On teenage big girls, rock n roll, and the perils of forgetting
I'm fat. This is not a value judgment meant to criticize or evoke sympathy. Don't tell me I'm not. It's a part of who I am, how the world sees me and how I choose right now to identify. I was not always physically fat, even though as an eating-disordered teen I thought I was. I was no where near fat in high school. I did not know this at the time. I did not realize that the body I had wasn't stared at because it was fat, didn't fit into tiny-kid clothes because it was fat, that boys were nervous around me not because I was fat, but because I had measurements that most porn stars envy (yes this is a generalization to present a picture, there are fabulously hot fat porn stars and I know this). This is not a value judgment either. At the time I had no idea what I actually looked like, but only how I felt. And I felt fat. At the time I hated it, threw up whenever possible, burst blood vessels in my eyes and lost my voice for 6 months, gave myself acid reflux for the rest of my life because I felt fat and hated it. But this is not about any road to recovery, and there are more complicated things at issue here/something more to it then that.
My two closest girlfriends in High School were fat. Actually fat. This is also not a value judgment. I gravitated to them because I saw myself in them. I saw myself and also the girl I wanted to be when I met them with their green/blue/purple/blond hair, junkie brothers in rock bands, awesome cd collections and poetry as tortured and teenage epic as mine. They were the coolest ladies around (and we went to school with 3000+ kids, no joke). I loved the picture we presented together...because it's easier to feel like a fat teen if you've got some awesome badass ladies around you....
So we grow up. We move, we go to school or don't. Graduate or don't, get desk jobs or don't. And some of us got skinny, finally shed the baby fat/got on meds/got off meds/got to the gym...and hold our new skinny bodies up on a pedestal as the ultimate goal and reward of that tortured teenage fat girl past, finally got to feel the wind between our thighs and wear the sleeveless tops we always wanted (This is a simplification meant to illustrate a picture)
In reality, I dropped about 10 lbs, and wore a size 12 which on me looks 'skinny'. But then I went away to college and went on and off meds,and gained about 60-80 lbs (at my heaviest).
That was around 5 years ago. But here's the thing...I'm still fat now. Actually fat. (again, not a judgment) But the ladies I loved so much as a teen kept their skinny prize bodies (weather by genetics, meds or gym) I'm not complaining. I'm also not saying it's always easy to be the bad ass beauty that I am and love my body no matter what every minute, cause that wouldn't be real) And this shit is real. But here's where I get angry. The girls I loved so much who stayed skinny - They've erased the girl they were. It's like we never existed.
'I don't know if I want to be associated with'.....save it. I will always want to remember you as we were. Call is nostalgia, cliche, whatever...But that girl we were, she still exists for me. She's in a special secret place that the boys who date you and the friends that envy you now cause you're thin won't ever know. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. But it gets lonely sometimes, and I get mad when you act like it never happened, because even though we hated ourselves at the time, knowing you had my fat girl back made me strong. And I'm plenty strong on my own, now, but it hurts to feel like you gave in.
My two closest girlfriends in High School were fat. Actually fat. This is also not a value judgment. I gravitated to them because I saw myself in them. I saw myself and also the girl I wanted to be when I met them with their green/blue/purple/blond hair, junkie brothers in rock bands, awesome cd collections and poetry as tortured and teenage epic as mine. They were the coolest ladies around (and we went to school with 3000+ kids, no joke). I loved the picture we presented together...because it's easier to feel like a fat teen if you've got some awesome badass ladies around you....
So we grow up. We move, we go to school or don't. Graduate or don't, get desk jobs or don't. And some of us got skinny, finally shed the baby fat/got on meds/got off meds/got to the gym...and hold our new skinny bodies up on a pedestal as the ultimate goal and reward of that tortured teenage fat girl past, finally got to feel the wind between our thighs and wear the sleeveless tops we always wanted (This is a simplification meant to illustrate a picture)
In reality, I dropped about 10 lbs, and wore a size 12 which on me looks 'skinny'. But then I went away to college and went on and off meds,and gained about 60-80 lbs (at my heaviest).
That was around 5 years ago. But here's the thing...I'm still fat now. Actually fat. (again, not a judgment) But the ladies I loved so much as a teen kept their skinny prize bodies (weather by genetics, meds or gym) I'm not complaining. I'm also not saying it's always easy to be the bad ass beauty that I am and love my body no matter what every minute, cause that wouldn't be real) And this shit is real. But here's where I get angry. The girls I loved so much who stayed skinny - They've erased the girl they were. It's like we never existed.
'I don't know if I want to be associated with'.....save it. I will always want to remember you as we were. Call is nostalgia, cliche, whatever...But that girl we were, she still exists for me. She's in a special secret place that the boys who date you and the friends that envy you now cause you're thin won't ever know. Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. But it gets lonely sometimes, and I get mad when you act like it never happened, because even though we hated ourselves at the time, knowing you had my fat girl back made me strong. And I'm plenty strong on my own, now, but it hurts to feel like you gave in.