’s voice - was more and more mature with each passing year.
But even more I loved and ached for Arthur - he broke my heart. Poor, confused Arthur.
There is a warning for the 9/11 events but they were actually very needed here and very important for the development of the relationship of Arthur and Merlin. No other event would affect all the lives around them in the way it did and made them reevaluate their situation the way it did. So don't get scared because of this reference!
I know the love that Arthur and Merlin are experiencing is forbidden in a way, certainly a taboo thing. But it was pure and true and so strong there was no way they could force it down. Even if the close family relation between Arthur and Merlin squeeks you a little, give this story a chance anyway, because it shows what tolerance is and opens eyes to things that are important in life and things that only are appropriate to be important.
And last but not least just two words about sex. Jesus. Holy UNF. I cannot.
This story is beautiful on each and every level - plot, characters, poetic writing and the calm wisdom that comes from growing up and looking back.
For Starters by Malu_3 (Grainne)
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 15273 | Teen And Up Audiences | Modern AU | written for Glomp Fest 2013
Summary: Pendragon's restaurant is like a second home to ten-year-old Merlin, and the older Arthur his idol. Returning to Camelot after many years away, Merlin follows his nose and stomach back to Pendragon's - and his heart to a new understanding of Arthur.
Why I rec: This story killed me. Like honest to God killed me. The part with little Merlin is a masterpiece. I will always and forever cherish authors who can recreate the world perceived by a child or a teen. All the little things - like Merlin being embarrassed while caught by his mom smelling the rosemary branch, the painful discovery of Arthur's "betrayal" when Merlin sees his body under the shower, the smell of Arthur's hand when he covers Merlin's mouth, the disturbing scenes that we don't understand as children, the world seen in small glimpses, images that burn into our heads but are not connected with each other, and the simple things too - like things being huge, so huge when we are little and then suddenly so small when we grow up and look at them again (also literally).
I have no words to describe how much it moved me - especially the first part, seen through boy's eyes, yet not entirely, because filtered through an adult's memory in a way. It's so painful to go back to those memories, to understand the situations that once were just a set of circumstances, to discover that people we perceived as adults were just immature children as well (like Arthur - who in 10-year-old Merlin's eyes is a HERO and yet he's just a lost teen, who needs support).
And then there's the "adult" part and God - this is how it feels to go back to places and people we once knew in the past. This is nostalgia but not only that, there's something more, and the memories of the past mingle with later experiences and then with what is "now" and it's so hard to find a balance and not fall into the past totally.
I loved the characters - Merlin, sick from puppy love, possessive like only a child can be, then much more mature, changed, but still Merlin inside and Arthur - so complex, lost, a bit selfish but actually totally NOT selfish, always putting others above his needs. And I loved that it felt so beautifully real and sweet and a little bit heartbreaking.
Edit The Sad Parts by cruentum
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 93874 | Explicit | Modern AU | written for Paperlegends 2011
Summary: It takes more than a dick to make a guy. Merlin learns this as he goes from eating pussy as a sixteen-year old girl, to fucking other guys with his own cock as a twenty-seven-year old landscaper. The journey's riddled with tears, cocks, and enough self-hate to fill the Channel; but with a little help from his friends, and some mostly-stable relationships, Merlin gets his happily-ever-after in the end.
Why I rec: One of the most amazing stories about growing up that I've ever read. It features a transgender main character (FTM), but I don't want to focus in my rec on this, because the story is so much more than just a fic about it. It's a journey from teenage hurtful times to the world of acceptance as a grown-up. It's about finding one's sexuality and self-awareness, finding a place in life, defining oneself through oppositions at first and then moving forward - towards acceptance and embracing what life has in stake for us in the end.
I don’t have words to express how much I can relate to the growing up part of this story - to how things that once felt as the greatest tragedy - like exams, first love, dropping out of uni - aren’t that anymore in the perspective of time; to how things settle, the emotions shift, and even if they can be as strong as those young ones they don’t exactly have that destructive strength anymore. And also - how different people have different priorities in life and there’s no one way for everybody, so we shouldn't judge other people’s choices.
Maddie/Merlin in this story might be unnerving to some - especially at first when she->he is self-absorbed, focused on only one aspect of her/his life, hiding from real life by playing computer games, masturbating, and online chatting (so amazingly true!). But anyone who remembers their own teen years knows how it felt to be this unhappy and hating oneself so much. And we have the honor to join Merlin in this quest - such a hard one at times - until he finds his peace and place in the world.
And two more things - the sex scenes here were one of the most real ones I’ve ever read. (Which doesn’t mean they weren't hot!) But sex can be very confusing when you are so young. Also, the male/male interactions were really male/male ones - without common in fanfic literature “feminization” (whatever this means). I could always see two men there - in the way they spoke, acted, touched.
I have recommended this story to people in my real life, who had never read any fanfics before, because this story is truly perfect, in every aspect - beautifully written, with just the right plot, alive characters, and so so valuable and wise.
I know I tend to flail in my reviews - go all OMG, GAH!, I cannot even! - but this story needs so much more. I am reluctant to call this story a fanfic even, because it’s a totally grown-up piece of writing that stands alone without the prosthetics of Merlin world, or even Merlin characters, as Maddie/Merlin is an unique, detailed protagonist. Reading this felt like watching a brilliant documentary - but a one that gives insight to the character’s feelings and motivations. It can't get any more real than this - it's touching, making the readers cry and laugh and just FEEL with the main character.
MERLIN CLASSICS
This list of best of the best coming-of-age stories wouldn't, of course, be complete without the most important Merlin fanfic ever (at least for me) - Derryere's Good News. I'm not sure I can rec it in a way it should be done - it seems that nothing that I say will do it justice. But I'm sure that if you're in Merlin fandom you've read it already anyway. ;)
Good News (is on the way) by derryere
Arthur/Merlin | Words: 61K | Explicit | Modern AU | written for Glomp Fest 2011
Summary: Arthur, a travelling businessman, decides to rent a room with the Wyllt family while in town. Hunith is charmed. Her son, Merlin, is not.
Why I rec: Every fandom must have a story to which everybody points, saying "This!" And Good News is this story - the very ONE for Merlin fandom.
It's a sublime, epic journey through growing up, falling in love, discovering the strongest, most true emotions and then splitting up in the most heartbreaking way. Merlin in this story is the one that seems most hurt, but my heart has always belonged to Arthur - this lost, beautiful man, who fought so hard to not let go and had to surrender. Arthur, who's then drifting in his life, who lost himself somewhere along the way; who is without the will, accepting the reality as it goes. There's nothing more painful than seeing him like this.
This story has also the hottest ever sex scenes, that left me breathless (the mid-night scene in the summer house is a sex-writing masterpiece GAH!)
If by some cruel jest of fortune you've not read this story yet, leave everything else that you are reading, run to buy a box of tissues, bunker yourself in your room and read THIS. Because it won't get any more perfect than this. <3
***
Next week - ALL THE FLUFF to even up this heartbreak-load ;)