It Never Entered My Mind (Kalinda/Donna) - drabble
So, I'm excited to hear about the TGW ficathon but in the mean time here's a drabble I worked on from a while back. I tried to police the grammar and syntax so my apologies if it's still not up to par. Hopefully it's enjoyable. I'll be sharing more real soon. Thanks.
She knew why Donna was hurt. The most likely reason being she'd left Donna without any notice or a goodbye. Kalinda wasn't a fan of goodbyes. Her philosophy was if history repeats itself goodbyes were unecessary--there was a good chance that one would meet the person again, maybe in a different shape or form or body. Leaving became so much easier when she considered this her truth. It erased the hard feelings that would begin to bubble. Like the feelings she had at the present moment after Donna left her standing with stinging emotions
Donna's words replayed in her head: " I won't tell him how heartless you can be. How insensitive. How self-preservation is your number one concern. And after four months you can barely say hello. I won't tell him any of that, okay?"
The last time she'd seen Donna was five months ago not four months as she's claimed. They'd left things between them on shaky ground. It was a brief meeting with Donna outside her office for an unexpected chat about a case. The reality of the situation hit Kalinda on that day. This was the woman that she'd been frequently going out to breakfast, lunches and dinners with as friends and sometimes they'd sleep together. It was harmless in the beginning--at least she thought--but suddenly over time their days spent together had changed. Donna wanted to see her more often, wanted her to stay longer and spend more time alone with her. Kalinda despite her own reservations and doubts tried to do what pleased Donna but things changed when Kalinda realized that it wasn't in her nature to do so forever. Slowly Kalinda pulled away knowing the signs were there; she knew Donna was falling in love with her. Her decision was to quickly get out while she could.
Kalinda Sharma was incredulous to the thought of any person falling in love with her. She was introduced to Donna by another co-worker in a courtroom about about two years prior, they were both new to the State's Attorney's office. They'd shared banter about the case that Donna had just lost. Donna wasn't immediately responsive to Kalinda. She didn't smile or seem very personable during their first meeting and Kalinda would've never thought there was much interest there. That night they went out with the core team from the State Attorney's office. Dinner and drinks it was a formality that she really didn't see the point of but managed to honor as she struggled to try and find some place at her new job. She liked her co-workers but there wasn't much stopping her from drifting into her usual loner ways. During the dinner Kalinda was quiet and to herself and isolated but she continuously glanced over at Donna who checked her watch and her Blackberry every few minutes, obviously as bored as she was, a couple times their eyes connected and Kalinda's interest was piqued she held her gaze before turning away.
After the dinner, Donna stood outside waiting for a taxi. Kalinda stood beside her.
Donna smiled at Kalinda and remarked "You know I thought maybe you were just being uptight but you don't even seem relaxed in a bar."
"This is me relaxing." Kalinda replied with a shrug of her shoulders she coolly placed her fingers in her jacket. Kalinda watched her walk off into the night without saying anything else but not without a small gestere--a look over her shoulder smiling at Kalinda.
Donna was complicated, she wouldn't have appreciated the usual fliration. She was strong and tough and unbelievably sarcastic when she wanted to be. These things drew her to Kalinda and made her easy to get along with. They quickly developed more of a relationship when it seemed they continuously worked closely on cases as a team. Kalinda could see there was interest in Donna's eyes, she could see the unsureness and nervousness when they were alone in rooms together.
After a year of flirting banter and casual conversations things became more between them. Even with their closeness and Donna's schoolgirl crush she hadn't expected their relationship to be much more than an office fling, she'd admittedly taken advantage of the situation when Donna invited her up to her apartment. It was after yet another excruciating group dinner with the members of the State Attorney's office. The invitation was friendly, they'd bonded and Donna didn't mind letting her into her personal space.
Donna gave a half-hearted tour and turned to Kalinda "I'm probably boring you."
Kalinda replied by kissing her, the drinks at the dinner hadn't worn off and she was feeling bold. It was a slow soft kiss on the lips but it has surely taken Donna by surprise.
"I'm not gay" Donna said gently.
"Yeah, I know." Kalinda kissed Donna again anyway without any objection from the other woman.
Things were fuzzy after they'd crossed the line between friends and lovers. Kalinda rarely got "involved" with anyone these days. Things quickly ventured into sexual territory--the land of no return. The first morning after she'd spent the night Donna gave her a soft kiss on the lips. It was nice and surprising but Kalinda considered it the beginning of the end. She assumed Donna was aware that nothing serious would develop. Kalinda recalled telling Donna about her inability to have emotional relationship hoping that it would impact Donna's views of her.
Kalinda planned her escape when things became too serious between her and Donna. She remember the day the 8th of June almost a year after she was laid off by the State's Attorney's office and had secured a job at Lockhart & Gardner. She sat up in Donna's bed, looked over her shoulder to see Donna sleeping soundly. The day before Donna had told her that she couldn't get her mind off of Kalinda. Kalinda's reply was "Why?" but she was scared to have that question answered. Why? Donna was surely falling in love with her and Kalinda was panicking. This was Kalinda's fault. She knew intimate details about Donna's life as Donna had confided in her, hugged her, kissed her and Kalinda had reluctantly been there. She'd invaded Donna's space showing up at all hours ending up in bed with Donna. Their relationship dynamic had been Kalinda mostly taking and giving very little. She did have a few dents in her armor, she enjoyed Donna's friendship. Donna knew enough about her and probably a bit more than most as Donna had eased out of Kalinda when she was most vulnerable.
She shook the memories from her head as she began looking for her dress and boots, trying to be as silent as possible. Donna's scent was still on her and it stayed with her as she walked out of the expensive apartment into the stillness of 3AM in Chicago.
Kalinda wasn't a fan of goodbyes but at that moment that it was over between them. She went home and took a shower as if to shed the scent of the beautiful woman she'd been in an almost relationship with. Her pride wouldn't let her admit that she'd gotten used to having the soft warmth of someone else in the night. Her apartment was cold and even under the huge comfortable down blanket she couldn't find much comfort. But then she recalled that she could do without and had done without for years. For many, relationships were comforting and cutesy necessities all about feeling wanted and appreciated. Kalinda found her comfort in knowing that she did not have to focus on anyone else but herself, as selfish as it was, it worked for her and kept her content. The world was cruel and as her mind returned to Donna she understood that she contributed to the cruelty. She'd be the reason that Donna would never easily give up her heart again and maybe Donna would completely ignore every advance and build walls.
The more it set in the more Kalinda felt a little bad. When Donna called her in the morning, she ignored it and went to brush teeth. Being cold about it was the only thing she knew to do. One day she'd have to see Donna again, maybe five months later, because naturally that was how things happened but she'd cross that bridge when she got to it. At the moment her life was changing drastically. She looked out the window at nothing in particular.